Thursday, January 10, 2013

"Leave you feeling clean and healthy?"

First! Some duedilly: CONGRATS to long time Pooler, first time Baby Mama: Lucy!
You made a person with your body! WOOOOT!
I think that means we gotta future Pooler in the house! Nice job.

OH man can I just be honest? I mean I always am but- I HAD to watch the end of last week's ep again just to see Most Hated pack his knives and go AGAIN.
Gawd that was great.
Someone asks Valentine if he misses him and he silently breaks down and says he's going to stop using mustache wax in Most Hated's honor.
COME ON, SON! You KNOW that didn't happen. Yukon Cornelius was like: "I slept in!"
Meanwhile Stefan says he's missing his buddy. I guess they used to smoke cigarettes on the porch together and throw the lit butts down on unsuspecting Seattleans?

Josie points to Model Boston and...I dunno, Brooke? Sheldon? I can't tell- And yells "Asian's represent! Asian's represent!"
Stefan makes a face like she's just represented him with a trash can full of fish heads.

When they get to the kitchen they find Pads dressed like super feminine- OH cause Chauvinist Wolfgang Puck is there.
Hm, I wonder if the Quickfire will involve the women chefs being barefoot.

Pads tells them they're going to be working with ginger. Puck says it's one of his favorite ingredients and his ginger creme brulee is a big hit (that actually sounds really good.) Then Pads chimes in with "for more than a century Canada"- oh Lord, I missed the Product Placement-
I do recall this was a big deal a couple of years ago, Schweppe's (which actually sounds a little bit like an STD) doesn't actually have any ginger in their ginger ale and neither does that Polar soda shit. I mean, Polar is a step above store brand soda. It's like sugar pee.
So Canada Dry started doing this campaign and calling it out on their packaging.
I WILL tell you nothing beats fresh ginger. Having stomach pohbems? Just chew a little ginger slice- it'll clear your sinuses, freshen your breath and settle your stomach- oh and damn near burn a hole in your tongue if you're not careful cause Nature is BADASS.

Okay this seems simple enough-
Pads: "You have fifteen minutes!"
Puck: "Why so long?"

Brooke makes a ginger caramel squid with chili and lime (Sounds Yum!) Lizzie grabs watermelon to make a soup and Model Boston throws ginger and fennel into a seltzer canister and charges it a few times to let the pressure from CO2 create her infused fennel salad with Canada Dry. Dope!
9 Minutes!
Sheldon makes a stir fry. Zzzzz.
Stefan makes a tuna tartare because that's on Puck's menu (clever, Baldy!) and actually speaks a little German when he presents to him. Working it! Puck winks back which is code for 'let's kill a hooker later.'

Dislikes: Sheldon "pedestrian Chinese food, I thought I was going to a cheap Chinese restaurant" OW; Valentine "lacked flavor- what is the opposite of overwhelmed?"
(No he didn't!) Valentine: "Underwhelmed?" Puck: "Yes."

Likes: Brooke "inventive, creative"; Stefan "wonderful tuna, a nice dish" and Lizzie "simple and well balanced."

The winner of immunity is-
Brooke is especially psyched because she went to Spago on her 17th birthday. I'd make a joke about how Puck was there and looked up her skirt but she was still a minor then.

Commercial break! Now we get the latest Save a Chef contenders: Most Hated and Kuniko are up. Doods! That means if they don't find out by the end of the ep- or maybe the second airing? Most Hated is out! You and I know what that means but we won't say it until it's for reals okay Kat?

Pads waxes poetic about the next guest whose restaurants have been awarded TWENTY FIVE James Beard Awards!
(I really hope the award is a gold beard. That would be dope, right? Ugh, how much you wanna bet rapper Rick Ross (whom I actually find fairly disgusting) rocks one on the BET Awards this year?)
Isn't he gross? Sometimes he comes onstage and waits before taking his shirt off like people asked to see his tattooed monstrousness.
OMG I did alllll that describing and Pads is STILL talking about this special guest? Lordy.
Apparently he opened Gramercy Tavern with a young, up & comer, Tom Colicchio. And here is now- a guy with an oblong-shaped head. That head can't even fit in the teevee!

