Thursday, October 30, 2014

"How would you like me to eat this?"

Cheddar Alert!
I now have cheddar from Splitz; LB and Colucci; Meriden and Rich E.; Martha; Jet; Brownie; Jenna and Mari; Lucy and Q! I’m goin shoppin, yo!
I keed.
I am keeder.
There's probably some more in the mail I haven't received though cause I'm in Miami, yo!!!

I'm here to renew my vows.
Some of you may recall that a few years ago I was married to a bowl of gazpacho from La Folie in a small ceremony down here.
Well last night, I renewed my vows.
You do not want to know what the after photo looked like.
I will say the first time was the best as the bowl this go round had a couple of large ice chips that didn’t melt before my spoon found them. I want a divorce!!!
Perhaps I should have left well enough alone…chasing the dragon, man.
Fuck it, I still love you gazpacho from La Folie!

And now the ep!
iTunes says this one is called- The Curse of the Bambino which would make me mad if we hadn’t won in 2004, 2007 and 2013 but now that that shit is essentially buried like the ol’ racist, sexist Bambino himself, I’m aiight with it.

We begins with Generic hugging and high fiving his teammates using an Italian accent because, hey, that’s what you do when you win.

Eyester says if they have another team challenge “we should agree to not act like fucking children.”
Hoo Boy.
Annoyed Aaron asks if he thinks the (his) green team had something to do with Afro Joy going home.

“Do you not think that that whole end of you guy’s plating wasn’t a total shit show?”

Annoyed said it came down to the protein and “our team” did that well.
No, honey, Born & Bred did it. She knocked it out of the park while you and 2008 knocked heads and kicked rocks.

Eyester says (To Camera) he’s bewildered why one of them didn’t go home. Saying nothing, of course, about his own 'vanilla ways' which could have caused Him to go home versus Afro Joy and is also the name of Al Jarreau’s latest single.

Generic says something generic like “Hey, guys, I don’t know…let’s go home and ride this one out.”
No, seriously, he said that.

The next morning Who is James Rigato sits on the balcony with Annoyed Aaron and takes him under his Patrick Swayze tatted wing.
He says they have similar backgrounds. But Who is James Rigato?
He’s someone whose “Mom drank a lot.” His “Dad was a rolling stone.” His “sister raised him.”
(Apparently he’s also someone who got a hold of a complete background check on Annoyed Aaron to know they have this in common.)

Annoyed says he grew up at a young age with no discipline, father figure or parental guidance and started to cook for himself. First out of necessity and then he grew to love it.

You stop that, Bravo! Making him look adorable!
He is no longer my Chef Boyfriend!

He says because of his childhood he picks and chooses his friends carefully, he knows he comes off as this cocky kid and Top Chef is helping him work this stuff out.
We went from filet to Dr. Phil in ten seconds.

When they get to the TC kitchen Pads is resplendent in a black plunger…
BUT WAIT, there’s more! Delicious! Also, guess who's hiding it. Hands in front...

Oh, Smug One!
Seriously, can he not look smug for once.
Mel King says he was one of the first Chinese chefs on TV and it inspired her. (Hopefully not to be smug.)

Hold Up tho, it’s a-
Sudden Death Quickfire!
Are they getting evicted from the TC House or something? They’re thinning the ranks like a mofo!

No one is thrilled with this news. Especially not Salad.
She made a salad!

Pads talks about the Sons of Liberty…blahblah Tea Party blahblah...
Smug One: “Hence, in America we drink a lot more coffee than tea.”
(Hence? Really? So smug.)
Blah blah- OMG Pads are you still talking about tea? There isn’t even a tea sponsor!

Thirty varieties on the table, they can only use one, the canisters aren’t marked (Lordy) the winner gets immunity, the loser goes home immediately, “you have 45 minutes to make tea for two”, hope you wore your sneakers and adult diapers TIME STARTS NOW! is hoping for a floral since darker teas lend themselves to roasted meats and there might not be enough time to cook them and gets strawberry white-
Let’s get it started in here!
(Crap, now that’s gonna be in my head all morning. Thanks, Obama!)

Annoyed Aaron gets gunpowder spearmint. See ya, Ex-chef Boyfriend. It was about like 10 minutes of fun so, right in line with my usual exes. He says he was going for yellowtail and that Generic grabbed it out of his hand (of course there’s not footage of this) and picks monkfish cheeks instead.

Yes, I’m vegan. I know, thank you. Nothing really bugs me about anyone eating what they eat, it's their choice- sometimes people apologize or won’t even order meat in front of me- I’m good with it. Suck all the goat eyeballs you want. But there’s something about the cheek of an animal. I dunno, it just makes me sad. Cheeks are for kissing and pinching! Okay I’m done preaching on that.

Boston Bred asks Generic if he can believe it’s another elimination quickfire: “We got one New Yorker” (him) “and one Bostonian” (her) “left, it ain’t gonna be one of us.”
It’s not?

LaMalfa gets lemongrass pomegranate rooibos tea (for real?) and makes a dessert.
Mexikosher is only using Three Ingredients?!
Eyester gets a chocolate tea and goes for a mole and Who Is James Rigato’s eyes in the process.

Mel King picked a toasted nut tea and makes a Chinese dish. We learn she’s in the Prove It To My Parents Posse when she reveals her Dad was strict and didn’t support her being a chef.
Booooo Dad!
What’s up with these parents? At the least be strategic, your kid being a chef means free food for life!

6 minutes left!
Eyester burns his duck!
Annoyed Aaron “cooked the shit” out of his monkfish cheeks!
2008 hopes he’s on the losing side.
No plot twist there.

Pads calls Annoyed’s monkfish “hammered”; the Smug One generally doesn’t like the pairing of fish and fruit but appreciates’s; LaMalfa “did, pretty much a neutral cake” that would pick up as much flavor of the tea as possible.
There are ways NOT to describe your food. Neutral is one of them.

The Smug One dug: Mel King, and Eyester- the winnah?
Spirit Animal Bolo Ties for Everyone!

The Smug One hated:
Who is James Rigato, Annoyed Aaron and net neutrality cake, LaMalfa.
But the chef who might go home is:

Guess who can hardly contain her joy?

OMG I wonder if he’s gonna chose 2008 to go against in the sudden death competition?!

Hm, looks like she just realized that’s a possibility too.

He picks…
Salad’s surprised as shit!

Then, because he’s annoying, Aaron adds (in the room, not To Camera, btw):
“It’s an easy choice.”

Pads: “You think you can beat her?”
Annoyed announces “she teaches cooking for a living and I never went to culinary school, so.…”
Let’s look for the logic there...nope, can’t find it!
Pads: “We’ll see who schools whom.”

I will say it’s super interesting he didn’t pick 2008 and, of course, she jumps bad (To Camera) reminding us he said he could cook her under the table and announcing she was fully prepared to send him home and that in 2009 she was voted most likely to make someone nod off during a conversation.

They have 30 minutes to- oh hold up! They’re throwing more twists in there?

Time Starts NOW!

Annoyed decides to make a spring roll- huh?
Salad can’t boil a salad so she’s making fresh pasta. The pasta machine isn’t working (!!!) she has to hand cut it! The peanut gallery throws out encouragement and asks “how it’s tasting” which I would imagine, if you were cooking, is as bothersome as fuck.

Annoyed created a spring roll wrapper from minced shrimp and spices and then boiled it- pretty inventive.
Also! A Hefty commercial.
Additionally! A great way to ingest plastic.

Annoyed Aaron is really annoyed that he can't roast the peanuts he's putting into his spring roll. I'd be annoyed too! The Sudden Death Quickfire is enough, now you're turning into Cutthroat Kitchen with the extras? Come on, Bravo!

Annoyed says (To Camera) he’s self taught and if he pulls this off it’s an “iron in the back” to all the people that didn’t go to culinary school. Okay, I think he meant to the people who Did go to culinary school. That makes more sense. And I’d just like to comment that, if an iron in the back is a common occurrence in your part of town, that's a tough town. That's some hardscrabble Upton Sinclair shit.

Annoyed’s looks a little like a raw piece of calamari is vomiting carrots.

Pads appears both pissed and perplexed.
Pads: “How would you like me to eat this?”

Oh, Dood, just walk out and pack your bags.

Salad’s offering looks sorta meh.
Smug One asks if she salted the pasta. Uh oh…

Here we go…

Smug gives Salad props for “having the courage” to make fresh pasta. (Okay, let's maybe save that word for more important matters, she didn’t save a baby in Iraq.) He thought it needed more sauce and more salt.

He gives “kudos” to Annoyed for making a wrapper out of shrimp but questioned the use raw peanuts.

The winner is…
“Holy Fuck I made it.”

Smug says Annoyed Aaron knows what he’s doing to use that technique. High praise.
He offers his hand to a- let’s face it, shamed Salad who accepts it and shakes it like a bottle of-


Pads asks if they’re ready to be taken out to the old ball game. Then we hear:



“Fried dough HE-YAH!”

LaMalfa, stunned by the Boston accents.

Why these guys didn’t take the opp to look up at the camera I’ll never know. Are there scripts behind those concessions? I mean, if these are real concessions guys they’re yelling the words they yell every day during the season.

Pads: “Boston is home to Fenway Park, the oldest ballpark in the nation.”
Um, you’re not going to WATCH a Red Sox game, Salad.

Pads says for the first time ever they’re hosting a culinary event- can you just say they’re doing this for Top Chef? We know these are not real things that are ever coming back to our city. Thanks.

Born & Bred feels like it’s Xmas Fucking Eve.
Me too! I’ve been up since 4am writing this!

They’re tasked with-
Uh oh! Someone couldn’t find a darker marker to get rid of the Corn & Co.
Pads is gonna insert a Ferragamo heel into that ass.

I can’t wait to see this guy on NESN!
“When all those fahgin chefs ran up and fahgin stahted snatching snacks I almost lost my shit!”

45 minutes to shop and 350 to do it!

Born & Bred says she’s excited to be at Fenway but knows that Generic is not. Generic loves his pinstripes- please don’t talk about Jeter, I’m kinda over Jeter.
Generic: “I’m supah stoked, Ked!”
Wow that was a pitch perfect Boston accent, Generic, well done!

Eyester (who tries to take his son to a baseball game a few times a year even though "the life of a chef isn't conducive to marriage or kids") thinks fine dining with concession food is going to be a bit of a challenge so he’s going to make a popcorn soup and put a piece of haddock in the middle so it looks like baseball because I guess that’s as utterly ridiculous as he thinks this challenge is?????

Salad’s Dad had a love/hate relationship with the Minnesota Twins.
One of her fondest memories is them going to a great game just before he passed away from cancer. She’s dedicating her crème brûlée to him. Aww (not to be confused with Aww Little Dougie.)

Who is James Rigato really wants to make a crab cake.
But who is James Rigato?
He doesn’t like junk food so he’s not excited about this challenge. He picked the pretzels because he knew everyone would be going for peanuts. He found out there is no fresh crab. Who is Jame Rigato? James Rigato is the chef who won't be making a crab cake.
Instead he'll make...a lobster cake?

Here’s a reaction to 2008, trying to braise short ribs in 3 hours, announcing to the world and the oven that she’s “setting” it to “400!”
Notice Eyester on the left.

Generic doesn’t know what kind of kitchen they’re cooking in at Fenway (because the kitchens are soooooooooooooo great at Yankee Stadium) so he’s poaching his halibut so the next day it’s a “scoop and serve” which sounds gross.
LaMalfa (To Camera): “What is he doing?” Overcooked fish is her worst nightmare.
I’d go with Ebola or the dream I had the other night- Charlize Theron eating newborns after rolling them around in honey and giant ants.
Shit is real.

The next day at the TC House we get a backstory surprise.
While working at a 4 star restaurant started partying too much and using drugs.
He lost jobs, friends and influenced no one.
He’s sober now, repaired relationships and winning TC is the most important thing he “can do today to close the door on the darkness of his past.”
Damn I wish I knew this before I picked Afro Joy!!!

They arrive and- oh, maybe Generic was right, they’re not in the luxury box kitchens, they’re cooking in the concession stand kitchens. Right. Makes sense. Also, they have to cook in shifts.
Salad is immediately concerned, her crème brûlée did not set.
She whips it and tries to do a free form crème brûlée. Uh oh. Then she proceeds to run around behind everyone frantically and doctor it up.
Annoyed Aaron (To Camera): “It seems like Miss Culinary School Instructor bit off more than she can chew.”
Chew a dick, Aaron.

Salad: “The torch is melting it and it’s not working. I’m struggling. I’m struggling!”
Eyester: “You got it, you got it. Don’t freak out.”
Or maybe do freak cause Here’s Come The Judge!
Nice play on the Fenway concession stand t-shirts with that yellow jacket, Pads.

Okay, wait a minute, this is dope.
The Camera does a 5 second move on the letters, as well it should. This rarely happens at Fenway.

Hey, look who gets to eat free. The guy who basically loves to hate every team and player we have and often when we win brings up all sorts of awful things that have happened in the past so when you're done reading his column you feel like we lost.

Meanwhile, Eyester asks Salad and Annoyed Aaron how they’re doing. He’s a good dad.
He even tells Annoyed his bagel dog looks good.
See, that’s all Annoyed needs.
A little love and encourag- no. No! NO! You are not my Chef Boyfriend!

Batter Up!

Blais loves Annoyed Aaron’s presentation, Colicchio likes the sauces and the use of the pretzel.
Smug wanted a hot dog or an Italian sausage in the middle because it was a little bit soft and mushy- never good terms. Not even for pillows.

Smug thought Eyester's soup had good popcorn flavor but Colicchio didn’t dig the garnish, thought the soup was a bit too rich and also thought the ball should have been smaller. Honestly this dish looks like something that comes on a styrofoam plate sealed in plastic wrap. Like that’s how the fish ball got so mushed down in there. Naw mean?

Salad apologizes at the start: “I had a huge mistake in the technique.”
Oh, Unibrow is here.
Salad shouldn’t but continues “I’m sorry…”
What up, Eck! Red Sox Pitcher and Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley, yo!

Salad: “..I let you down.”
Annoyed Aaron (To Camera): “What the fuck are you doing, dude?”

Salad: “my original technique was to do a popcorn crème brûlée…”
OMG you’re still talking?!
Colicchio: “I like this dish.”

Unibrow: “ YEAH, me too! You’re taking yourself out of the game.”
Blais asks Eck if a pitch isn’t working in the bullpen “you don’t come out on the mound and tell the other team your pitch isn’t tight, do you?”
“Not me!”
Colicchio says you put the plate down and step back.

Salad thanks them and says “this is huge” and she has a lot of good memories of her Dad and baseball before he passed away which elicits an “Ohhh” from Pads.
And now she can't stop. Poor Salad.
Pads: “Well you did him really proud today and I think you should take comfort in that.”
Nice work, Pads.
Of course, someone is annoyed.

Finally they’re dismissed and Pads asks Eck what it’s like when you lose a big game and he says- no one will look at you. No one makes eye contact. Pads: “Shoulda played for a the Yankees.”
Come on, Pads! You’re on Red Sox ground, yo!

Batter up!
Smug was surprised the sauce wasn’t sweeter but Colicchio, Pads and Unibrow liked that it wasn’t overly sweet. Well done Aww Little Dougie! He's so little!

Colicchio says the meat isn’t cooked or salted enough. Smug: “They need another hour.” 2008 says she thought they were done. Hm undone meat got Afro Joy tossed…

Blais liked Mexikosher repurposing the fried dough as bread pudding. Eck: “I just think there’s a lot going on in there. It’s really confusing.” Welcome to our world, Dennis.
Unibrow said the belly was tough.

Batter up!
Pads asks Born & Bred what it feels like to be on the field at Fenway and she says she’s gonna cry as soon as she leaves the table. Pads is Oprah now?

Smug: “I love this dish!” Colicchio agrees and Mel King beams like a headlight.

Unibrow loves the radishes, he thinks the pork is the main issue.
Uh oh.
Blais says it’s tight and overcooked and she should have cut the meat into smaller pieces. Brian Voltaggio is gonna be mad at you. But that’s okay. I’ll make him feel better later.

Unibrow: “The scallop was perfectly cooked. The peanuts were the stellar component. I just wanted more of them I wanted more of that beautiful caramel, pickley, thai flavor.”
Smug tells Born & Bred: “I think you did Boston proud.” Then Blais says something about if all goes well she might be throwing out the first pitch and I can’t talk about it anymore because I get jinxy but when asked she does tell Colicchio: “I know how to throw a ball.” BLAM!

In the concession stand kitchen does a lot of tasting which is good. He also does a lot of open mouth eating directly over the food he’s about to serve which is not.

When Generic pulls his fish out the oven he says the oven has “hammered them.”
Um, we all know it’s not the oven, pinstripe lover. “Honestly, I fucked the fish up.”
“The fuckin curse of the bambino turned on me.”
How’s that feel in your nether regions?

Batter up!

LaMalfa’s pretty plate is called clean and classy by Blais and Colicchio says “this dish, definitely gets the job done.” That fish did work!
It’s getting a pay check!
Rub that fish’s feets and give it the evening paper and an extra portion of fish for dinner!
Blow that fish!

Who is James Rigato? The chef that made a mushy lobster cake. Eck couldn’t even eat it!

Unibrow says the oil and the chilis and everything is nice in Generic's but “the fish is hammered.”
Colicchio: “Yeah. Exactly”
Then Blais adds that the broth saves that it’s overcooked. said he thought of Cracker Jacks-
He’s told it’s well balanced and everything is to the peak of where it should be. Blais: “This is moneyball.”

When the chefs go back to the dugout the Judge’s let it rip. The guy who hates all our sports teams call Eyester’s dish “monster ball soup.” Colicchio: “It’s like, where are you going with this?”

Mei Lin’s uncooked dish is called unfortunate. There’s debate over whose is worse- Mexikosher’s uncooked pork belly or 2008’s uncooked short ribs.

In the dugout Eyester says he has to get used to smaller portions “that’s just not my thing.” Try to make it your thing, Hon.

In summary, the guy who hates all our teams says it’s the best food he’s eaten at Fenway Park which means he will, from now on, no matter what he eats at Fenway, be getting the Spit Special.

Stew Room- someone asks Annoyed what they said about his food. He tells them they didn’t like the filling or the seasoning and that was his fault.

Mexikosher says:

Shockingly Annoyed ignores this but then Mexikosher says something else that honestly needed a subtitle because I can’t make it out and now we get-
Annoyed: “Shut the fuck up. I’m so tired of you talking. So many people are tired of you talking.”

With a side order of-

Mexikosher: "Don’t talk to me like that. Just because you suck at cooking…"
Annoyed: “Bread pudding is what five year old’s do, you’re on Top Chef.”

“If you ever talk to me like that…”
(The pinky out is a nice touch.)

Annoyed: “…I don’t give a fuck…”
Mexikosher“…you and I will have a problem.”

“I’m so scared of you right now.”

Who is James Rigato says they’re like rams going at each other. But who is James Rigato? He’s someone who thinks Mexikosher will pick at you and pick at you.
Oh so he'll just pile it on like his ingredients.
Mexi: “You’re gonna go home. People hate you. Keep embracing the hate.”


Then we hear high heels and after everyone’s assembled as you might guess…, Mel King and Salad have the favorites.

Hey! No Born & Bred?

Pads tries to make Salad cry again by mentioning her Dad would be proud.
Smug tells Mel King he loved the surprise of the bacon popcorn underneath the soup.
Colicchio tells it’s the details that made his dish great.

The winnah…Mr. Immunity
Colicchio tells the other chefs they better step it up (dayum!)

The worst…it’s a bit of a surprise…

Who is James Rigato?
Psyched not to be up there.

Colicchio actually says that 2008 is no stranger to competition “you really thought you could braise short ribs in that short of time without a pressure cooker?”
First female and first American to win the title World’s Greatest Young Chef in 2008 SLAM!

Unibrow: “My worry is you’re kinda standing behind the braise.”
Yeah! Great point Unibrow. You’re being a good guest judge here now. She thinks the way she cooked it was right.

She stutters and says she doesn’t believe you should be able to eat short ribs with a spoon. She prefers a fork.
Unibrow says he would have had to been a Sabertooth tiger to eat hers.

Unibrow tells Mexikosher to become a better editor and cross out all of the elements that weren’t essential to his plate. Mexikosher thinks of how he can add more words to Unibrow's sentence.

Eyester should have said- I took this challenge literally with the fish ball and made it baseball sized. But he said his problem was translating the challenge which actually sounds worse.

In the end, Pads asked
him to pack his knives and go.

Colicchio: "We're both old dogs and sometimes you put a dish together and you say I wish I had that back. It was just hard to get over the overall messiness of it."
You're both old dogs? Huh?

Oh man, he's crying!
"I'm better than what I showed today."

"I mean, there's no doubt I'm better than the people who are still in that kitchen right now."
Wait a minute, what?!
Ah, not all of them, Vanilla.
"All these little miniature entrees that these kids are making- it's not what I do."
Hon, maybe it's what you should do. For many good reasons. At least consider it, please?

Annoyed Aaron looks so sad when he hugs Eyester goodbye.

Who will take him to a baseball game?
Who will tell him it's okay to get a C+ on a math quiz now and then?
Who will teach him about love?
Not me.
Because he is NOT my Chef Boyfriend.

Next week...NORM!
Hey, Colucci and I have been there! We highly recommend the gift shop. Not just for gifts but for hanging out and drinking in it. Tell Andrew we said What Up!

They really want these Doods out! Whew!

Until next time, Poolers...

Splitz- Mei Lin

Kyle- and Mei Lin

LB- 2008 and Mei Lin

Meriden- and Mel King

Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie

Jenna- Mei Lin

Mari- Born & Bred and Mei Lin

Kat- Born & Bred

Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and

Martha- and Mei Lin

Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin

Jet- and Mei Lin

Brownie- Who’s James Rigato and Mel King

Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Holly- Generic and Mei Lin

Greg- 2008 and

Q- Mei Lin

Elli P.- Annoyed Aaron

KK- Who’s James Rigato and Mei Lin

Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King

Me- Born & Bred