I now have cheddar from Splitz; LB and Colucci; Meriden and Rich E.; Martha; Jet; Brownie; Jenna and Mari; Lucy and Q! I’m goin shoppin, yo!
I am keeder.
There's probably some more in the mail I haven't received though cause I'm in Miami, yo!!!
I'm here to renew my vows.
Some of you may recall that a few years ago I was married to a bowl of gazpacho from La Folie in a small ceremony down here.
Well last night, I renewed my vows.
I will say the first time was the best as the bowl this go round had a couple of large ice chips that didn’t melt before my spoon found them. I want a divorce!!!
Perhaps I should have left well enough alone…chasing the dragon, man.
Fuck it, I still love you gazpacho from La Folie!
And now the ep!
iTunes says this one is called- The Curse of the Bambino which would make me mad if we hadn’t won in 2004, 2007 and 2013 but now that that shit is essentially buried like the ol’ racist, sexist Bambino himself, I’m aiight with it.
We begins with Generic hugging and high fiving his teammates using an Italian accent because, hey, that’s what you do when you win.
Eyester says if they have another team challenge “we should agree to not act like fucking children.”
Annoyed Aaron asks if he thinks the (his) green team had something to do with Afro Joy going home.
Annoyed said it came down to the protein and “our team” did that well.
No, honey, Born & Bred did it. She knocked it out of the park while you and 2008 knocked heads and kicked rocks.
Eyester says (To Camera) he’s bewildered why one of them didn’t go home. Saying nothing, of course, about his own 'vanilla ways' which could have caused Him to go home versus Afro Joy and is also the name of Al Jarreau’s latest single.
Generic says something generic like “Hey, guys, I don’t know…let’s go home and ride this one out.”
No, seriously, he said that.
The next morning Who is James Rigato sits on the balcony with Annoyed Aaron and takes him under his Patrick Swayze tatted wing.
He’s someone whose “Mom drank a lot.” His “Dad was a rolling stone.” His “sister raised him.”
(Apparently he’s also someone who got a hold of a complete background check on Annoyed Aaron to know they have this in common.)
Annoyed says he grew up at a young age with no discipline, father figure or parental guidance and started to cook for himself. First out of necessity and then he grew to love it.
You stop that, Bravo! Making him look adorable!
He is no longer my Chef Boyfriend!
He says because of his childhood he picks and chooses his friends carefully, he knows he comes off as this cocky kid and Top Chef is helping him work this stuff out.
We went from filet to Dr. Phil in ten seconds.
When they get to the TC kitchen Pads is resplendent in a black plunger…
Oh, Smug One!
Seriously, can he not look smug for once.
Mel King says he was one of the first Chinese chefs on TV and it inspired her. (Hopefully not to be smug.)
Hold Up tho, it’s a-
Sudden Death Quickfire!
Are they getting evicted from the TC House or something? They’re thinning the ranks like a mofo!
No one is thrilled with this news. Especially not Salad.
Pads talks about the Sons of Liberty…blahblah Tea Party blahblah...
Smug One: “Hence, in America we drink a lot more coffee than tea.”
(Hence? Really? So smug.)
Blah blah- OMG Pads are you still talking about tea? There isn’t even a tea sponsor!
Thirty varieties on the table, they can only use one, the canisters aren’t marked (Lordy) the winner gets immunity, the loser goes home immediately, “you have 45 minutes to make tea for two”, hope you wore your sneakers and adult diapers TIME STARTS NOW!
will.i.am is hoping for a floral since darker teas lend themselves to roasted meats and there might not be enough time to cook them and gets strawberry white-
(Crap, now that’s gonna be in my head all morning. Thanks, Obama!)
Annoyed Aaron gets gunpowder spearmint. See ya, Ex-chef Boyfriend. It was about like 10 minutes of fun so, right in line with my usual exes. He says he was going for yellowtail and that Generic grabbed it out of his hand (of course there’s not footage of this) and picks monkfish cheeks instead.
Yes, I’m vegan. I know, thank you. Nothing really bugs me about anyone eating what they eat, it's their choice- sometimes people apologize or won’t even order meat in front of me- I’m good with it. Suck all the goat eyeballs you want. But there’s something about the cheek of an animal. I dunno, it just makes me sad. Cheeks are for kissing and pinching! Okay I’m done preaching on that.
Boston Bred asks Generic if he can believe it’s another elimination quickfire: “We got one New Yorker” (him) “and one Bostonian” (her) “left, it ain’t gonna be one of us.”
LaMalfa gets lemongrass pomegranate rooibos tea (for real?) and makes a dessert.
Mexikosher is only using Three Ingredients?!
