Thursday, January 17, 2013

"They're gonna know we put our blood, sweat and tears in."

OMG Feast your eyes on this!

That's long-time Top Chef Poolers CC and Daisy with MODEL BOSTON in Boston!

They ate at Stir!
(A tremendous Xmas gift from CC to Daisy. Major Relationship Points!)

According to Daisy Model Boston "is suuuper chill and her food rocked. The dessert was on another level, she was soooo excited to make / serve it, I can't even describe how friggin good it was. She nailed every course. The majority of people didn't know who she was."
Stir is tiny, btw, ten people maximum. Apparently Model Boston watches Top Chef each week with Barbara Lynch! I bet their munchies are MEGA!
"She thinks she comes off different on TV and hates the sound of her voice."
(Daisy reassured her she came off totally cool.)

The first course at Stir was inspired by Jazz Patch but she didn't say why. I wonder if Josie came out and introduced it incorrectly. OH and Model Boston's mom did NOT approve of the foot massage Stefan gave her or her smoking. (I think smoking is worse than a foot massage.)

CC chose to tell Model Boston that he Did Not pick her for this pool.
Hoo boy!
In CC's words: "CC made the night cool with that statement."
CC needs to talk to CC about this.

WOW What a treat?! And, to date, the biggest brush with a Top Chef Bravolebrity in Top Chef Pool history!

OH and GBG sent this link from a woman who's a chef and got to be a diner at the TC Bite of Seattle ep!

So many Lucky Ducks!
Now let's settle in for PART TWO OF RESTAURANT WARS!

Valentine says making it to Restaurant Wars was his minimum goal.
Goals come in mini and maxi sizes like tampons now?

Brooke thinks Model Boston has a weakness because she hasn't run a kitchen.
When a nervous Valentine asks Sheldon how he cooks modern Filipino food the answer is: "not even herbs, Bro." Sheldon doesn't "do herbs." (Well he MUST do those kind, he's from Hawaii for King Kamehameha's sake!)
Sheldon is happy to have Stefan's experience and input (here Stefan begins to spew things I can't quite hear but he likens the kitchen to "death") and decides to put him in the front of the house.
I don't think I'd put Stefan in the front of anything. He is Not Fabio. (Oh, Fabio I miss you so!)

The spaces are nice.

They walk through to a patio in the back. Then they walk around and back again.
Hm, something's missing.
I think it's...
yup, the kitchens.
The kitchens are missing because there aren't any.
Stefan: "I don't know whose smart ass idea it was to build the kitchen from scratch and the restaurant from scratch."
Um, that would be the Bravo producers, Baldy.
And now we're alllllll gonna relish in the running around you guys do and, ultimately, the lobbying some of you undertake when the show is over and you sue Bravo in an attempt to get them to offer a bigger prize because, at this point, you guys deserve $300k if you make it past this upcoming Shit Show.

Model Boston goes shopping with Lizzie sends Josie and Brooke pick up the equipment because Josie's personality is the "complete opposite" of hers and she doesn't want it to have a negative affect.
Ah, then Why Did You Pick Her?!

Did you not notice her inability to get food out come crunch time?
Her aggressiveness during after cooking libations?
Her attempt to out Jazz Patch?!
Have you not heard her laugh/cackle that has actually buzzed through trees in several Seattle area forests.

Case in point- Josie wants to buy, these.
Yeah. She thinks a little accent of color is "kinda sexy."

Brooke: "I feel we have to keep it really simple."

Meanwhile, Stefan shops for restaurant fixins alone while Sheldon and Valentine get the food. He says everybody "thinks every European is gay but we just DO like little flowers and pebbles and little vases and stuff..."
Stefan: "So what?!"

Um, the potential problem lies in these jeans. Perhaps Sheldon was eating Healthy Choice the day Stefan rocked them?
Cause I wouldn't be quick in letting him buy any important interior type items after witnessing that.
Wait- now Sheldon likes the farmer's table and benches (admittedly uncomfortable) but lets Stefan pick the chairs and tables?! He's gonna get something from the Frederick Kruger Collection!

