Thursday, October 23, 2014

"The meat was pink, pink, pink, pink."

The picks are in! It's easy to see who the frontrunners are.

Splitz- Afro Joy and Mei Lin

Kyle- wil.i.am and Mei Lin

LB- 2008 and Mei Lin

Meriden- will.i.am and Mel King

Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie and Afro Joy

Jenna- Eyester and Mei Lin

Mari- Born & Bred and Mei Lin

Kat- Afro Joy and Born & Bred

Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and will.i.am

Martha- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Jet- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Brownie- Who’s James Rigato and Mel King

Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Holly- Generic and Mei Lin

Greg- 2008 and will.i.am

Q- Afro Joy and Mei Lin

Elli P.- Afro Joy and Annoyed Aaron

KK- Who’s James Rigato and Mei Lin

Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Me- Afro Joy and Born & Bred

Brownie stayed away from who she thought were gonna be the favorites. Q, was gonna pick Annoying Aaron but thought his menu looked lame. She sought out menu items, yo. Q digs deep! Karen Logue thought there were a "lotta losers this go round." She also gave me the heads up that Colicchio was on Finding Your Roots on PBS. Turns out his great grandfather arrived here from Vallata, Italy with $27 in his pocket, which he promptly spent on Bertolli.
But enough of Colicchio's kin, on with the show!!!

It starts with Mexikosher being embarrassed about that debacle of a dish last week. As well he should be. But he said he “thinks he had too much fun with" it. Honey, this is why no one picked you.

2008 complains about Blais complaining about her olive oil powder. She says everyone who ate it “was like omg this is like the coolest thing in the entire world, how do you do that?”
Of course Salad smiles.
She made a friggin salad!

Here’s what’s up, 2008. No one said that.
Because I’m pretty sure no one talks like that in my city.
“How do you do that?” perhaps.
But we reserve “this is the coolest thing in the entire world" for world class medical operations, innovative technologies or sports trophies.
Annoyed Aaron: “to a molecular chef it…was a rookie move.” He’s annoyed!

At the TC house (which, apparently was right down the street from where I live) Mexikosher wakes Afro Joy and says she has “20 Mexican minutes” to get up. She asks: “how many Black minutes is that?”

I want these guys to have a sitcom STAT! Mexikosher and Afro Joy?!
Come on they can solve crimes on the go with Mexikosher hiding their badges and weapons in Afro Joy’s afro! Then when they corner a criminal (yes, a Mexican standoff) Afro Joy can pull out chipotle and crepes instead of a gun and look at her partner like- “Meeexi!”

In the kitchen, Who is James Rigato says he’s trying to figure out where he stacks up with the chefs. But Who Is James Rigato?

He’s a guy who likes to walk around the house with no shirt on on the first day.

And he’s a guy who loves tattoos…

Lot’s of them…

Odd ones.
“Patrick Swayze was just kind of a hero of mine. I just respect his craftsmanship and his commitment to excellence…”

What in the fuck?

Are we talking about Patrick Swayze or car company?
Say like the Late Don Pardo (RIP): "And you'll arrive in style in the 1988 Patrick Swayze!"

When they get to the TC Kitchen, Pads is back to separates and standing next to Todd English who tries to hide his erection.

Pads tells us Boston is home to the Old North Church where Paul Revere took his famous ride…blah blah “one if by land two if by sea” blah blah history…
QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE!

They have to make the “ultimate” surf and turf dish.

If one lamp goes on during the cook they have to pick an element from-

If two lanterns go on during the cook they have to pick an ingredient from-
Is that a bottle of Dirty Water?

Everything’s first come first serve. Now Todd English finally talks and says be careful what they choose because it has to be a cohesive dish. Thanks Todd- wouldn’t have assumed that at all. You look a little hung over, maybe you wanna take this glass of water- oh, sorry, still erect.

HEY and there’s no immunity- whoever wins get 5k! Tthe QFC starts NOW!

Mexikosher gets the coveted sweetbreads. Born & Bred gets pork chops and hopes to get shrimp when the lamp is illuminated next. Mei Lin gets ramps. Salad bangs into Mexikosher and he spills his chili sauce on his hand! (Oh Salad!)
SEA LIGHT ON- everyone runs for sea- Generic gets there late and ends up with dried crab snack.

