Thursday, January 8, 2015

"I love the hint of a hot dog."

Happy ’15 Poolers!

I could say I rung it in getting Gronked...Dood, can you believe this?

shit is real!
It's a real book of "fan fiction."
And it’s only book one!
I can't wait to see the look on New England Patriots Coach (and everyone's real pick over Charlie Baker for the Senate) Bill Belichik, when he's asked about this in a press conference.

To tell you true, I rung in the New Year re-watching The Wire.
Well, not all five seasons in 24 hours but I did watch ever single episode that week.
Plowed through it like Gronk in an end zone.
Absolutely orgasmic.
Just before midnight I paused, called My Mama, and we talked smack about tiny Ryan Seacrest. Hey, Seacrest PR team? Don't let him stand so close to Taylor Swift, en el futuro, okay?
He looked like a suppository that fell out!
Note to Self: Google to see if Ryan Seacrest is tinier than Aww Lil Dougie.

And now the first Top Chef ep of 2015!

Aww Lil Dougie (Doug Adams) is already missing his buddy Mexikosher (Katsuji Tanabe); will.i.am (Gregory Gourdet) is “struggling with not winning as much” as he wants
and Mel King and Mei Lin, pictured here in an ad for Keds

vow to get to the top and be friends forevs.
(A hint and a half in Reality Television Editing Rules that one of those Chefs is probably going home.)

When they arrive in the TC Kitchen they find Pads, Bravo’s Andy Cohen (yay!) and… um,
his body guard maybe?

Andy reveals that Boston was his college town (say word?) and he brought “the straight version of” him, his “college roommate, Dave Ansel.”
Though when Dave begins to talk, he doesn’t totally sound like the straight versioooooon…
just sayin.

In keeping with the college theme, their Quick Fire is to create a ramen noodle dish using, yes, actual instant ramen noodles. There’s some “pot" talk (and I don’t mean hot pot, you can tell Andy is goading Pads) and I’m reminded that there’s so much sodium in instant ramen that 5 pounds of my freshman fifteen was from those noodles alone.
I sweat salt crystals back then, yo!

In classic Top Chef form, the chefs don't have access to the pantry this go round. Nope.
Instead:

They must use whatever these unwashed, hung over Emerson College students brought from their rooms!


Each chef picks a kid based on what they’re wearing and how smart they look.
Good luck there. No immunity up for grabs but the winner receives 5k to apply to their student loans - Time Starts Now!

Highlights- Aww Lil Dougie gets half a jar of salsa and a chef salad;
Mel King has a whole cooked chicken (who the hell has a whole cooked chicken in their dorm room fridge) and a ton of cheese;
Mei Lin finds leftover sushi;
will.i.am, half a deep dish pizza;
Slick (George Pagonis) has hot dogs and a can of Hormel chili and,
honestly, everyone has or is moments away from getting salmonella.

Pads: “Time’s up!”

Andy (chewing the scenery like a starving man): “HANDS UP, UTENSIL DOWN!”

As you can imagine, the remainder of the Quicksilver is loaded with Andy mugging.
Here’s when he learned will.i.am had extra “Dorito crunch” to add to the bowls:

Andy: “You’re speaking our language.”

When it’s Slick’s turn,

Andy: “Wow you got some gel in your hair, George, huh?”

Pads: “Ha haa!”
SHE ACTUALLY SAID "HA HAA!"
Slick: "Thank you very much."
OMG Pads and Andy smoked a bowl and shot this, right? Can a Production Assistant confirm this awesomeness?

They consume Slick’s ramen, a hot dog/chicken wing/chili/ketchup concoction.
Pads: “I love the hint of a hot dog.”

Andy: “I do too.”
Slick: “That’s what she said.”
No. No, Slick. She said it.
When a woman says it you don’t say ‘that’s what she said.’ It’s not necessary because she…oh never mind.

Mel King’s mac, cheese and Frito’s goes over well and with laughter but then, oddly, the frivolity stops with Mei’s spicy tomato miso sauce with “sushi shrimp” ramen.
I mean- dramatic music sting stops. WTH?

Dislikes:
Mei’s and Aww Lil Dougie’s.