Now the two teams put an outdoor kitchen together (will it rain?);
set up tables and chairs and linens (for 100);
and roast bones and cook meats to prep for the next day. OH- everyone except Josie who told Model Boston she was gonna roast bones for the bouillabaisse but has now decided to do all the mise en place instead and roast everything in the morning.
Huh? Model Boston looks frustrated but says...NOTHING. DOOD!

That night at the TC House, the Girls plot strategy.
Brooke is concerned about the inevitable bum rush of people at the door.
Josie, who may still wear an orange Chef Josie headband to match the orange napkins she wanted: "So we need to pre-plate some stuff."
No comment.
Josie: "How do you want to do this?"
Model Boston wants to cook to order.

There's a sigh and Josie takes her glass of wine and XXL Men's Warehouse button downed shirted self and leaves the room.

Josie (To Camera): "I mean, that's what she does, every single day back in Boston, she has a tasting menu but she has a tasting menu for 10 people and not 100 people."
Well, CC and Daisy would say there's nothing wrong with that!

On the balcony with Valentine and Stefan, Josie says her idea is to do "a la minute" but Model Boston doesn't want to, " a line cook I can get it done..."
Can you though?
Cause I doubt you being able to even do your hair. You rock a ponytail and a headband daily so it SEEMS like your hair is done, but quite frankly no one knows What's up in that dome.
"...right now I have to step back...I'm a soldier."
The Boys say nothing.

She finishes her hater cigarette and leaves. Valentine says if they cook the fish to order-
I dunno. We've seen Colicchio go more bald about rubbery, dried out fish and meats that weren't cooked to order. I think pre-cooking SOME non-essentials is the way to go. And if Josie did shouldn't she have done that bouille? But whadda I know, I'm just over here steaming cauliflower and roasting butternut squash in prep for the two soups I'm gonna make tomorrow. Oh...!

Sheldon's Urbano concept is a tribute to his grandpa who he used to cook with on a reg. He wasn't been classically trained as a chef, he's just worked very hard since he was a baby in a tiny red knit cap. He says the Judges are "gonna know we put our blood, sweat and tears in."
Please don't ever say that.
Then tells Valentine:
Notice Valentine's non-reaction. He prolly thinks it's a Filipino sorbet he has to add to the menu.

Boys Course rundown:
Stefan does the 1st, a raw fish dish (he does this a lot, doesn't he?);
Valentine a balut which is, wait it's traditionally- oh my God, an unhatched chicken egg with...
and beaks...
I just gagged) with a poached egg and duck;
3rd is Sheldon's Filipino soup with fresh noodles that Sheldon is making...individually-
Lord In Heaven is there time to roll said noodles?!?
4th course is the "National dish of the Philippines" dobo (or adobo.) Not to be confused with adobe which I would just serve and then hang back and watch the Judges scarf down and while I laughed. Let them eat clay!
Valentine is also doing the dessert- a "frozen ice kind of thing" I'm glad he's not introducing the courses.

Model Boston came up with the idea of Atelier Kwan when she was 5 years old and was watching French cooking shows and pretended to have a French restaurant- Awww! She wants to do the whole thing, come up with the whole thing and "take responsibility for it." Oh, you will, Honey!

Girls Course rundown:
Lizzie makes the 1st, a charcuterie with a twist;
Josie the bouille with halibut, Dungess crab, etc.; Model Boston's 3rd is a beef--PAUSE MOMENT!
Is there a new contestant!?!
WhoTF is that?!
Hm, I guess each team has help? OH, they're the dishwashers!
Each team has two and they're wisely putting them to good use.
Sheldon: "It's like a real restaurant where they help with prep. I myself started as a dishwasher and worked my way up." Then he tells the dishwasher: "I love you Pedro!"

Put your threes up for Dishwashers. Our Nation's Unsung Food Heroes.

2 Hours Before Service!
Brooke goes through things with the staff. When Model Boston asks Josie about the bouille stock she's told it' hour away.
Then Josie asks where the gelatin is.
No, Model Boston, that's incorrect. You have to put your ring and index fingers down to give someone the finger.
The original plan was to thicken the bouille with gelatin (as is how it's done) so when it's charged it comes out frothy.
At a loss since the sauce is still being cooked, she tells Josie to add cream instead.
Josie is AWFUL

Stefan goes over the menu with his staff and can't pronounce a gd thing! He admits To Camera there could be downfalls since he and Sheldon didn't have any time to talk.
Guests arrive and Stefan greets them with: "Good evening, welcome to-" he has to look at the chalkboard to tell them the name of the place!
Yes, "downfalls" sounds like a great way to describe what might occur.