LAND LIGHT ON-Afro Joy grabs eel; Mexikosher gets hot pepper jelly.
Then Pads walks in with a puss on like someone stole her Birkin.
“Five minutes left!”
Hands up, Utensils down!

Pads finds will.i.am’s a little salty and Born & Bred’s pork a little over done. Todd thinks Mei Lin’s is very interesting. Pads says Mexikosher showed restraint. (Now he's getting kudos for NOT using a thousand ingredients?)

Hated It!
Afro Joy and Born & Bred- WHAT those are my two picks!

Loved!
Mexikosher and Who is James Rigato?

Who is James Rigato?
The Winner!

He yells out that it “feels good” and says to Camera that $5,000 is a healthy amount of money. (As opposed to an anemic $3,000 or an Ebola $500.)

The Elimination Challenge
In walk the commissioners of the Boston Police and Fire Departments.
Guess who’s hiding it?

Since they work as a team… oh booooy… a team challenge!
Also they won’t get to shop- whuuut…
Pads: “Each team must respond to a different set of ingredients available" in the (Il Casale) kitchen where they’re cooking. Yipe.

They draw knives-

Red Team - here’s a hint that Mei Lin does not find her team mates pleasing-

The Yellow Team seems excited.
Oh that’s Mel King on the right! I know her first name is Melissa but I’m calling her Mel King in honor of activist and former Boston mayoral candidate Mel King!
I love this guy! He created the Rainbow Coalition, bought mixed income housing to Tent City and is currently fighting against the prison system. He’s 84, yo!
84! I will never say I’m tired again.

Then theres these guys.
Jesus Aaron looks annoyed. Wait, that’s four chefs…so…oh I see will.i.am is trying to get more screen time. Typical. He’s actually a part of this team.

But still, what kind of fuckery is this?
Pads: “Obviously we’re left with a team of two here. We’ll see if that’s an advantage or a disadvantage.”
Um, I believe THEY’LL see that, not you.

Oh and the knives they picked? That number is the order they serve which means Annoyed Aaron’s team is going last and has to use whatever food is left.

At the TC House everyone brainstorms and pretends we don’t know what these brands are.

Generic speaks of his personal stake in cooking for policemen and firemen. His Mom survived 9/11 and he wants to honor the people who ran into the building as others were running out.
Meanwhile Mei Lin doesn’t want to hit the judges with something heavy. Mexikosher speculates on the idea of “fried chilies, tomatoes, lemon and limes.” Mei delivers an eye roll.

Since they’re going last, Annoyed Aaron wants to brainstorm on a hypothetical dessert basket AFTER 2008 admitted she went to pastry school. She says "we’re not going to do molecular." Her father is a fireman. She knows what firefighters want to eat and she’s not going to let him do anything molecular.
Okay first off, does this restaurant have transglutaminase and hydrocolloids? A defibrillator, maybe but...

Annoyed Aaron: “I literally want to know what's your strength, what can you do with pastry, how the fuck can we help you?”
2008: “We’re not gonna do molecular.”

Annoyed Aaron does some sort of breathing exercise.
2008 says he’s being an asshole. Which is sorta true, he's trying to test her because she's being 2008ish but no one knows what the food will be.
He says I’m not being an asshole (aka DeMane’s boyfriend) right now. You’ll know when I’m being an asshole.

Born & Bred knows she's in for it.

Mei Lin’s team gets to Il Casale and picks a basket. Mexikosher wants to make a guacamole sauce "with a little fish sauce."
Mei Lin: “I wanna make the sauce.”
Mexi: “No, I’ll make the sauce.”

Mex: I told you last night I wanna make the sauce.

Mei: I feel comfortable making the sauce.

Mex: I feel comfortable making the sauce too.

Oh no, Salad’s parents are arguing!!!
She’s gonna have to go back to that Foster Culinary School!
After another back and forth Mei Lin says: “Let’s just fucking go.”
She wants to taste the sauce as soon as possible.
Say it with me: SAUCE!

Here comes Generic, will.i.am and- this chick
Let's call her LaMalfa cause it's fun!
They pick the surf and turf and seem to work well together...for now...

Who is James Rigato and Aww Lil Dougie pick pork chops, roast beef and walnuts, he calls it “easy money.”

