Thursday, January 29, 2015

"I have four pieces of meat and they're all different done-ness."

Poolahs!
So many questions right off the bat considering where we last left off!

First- will we find out IMMEEDS (as the kid's say) who is in the final final Finale of Top Chef Boston?

Is there any more Last Chance Kitchen and, thusly, no sleep to be had for me this eve?

Will there be school in Boston tomorrow due to the Blizzard of 2015 (This just in: NO?! No.)

Was it Mike Kensil, Director of NFL Operations, who told the Colts equipment manager to look into deflated balls from the Patriots because he used to be the President of the Jets and has it in for Bill Belichick (thanks for the intel, Ellie Lee!!!) Or was it Pete Carroll, head coach (I almost typed cock, but that would imply he had one) of the Seattle Seahawks who suggested the Colts look into it because he's just that kinda motherfucker?

Either way one thing is for sure- there’s gonna be some sort of hyperbolic glass chamber with twenty MasterLocks that NFL game day balls are held in from now on and- oh yeah, we should know who the Final Three are in the Top Chef Boston!
LET’S GIT IT!

When we last saw these chefs they were waiting to see who would win Last Chance Kitch…wait a minute… this episode is starting off like a fucking recap show where they just talk about who’s competing!

We’re seeing chefs arrive and walk thorough the airport one by one (which would never happen in real life, then again, this isn't...)
Mel King says the standard Reality TV Show Competition crap- Hold Up!
Can you fly with those knives like that? I don’t think you can. Oh Bravo, your producers are showing.

Now we’re seeing old footage- you know that because they made it look dark. Or I’m having a stroke.
I ate a delicious soup from Myers + Chang tonight that had beef stock and/or fish sauce- potentially both AND I had a Manhattan and white wine so it’s totally possible.

Mei Lin says she’s gonna win and she’s taken this so seriously she hasn’t called her family during the competition.
#1- we know you don't really talk to your parents and agree that they're jerkballs #2- we met your brother and he's a dolt so I'm pretty sure you don’t talk to the three of them when you're in the same gd room together.

Meanwhile will.i.am (Gregory Gourdet) says he’s nervous just getting off the plane…!!!

Um, are you holding, Son?
Cause, if you're not you really should be okay. I mean, you wanted to get this far, you didn't win as many challenges as you wanted to but you KNEW you were going to Mexico- Get It Together!

Okay, caught up- whew!
Colcchio has tasted both Aww Lil Dougie (Doug Adams) and Slick's (George Pagonis) dishes and the winner is…
Awww Lil Dougie!

He's "stoked" and so is everyone else and Slick slithers away- he doesn't even get an exit interview!

Colicchio tells the chefs to grab their knives and head to a nearby church to meet up with Pads, pray and get their Quickfire Challenge. Hold up, is it Pads’ QuinceaƱera?
(Fiesta BURN!)

She’s with this Dood who owns Pujol which is Catalan for “hill.”

Apparently his restaurant, according to Aww Lil Dougie is #20 on the Pellegrino list.
Pellegrino has a restaurant list? Is it a list about the water at restaurants?
But let’s not get too concern ourselves with that because the chefs have to cook with something I’m not even gonna try to re-type here-
Winner gets an advantage in the Elimination Challenge. They have 30 minutes. Time Starts Now!

Earlier Mei Lin said my Forever Chef Boyfriend Michael Voltaggio sent her to a Mexican restaurant and she also spent time at another one to prepare for the challenges to come. Wicked Smart!
will.i.am expected to cook with cactus but didn't know there were so many different varieties (Dood.)
Aww Lil Dougie knows cactus cause he’s from TX but the one they’re using are super tart.
I’ve only had cactus once. It was in a taco and kinda slimy and I didn't realize what it was until half of it slipped out I was happy and did not replace it inside said taco. (btw all of that sounds durty.)

Mel King takes the salmon, Mei Lin grabs steak and will.i.am decides to do a red and green cactus relish with shrimp.

18 minutes left!
Hm, they’re lucky there aren’t any wild stray dogs hanging out looking for scraps. Or drunk college students on vacation. They’re actually worse than wild stray dogs.

TIME!

Mei was stressed about her meat. (HAR.) It didn't cook in time so she turned into a tataki- seared on the outside, raw on the inside. That’s a thing?
Pad likes the flavor of the salsa but “I have four pieces of meat and they're all different done-ness."
Join the club, my Friend.
Pads: "Was that intentional?”
Mei: “No.”
Whooooops!

Enrique likes that it’s vegetable driven, “not a lot of people realize this but Mexican food is mostly vegetables.” Mostly Vegetable Shout Out! yells the vegan to the TV in the dark. "WTH?" whispers her neighbor.