Now Here come The Judge!
Pads prolly told Gail she was showing a lotta leg so Gail had to wear pants.

Brooke was hoping to get into a bit of a groove before the fuzz showed up but no dice! Here's Oblong (still barely able to fit the screen); Gail, Collichio and BAM!
Oblong and BAM! are already impressed with the decor.

First course up!
Surprise! It's a charcuterie as a soup! Gail: "It's great." BAM! loves the broth and the mustard isn't overpowering.

When Model Boston leads the charge to plate the bouille- the charger to froth it doesn't work! Josie "hadn't even tested the sauce."
Brooke does what she can to get the sauce up to par.
Thankfully that dress won't show a stain.

Model Boston says To Camera she'd prefer one of the dishwashers instead of Josie.
Josie (To Camera): "I'm just sensing a little bit of attitude, rolling of the eyes, I'm not blind."
But you could be.
From hot water in your eyeballs.
Launched from a pot that mysteriously went airborne.

The bouille finally arrives. Late and with minimal froth.
Oblong thinks the crab is delicious; BAM! had overcooked halibut and a "practically" raw scallop. Gail is missing froth that seems to have dissipated. Colicchio says you shouldn't serve something without broth in a dish that big. "Something went wrong back there." I think we know the name of that something.

At the end of the first seating (sans Judge's) on the Boys' side, it's a packed house.
Resulting in Stefan going to tables trying to take plates, saying (I'm not lying):
"Are you done?"
"Done? Oh I'm sorry."
"Almost done now?"
"We have like 25 people waiting."


Back at Atelier Kwan, Lizzie thinks Model Boston is in over her head and one table is served a course they had already. 'Atelier' means workshop in French, btw. Kind of appropriate when you think of it now.

Next course!
Pads loves the beef, Colicchio is missing sauce and Gail is missing red wine flavor. Colicchio: "If you're going to go out and reinterpret something if it's too close (to the original) there's no point."

Brooke serves her own cheese course-
BAM! loves the cheese (he eats Polly O strings on a reg), Gail digs the compote but the sticky pine nut thing is gonna cost someone a molar. OMG that reminds me of the time I ate a caramel Jolly Rancher stick in junior high. I know, all of that sounds durty but seriously they used to come in stick form, see?
I was like, 'Wow! This has peanuts!" And when I looked at the caramel stick my fucking back tooth was stuck to it! Last Jolly Rancher I ever ate.

Speaking of deconstruction, time for Model Boston's deconstructed French macaron/American macaroon hybrid thing!
Gail feels "set up."
She announces Model Boston's macaron is nothing like a macaron because if she "could come back as one single item in the culinary lexicon, it would be a macaron."


So you want to be reborn as a cookie yourself?
Okay, Gail.
(Notice her wine glasses. Plural.)

The Judge's say there were some amazing moments but because the concept was a reinvention of French dishes they set high standards. Oblong would go back for the charcuterie/soup.
On to next!

At Urbano, Stefan realizes he has a gaggle of past TC Judges/chefs/owners at the front. He gives them all champagne- what else can one do? Then goes to a table of two and asks them if they want to "lounge around."
This guy is killing me.

Woman: "We still have dessert."
Stefan (To Camera): "Really bitch?! Get out! I'm getting my ass kicked as we speak!"
Oh man.
Stefan: "Who do you want to upset? The Judge's or 40 other people who never come back to your restaurant?"
I hear you, Dood. These people just want TV time and free meal but you get more flies with honey. And a stronger immune system!

He finally seats The Judges and the past TC Judges/Chefs/Owners as they wrinkle their noses at the (still bulging) crowd at the front of the house.
Stefan serves his own first course-
BAM! says it's really delicious. Oblong likes the interchange between acid and sour.