Eyester gets a chocolate tea and goes for a mole and Who Is James Rigato’s eyes in the process.
Mel King picked a toasted nut tea and makes a Chinese dish. We learn she’s in the Prove It To My Parents Posse when she reveals her Dad was strict and didn’t support her being a chef.
What’s up with these parents? At the least be strategic, your kid being a chef means free food for life!
6 minutes left!
Eyester burns his duck!
Annoyed Aaron “cooked the shit” out of his monkfish cheeks!
2008 hopes he’s on the losing side.
Pads calls Annoyed’s monkfish “hammered”; the Smug One generally doesn’t like the pairing of fish and fruit but appreciates will.i.am’s; LaMalfa “did, pretty much a neutral cake” that would pick up as much flavor of the tea as possible.
There are ways NOT to describe your food. Neutral is one of them.
The Smug One dug: Mel King, will.i.am and Eyester- the winnah?
The Smug One hated:
Who is James Rigato, Annoyed Aaron and net neutrality cake, LaMalfa.
But the chef who might go home is:
Guess who can hardly contain her joy?
OMG I wonder if he’s gonna chose 2008 to go against in the sudden death competition?!
Hm, looks like she just realized that’s a possibility too.
Then, because he’s annoying, Aaron adds (in the room, not To Camera, btw):
“It’s an easy choice.”
Pads: “You think you can beat her?”
Annoyed announces “she teaches cooking for a living and I never went to culinary school, so.…”
Let’s look for the logic there...nope, can’t find it!
Pads: “We’ll see who schools whom.”
I will say it’s super interesting he didn’t pick 2008 and, of course, she jumps bad (To Camera) reminding us he said he could cook her under the table and announcing she was fully prepared to send him home and that in 2009 she was voted most likely to make someone nod off during a conversation.
They have 30 minutes to- oh hold up! They’re throwing more twists in there?
Time Starts NOW!
Annoyed decides to make a spring roll- huh?
Salad can’t boil a salad so she’s making fresh pasta. The pasta machine isn’t working (!!!) she has to hand cut it! The peanut gallery throws out encouragement and asks “how it’s tasting” which I would imagine, if you were cooking, is as bothersome as fuck.
Annoyed created a spring roll wrapper from minced shrimp and spices and then boiled it- pretty inventive.
Additionally! A great way to ingest plastic.
Annoyed Aaron is really annoyed that he can't roast the peanuts he's putting into his spring roll. I'd be annoyed too! The Sudden Death Quickfire is enough, now you're turning into Cutthroat Kitchen with the extras? Come on, Bravo!
Annoyed says (To Camera) he’s self taught and if he pulls this off it’s an “iron in the back” to all the people that didn’t go to culinary school. Okay, I think he meant to the people who Did go to culinary school. That makes more sense. And I’d just like to comment that, if an iron in the back is a common occurrence in your part of town, that's a tough town. That's some hardscrabble Upton Sinclair shit.
Annoyed’s looks a little like a raw piece of calamari is vomiting carrots.
Pads appears both pissed and perplexed.
Oh, Dood, just walk out and pack your bags.
Salad’s offering looks sorta meh.
Here we go…
Smug gives Salad props for “having the courage” to make fresh pasta. (Okay, let's maybe save that word for more important matters, she didn’t save a baby in Iraq.) He thought it needed more sauce and more salt.
He gives “kudos” to Annoyed for making a wrapper out of shrimp but questioned the use raw peanuts.
The winner is…
Smug says Annoyed Aaron knows what he’s doing to use that technique. High praise.
Pads asks if they’re ready to be taken out to the old ball game. Then we hear:
“Fried dough HE-YAH!”
Pads: “Boston is home to Fenway Park, the oldest ballpark in the nation.”
Pads says for the first time ever they’re hosting a culinary event- can you just say they’re doing this for Top Chef? We know these are not real things that are ever coming back to our city. Thanks.
Born & Bred feels like it’s Xmas Fucking Eve.
They’re tasked with-
Pads is gonna insert a Ferragamo heel into that ass.
I can’t wait to see this guy on NESN!
45 minutes to shop and 350 to do it!
Born & Bred says she’s excited to be at Fenway but knows that Generic is not. Generic loves his pinstripes- please don’t talk about Jeter, I’m kinda over Jeter.
Generic: “I’m supah stoked, Ked!”
Eyester (who tries to take his son to a baseball game a few times a year even though "the life of a chef isn't conducive to marriage or kids") thinks fine dining with concession food is going to be a bit of a challenge so he’s going to make a popcorn soup and put a piece of haddock in the middle so it looks like baseball because I guess that’s as utterly ridiculous as he thinks this challenge is?????