Afro Joy, Mel King and Eyester go with veal. Afro Joy says they're pretty big chops and she's thinking about taking the meat off the bone. She’s shot down. Her teammates are into the presentation. She laments but goes with it. Eyester (which Autocorrect keeps correcting as Eyesore) says something about vanilla as a flavoring. In general or for this dish?

What's left? Chicken, short ribs and broccoli rabe. Annoyed wants to use agar agar to make a marmalade (I stand corrected, molecules in the hizzy) and 2008 doesn't dig it.

Mei Lin tastes Mexi’s sauce and LOVES it. Mexikosher redeemed!

Here come the Judge!
They play a low rent version of “Shipping Up To Boston” that I’m sure the Dropkick Murphy’s will sue Bravo for and Colicchio wears…glasses?
I guess so he won’t get punched by the firemen or the cops if there's a parsley scuffle?

First team up!
Looks good. Mei Lin is actually proud of it.
They all stand there while everyone takes a bite and comments (nerve wracking) and…they love it!
Mexikosher: “I kept it under 17 ingredients.”

Pads (proud Mom styles): “Good.”
Colicchio said nothing was disjointed and it all made sense.

Next up!
Colicchio said it could go on the menu that night.
Whoa- what’s happening here? Did everyone eat at Mickey Dee’s before they got there?

Aww Lil Dougie and Who is James Rigato haul out:
Pads: “The pork chop was seasoned well.” Gail says the apricot was the best part of the dish. What's going on? People are cracking jokes...
This is happening.
Did Lonni put windowpane on the quail? (Hit me up if you get that one.)

But then we hear:
Eyester: “There are only three that are really questionable.”
Oh honey. It looks like all of them are questionable to me.
I’m vegan but still.

Boston Cop: “The vanilla is overpowering.”
When a Boston cop says the vanilla is overpowering you pretty much drop to your knees with your hands up. Oh wait, that's when the chocolate extract is overpowering and probably "reaching for the cop's gun"- Potential Racist Cop Flavoring Analogy BURN!

For reals tho-
Teeeeeell me that meat ain’t crying when you cut it.

Gail: "the meat was pink, pink, pink, pink."
Hey, Gail! Looking good! Don't think I don't notice that zipper detail around the neckline of your dress! And that eyeshadow is killing em dead.
Too bad it couldn't kill the veal.

But perhaps there’s an even bigger train wreck on the horizon...
After yelling at 2008 about using onion in her corn salad because he's using onion in his marmalade, Annoyed Aaron asks how he can help Born & Bred with the chicken.
Born & Bred: “I’m really confident about my chicken, everyone else around me is doubting me.”
(That blur is 2008 btw)
2008: ‘STACY HOW CAN WE HELP YOU WITH YOUR CHICKEN!?!?!?!”
Born & Bred says “It’s just cooking. I mean…”

But 2008 is scared about time “we need to start plating and the chicken isn’t even cooked yet." She plates her corn salad. Yes, I believe that’s her only contribution here.
Corn. Salad.
Meanwhile guess who’s annoying everyone?
“I’m worried about this getting done, I mean you don’t want any help at all.”
Born & Bred (To Camera): “All it is is chicken!”

Annoyed Aaron: “Gimme what you can right now, flip it over, put it in!”
OMG
And then “Stacy’s kinda in the weeds right now.”
OMG
And then- as if the Judge’s are going to watch this footage and saying this will redeem them both--
2008: “Yeah we’re gonna help her out with her chicken…”
Annoyed Aaron: “…she doesn’t want any help…”
All of the chef's watch incredulous and Eyester eye rolls to high heaven.

But you know who should have focused on his own? Yeah. Turns out Annoyed's marmalade isn’t warm enough. He wants to heat it.
2008 tells him not to, they don’t have time.
4 minutes left!
But he does. And he adds more agar agar. (Which makes me think of the cartoon Hagar. I dunno why I bothered reading it, truly it was all about Peanuts which isn't an ingredient here btw.)

Finally…

Who (according to Gail) had the best thing on the plate?
BLAM!
Colicchio agrees.


Pads didn’t like the raw onion in the corn salad. She also says the corn leaves a scratchy feeling on your tongue.

Here's 2008 looking like a dismayed stunt woman for Reese Witherspoon.
Colicchio doesn’t know what the bacon jam is, "but it’s not good."

Colicchio: “Stacy, if I were you I’d be pissed off right now. Because you cooked a perfect chicken.”
“And the garnishes on that plate were terrible.”