Now let's get to it: RESTAURANT WARS!
But it's a little different this season. Each of the 8 chefs have to come up with a complete restaurant concept and one dish that encapsulates it and present to the attendees and Judges at a big food thing where people mill about eating with one hand cause the other one is holding a thimble full of wine.
Pause Moment: Oblong wears Mom jeans!
25 James Beard awards and not 1 decent pair of jeans?
He spins some yarn about "soul" and food having it so we can feel as if his denim isn't high on his hips and his entire life, including his silly shirt, isn't tucked into them.

Rules: they have to prepare 200 portions so there will be 4 sous chefs to help and 2 winners the next day who will serve as Executive Chefs and build their restaurant visions from the ground up.
Nice way of telling us Restaurant Wars a two-part episode, Bravo.
The two winners will receive 10k from Healthy Choice obviously killing it at a grocer near you since they've dropped most of the coin this season.

Josie admits she didn't make it to Restaurant Wars in her original season. Yeah, I would have recalled you trundling around the kitchen saying "rock and roll" every two minutes. Sheldon is doing a concept based on his Grandfather with whom he used to cook.

Jazz Patch lost 20 pounds on a raw food diet and wants to highlight that- HUH?
You're doing a raw food restaurant? Rando!

Model Boston recalls that the last year and a half has been tough for her, she got out of a relationship, needed to move out, find a new place to live and start over. See, Poolers, everyone has rough times. Even insanely hot people who can cook.

When they return to the Kitchen-
Carla, Kuniko, Chrissy (sans homemade Big Ceej t-shirt) and Dry Eye?!
Ummm, I don't think I'd want any of them as my Sous. Souseriously.

Josie and Jazz Patch share Kuniko. Sheldon grabs his "Filipino sister" Chrissy. When he tells her the name of the soup he's making (which is similar to a place in Hawaii and therefore, unrepeatable and untypeable) she says "Noooo!" It's the good No. Not the bad No.

Stefan (To Camera): "I've had moments when I wanted to strangle Carla but she's super fast and her butt is always cute." I'm sure she'd want to hear that.

Valentine is calling his restaurant Bistro George in honor of his father who passed away unexpected due to cancer a few years ago. He was steak and potatoes guy so he's doing a seared rib eye.

Josie stops Kuniko from breaking down peppers as if Kuniko asked to see her chef etchings:
"Kuniko, so you know what I'm doing, okay..."
Her restaurant is called Home 305 (corn!) and is all Cuban flavors.
Stefan's restaurant is Thai and German and he's doing a bisque.
Brooke is making Jewish food gone awry and calling it Unkosher. Model Boston, French Contemporary. Lizzie is doing a take on Northern Italian food that takes cues from Hungary, Austria and Croatia. Lizzie: "It's worth knowing, it's worth eating." (That's what she said.)

Jazz Patch has Kuniko cut all his seafood. Pretty sneaky, Patch. Valentine says (To Camera) that the raw food concept is watered down. You know who comes by to check and try to make people pee their pants.
But see, I tole you last week- no one pees their pants at the sight of him anymore. Except his children because they're always working and when he shows up they think they're gonna get spanked.

As they wrap the carts Josie says she's not worried and tomorrow is going "rock and roll." Yaaaawn. Stefan hugs Carla happily and says: "You're my..." Carla (cuts him off): "Bitch?"
Stefan: "Noooo."
They hug. Awww!

Next Morning-
Sheldon gets a call from his two daughters- it's his 30th bday- more 'Awww!' The other chefs give him a cake loaded with salmonella.

They prep at Bite of Seattle, Josie's not finished. Of course. And here come the judge! Colicchio; Oblong with more Mom jeans; Gail wearing stripes and a hot as hell Pads sporting a chunky geode belt that's a portal to her privates.

