Thursday, January 24, 2013

"Where are the bones?"

Before we get to this week's ep and my revelations and slip shod evidence about what I think really went down (Pads had it IN for Model Boston!) let's get the inevitable out of the way.

First, I don't want to talk about the Patriots. EVAH!

2) I blame Gisele.

C) Ray Lewis is a murderer (shout out to Wes Welker's wife) who oddly believes God has nothing better to do than to help him win a SuperBowl. (Famine? Wars? Sick babies? Kill that noise he's polishing a Lombardi trophy just for you, Ray!)

4) It's colder than a witches' tit out there!
I've never seen or touched the chestal region of a witch and I'd assume, technically, that they'd be really warm blooded (like down with Satan-type warm) but either way it's truly freezing out that mofo. My shoulders are achy from hunching tryna save my ears! Please dress responsibly.

Now On With The Show!

Stefan congratulates Sheldon who is extra smiley over his Restaurant Wars winning new car. Baldo says Model Boston must be pissed.
Brooke admits if she "ever in a million years" thought it would have gone that way she would have said something at Judge's Table.
No you wouldn't, Brooke!
Deep down you, like everyone else, want a better chef to go home so you can get the prize! You think you can beat Josie! But maybe you can't.
Maybe we're all gonna be forced to watch The Josie Show CLOCKWORK ORANGE style with our eyelids held open. Gross.

Stefan says Model Boston didn't stand up for herself...

And he would have thrown Josie under the bus...
Mega true (also prolly fun to watch.)

But Model Boston is "coming back in Last Chance Kitchen."
Don't rely on LCK, Dood. What if YOU get in there and have to go against her?
What then?! OMG you KNOW that's gonna happen! Should we place side bets on how that turns out?

Meanwhile Josie feels "heavy this morning."
No comment.

Cue the violins as she begins a soliloquy about telling "the judges what's going on." This is the only elimination where she "felt some sort of guilt."
Then- "I've kept my head down, I've kept pushing forward," like turtle, in an apron, who cackles, shout out to 305...BLAHBLAHWHATEVS!

At first I thought she was just saying all this to the camera crew, then I realized...
Poor Lizzie.

Poor accent having, non-reacting Lizzie. Time to get a new room. Shit, I'd sleep on the friggin balcony to avoid that dramz.

When they get to the TC Kitchen, Pads is wearing the only reason why I now think I should be able to press a button on my remote control and find out what someone on my teevee is wearing and where to buy it. Lookit that fucking dress!
This is a job for Q! Q is the only person I know who, if you tell her a vague description of something you saw on a person on a bicycle, she can find it on the interwebs! It's one of her many talents-right up there with Art Direction, Design, Hatmaking and what?
Oh- that guy?
Yeah he damn near invented sushi or something. Stefan is nervous about him. But THAT DRESS! It almost makes me want to forgive Pads for being so catty this season!

Alright, alright- the Quickfire...
Valentine cracks his neck because he's from Oklahoma and doesn't make sushi a lot.
Translation: Never.

The Master says keep it simple: "don't touch too much, don't mix up too much ingredients. Always think how you can make people who eat happy."

I think Josie could make people happy by deciding to be an accountant.
Pads says the winner gets 5k and then drops the No More Immunity From Here On Out Bomb.

30 Minutes Starts Now!
Valentine makes sushi with tempura bacon and eggs.
Stefan: "That's so fucking dumb."
Thank you. For once we see eye to angry foreign eye! Then he wipes his station down because he has "writer's block."
I think that would be called chef's block. Actually there's no word for that, Just Cook, Dood! Wait- it's sushi, Don't Cook!
Sheldon makes a "lemon charcoal" where he burns half a lemon and blends it up into a powder (holy crap!) and ruins a terribly expensive Vitamix blender forever.

Stefan made two offerings.
The Master likes Josie's but thinks it needs punch (in the belly!)
Lizzie made a lobster soup with pickled greens. Beg pardon?
Brooke tells The Master sushi is her favorite food in the entire world. He seems overjoyed.
This is the kinda guy I'd like to have Chris Rock (after I'm friends with him because, you know, I'm going to date Louis C.K. soon) sit next to and just try to make laugh. I'd pay good money for that.
Valentine's bacon omelet is met with: "Bacon kind of oily."
The Master noticed that Sheldon burned the lemon, Sheldon smiles.