Annoyed Aaron nods in agreement- until-

“Both.”

Colicchio says he has no idea what Annoyed did to the "relish" but when you moved the dish it slid across the plate. “Terrible.”

Pads asked how the challenge of working as a team went. A question no one planned for...
“I think we came together pretty good in the kitchen.”

But someone is annoyed.
2008 “and I see food much differently.”

LOOKIT THE BOSTON COP HERE!
He’s like- Dood, for real?! I’m watching you throw her under the bus.
I’m gonna have to arrest you for it afterwards but right now I'll watch and then get my partner to fill out the police report.

Annoyed says towards the end it got a little panicky.
(Yeah, you might want to turn that cap inside and try to rally, Kid.)

And that "she was pretty erratic. And made some bad moves."
(My God is he still talking?)

"Some bad decisions."
WOW.

Gail said it was three completely different dishes cooked by three different people who weren’t talking to each other through onion!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gail Wins!

Annoyed takes an onion swipe at 2008 "he told her not to use any onion" and she hits back with "he went from cold to hot from cold to hot, his marmalade was hot and he put it on my corn" and he put his chocolate in my peanut butter. Usually you'd think that's two great tastes that taste great together but...
Pads dismisses them.

In the hallway, the three of them: Annoyed says he wishes they had talked about the placement of the sauce and 2008 says- "I know, you put your hot marmalade on my corn but at the end of the day the plates went out. Alright, perfect."
She walks away.
Annoyed: "She's such a bitch, man. Such a bitch."
Born & Bred has the patience of Job and will probably serve tongue next time because she's biting hers off.

In Stew Room not one other chef says a word as the stew continues to bubble with the two terrible garnishes going at it.

"Aaron's a lying sack of shit"

"I'm not your employee, I don't work for you"

"If you were my employee I'd fire you in a minute"

“I'll cook you under the table, you took 2 hours to make corn salad”

this culminates with- you used agar agar to make a marlmalde and finally a “Go Fuck Yourself” which could only be answered with this face.
Jesus, he really is my boyfriend. I gotta date some better guys.

Judge’s Table!
Winners:

Let’s get to the meat of the matter (so to speak.)
Yellow Team has a protein and a vanilla issue.

Green Team was, in Colicchio’s words “doomed to fail.” He confirms that they had two hours to cook. “Before you grab agar agar and everything else you should be able to reduce vinegar, sugar, bacon and peppers without adding anything to it.”
Redeemed!

Then he smacks 2008 about serving corn that was too starchy. Translation: not cooked. He doesn’t expect that on Top Chef.
Shamed!

Gail said the vanilla in the yellow team’s dish overwhelmed it and Pads asked if they tasted the dish together. Meaning all the elements. They didn’t. They tasted their individual elements. Hoo boy. Never a good look.

Pads tells Annoyed Aaron and 2008 they should “really, really thank” Born & Bred.
She saved them.

Oh shit…

And then…

NOOOOOOO!

No. Afro Joy can't pack her knives and go!

Shit. How did it turn out this way!
I didn’t see that coming. I mean...
maybe I didn’t want to.
Crap. Joy why didn’t you cut that meat off the bone!?!?
Shit ball.

Afro Joy says she has a really fat mouth and somehow she tucked it away in the competition.
She hugs everyone and says she’s going to regret this for a long, long time.
Um, me too, Dood. I’m down to one chef. Shit. I'm tired. Wait, I can't be! Mel King! No, not that Mel King- awww, forget it.
Sigh.

Next week, Annoyed Aaron sits in the living room and impales his left cheek on afro pick Afro Joy left behind! Naw, I keed. But I wish!

For now, we're all still in the running to become the next Top Chef Pool Winner!

Splitz- Mei Lin

Kyle- wil.i.am and Mei Lin

LB- 2008 and Mei Lin

Meriden- will.i.am and Mel King

Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie

Jenna- Eyester and Mei Lin

Mari- Born & Bred and Mei Lin

Kat- Born & Bred

Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and will.i.am

Martha- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Jet- will.i.am and Mei Lin

Brownie- Who’s James Rigato and Mel King

Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Holly- Generic and Mei Lin

Greg- 2008 and will.i.am

Q- Mei Lin

Elli P.- Annoyed Aaron

KK- Who’s James Rigato and Mei Lin

Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Me- Born & Bred

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