Oblong relates the 1st time he met Colicchio- 25 years ago.
Colicchio: "I had hair then!"
OMG is it me or does Colicchio look like a young Woody Harrelson?
Whew, gotta close my portal.

Valentine is first at bat-
Honestly- can't Chinet work with Top Chef (and the whole gd Food Network) to do a line of signature plates that don't make me us feel like we're eating at a hospital?
Pads says it looks good; Gail says it's tastes good; Oblong says the steak isn't seasoned that well.

Lizzie has a Northern Farmhouse Italian concept and a bunch of stuff that sounds completely made up.
Oblong knows the EXACT place in Italy where Lizzie's dish is from (you wore Mom jeans overseas?!) and says you have to get it right but doesn't say if she did. So she didn't? Colicchio says it's a little heavy. Gail: " looks like a slice of American cheese was put over it." Pretty much.

Sheldon named his restaurant after his grandfather.
Oblong says the flavor "makes you sit up in a good way." Pads says traditionally it's not a pretty dish to look at (cause she goes overseas too and, lemme tell you, she looks a lot hotter than you, Oblong) but he managed to keep it authentic and elegant." Gail: "Which is exactly his concept."

Stefan made two dishes- huh? Interesting name for a restaurant though.
Oh I guess the soup was spicy so he made a "dessert to cool it down"...?
Pads: "Is this the same thing we had at the Finale in Season 5?"
Stefan: "No." He smiles.
The ladies laugh.
Stefan: "Kind of! Different sticks!"
You shoulda named your restaurant BUSTED!!!
They like the coconut milk and broth but it needed more seasoning and Oblong says the lollipop doesn't add up to the soup- it's not as good and that's what he remembers "because it's the last bite."

Jazz Patch has like 3 fishes and meat and vegetables. Wait, four fishes? I dunno.
Gail: "Is this a concept you thought a lot about?"
TRANSLATION: It doesn't seem like you thought a lot about this concept.
Jazz Patch says definitely, "if you're a chef in Beverly Hills you have to please the ladies that want to watch their figure."
Colicchio looks like he agrees with me.
Sounds like Jazz Patch has either been hanging out w/Puck on the Chauvinist tip or is brain dead because he should have just said: 'I lost 20 pounds on a raw diet before I came here and wanted to change the perception of raw and create a restaurant with flavorful dishes that will actually make you crave raw food instead of feeling like you're on a diet or forced into it.'
You're welcome. That'll be $250.
Colicchio: "My big problem is his presentation, three sliced fish layered on, what are you doing, take some risks here." Gail likes the egg yolk vinaigrette and didn't get enough of it but Oblong says "We all have a context for raw fish called 'really good sushi' and if this isn't adding something to the dialogue...who needs it?
Open eyeball PUNCHED!
Someone goes back to Jazz Patch's station for seconds, I guess? And he says: "Leave you feeling clean and healthy?" Honey, it's a food station, not a doctor's office.

When Model Boston is asked where her restaurant style will stand in terms of formality she says: "I like it a little more formal." I guess that's the key to her terribly named restaurant:
Gail thinks the egg is perfect and Oblong likes her poached radishes (I bet he does!) Gail says in a world of rustic cooking it's nice to see that she wants to do formal.
Meanwhile Stefan tastes Model Boston's food and tells her not to talk to other men while she's talking to him. (!!!) Model Boston: "Shut up."

Josie: "I'm gonna have some stuff ready for you okay? It's gonna be good stuff. Good stuff!"
These are people who wanted to be on Camera commenting on food, not waiting for it.
Josie: "Let me get some more going on- Ding!" (she actually said Ding!!!) "Something sounds like it's ready." Then she laughs.
Brooke: "Josie's stand is almost hard to watch."
Josie is hard to watch!
And listen to!
And look at sometimes!
Brooke's food is ready already:
Gail says the matzoh is "offensive to her people." Which people are we speaking of here? Foodie sidekicks? Foodie sidekicks that sometimes drink too much on camera?
I keed- I love Gail. She drools over the brown bread Brooke baked, impressed! Oblong and Colicchio say the same thing: Brooke should have made that matzoh out of that bread. Wicked smaht.