Enrique says something I rewound a couple of times but couldn’t quite get but essentially the liquid of that ceviche "is an aphrodisiac."
Pads: “I’ll let you know how it goes later tonight.”
Whoa!
I am getting to have the sex with Padma?! No one told me! How's my hair?!

When they get to wil.i.am he talks for a long ass time about what he did-
When it’s time to judge Enrique says he hates will.i.am’s first. Too much olive oil.
Bummer!
Second least was Mei’s- the meat was "cooked incorrectly."
That leaves Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King. The winner?
Hitting it hard!!!

Maybe you’ll roll right into- wait what’s this now?

Okay, maybe it's just me but that seems suuuuuuuper lame.
While they’re prepping and cooking for four hours, the artist is creating a piece of work that will be done in time for them to serve. The art and the meal must be compatible AND they have to serve 150 guests?!?
Here Mei chokes back bile.

To make sure they can, Pads: “execute to the level” they all expect, they’re “calling in…”
you guessed it…

“a little help…”
Hey The Eliminateds got to go to Mexico, good for them!

There are gasps and “Oh boys” ("Oh boys"?) from everyone except Aww Lil Dougie who appears strangely calm.
Maybe because he gets to choose his two Sous Chefs first cause he won the Quickfire. Oooo jealous?!?

Aww Lil Dougie chooses Generic (Adam Harvey)
and he doesn’t “see how I couldn’t pick” Mexikosher (Katsuji Tanabe)
Ha ha laughs!
Aww Lil Dougie thinks if he gives him something he can feel passionate about Mexikosher is “gonna knock it out.”
Mexikosher: “I don’t cook Mexican.”
Jokes!

Mel King takes Slick and Who Is James Rigato? Okay, I guess that works, you basically want someone to take orders, right?
Mei Lin picks (Rebecca) LaMalfa and…2008 (Keriann Von Raefeld) …really?!? You think 2008 can take orders? I don't think that chick could work a KFC drive-thru.
will.i.am picks Salad (Katie Weinner) and Born & Bred (Stacy Cogswell)
Eh, that should work.
Leaving the rest of the chefs to snort coke off their fine cutlery and try not to kill hookers.

The Final Four go to meet with the artists. will.i.am gets an expressionist who is going to paint a peasant throwing seeds on the ground; Mei Lin gets a colorful sculptor; and Aww Lil Dougie gets an artist who is originally from Texas.
Oh yeah and his mother was an art teacher, Dood!
Mel King gets a graffiti artist who primarily works in blues or pinks and says when he gets on-site (to the dinner) he may use gray pain but probably gonna wing it…?!?!
Never mind, Bravo, this just got Super Non-Lame!

45 minutes and $500 (6,200 pesos) to shop!
Mei is making raw fish and chicken- she’s never done that before. Also she’s never thought about learning Spanish- (Oh yeah- they're in Mexico!) And she can't say fish skin (which is all she wants.) Whoops!
will.i.am appears to be fluent. Mel King finds out thy don’t have squid ink and starts changing her dish as rapidly as her gf is changing Mel King's future (and the living room decor- I bet she loves Mohr and McPherson)

Next Morning!
Chefs, say Hello to your Inspirations!
Now get the frig outta here because the smell of paint and the smell of cooking food do not mix!

Mei is pushing herself to make a more colorful plate that-
HEY WTF?!?
Mei’s Artist: “I’m spying.”
Um, your paintbrush is DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO AN OPEN CONTAINER OF FOOD!
Spy
Off!

Mel King makes eggplant ravioli to mirror the gray house her artist is painting. Ohkay. Not too sure about that logic.
will.i.am is pretty sure he's overcooked all of his steaks and- WAIT Guests are arriving?!?
I can't even imagine what these plates are gonna look like let alone-

Oh, you guys are done?
Hm, guess Lil Dougie’s brisket is finished.
Must be, cause here Comes The Judge!
BLAM!

Pads tells the group she handed the artists cards out to the chef's randomly-
come on, really? But then again, look at her-
How can you not believe a word she says? She could be selling press on toenails and I'd be buying them bef- WHOA
How'd this window get open on my computah?!

1st up- will.i.am’s meat turned out okay (Whew!)
At first, without seeing the painting he had to match, I thought his plate looked a little boring.
Then-
That works.

The Judge’s think it has beautiful color but how's it taste?
Colicchio calls it “wonderful” and Gail says she “feel like she's eating the painting.”
Gross.
Also, did everyone hear that? You do all realize that can only be said that once, right?