Unimpressed: Lizzie's chewy tempura; Valentine's greasy bacon.
Favorites: Brooke's "nice and clean" and Stefan's "good combination."
The winner?
Stefan: "That took me 27 challenges."
Oh just and take your 5k and buy two pairs of awful ripped jeans with it.

As soon as The Master exits, the jillionaire enters.

Colicchio is there too but, as you know, they see him all the time so no liquids are expelled from crotches over this.
Colicchio tells them Chang and few other chefs are in town and they'll be cooking for them.
He's in the mood for...fried chicken. This is right up Valentine's pork strewn alley.
Now David Chang was in a fried chicken battle with QuestLove a bit ago last year.
So I'm not really sure why TC would wanna bite this- maybe Chang is going to open a chicken restaurant? Or why (according to the Fallon Show clip in the link above) David Chang is now pulling a Steve Jobs and wearing the same clothes all the time but hey, whatever floats your raw chicken leg in oil.

Pads says the winner of the challenge gets a years-worth of Terlato wines. WOOT!
Stefan: "365 bottles. That'll last me about, three months."
That's two things we agree on. Make it three and we might have to go half on a baby (R. Kelly style.)

Valentine brines his chicken from the inside. And for the first time in a long time, I, Vegan, get skeeved out.

Josie talks as if she's on camera on The Rachael Ray Show- Two people I CAN'T STAND in the same room? I just spit up bile.
After a quick prep they get in their Product Placement Cars and go to "Colicchio's House" and chef it up in the kitchen. Valentine is just dropping his brined chicken into the fryers outside when Here Come The Judge!

Including this guy who's one half of Son Of A Gun- what an awesome name for a restaurant!

The Infamous TC Master and Guest Judge who, my theory, was in love with more than Slimer's (Mike Isabella's) chicken-

BAM! and Puck

and the other half of Son Of A Gun-

Sheldon's oil is too hot which means the outside will be cooked and the inside raw so he starts over and loses some wings in the process.
Josie finds out one of her fryers isn't frying correctly.
Lizzie thinks she's gonna go home because she's not making traditional chicken.
This seems like a fried disaster all the way round.

Who's up?!
Sheldon's Momofuku-ish (bold move to serve your version of someone's chicken to them in front of a bunch of other judgmental, soon to be drunk Guest Judges who are chefs. And drunk.)
But everyone digs it and Colicchio gives him extra credit for how he thought about it. Puck is mad that he didn't get a wing. David Chang thinks that's messed up. Hey, in my house growin' up it was first come, first served. You were lucky if you reached for a wing and didn't drew back a nub!

The Son Of A Guns think it's delicious but Colicchio says she doesn't understand fried chicken because she only used the breast. They all speculate on the unused meat. (Har.)

Hey look! Josie is serving her chicken on a green doormat!
The Son Of A Guns say they'd run Josie right outta town for serving her southern style chicken on a banana leaf. There was no spice at all. Puck: " was oily and when you make fried chicken with the skin on it it's going to be greasy and the chicken is going to be flabby."
I protest, Chauvinist. I used to make a mean skin-on fried chicken in a brown paper bag in my day and it was always moist and crunchy. OMG now I kinda want fried chicken.
BAM! holds out Josie's empty plate that shiny with a river of oil: "Want some grease?"
Hm, maybe not.

Stefan made...Filet O Fishes that you'd serve on a cruise ship?
BAM!: "I have the blues right now. I have the chicken cordon bleus." Har. Not bad, BAM! One of the Son Of A Guns says: "Wasn't he on Top Chef already?!"
They're appalled with the obvious minimal effort he put in.

Valentine's dish appears pretty, pretttttty perfect-
Michelle says it's wonderful. Colicchio says it wasn't the "most crispy but it was the most flavorful on the table."

Brooke's plate looks like my dried wheat cereal with tomatoes on top-

Oh but wait- Pads is going to drop a bomb with everyone still standing there: "Brooke, I heard the boys interviewed for you..."