Stefan intros Valentine's dish-
by saying:
"This is Josh's version of a balut, the infamous egg, in the Philippines. It's not a duck egg it's duck IN an egg. And foie gras. There's not much more to say. Thank you."
Then he jets! (Wows!)

Gail: "He is assuming we all know the infamous egg from the Philippines."
That sounds like a really dark Oliver Stone movie! Or a delightful children's book!
Oblong says Stefan let his chef down with that introduction was executed beautifully. Colicchio: "There's nothing remotely Filipino about it."

The next dish arrives...without Stefan to describe it!
He literally walks right by them!
BAM!: Colicchio, "you wanna tell us what we're having?"
BAM! "Is it MicKEY?"
Pads: "Not having much of a frame of reference, the plate looks pretty."
Colicchio loves the tapioca pasta.

Stefan comes by AFTER the plate has been cleared. Pads asks what they had. Stefan: "Oh miki...?" he then babbles something flippantly that I rewinded three times and couldn't figure out and walks away.
Colcchio: "Why do I feel like I was scolded?"
Gail: "We were, we were made to feel like idiots which is how you Never want anyone to feel."
Oblong says he bets there would be a different answer at Model Boston's restaurant.
Yeah! And it would be in French!
BAM!: "The way he made us feel was worse than that bouillabaisse."

Stefan shows up for this one-
Colicchio deems it the best dish he had all night. Oblong couldn't stop eating it.

Sidebar: I have NO IDEA how this is gonna turn out! I'm straight, trippin, Boo!

Last dish!
Stefan also throws in some shit. At least that's what it looks like.
And he made ginger tea. WHATEVS! You sucked it tonight!
Gail likes Valentine's dessert; BAM! says it's balanced. Colicchio wants the tea to knock the taste of bad service out of his mouth.
He says you go to a restaurant for the food and return for the hospitality and "I don't know if I'd return to this restaurant right now." Oblong agrees.
Pads points a bejeweled finger:
Stefan "should go home for that service today."

Colicchio: "But Josie should go home for that bouillabaisse."

BAM!: "But Josie's bouillabaisse wasn't awful. Stefan's service, was awful."

I'm tingling all over! Oh wait, it's just my ass cause I've been watching and typing while on the floor.

At Judge's Table it's Album Cover Showdown ACTIVATE!

Both restaurants are praised in that generic way a teacher says you gave a good effort before filleting you in front of your peers. Gail criticizes Model Boston's non-bourguignon with her beef and BAM! hits her on the dry cake in the deconstructed macaron.
Brooke is given a shout out for handling everything like a champ.
Pads asks if Lizzie was happy with her dish. She nervously says she was not wanting to hear: "Why? It sucked!" and she doesn't. they loved it. Colicchio: "Nice work." She points to Model Boston "it was a joint effort."
When Gail tells Josie the bouille didn't have enough broth she immediately replies that-
Model Boston "helped me plate your"

Josie: "I would have served it with more broth. It's not my concept, it's not my menu and ahhh..." I don't live here, the dog ate my homework, I lost my car keys, the bank was closed, my back hurts.

Colicchio: "You thought there should be broth, at any time did you tell her that?"
Josie: "No."
He goes over the steps- putting in gelatin...
Model Boston: "No gelatin."
Before she can say why-

Josie: "I would have made it brothy, I would have kind of, stuck to the original idea behind the bouillabaisse..."
"...but that's not what today was about."

Gail says that IS what today was about and it's her dish and she's on the line. It's not head chef against head chef.
Colicchio says maybe that's what she was hoping for.

Pads moves on to Urbano. Colicchio throws out a compliment about the type of cuisine it was and then BAM! says he was really blown away...with disappointment...
with the service.
How much do you wanna bet Stefan's Double Ex Wife has seen this face before?

Colicchio says they got dishes with no explanation and asks if he agrees service was poor.

Stefan: "I agree it's poor service. I'm a chef and not a server."

Colicchio praises Sheldon's individual dishes. Tells Valentine his balut wasn't Filipino but was good. And then, abruptly announces the winning restaurant from Restaurant Wars...


That's a photo of three guys shitting themselves in relief.
(Don't Google that sentence, btw, you won't like what you get.)