Across the way, Doug sees the Judges, scans Mei and will.i.am's plates from his station and starts to freak
- he made chili. He’s serving the Judge’s
chili.
Well, it might not be so bad, it could-

Oh.
I believe that’s the pre-Islamic flag of Iran.
Colicchio: “I’ve seen this done before and...it’s tricky.”
Then he tastes it- “there's earthiness, but there’s also a bit of acid in it too…”
Aww Lil Dougie (quickly): “Yea.”

Gail: “The cheese adds a surprising element too cause it’s got bite.”

Colicchio (after taking a few bites and a long pause): “It’s…
I’m…
just…
lovin it.”
Hurray!
Kisses all around!

Mel King's up next!
Um, I’d rather eat the painting.
Seriously.
Pads loves the smokey eggplant ravioli though and proclaims it “beautifully done.”
Hm. And we're not seeing Gail and Colicchio taste her plates, in fact, we're not seeing Pads and Enrique taste will.i.am's either. Interesting...

Gail says it has a lot of beautiful moments of brightness. Colicchio: “And the chicken skin.”
Gail: “Oh my God.”

When the four gather they call will.i.am’s complex and subtle. Pads says she wanted to see something wilder but Colicchio says it was wild "flavor-wise."
Enrique said Aww Lil Dougie’s was safe. Colicchio: he hasn’t “cooked like this at all throughout the season.”
Gail thought Mel King’s worked but Colicchio thought she put a lot of things on her plate for shock value.
Yeah, that dirty Q-tip she added? Totally unnecessary.
Pads announces they need to go to Judge’s Table and figure it out.
Gail: “Can we drink more tequila?”
Pads: “Yes we can drink more tequila!!!”
Two girls after my own liver!

Judge’s Table!
The paintings stare the chef's down like Antiques Roadshow.
What's going on now?
Coliccio says they embraced the challenge and the artwork and whoever goes home should hold their head high because they made a great, great dish.
Translation: You did well but you're outta here, go kill a hooker with The Eliminateds.

Aww Lil Dougie hears the word “authentic.”
Mei hears “I wished you would have let go a little more on the plate.” Pads added that she could do more. Gail: “…colorful, playful.”
Mel King gets this verdict: “The chorizo was over rendered and I would have maybe stopped at the oil.”
will.i.am hears “powerful ingredients, the flavors were very strong in your mouth and it kept with you.”
"It kept with you"? Clearly someone kept with the tequila.

The Pads tells will.i.am and Aww Lil Dougie...
they had the favorite dishes
and the winner gets to take home the artist’s work that inspired them!
One of these emotions is not like the other…

And, the person who will have to pay for insurance and international shipping and handling of a piece of artwork which will most likely cost upwards of $2,000 is...
Aww Lil Dougie!
WOW!
Three wins in a one day!!!!
HOT DAMN!

Pads asks if he has room in his house for the painting: “Oh that’s going to my Mom in Texas.”
Go Iran!

Mei looks teary as will.i.am does some sort of Portland, Oregon mind meld with Aww Lil Dougie.

Here We Go...
Pads asks if they would do anything differently.
AHHHH! TRICK QUESTION!
Usually when there are lots of chefs you admit what you did wrong and that helps you get out of fit but now it’s just the two of them to see who gets to the Final Three...what will they blame this on? Meteor?
The time change?
Paint fumes?
The gel in Slick’s hair? (That smell might be stronger than the paint fumes!)

Neither one admits fault.
Mel King says what she did represented the painting.
Mei Lin says she wouldn't change a thing.
Stand Your Ground, Ladies!
Colicchio: “…this is just one of those times someone made a good dish and has to go home.”

And so,
Pads asks
Mel King! Well, can't say I'm too surprised.
But I am sad to say I must ask, Brownie...to pack her knives and go.
Sigh.

Mel King says this experience has changed her life.
She’s a different chef and a different person coming out of this experience.
Ironically, her girlfriend will probably have a different girlfriend by the time she gets home.

Next week,
the final Final FINALE (unless they toss Mel King and Slick into a pit with a bunch a knives and some hot peppers. Shit, who am I kidding, that probably happened later that night.)

There will be running...

avocados...

and...ant eggs?!?!?
Jesus NO!

Until then, Poolers!

Splitz- Mei Lin

Kyle- wil.i.am and Mei Lin

LB- Mei Lin

Meriden- will.i.am

Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie

Jenna- Mei Lin

Mari- Mei Lin

Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and will.i.am

Martha- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Jet- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie

Holly- Mei Lin

Greg- will.i.am

Q- Mei Lin

KK- Mei Lin

Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie