Thursday, December 11, 2014

“If I go home because everyone stole my clams it would suck balls!”

POOLERS!
Can you believe it’s almost Xmastime? My Mama can’t! She basically said Xmas is coming so quickly no one is getting anything- Cop Out!

Truth be told, Mama doesn’t leave the house much anymore. She loves her rocking chair and her teevee and, OHHH that’s where I get it from.
Well at least I know I got a lot to look forward to- even though at that point they’ll probably implant a chip into my brain so I can record three shows at once. Shit, if I’m getting a chip I better be able to tape six!

Okay the ep!
Everyone congratulates Aww Lil Dougie (Doug Adams) who is thrilled to have won Restaurant Wars and walks just a lil taller. Mexikosher (Katsuji Tanabe) talks about 2008 (the recently departed, Keriann Von Raesfeld) and will.i.am (Gregory Gourdet) says: “You don’t make mousse by mixing bananas and chocolate and calling it a mousse.” Salad (Katie Weinner) says (To Camera) she keeps taking risks and she’s really a contender in this competition then she puts a salad spinner under her pillow and dreams of arugula.

The next morning Generic (Adam Harvey) announces it’s all about “finding the energy to get through” the competition.
will.i.am admits every challenge he comes up with a plan and that’s catching up with him, he’s overthinking it. He compares Top Chef to running a marathon.
Well there’s definitely a lot of sweating.
Then he reveals he’s an “ultra runner”- say what now?

will.i.am: “I’ve run 50 miles a couple of times.”
Were you being chased by a car?!

He reveals there’s a moment in a marathon where you start falling apart and you have to have endurance.
Unlike Pads’ overalls here.
Look, you're gorgeous. These are cute but there is nothing that endures about these overalls, Pads. Unless you’re making corn pone it looks like you're rocking something from the junior section at Macy’s.
Perhaps the overalls are something your Dad bought you?
My bag.
Jasper White wrote the book on chowders. It’s called 50 Chowders.
He’s someone Generic considers a culinary icon. Appropriately there’s a table with a boatload of clams and then a looooooooong pause because
this…


…is
a
Sudden Death Quickfire.

Aww Lil Dougie isn’t a huge fan of chowders-
Perhaps he can create the first seafood-less one? I’d eat it! (Yelled the vegan.)

30 minutes,
someone gets immunity,
someone goes home,
Time Starts Now!

Mei grabs the entire bucket of little necks, Generic yells: “Share share share share!” And (To Camera) says he and Mei agree to share the little necks. Little necks are the tastiest apparently. He takes a bunch but leaves her a lot.
But as soon as Mei runs to get produce here comes Mel King with a sing songy: “Need some of thooooose.”
Oh No You Didn't!

When Mei returns she has THREE little neck clams left -she’s pissed!!!
She gets steamer clams, lobster and shrimp -not as flavorful but she doesn’t have a choice.

will.i.am makes a Japanese inspired clam chowder (he had chowder on hist list of dishes before he flew in to compete.) When Aww Lil Dougie sees he’s pulled out his go to coconut curry ingredients he’s not impressed.

Generic makes tomato water for a Manhattan style jammy;
Mel King, a thai style;
Mexikosher a poblano chowder that is green.
Yes, green.
Salad makes a black tea sourdough chowder.
That is not a typo.

5 MINUTES LEFT

Mei’s chowder isn’t tasting the way she wants: “If I go home because everyone stole my clams it would suck balls!”

TIME!

Favorites!
Generic’s had excellent flavors; will.i.am’s was solid and he liked Mel King’s.
Outstanding?
will.i.am does it again!!!

Pads: “...the painful news.”

Jasper: “Quite salty…you used oysters and had a mild flavor, you gotta pair it with something.”

Jasper: “That sauce…paired with the oyster, I couldn’t even taste the oyster.”

Jasper: “Your chowder was the prettiest chowder of all to look at” (that could be the dirtiest thing anyone has ever unintentionally said) “but it just seemed under seasoned to me.”