Favorites (aka we'd eat it if we were high and we are):
Slick’s “Spaghetti-O esque” ramen;
Mel King’s dish and will.i.am’s effort.
But the dish that hit the bullseye: Mel King’s.
In your gel, Slick!

Mel King: “I think I’m gonna buy myself a new scooter.” Um, I bet your gf, who we know calls you Sugar Mama, thinks differently.

Pads tells the Chefs to go back to the Stew Room where there’s a big flat screen and a remote. YAY they get to eat the rest of the food the college kid’s brought and watch The View!
Oh.

will.i.am says if it weren’t for show’s like “Julie” Child’s, Top Chef probably wouldn’t exist.
Seeing as her name is actually JULIA he's right.
The show probably would have been called Tep Chef instead.

Mei speculates- will they have to make duck, will they OH SNAP-






Jacque: “I’m delighted to be with you tonight. I come with wine and a beautiful woman.”
Well said, JP.
Flattery will get you everywhere. Not in Pads’ $450 jeans but g’head, sniff her if you want. Bet she smells like dew drops, smoked paprika and kush.

The Challenge!


3 Hours to prep and cook,
1 hour at the venue but right now, they get to chat with JP though everyone is star struck.


JP pours wine and says Julia Child was a "great big woman" with a "horrible voice."
DOOD?
Nice, nice friend.
If Julia were alive she’s squash your pinot grigio filled cranium with her size 12s. That’s accurate btw.
In comparison, Shaquille O’Neil wears a size 22.

will.i.am asks about preparing vegetables- JP says no grilled vegetables, Julia hated that. And she never cooked the veggies with the protein and thought they should always be seasoned separately. (Interesting!)

Slick asks about presentation and vegetables touching or laying on top of other things.
JP: "Julia used to say when you have eight different types of vegetables all arranged on a plate too many people have touched it with their hands, 'I don’t feel like eating it.'"
Too Many People Touching Food In Restaurants SLAM!

JP: “You haven’t said anything.”

Aww Lil Dougie: “I’m just in awe.”
He never expected to meet another chef that’s his height!

Next Day!
Aww Lil Dougie is going to whole-roast foie gras.
For Jacque Pepin.
And he pronounces his name :Jacque PEP-PEEN.
Yeah.

Slick is making osso buco but, in non-Julia fashion, he’s using a pressure cooker (for shame!) With only 3 hours he’s worried about them cooking in time in the oven.

Mel King is making braised short ribs with polenta and vegetables and throws shade: “Julia would never touch a pressure cooker.” She cooks them in a pan and thinks it’s a risk but that’s would Julia would have done.”
INSERT PHOTO OF SLICK NOT ABLE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE LIDS ON THE PRESSURE COOKERS HERE.
Dood, you don’t even know how to Put A Lid On a pressure cooker?
Lord today.

will.i.am makes coq au vin, the exact opposite of his clean, healthy, Asian cooking style. He actually uses butter which he Never Does!
Here, in pan usually reserved for cooking Hansel and Gretel, he burns off cognac.


Mei makes duck l’orange with Five Spice which isn’t traditional but is huge in her culture. Mei- putting her twist on- hold up, Colicchio and JP in the hizzy!


Aww Lil Dougie describes his dish with a mix of excitement and sweaty pride.
Here he’s pictured mid-orgasm.

Control yourself, Little One!

Next Day! One hour to prep!
The final seasonings will.i.am added to his chicken have “exacerbated overnight so it’s a little acidic and salty.”

TRANSATION: It’s ass!

He adds more broth and re-seasons.
>

Better hurry cause Here come the Judge!

JP says something that I honestly rewound like three times and couldn’t figure out- it’s the accent (mind you, I had to Google coq au vin- hey, I learned Spanish in school. And I use the term “learned” very loosely.)
Pads toasts BLAH BLAH Julia Child BLAH BLAH honor and we’re off to the races!

Perhaps sensing doom, a "thankful for the experience" will.i.am is up first.


JP asks about the carrots. He says he would have separated them because they’re not traditionally part of the dish- CARROT-CIST!- but admits the dish is good and well seasoned.