Sheldon gets the Product Placement Car!
Pads tells Stefan he's very lucky.

Colicchio tells 'Team Oh Wait, We're Not A Team It's The Josie Show?' that one of them is going home.
Here we go....
He says that it's safe to assume from the line of questioning that Lizzie and Brooke are safe.
Sphincters loosened and breathing back to normal for these two!
It hinges on...the sauce.

Model Boston tells them they were running out of time so she told Josie not to use the gelatin. Josie: "Yeah, I didn't know where anything was, SHE told me to just use the cream!"


Then The Josie Show takes a dramatic turn!
Josie: "I thought everything was cooked well, I thought the components looked well, I thought the broth was delicious, in the end- the sauce- you guys didn't get enough sauce -SHE sauced your plate, I'm sorry."

OMG Model Boston-- say SOMETHING!
Finally she does.
She says? At the end of the day it was her responsibility.

Then Josie goes even continues: "No, they're saying it's my responsibility!"

Model Boston announces it was a dish she conceived and everything stemmed from her responsibility. She takes blame for "a lot of things."

"Most things."

Gail says she's falling on her sword.
Model Boston says she made executional errors today and so did other people.
"That's just how it all worked out."

Say Josie claimed she was gonna start making the sauce The Day Before and didn't!
Just say that!
It's true! That's Your Spot! Take it!

In the Stew Room-
Then, Josie congratulates Sheldon on his Filipino food: "I wish I could have tasted it."
I wanna vomit.

Then- mind you this is an obvious cut because she's sitting on the other side of the room so who knows what transpires but it looks like everyone is being quiet except the person whom I pray never gets a talk show.
Josie: "...and I was just like standing there and I'm getting attacked by them and I was just like..."

Josie: "I'm an easy target, you know what I'm saying..."
so...I mean at the end of the day it's probably going to be me, you guys."
So The Fuck What!
It SHOULD be you!
Whaddaya want? Sheldon's car? JESUS!

Judge's Table-
The dish was overcomplicated (Model Boston, true) but BAM! points out his scallop was raw and fish overcooked (Josie, also true.)

Gail says if you send Model Boston home then it leaves Josie having had no responsibility for executing anything.
Great Point, Gail!
Pads say "No she made the broth which was pretty tasty."
Gail: "But there was none there!"

Colicchio: "Josie should say, 'It needs more sauce.'"
Gail: "Josie did not have the foresight or the insight to do it!"
Pads: "Neither did" Model Boston!! And she was the one who plated that dish."

Judges Fight!

Gail says they've been there before with Josie and she's skating by.
Pads says the flaws had to do with Model Boston- OMG Pads has it in for her? Is it because she's pretty?
Pretty Girls Fight!

When they call them back...
Pads says...
You're safe.


And tells Model Boston to pack her knives and go.


As they walk out- GASP! Josie DOES NOT put her hand on her back!
Yes she does.

Colicchio: "Josie is more surprised than" Model Boston.
Gail says you take on responsibility, you sleep in the bed you make and that's why she went home or some shit that's supposed to make us feel better.

Does it?

How many times has Josie been in the bottom?!
How many times has she been late to the window?!
How many headbands does she own?!
Why did Model Boston pick her?!

Model Boston (To Camera) explains she was the leader of the team and as leader you take on responsibilities good and bad.
Well the bad was Josie, Honey. You could have exposed her and prevented thousands of people from getting dried out proteins and salmonella in the future. Now she's gonna cook at some big restaurant and make something awful and people will be puking their brains out wondering why this hazard wasn't stopped.

Stefan: "What?!"

He tries to sneak in one last rub. Non-foot.
Stefan (whispers): "I love you."
Model Boston smiles and laughs a little.
Stefan: "I do."
She says she loves him.

She's leaving with her integrity intact and without back stabbing.
Let's get the definitions straight: if you tell the truth, out in the open, in front of the person's face, it's not back stabbing!
Back stabbing is BEHIND someone's back!

We know what Restaurant Wars is!
We know the person in charge takes all the shit on! But every chef is responsible for their own dish!
Josie shirked her duties!
She's a LazyBones! Just say that she didn't make the gd broth when she said she would. If you had said that One Sentence.....