Apparently the owners of Son Of A Gun (and Animal) applied to work at Brooke's restaurant?! And she doesn't even remember them?!?

Brooke: "What?!? And I didn't hire you?
"I'm sorry."
Brooke says To Camera that they're very well known and very well respected and "they're going to be judging me."

Pads say they won't hold it against her.
Pads is MEGAvindictive this season!
I'm not sure what's up (of course she wants to be Queen Bee (make that "B"?)) but these outbursts at other FEMALE chefs?

Watch What Happens Live (the night Model Boston was eliminated.)
Pads was getting over a cold so her voice was strained but Model Boston called in and Pads said she would rather have eaten HER food than Josie's food but then " were the Executive Chef and you knew that! ...You should have said 'I need that sauce by 2pm or 4pm'...You have to be more specific when you have a weak link like that on your team, and I'm not saying she's the weakest link, maybe she is, I don't know but...don't leave anything to chance and you know that!"

Why was she yelling? (With a Sore Throat no less!)
Model Boston was super gracious and said she wouldn't have started yelling at Judge's Table because both she and Josie would have looked bad.
Pads agreed and says what Josie did wasn't anything they "couldn't have figured out."
Sooooo Model Boston didn't have to say anything?
They knew Josie sucked?
Cause if you could figure it out you should have sent Josie home!
Perhaps they wanted to keep Josie on until The Josie Show went on hiatus?
Then Pads threw her a half chewed bone and said she thinks she'll be Fan Favorite- (who gives a shit!) and finally, after Model Boston hangs up
Pads: "So many people have come up to me about her, men, women, they all have a crush on her."
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, that says it all wouldn't you say?
Oh you don't?

EXHIBIT B: (from Reality Nation) "OK, this is where I have to speculate, and while this might be very unfair, that’s never stopped me before. Many who watched this week’s episode had to be startled by just how vehement Padma was on the issue of who needed to go home. Surely she knew Kristen had been one of this season’s stars, and that Josie totally sucks? Or maybe something else was motivating her?"
G'head, read the rest at your leisure:
Uh huh.

Finally, EXHIBIT C: Colicchio gives a LOOOOONG ass explanation that almost appears as if a PR firm wrote it, half-ass apologizing saying if he knew the background (??) he would have asked Model Boston if it were a real restaurant if she would have fired Josie.
Um, I guess he couldn't think of that question with Pads squeezing his nuts in a vice under Judge's Table?

I say all the evidence points to Pads being jealous,
getting feisty and,
potentially practicing fuckery!
Lizzie better keep her lipstick off and her head down, she could be next!

Meanwhile, back at Colicchio's "house" everyone is SAUCED!

Pads asks for a verdict on Brooke's chicken.
Puck: "Why the fuck don't you have no bones, where are the bones?"
Puck: "What is the show called here? I wouldn't even call it the Apprentice!"
Colicchio says Brooke's chicken was "really unfortunate" and one of the Son Of A Guns: "I'm glad I didn't take the job."
Hoo boy.

I'm predicting right now that it's Josie, Brooke and Stefan up for elimination.
And if one of those two let Josie slide...

Judge's Table is left to the next morning so we can get a load of a new outfit-

They ask to Valentine, Sheldon and Lizzie. THERE you have it. Prediction = REALITY!

After pud pulling, the majority of the smoke is blown up the ass of the one who actually smoked their chicken, the winner of 365 bottles of wine...
He feels all validated-y.

When Brooke, Josie and Stefan go to get their nuts clipped-
Is this a sign...? Hm- we did a get teary bit prior to Judge's Table with Stefan talking to his Mother who has Parkinson's. Perhaps he's going home...???

Colicchio says they made "big mistakes."
Brooke shakes her head and admits she didn't have an idea. Puck said she shouldn't have taken it off the bone.
Chang tells Josie there was a pool of grease under her chicken and it was a "gut bomb and not in a good way."
I'm not sure if there IS a good gut bomb. I think the mere admission that there's a bomb in your gut says things like: butt soup, cramps, and toilet bowl busting diarrheas.