The Judges are at Josie's station. Josie's food is not.
Josie: "This is Home 305. 305, that's Miami annnnnd when you're in Miami, you have to do the roast pork so today you're getting the taste of the soul of Miami, very Cuban. You can't get any closer to my heart right now."
Colicchio: "Hopefully you can get it closer to our plate."
Josie: "Yeeeeah. Um, Home is a concept that can be in any city, all you have to do is change the area code." Interesting. But-
They all think the meat is dried out and flavorless. Yipes. Oblong says if you're gonna have a concept called home, "you better do it better than I can do at home."
Okay, Oblong, I can see why you have those gold James Beard Rick Ross beards.

As the Judge's sit and talk about who should go home. Mentioned: Stefan (they only got Thai, not German), Jazz Patch ("C- across the board), Josie (self explanatory.)
In other news, Josie tells Model Boston she "got a lot of really good feedback." On what? Those headbands?

Pads calls Model Boston, Sheldon and Valentine to the Judge's Table. They were the best!
A lot of smoke is blown up asses but the two winners who get to be Executive Chefs in Restaurant Wars next week and make everyone their bitches are:

Sheldon giggles like a kid- Ha-ppy Birfday! Here's 10k!

Valentine hangs his head like he made bad pork again.

Pads tells them they'll have to face off against each other and open a restaurant in a completely empty space in 48 hours. They can staff their restaurants with people in the Stew Room now but "be aware that one of them is going home."
Oh- and the winner of Restaurant Wars gets a Product Placement car.

When they get back to the Stew Room, Model Boston: "We have to pick our staff right now without knowing who's going home, I'll take Brooke."

Sheldon takes Valentine.

Model Boston says (To Camera) this is where it gets tricky "because you don't know who's going home." She picks Lizzie.

Sheldon: "Stefan."

Love affair OVER!

Then Model Boston takes.........JOSIE?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Sheldon takes Jazz Patch.

Valentine: "Guys against girls, how'd that happen?"

Pads comes in and asks to see Jazz Patch, Josie and Lizzie.
Model Boston says she has a greater chance of losing someone since it's 2 to 1. Sure do. But you should have never picked Josie. You got shook, Kid! Hope the cut comes quick.
Here we go...

Pads asks if Jazz Patch was happy with his dish, he says he was. First Mistake!
Gail says there were so many pieces of fish you couldn't differentiate between them. Jazz Patch says his first instinct was to do beef tenderloin "but store didn't have it" excuse-excuse look at my Jazz Patch and be hyp-totized!
Colicchio would "rather have one fish perfectly sliced in front of us" than what he did.

Lizzie's dumpling wasn't cooked enough. Oblong says it was heavy and gummy. That's pretty much it right there.

Josie says she got a lot of good feedback. OMG this one!
Oblong: "The moment I tried to put my fork in that pork and the pork fought back I said this was going to be a problem."
Colicchio: "The Josie Show- time and time again it seems that, in an effort to put that show on there are some basic things you're just forgetting. Little things like you give us a crispy bean cake but then you put it underneath all this vinegar and stuff and by the time we get it it's mushy."
She drops her head like Valentine usually does.
I wonder if she thinks she's going to get her own show because I'm preeeetty, preeeeetty sure she's not.

OH Save a Chef Stats are in:
Most Hated 43%
Kuniko 57%
I can't believe 43% of people want that Hate back in their lives.

After the numbers, Pads asks...JAZZ PATCH?!?!?!

Jazz Patch is asked to go home?!
So you mofos Like the Josie Show then?
I am stunned.