This is gonna be serious, Son.

Someone says they love the chicken and it’s tender and juicy- WHOA

it's Joanne Chang, Owner of Myers + Chang and Flour?!
Um, when you’re done eating Hon, can you make me that vegan chocolate mousse that was only at M+C like three times and ISN’T in any of your cookbooks?
Can you at least hook a Vegan up with the recipe?
Hello? Is this thing on??
After will.i.am leaves the table,
Colicchio: “When you want more that usually means it was good.”
Same goes for sex, Chef. Same goes for sex.

Mei’s up! And she’s nervous!


Colicchio says her dish took a lot of license-

-but he really liked it.

Then, Mei receives the highest and most emotional praise a Chef could ever receive:

“Good dish.”
Do not mistake the left corner of Babs' mouth as going up for a smile though.
SHE DOES NOT SMILE!
Unless she’s eating you COOK, WIFE, THIEF AND HER LOVER-style.
And do not act like Babs hasn’t eaten human flesh. When you get to her level you've at least tried it once in Borneo!

Oh, hey, have you ever wondered what Colicchio looked like when he had hair?
Look no further!

Apparently Julia and Colicchio had the same birthday and every year she would go to one of his restaurants and, presumably, slouch in a photo so he could feel taller.
She was taller than Colicchio!
Shit, maybe she was taller than Shaquille O’Neal. I bet she was better at free throws!

Slick’s up!


Long time Poolers will recall our friend and fine actor, Linda Hunt.


Come on, Son, separated at birth just a little bit, right?
(The "little" was not intentional.)

Linda loved that he cooked the vegetables separately and then brought them together.

Colicchio says everything was cooked nicely, “except the meat.”

Constipation Face!

He found it a tad under seasoned and Babs wanted more butter. Who doesn't?
Colicchio asked if he rested the meat in the braiser.
Slick sweats and says he did and doesn't go into the pressure cooker truth. Probably wise...

Mel King kept her short ribs in the oven the entire time to make sure they weren’t tough but now she’s worried that they “might be a little dry. Or burned.”

Shit looks hockey puck to me.


“What’s up with the deep charring?”
That was actually nice of Unibrow. He made it sound like something that could be on a menu. Just not one Julia had anything to do with.
All aboard the train to Excuse Town!
Mel King: “I did a pretty heavy sear to get the flavor into the sauce and glazed it in the oven today.”
JP: “When you braise it the top can get dry…”
Colicchio: “Yeah, it turns the sauce bitter. And I’m picking up that bitterness now.”

Well, you got that 5k, Mel. Maybe your gf will let you buy some new hair clippers but only because she doesn’t want you spending that money on expensive haircuts when she can cut your hair (and your balls) at home.

Aww Lil Dougie’s next!


Colicchio: “How did you cook it?”

“…it’s over seared and under cooked.”
Ooooouch.
It had to be cooked slower and needed to rest. Joanne Chang said she got an end piece and it was very nice but no one is even TOUCHING their plates.


“It’s a nice flavor profile but…”
Dayum.
Aww Lil Dougie!!!!

Album Cover Showdown Starts NOW!


As you can guess, Favorites were Mei and will.i.am but, in a twist,
Colicchio asks why will.i.am’s should win when his was so on the nose and Mei put her own twist on it.
Ooooooo.
Though I do recall JP criticizing will.i.am's use of carrots.
Soooooo...you can put your own twist on it but carrots are a problem?
They really are CARROT-CISTS!
will.i.am says "...trying to create something Julia made is the highest form of h’omage."
Nicely done!

He asks Mei the same thing and she basically just says she put herself in it.
Light on words, Mei. Let's work on that for future reality show competitions, 'kay?

JP says both dishes were classic and had proper technique and but the win goes to...Mei!
She tears up and thanks them. A rare display of emotion!

Colicchio praises the garnishes of the Non-Favorites (big diss, methinks)
then tells the three their proteins were all wrong.

When Pads asks, Slick admits he’s not feeling too great. He says he took the meat out of the pressure cooker and strained it and put he meat back in the liquid after using the excess liquid on his hair.