Josie says one of the fryers was down and she ran out of time...
Colicchio: "This seems to be happening a lot now. Running out of hour to fry chicken is plenty of time."
Josie says she wasted time.

Colicchio: "Exactly, you wasted time."
Josie: "Lizzie had a piece of my chicken and it was delicious."
Are you kidding me, Headband?!
Colicchio names everyone who was at the dinner and then says I guess "we don't what we're talking about."

Stefan says he grew up in Europe and they don't have fried chicken. Puck says he grew up in Austria and when they weren't putting down women they were having them make fried chicken and it was delicious. Stefan says chicken cordon bleu was his twist on fried chicken (watch him dance!) they tell him that's not a twist. BAM!: "It wasn't good enough."
After Pads asks them to leave she says: "Such a bullshitter. Such a bullshitter."
WOW! See what I mean about her?!

Pads asks the other Judges who made the worst chicken. Brooke's was too complicated. She over thought it. Colicchio says he'd rather eat Brooke's chicken than Josie's because of the grease. Pads: "It was flavorful."
Pads could send Stefan home because of "his outright lying to us, 'I don't know fried chicken' oh really?!"
Before I can have a heart attack the tallies are in on

Save a Chef

Wow! Looks like Kuniko is on the rocks, but we'll wait until next week to make that official...
After the break. Well, I'm really not sure what to say here except these these posts are going to get briefer and more terse if Josie stays much longer.

Pads: "Josie...."

I'm not saying shit because I was tricked before...

Pads: "Please pack your knives and go."


Josie: "Thank you guys for having me back, it's always a good time here in the Top Chef kitchen."
Yeah it's a good time because you're not really cooking! Oh now- this is happening- Stefan goes in for a hug and she semi-slaps his hand away and then does a weird half high five.

Bizarre. You want to hug everyone you dissed but when they want to hug you it's a no go?

She says To Camera, out of all the challenges to be sent home on this one is "kind of stupid, whatever."
I think you should call yourself stupid because You wrecked it, okay?
Josie: "Alright guys, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in!"
"You get your piece and quiet now."

Valentine thanks God the Josie show is cancelled. He's thrilled to get "rid of her laugh."
Me too, Yukon Cornelius!
Except...what if all of this is a cruel joke because she suddenly has a great day while in

Colicchio asks Model Boston if she's surprised to see Josie there: "Not really."
Laser Eyes! PEW PEW!!

Since Josie had a problem with consistency and time management, those will be a part of the challenge. They take a Product Placement Car to Pike's market to pick out giant salmons. When they return-

The Challenge!
Break down the salmon and make TEN DISHES for the Peanut Gallery in the kitchen.
30 Minutes Starts NOW!

Model Boston finds the salmon so soft it actually starts to tear when she cuts it. Josie takes the skin off which the Peanut Gallery thinks is a bad move.
Colicchio says watching both of them break down a fish is complicated. The salmon is so soft every time they handle it, it just breaks down. They should have cut it with minimal pressure and movement.
Model Boston has the eye of the tiger when she's cooking, actually saying "Aw yeah!"
but when it comes time to plate, her hands are shaking!

Jazz Patch yells out "Come on Josie!"

Then Josie finds she has a piece of fish missing- one is on the floor!!!!
She breaks down another piece and gets it on the time!


Both of are told it's difficult to cook fish when you cut it that way. Fail!
Model Boston's raisins were plumped (she tried to pickle them) but not soft enough. Josie's fish was overcooked, but the fennel pollen was great and "filled the kitchen with a great aroma."
Now we're going on aromas?

The winner?

Model Boston!
"Oh really?!"

Oh Really. Ding Dong Josie's laugh is gone. Whew.

And, with CJ and Kuniko facing each other in Save A Chef; that means it's official: Stripes and CC, sadly, I must ask you to pack your knives and go.

Next Week- oh who the hell cares- Josie's gone! Now shit gets real!
Well, about as real as a half-scripted, half-"real" reality show with a host who now apparently plays favorites and two separate contests beyond the show are going on can get. Enjoy!

GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
LB Kuniko
TRIPP Sheldon and Kuniko
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KEITH Model Boston
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ and Kuniko
ME Brooke and Kuniko

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