Jasper: “using raw sourdough...was overpowering and it had kind of a gummy texture.”
Shoulda made chowder salad. Oh snap! That's great idea! Don't bite it!

The least favorite that wasn’t made “with love” and didn’t have “spirit”
(Lordy just slap them with your phallus, Jasper)
was...Salad’s.

Salad must now battle against another chef to stay in the competition…
Pads: “but this time we’re mixing things up.”
BRAVO, Bravo!

For some odd reason Salad sports the Price Is Right “A new car!” face about this news.

Generic is a bit more explicit:
“Get the fuck outta here!”

Salad: “Well this is awesome. Maybe.”
Yeah, maybe not, Salad.

Pads: “Welcome back."

Pads: "Chef’s you will decide which one of you will compete.”
“If your enlisted chef wins, he or she will rejoin the competition immediately.”

Mexikosher (To Camera): “This is awkward.”

The chef’s aren't allowed to vote for themselves.
Slick (Slimer’s, aka Mike Isabella’s, old business partner, George) gets the most votes- four.
The reasons: he was eliminated first and everyone thinks he deserves another chance. Hm.
Can this glassy-eyed, hair-gelled wonder beat Salad who “has been cooking for 10 years”?

Guess it depends on what they’re cooking:

Colicchio does a commercial for rabbit and Salad says (To Camera) she hasn’t made a rabbit dish in seven years. Ummmm that’s something you want to admit AFTER you’ve won, Hon.

Mexikosher: “At least we know Salad, we know she’s not the best one.”
Oh dayum.
“We don’t know” Slick “…he could be the game changer for all of us so we want to get rid of Salad but at the same time we want to keep her.”
Make up your mind, Mexi!
Oh wait, considering the lists of ingredients you've used on this show that's impossible.

Generic hears Slick is making glazed carrots: I “didn’t realize this was a Culinary Institute of America Cookbook from 1996.”
Shade Thrown!
Slick is also making jus and another garnish along with the rabbit. And just in case the legs aren't ready? Slick starts cooking rabbit loins as a back up plan. That's a lotta pans, Kid.

Salad begins to plate and the other chefs realize Slick isn’t used to the time constraints.
2008: “It looks cooked nicely, come on, get it on the plate.”
Dood are you looking at the clock?!?
Someone: “Come on you gotta minute! Don’t even think about it! Get your sauce on the plate!”
TIME!

The first chef to get two nods will win.
Salad is up first:
Looks like chicken fingers in duck sauce to me.

Slick's appears a lil baby food-ish. (Which isn't a new show on ABC but maybe The Food Network? Food-ish.)

Jasper picks...
Slick's dish.

Colicchio picks...

Slick's dish.

And just like that.

Pads asks Salad to pack her knives and go.

Salad says her Dad would be insanely proud of her. After she waves goodbye and flies off on a leaf of romaine Colicchio tells the eliminated chefs that Last Chance Kitchen starts tonight and they’ll have the opportunity to get back into the competition just like Slick (!!!)

I know, right?!
Is this season gonna last until the Summer?!

Slick dons his TC whites as Pads announces after eleven seasons they’re doing something they’ve never done before.
Dressing far too casually for a network that has Real Housewives who think the Hope Diamond is too small?

Oh that’s right- they’re going shopping!
The chef’s draw knives to find out which Judge’s pantry they’ll have access to later today.
Gail will shop for Mexikosher and Mel King; Colicchio for Mei; Pads for Slick and Gregory; Blais for Aww Lil Dougie and Generic. Does it matter?
Maybe it does.
Generic admits Blais’ choice is “probably gonna involve agar agar” or something else he doesn’t cook with.
Maybe Generic can do the Ye Olde I Dropped All The Agar Agar On The Floor trick? It worked when I didn’t want to eat stewed tomatoes. Sorry, Mama!!!

Let’s Shop!
Blais takes off running, he knows the drill.
and these guys-
-act like they’re shopping for a dinner party happening in two weeks.

Meat aisle- Blais asks for fifteen racks of lamb.
Colicchio: “You really want all those racks?”
And just like that Colicchio gets ALL THE LAMB!
Blais blames it on seniority but seriously?!
Pads asks where the fennel is, Gail: Colicchio “took it all.”
Dood.

Pads admits she feels for will.i.am and Slick because it usually takes the dirty stoner 30 minutes just to "park her car at Whole Foods."

She goes to the cheese section and asks if there’s someone who can help her pick out some cheese.

You’ll notice there is no one there to help her. The polar opposite of her real life when she says ‘Ow’ because she stubbed her toe on the base of Elton John’s mirrored grand piano (he bought one of Liberace’s- there were only two in the whole world. Liberace had both) and six assistants pop up meerkat-style-
“You okay?!”
“You need help”
“Want a tourniquet?”
“Ice too cold?”
“Am I fired?“

Blais is in the vitamin aisle looking for agar agar. He’s getting tons of stuff because he doesn’t want to be the judge that has two chefs in the bottom “who bombed” because he didn’t get enough ingredients.

Pads sees that Blaise leave his shopping unattended and steals it!!!!

Yo!

YOOOOO!

Pads: “Clean up in aisle two.”
Dood.

Blais returns and asks Gail where she put his stuff.
Gail (speaking as if she’s been through these shenanigans before): “Padma took it.”

Blais: “This is like high school all over again, pretty girls, making fun of me.”
He asks Pads if he’s now initiated and she says yes.
Blais: “...you’re gonna get new fish for my chefs though.”

It’s friggin midnight! That wasn’t a half an hour! Busted, Bravo!

At the TC House, Aww Lil Dougie plots how he’ll murder Slick in his sleep.

will.i.am is frustrated that Slick is back. To Camera: "All his recipes are new."
Slick (with a smile to the chefs): “All my knives are still razor sharp.”
Ha haaa yeah.
Mei’s gonna destroy you, Kid.

Next morning, Slick is as uncomfortable with the camaraderie the other chefs have as we are with his basketball shorts as pajama bottoms.

Aww Lil Dougie says the elimination tonight is going to break up the family.
Generic: “It’s gonna be tough. I love you all.”
2 1/2 hours to prep and cook with ingredients they haven’t seen before.
GO!

Generic has a bunch of ingredients he doesn’t like- there are actually three giant bags of bonito flakes (!?!?)
Generic: “It’s gonna be a weird day…”
Mexi says Generic is safe because this is his TC history:

He floats around in the middle, “he’s never that good, but he’s never that bad.”
Have you drawn up the contracts for Mexikosher’s show yet, Bravo? I’m sure his lawyer is standing by.
Generic is cooking his shrimp by pouring hot oil over it. Okay. He says it's something he learned in his travels abroad.

Mexi makes a potato salad with shrimp with a fruit sangria on the side. No, for real. Aww Lil Dougie tastes it and says it works. He’s “bat shit insane” but "he’s like a mad scientist." Hey since we’re already on mad science subject-
That’s a jackfruit.
will.i.am says the pods smell like bubblegum which I think is what you smell just before the pod envelopes your head, consumes you and then grows twenty times its size.

24 minutes left!

Mei has a problem cooking her lamb in the pan. She finally cuts it off the rack and puts it in the oven and thinks maybe she should have taken it off the bone- reminiscent of the Afro Joy lamb issue of 2014!

Wait the Boston bloggers and fans and hungry real Bostonians are arriving!

Whoa there’s a rare Guitar Riff in the score, oh that’s why- Here Come The Judge!
Pads. In pants only Pads can wear.
(And a small percentage of FootLocker employees.)

Here she looks back as if to say- yes, this is me. In person.
It’s better live, isn’t it?

To completely ensure that these bloggers, fans and foodies will forever bow down to the clear food competition dominator that is Top Chef, The Judges interact with them and relay their grocery shopping strategies, making sure to leave out the copious bong hits they took in the mini-van in the parking lot of Whole Foods.