Model Boston hugs everyone except the one bucking for Best Supporting Actress In A Reality Show.

Stefan bows to her.

Josie: "I thought I was going home you guys. I don't think I pointed any fingers."
Yeah you just made like three excuses and dropped some alligator tears and outed a sound guy, whatevs, no bigs.

Brooke says Model Boston should have said something and put the blame where it was deserved.
I concur.

Model Boston is gone.

But maybe not for long.

This is-

Homegirl is nauseous just being in there.
When CJ walks in he's shocked. He thought he would be facing her much later. In bed.

Colicchio: "You two are probably two of the best chefs here, so I'm gonna let you set the rules."
CJ and Model Boston and Me: "What!"

The Challenge - 4 categories: protein, cuisine, time and technique.
Um, didn't you just say you'd let them set the rules ColiccLIAR?
A table is brought out with all types of instruments, proteins and timers.
ColiccLIAR: "You'll alternate turns choosing the guidelines from your challenge from each category, once the picks are made you'll both have to make a dish following those rules. Got it?"
No. Not at all.

CJ picks the time: 30 Minutes.
Model Boston picks the protein: snapper.
CJ picks the cooking method: a smoker gun (hoping she hasn't used one before.)
Model Boston picks the style: French.
Oh, I get it.

Time Starts NOW!
She decides to make....the bouillabaisse AGAIN?!
Without being asked?! Ugh!
CJ doesn't do "straight French." (Har.) He decides to make mashed potatoes and smoke the cream (you only have to smoke one element) and then make a ratatouille with fish.

Model Boston starts yelling stuff we've NEVER heard her yell before:
"I don't want to scale this fish!"
"This is hard!"
"Why doesn't my brain work more?!"


Colicchio, now hanging out with the peanut gallery (a first!), says she's never done well in a Quickfire. True dat.

Once Model Boston starts putting the smoker together (for her butter) she admits "I don't even know how this fucking works!"
My God, she's turned into that old Barbie doll with the pre-recorded sayings. "Math is hard!" Remember when Mattel got in trouble for that?! I bet Chauvinist Wolfgang Puck was on the board then.

Most Hated yells out advice (another first!) she has to put the hose on the front. That's prolly the least hated thing he's ever done. Awww!

Model Boston: "It's like lighting a bong."

Colicchio chats with them both- ANNOYING! They're trying to cook!
And with 3 minutes left, Model Boston still can't seem to get her smoker to work properly. Six time LCK winner CJ is psyched, his strategy is working.


CJ's plate includes a giant Logo.

So does Model Boston's. Friggin BRAVO!

Colicchio: "Wow, it's amazing what you can do it 30 minutes."
Yeah not what YOU can do though. I think they need to have a Top Chef Judges Competition.
I really, really wanna see Colicchio cook a pork belly in 30 with nothing but a plastic spoon and an open fire while someone is in his ear asking him what the hell he's doing.

He says both dishes has smokey flavor, so they achieved that.
He thought CJs mushrooms were a little dry. Model Boston's fish was nicely cooked but she added too much saffron.
The winning chef had a cohesive and much more satisfying dish.

And that chef is...

Holy Crap!

Big Ceej shirts are gonna be burned tonight!

So WTF does this do to our standings?!
Here was Save a Chef but it's not final:
Kuniko 85%
Jazz Patch 15%
Which means it's not looking good, Stripes and CC.
But I'ma give you the benefit of the doubt and wait until next week.

Right Model Boston is still in AND CJ is still in because he could end up in from Save a Chef which means Kuniko would be out!

What all of this DOES mean immediately, however, is- since Most Hated is definitely Not coming back...
Kat, I must ask you to pack your knives and go.
Shout out to Grace for the jpeg above and all of you for reading all of this!

Pads was on Watch What Happens Live and Model Boston called in but I can't type no more! I'll update you on that next week along with a sushi challenge that has Lizzie in the lurch.

Until then, Poolers!

STRIPES Jazz Patch
GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
LB Kuniko
TRIPP Sheldon and Kuniko
CC Jazz Patch
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KEITH Model Boston and Jazz Patch
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan and Jazz Patch
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ and Kuniko
ME Brooke and Kuniko

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