Salad’s Dad had a love/hate relationship with the Minnesota Twins.
One of her fondest memories is them going to a great game just before he passed away from cancer. She’s dedicating her crème brûlée to him. Aww (not to be confused with Aww Little Dougie.)
Who is James Rigato really wants to make a crab cake.
But who is James Rigato?
He doesn’t like junk food so he’s not excited about this challenge. He picked the pretzels because he knew everyone would be going for peanuts. He found out there is no fresh crab. Who is Jame Rigato? James Rigato is the chef who won't be making a crab cake.
Instead he'll make...a lobster cake?
Here’s a reaction to 2008, trying to braise short ribs in 3 hours, announcing to the world and the oven that she’s “setting” it to “400!”
Generic doesn’t know what kind of kitchen they’re cooking in at Fenway (because the kitchens are soooooooooooooo great at Yankee Stadium) so he’s poaching his halibut so the next day it’s a “scoop and serve” which sounds gross.
LaMalfa (To Camera): “What is he doing?” Overcooked fish is her worst nightmare.
I’d go with Ebola or the dream I had the other night- Charlize Theron eating newborns after rolling them around in honey and giant ants.
Shit is real.
The next day at the TC House we get a backstory surprise.
While working at a 4 star restaurant will.i.am started partying too much and using drugs.
He lost jobs, friends and influenced no one.
He’s sober now, repaired relationships and winning TC is the most important thing he “can do today to close the door on the darkness of his past.”
Damn I wish I knew this before I picked Afro Joy!!!
OBLIGATORY PHOTOS OF FENWAY PARK HERE
They arrive and- oh, maybe Generic was right, they’re not in the luxury box kitchens, they’re cooking in the concession stand kitchens. Right. Makes sense. Also, they have to cook in shifts.
Salad is immediately concerned, her crème brûlée did not set.
She whips it and tries to do a free form crème brûlée. Uh oh. Then she proceeds to run around behind everyone frantically and doctor it up.
Chew a dick, Aaron.
Salad: “The torch is melting it and it’s not working. I’m struggling. I’m struggling!”
Eyester: “You got it, you got it. Don’t freak out.”
Or maybe do freak cause Here’s Come The Judge!
Okay, wait a minute, this is dope.
Hey, look who gets to eat free. The guy who basically loves to hate every team and player we have and often when we win brings up all sorts of awful things that have happened in the past so when you're done reading his column you feel like we lost.
Meanwhile, Eyester asks Salad and Annoyed Aaron how they’re doing. He’s a good dad.
He even tells Annoyed his bagel dog looks good.
See, that’s all Annoyed needs.
A little love and encourag- no. No! NO! You are not my Chef Boyfriend!
Blais loves Annoyed Aaron’s presentation, Colicchio likes the sauces and the use of the pretzel.
Salad apologizes at the start: “I had a huge mistake in the technique.”
Salad shouldn’t but continues “I’m sorry…”
Salad: “..I let you down.”
Annoyed Aaron (To Camera): “What the fuck are you doing, dude?”
Salad: “my original technique was to do a popcorn crème brûlée…”
OMG you’re still talking?!
Blais asks Eck if a pitch isn’t working in the bullpen “you don’t come out on the mound and tell the other team your pitch isn’t tight, do you?”
Colicchio says you put the plate down and step back.
Salad thanks them and says “this is huge” and she has a lot of good memories of her Dad and baseball before he passed away which elicits an “Ohhh” from Pads.
Nice work, Pads.
Of course, someone is annoyed.
Finally they’re dismissed and Pads asks Eck what it’s like when you lose a big game and he says- no one will look at you. No one makes eye contact. Pads: “Shoulda played for a the Yankees.”
Unibrow said the belly was tough.
Blais says it’s tight and overcooked and she should have cut the meat into smaller pieces. Brian Voltaggio is gonna be mad at you. But that’s okay. I’ll make him feel better later.
Smug tells Born & Bred: “I think you did Boston proud.” Then Blais says something about if all goes well she might be throwing out the first pitch and I can’t talk about it anymore because I get jinxy but when asked she does tell Colicchio: “I know how to throw a ball.” BLAM!
In the concession stand kitchen will.i.am does a lot of tasting which is good. He also does a lot of open mouth eating directly over the food he’s about to serve which is not.
When Generic pulls his fish out the oven he says the oven has “hammered them.”
Um, we all know it’s not the oven, pinstripe lover. “Honestly, I fucked the fish up.”
“The fuckin curse of the bambino turned on me.”
It’s getting a pay check!
Rub that fish’s feets and give it the evening paper and an extra portion of fish for dinner!
Blow that fish!
Colicchio: “Yeah. Exactly”
Then Blais adds that the broth saves that it’s overcooked.
will.i.am said he thought of Cracker Jacks-
When the chefs go back to the dugout the Judge’s let it rip. The guy who hates all our sports teams call Eyester’s dish “monster ball soup.” Colicchio: “It’s like, where are you going with this?”
Mei Lin’s uncooked dish is called unfortunate. There’s debate over whose is worse- Mexikosher’s uncooked pork belly or 2008’s uncooked short ribs.
In the dugout Eyester says he has to get used to smaller portions “that’s just not my thing.” Try to make it your thing, Hon.
In summary, the guy who hates all our teams says it’s the best food he’s eaten at Fenway Park which means he will, from now on, no matter what he eats at Fenway, be getting the Spit Special.
Stew Room- someone asks Annoyed what they said about his food. He tells them they didn’t like the filling or the seasoning and that was his fault.
Shockingly Annoyed ignores this but then Mexikosher says something else that honestly needed a subtitle because I can’t make it out and now we get-
Annoyed: “Shut the fuck up. I’m so tired of you talking. So many people are tired of you talking.”
With a side order of-
Mexikosher: "Don’t talk to me like that. Just because you suck at cooking…"
Annoyed: “Bread pudding is what five year old’s do, you’re on Top Chef.”
“If you ever talk to me like that…”
(The pinky out is a nice touch.)
Annoyed: “…I don’t give a fuck…”
Mexikosher“…you and I will have a problem.”
Who is James Rigato says they’re like rams going at each other. But who is James Rigato? He’s someone who thinks Mexikosher will pick at you and pick at you.
Oh so he'll just pile it on like his ingredients.
Mexi: “You’re gonna go home. People hate you. Keep embracing the hate.”
Then we hear high heels and after everyone’s assembled as you might guess…
Hey! No Born & Bred?
Pads tries to make Salad cry again by mentioning her Dad would be proud.
Smug tells Mel King he loved the surprise of the bacon popcorn underneath the soup.
Colicchio tells will.i.am it’s the details that made his dish great.
The winnah…Mr. Immunity
Colicchio tells the other chefs they better step it up (dayum!)
The worst…it’s a bit of a surprise…
Who is James Rigato?
Colicchio actually says that 2008 is no stranger to competition “you really thought you could braise short ribs in that short of time without a pressure cooker?”
First female and first American to win the title World’s Greatest Young Chef in 2008 SLAM!
Unibrow: “My worry is you’re kinda standing behind the braise.”
She stutters and says she doesn’t believe you should be able to eat short ribs with a spoon. She prefers a fork.
Unibrow says he would have had to been a Sabertooth tiger to eat hers.
Unibrow tells Mexikosher to become a better editor and cross out all of the elements that weren’t essential to his plate. Mexikosher thinks of how he can add more words to Unibrow's sentence.
Eyester should have said- I took this challenge literally with the fish ball and made it baseball sized. But he said his problem was translating the challenge which actually sounds worse.
In the end, Pads asked
Colicchio: "We're both old dogs and sometimes you put a dish together and you say I wish I had that back. It was just hard to get over the overall messiness of it."
You're both old dogs? Huh?
Oh man, he's crying!
"I mean, there's no doubt I'm better than the people who are still in that kitchen right now."
Wait a minute, what?!
Ah, not all of them, Vanilla.
"All these little miniature entrees that these kids are making- it's not what I do."
Hon, maybe it's what you should do. For many good reasons. At least consider it, please?
Annoyed Aaron looks so sad when he hugs Eyester goodbye.
Who will take him to a baseball game?
Who will tell him it's okay to get a C+ on a math quiz now and then?
Who will teach him about love?
Because he is NOT my Chef Boyfriend.
OH there's a DOUBLE ELIMINATION?!
They really want these Doods out! Whew!
Until next time, Poolers...
Splitz- Mei Lin
Kyle- wil.i.am and Mei Lin
LB- 2008 and Mei Lin
Meriden- will.i.am and Mel King
Rich E.- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin
Colucci- Aww Lil Dougie
Jenna- Mei Lin
Mari- Born & Bred and Mei Lin
Kat- Born & Bred
Keith- Aww Lil Dougie and will.i.am
Martha- will.i.am and Mei Lin
Karen Logue- Aww Lil Dougie and Mei Lin
Jet- will.i.am and Mei Lin
Brownie- Who’s James Rigato and Mel King
Lucy- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King
Holly- Generic and Mei Lin
Greg- 2008 and will.i.am
Q- Mei Lin
Elli P.- Annoyed Aaron
KK- Who’s James Rigato and Mei Lin
Ed Kearns- Aww Lil Dougie and Mel King
Me- Born & Bred