Mel King says looking back she picked the wrong protein.
Really? You went that far back? Back to when you shopped at Whole Foods? What's next? Your Dad picked the wrong woman to bear his child. Come on.

Aww Lil Dougie says he thought the foie gras was under when he put it out. Good job, admit your fault! Then Unibrow actually uses the word “raw.”
Oh boy.
Then Pads asks Awwwwwwww.
NAW!
Naw.
Aww Lil Dougie has to pack his knives and go.

Shit.

But he says he’s gonna climb his little self up on to a step ladder and kick butt and get back in the competition and he just might do it.

It's
LAST
CHANCE
KITCHEN,
yo!

Mexikosher waves when he sees Aww Lil Dougie.

The Tiny One isn't surprised to see him but he is surprised to see two chefs, one of them being Generic (Adam Harvey) who looks all business.

The Eliminated Chef's wheel out beef liver, pork liver and goat liver.
Generic: "Ahhh, great."

Colicchio: “Doug, you’re here today because you under cooked your foie gras.
Mexikosher snorts.
Aww Lil Dougie: “You know what that is?”
SLAM!

Nicely said, Aww Lil Dougie!
Now get back on that bicycle made out of liver and ride it back into the competition!


Generic picks the beef liver; Aww Lil Dougie grabs the pork liver; Mexikosher grabs:
"So Dougie, what happened? How come you ended up here?"
This MF.
When he picks goat liver Aww Lil Dougie says it's "gamey," "sinewy" and has a bad "mouth feel."
All things I didn't like even when I ate meat. And this vegan used to LOVE liver!
Liver and onions.
Friggin weird, right?

Everyone is in an uproar because, apparently liver needs a lot more than twenty minutes to cook and can taste like pennies. Quiet as it's kept, I always thought that was the point.
I mean, a copper jus is nice once in a while.

Generic puts a spin on his Grandma's liver and onions; Mexikosher is, oddly enough, not adding "twenty more ingredients with eight minutes left" as Colicchio suggested. HAR. Aww Lil Dougie is concerned his liver is under. Aww!

TASTE!
Generic is first!

Colicchio: "Nice."

Colicchio: "Hey," Aww Lil Dougie, "this one's cooked right?"
Oh no he didn't!


Colicchio: "I thought we were getting tacos?"

Colicchio: "Have you cooked goat liver before?"
Mexikosher: "No, never.

In the end, Aww Lil Dougie's was nicely cooked, garnishes were bright, had acid and heat.
He said Generic did his Grandma proud, it's the way he cooks his liver, but it could have used more salt and acid. He tells Mexikosher they poke fun at him for using a lot of ingredients but "when you use a lot of ingredients and it works for you, you get great results."

Oh Man!

Colicchio: "Obviously we're pretty far along and there's a lot riding on this, but I gotta go with the liver, not the garnish..."

Mexikosher...
"...unfortunately you're gonna go home."


His liver wasn't cleaned properly. Though the flavor was "just great."
Mexikosher looks sad as he departs but we know he'll be on the sidelines throwing out comments and, seriously, Bravo has to at least hook him up with a special. Maybe it can be like Too Many Cooks! but called Too Many Ingredients!

Doug still looks worried but Colicchio tells him his dish was his favorite.
Butt cheeks, unclench!

Aww Lil Dougie gets his TC jacket back. And in true self-selected underdog fashion,
Generic calls himself the "reigning Last Chance Kitchen champ"
um, there are two of you, Kid. Chill.
Then he does this:

Because he's so damn Generic.

Next week- the Chefs get visitors! Annnnnnd those visitors become their Sous Chefs.
I wonder if Bravo will pay for family therapy after this. Bet that's a clause in the contract when you sign.

Until next week, Poolers!

Splitz- Mei Lin

Kyle- wil.i.am and Mei Lin

LB- Mei Lin

Meriden- will.i.am and Mel King

Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie

Jenna- Mei Lin

Mari- Mei Lin

Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and will.i.am

Martha- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Jet- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Brownie- Mel King

Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Holly- Generic and Mei Lin

Greg- will.i.am

Q- Mei Lin

KK- Mei Lin

Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

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