First up!
Mexikosher who, when asked by Gail what he thought of her ingredients, answers: “Cute.”
Cute?
The good news:
Gail really likes it.

Pad and Colicchio approach will.i.am’s station:
They both think it’s really nice. Pads calls it delicious.

When Gail asks Generic what he thought of the ingredients Blais picked he says he definitely was drawn to the "liquid nitrogen, just with his eyeline, and definitely knew what ingredients he wouldn’t be using."

Generic: "It’s just not in my bag of tricks…”
“It’s just not any portion of any technique I’m familiar with…
Dood Blais gets it! He also seems offended!
Move On!

Um, it’s that a monkey vagina on top?
Just saying…

Gail would prefer the shrimp five degrees hotter and left on the grill five seconds longer. It’s feels...
“a little squeaky.”
(Monkeys are squeaky.)
He says he wanted to focus on the peppadew more than anything else.
Well then don’t put anything else on the plate, Son.
You know how this works. When they comment just keep your mouth closed and the vaginas to yourself.

Blais wanted more spice and Gail thought Mel King’s shrimp was a bit salty.
Blais: “My concern is that the dish is a little safe. Beautiful for a cafe, maybe a little safe for a competition.”
Ouch!

Pads and Colicchio hit up Mei-
Pads loves the purée but thinks the lamb is too rare. Cliché says it’s a little under but the flavors are really good.

Gail and Blais hit up Aww Lil Dougie:
Gail calls it nice and the mussels plump and juicy and delicate. (Cool down, Gail!) Blais says it’s a good dish.

Then it’s Slick’s turn.
Pads: “Because I’ve tasted so little of your cooking, I didn’t know how I would do” shopping for him. Well it’s looks like you "did" something he put on a stick.
I didn’t realize there was a big top down the street. Is there cotton candy too? But Pads says the lamb is moist and Colicchio says the lentils were cooked perfectly. Hm, are they going easy on him because to vote him out means Last Chance Kitchen doesn't work?
Pads: “Congratulations and welcome back.”

At Judge’s Table Colicchio says the dishes were flavorful but there were some mistakes.
Then Pads asks these three to face them.
They had their favorites- come on guys, don't look so nervous, how could you not know that the favorites are called out first?

The winner is…

Aww Lil Dougie!
Two in a row!

Then Pads calls Mei, Generic and Mel King.
Mexi is safe (???) and shocked as a mofo!

Mei admits she should have taken the lamb off the rack.
Good word choice! Way to comply! You might stay!

Generic says his technique wasn’t something he had executed before.
Nice. Nice job- you've apologized, you may also still be here.

Pads hits up Mel King: “Were you worried that with 2 1/2 hours we would come to your table and say ‘what did you do because you’re cooking the shrimp right here?’”
Oh snap that’s right! She had an induction plate there. WTH?
Mel King: “I wanted to make sure I had a lot of knife cuts going on in my dish and that’s what pre-occupied my time.”
Dood- you’re continually talking about knife cuts!
In half of the words of Fabio: “This is not Top Knife Cut!”

Pads says she always has good knife work. “I wanted to see some flavor. And I already saw some seafood on top of the salad last challenge.”
Repeat Top Chef Challenge dish SLAM!
Gail throws in that she wanted more depth. Blais: “There’s no more middle.”

Then Pads asks...

OMG

Generic!?

Generic has to pack his knives and go?
Him over underdone lamb and Same Shit Mel King stay?

Aww (not Lil Dougie.)
Generc says he wanted to show everyone what he’s got and he didn’t see it ending “quite like this.”
But then he says something that’s not so generic: “If you don’t love cooking enough to be an emotional mess on national television? Put the knife down.”

That’s probably the best exit line in Top Chef history.
(Yeah, I said it.)
Damn, Generic. Maybe you should have been my Chef Boyfriend all along.
I guess it’s too late. God Speed and...

Hold up! Stop the speeding!
(and the presses! (panini, of course))

It’s time for

LAST
CHANCE
KITCHEN
(omg I’m never going to bed.)