Unless the Bravo Producers TOLD the Judges who was going to be on which teams and wanted to ramp up the drama, right? I mean, Josie has fucked up more than once. Royally.
Jazz Patch's idea and presentation weren't the best but if you can't get food on the plate then no one is eating so the whole concept of being a chef is moot.
I mean, isn't that how it works or is there some new fad in restaurant dining where you just look at an empty MFing plate?
Josie: "I don't know who I'm gonna fight with now.
Bitch! You're lucky Jazz Patch didn't punch you in the tit for talking shit about his sexuality two eps ago!

I am telling you all RIGHT MFING NOW- if Josie wins this whole thing, it's over.
I am never watching Top Chef again!
I'm am never blobbing about it again!
For reals- I never wanted that boring-ass, Oregonian, K-Mart clothes making chick Gretchen on Project Runway to beat Mondo and win and when she did I stopped watching for like 3 seasons! THREE SEASONS! And I loved PR!

Don't fuck with me, Bravo! This tree right here? You don't want to fuck with.

Jazz Patch: "I didn't leave my daughters so I could lose. My next stop is


Colicchio welcomes Jazz Patch and JP isn't surprised to see CJ. They went to the same culinary school in LA and they both made out with Tawny Kitaen once. She was drunk, not them.

In the spirit of making you redo what you screwed up, Colicchio lifts a cloche: "...we have some beef, lamb, duck, we have some..."
-thing that looks like the meat that would be underneath an ALIEN skull. See how it's shaped? Ugh. Man, it would be awesome if Sigourney Weaver came out and blow torched it. Oh but wait-
Colicchio: "You want it raw? You can't cook any of it."
Shit, no Sigourney!
Colicchio: "I want the best tartare you can make. Time Starts Now!"

Jazz Patch is doing a carpaccio and a tartare on the same place.

CJ uses the duck skin and hits it with nitrogen
which I think we're going to find out isn't safe for our insides someday soon.
Oh there's Most Hated, sitting all the way on the right trying to act like he's not there. Carla chats with him.
Hm, looks like the homemade CJ t-shirt fans have increased. We're now up to three bad Sharpie designs.

CJ puts the nitrogen doused duck skin through a meat grinder which Most Hated says could change the texture. CJ wants to pickle it. Pickled duck fat. He's never done this before.
Jazz Patch says the meat is a little warm so he didn't slice the bison as thin as he could have. When he adds a bunch of raw shallot, Most Hated says he thinks it's too much. Suddenly Vandaele calls out: Go Jazz Patch!
Everyone else begins to applaud. CJ: "You're wearing the wrong shirt, come on."

Colicchio tastes CJs beef heart tartare with chili, pickled duck skin (fat), tomato water with lemon and olive oil. Then Jazz Patch's bison carpaccio and duck tenderloin, pickled carrots, chili, argula and a quail egg on top.

The Verdict!
Colicchio said both dishes were nice. He liked the pickled duck fat but wished he had picked something else to bind it. He tells Jazz Patch he got the all the flavors but at the end was left with raw shallot.
The winning dish-
that lanky mofo- Big Ceej again!
Colicchio says it's the best dish he's made so far. Six wins!
CJ: (looking at the peanut gallery) "Big Ceej??"
Everyone: "YAY"

So Jazz Patch is still in temporarily since he will, undoubtedly, go up against Kuniko in the Save A Chef bullshit (unless Most Hated fans come out of the woodwork.)
Most Hated stays in until we get the go ahead on that and everyone in Massachusetts, apparently, needs to stay in because of the monster flu going round.
It's a Health State of Emergency! Which I guess means some practitioners are open on the weekends? I thought it meant we'd get free tissues and lozenges. Farts!

Restaurant Wars Part Two next week!!!

STRIPES Jazz Patch
GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Most Hated and Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
LB Most Hated and Kuniko
TRIPP Sheldon and Kuniko
CC Jazz Patch
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KAT Most Hated
KEITH Model Boston and Jazz Patch
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan and Jazz Patch
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Most Hated and Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ and Kuniko
ELLIE Most Hated and CJ
ME Brooke and Kuniko


  1. Thanks for the Mama shout out, D! Baby Dean has already watched his first Top Chef episode, so the next generation of poolers is definitely in training.