Colicchio tells them they have to cook the dish that sent them home.
Nice twist, Bravo, it's like making your kid get the belt you're gonna beat them with (bet Adrian Peterson did that too.)
Whoever wins right then and there moves on. Everyone else is out for good. No Batman grappling hook is coming down for those kids? They’re done?

Afro Joy: “Sit down bitches, it’s me.”
Wow! Someone got a little Black Panther attitude to go with that afro!
She’s going to cut her lamb a lot smaller than the lamb debacle prior.

James Rigato pops some champagne.
But who is James Rigato? Hopefully someone who hasn't already climaxed...

2008 is going to serve her crepe the way it should have been served...in a take out container from Crepe City.

Born and Bred’s clams turn out “like shit” and her sunflower seed crust won’t stay on.
Dammit!

Asshole Aaron ISN’T making scallop noodles and goes with a traditional seared scallop. Hm.

TIME!

Colicchio tastes everything without a word other than asking what they did differently and saying “Thank you.”

He tells Born & Bred, Eyester, Asshole and 2008 to take a seat. Crap. My chance for Born & Bred to make a hometown Red Sox style comeback is gone. Sigh.

We’re left with:

Colicchio says Afro Joy’s veal was over rested. She's out! Go sleep sitting up unless you want your afro flat on one side!

It’s down to LaMalfa and Who Is James Rigato?

But Who IS James Rigato?
Not the winner of Last Chance Kitchen!
I know!
LaMalfa!

Who would have thunk it?!
Oh here’s what LaMalfa didn’t think- that her next battle begins right now…

KAPOW!

Colicchio tells Generic and Salad their eliminations were the inspirations for their challenge.
That’s some mean shit, yo.

They have to make the dry and slimy ingredients attractive.
I'm just gonna let you conjure up your own jokes for that.
Oh and ONE of them will be out of the competition for good but TWO of them will move on to the next round.
Ahhh so this season of Top Chef IS gonna last until summertime.

As LaMalfa goes for it,
Asshole wonders if LaMalfa is calm because she’s been there before. Who Is James Rigato says maybe it’s adrenaline.
Honestly, Asshole, that’s the stupidest comment ever. Why are you even talking? You blew it. If you’re gonna talk just shout out the name of the restaurant you work at to try to drum up business. On dogs (as the kids say) you’re dead to me.

Generic is still annoyed about his “cooked” shrimp that caused him to be eliminated so he’s coming on strong with a “classic” dish.

Salad is taking several pages from Mexikosher’s book with a bunch of ingredients.

Colicchio walks around to bug the fuck out of every chef asking questions like:
“What are you making?”
“Have you taken a look at what the other chefs are doing?”
“Are you too busy?”
“What are the dry ingredients?”
What are the dry ingredients?
My mouth!!!!
Step off so I can chef this up, Chef!

LaMalfa’s yogurt turns out to be sweet so she tosses it! Salad’s pipping bag is clogging!
5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!

Colicchio says Generic’s starts briny and finishes sweet and sour.

Salad’s looks like a dirty sponge. I said that, not Colicchio.

LaMalfa is low energy when she presents

Colicchio’s favorite dish...
Generic! Back in this mofo!

Least favorite
Colicchio giveth and he taketh awayeth!

The last two out are the first two back, yo.
Generic (to his jacket): “I missed you.”

WOW! So the two who left are coming back but probably only one and when and for how long?
More next week, Poolers!

Also- GRONK!
Rob Gronkowski from the New England Patriots Football Team and, one day, my bed!
OMG he's so damn big and cute I can barely stand it!
I just want to make him pancakes and take the syrup and...soooorry...

Until next time!

Splitz- Mei Lin

Kyle- wil.i.am and Mei Lin

LB- Mei Lin

Meriden- will.i.am and Mel King

Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie

Jenna- Mei Lin

Mari- Mei Lin

Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and will.i.am

Martha- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Jet- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Brownie- Mel King

Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Holly- Generic and Mei Lin

Greg- will.i.am

Q- Mei Lin

KK- Mei Lin

Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

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