Thursday, January 31, 2013

"...am I supposed to put this whole thing in my mouth?"

Model Boston is on the cover of The Improper Bostonian, ya'll!
http://www.improper.com/features/kristen-kish/
Which can often be the equivalent of being in the Lower West Hartford Chronicle Weekly Gazette but the photo is nice and it's interesting to learn she can't go one week without eating chicken fingers.

Poolers (and Model Boston's new bff) CC mentioned that he doesn't think she did it. In his opinion she didn't win the whole thing but I'm more inclined to think that anyone on a competitive reality show these days should be recruited for the FBI and go deep undercover cause (win or not) I don't know HOW you can act like nothing happened for this long when you're on the teevee and people are asking questions and you're on the cover of the Lower West Hartford Chronicle Weekly Gazette!
Technically you should get MORE money for keeping a secret! Hmm...there's a reality show idea in there somewhere- don't bite!
NOW THE SHOW!

This ep starts with Brooke breathing a sigh of relief and Valentine saying he was happy for the win and it was time for Josie to go. Brooke says she's often been in the bottom and she--
Hello.

Oh Hi!
Translation: Oh Shit.

Pads says her black and red dress didn't get enough airtime and they'll be saying goodbye to Seattle and packing their bags for a cruise to Alaska.
There are smiles and several "I've never been to Alaskas." Then Killjoy Colicchio adds they're the last five and he's expecting a lot. Thanks for counting and making us feel inadequate, Dad!

Finally what we've all been waiting for...the packing/"I don't think I have a coat warm enough"/"we've been through so much together" montage! Woo Yeah!
So, just like last season of TC, we're leaving the city the show is named after to go somewhere else. Though last year we weren't treated to Stefan saying: "I brought PAYANTS. I bought camping PAYANTS." And telling us he wasn't a bad kid (according to this photo it looks like he was a kid that longed to be in a boy band) but
-his Mom signed him up for it (???) and then he says...he thought they were "going on vacation when they drove to Finland but" his mother drove him to an army base and said 'Pick you up in eight months'!
OH SHEET!
and then eight months turned into a year!!! No wonder he's so angry!!!
Wow.
While there, he began to cook for his military mates and keep cigarette companies in business with his constant puffing.

I'll spare you a description of the chefs walking on board Product Placement Cruise Liner, wind blowing through their hair (or in Stefan and Valentine's cases, scalp and (certainly fungus lined by now) plaid hat, respectively) but I will intro you to Bravo's new reality show:
Cruiseliner Chefs!
(How much you wanna bet Bravo films the chefs while they're on the Top Chef Cruise (you know that's the reason why this whole thing is happening, right?
You've just been manipulated! And served! On the high seas! With the potential to eat your weight in deli meats!)

The 5 drink and hang out while the other guests (oh yeah, they wouldn't get the Whole Ship) look over the railing and try not to inadvertently drop their cell phones in the ocean (I wonder if there's an Apple store on board?) but Sheldon knows some seriousness is right around the corner and here it is.
Eh. Sorta serious.

Turns out they have 2 Hours to do this
for TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE.

Now let's talk about the joys of cruise cooking!
There's no fire in the kitchen. It's electric. Yeah.
And everything is built to withstand an iceberg (pun intended) so it's difficult to open doors because they have various latches and dials and fobs the way every door in Tim Burton's house does which is why guests often pee there pants. Hey, why do you think you haven't heard from Alan Rickman in a while? Because he got stuck in Burton's house after a table reading of DARK SHADOWS! Dude is eating foam movie props and monster make up in A Sleep No More-style closet as I type!

As the 5 run around and look for where things are and how they work let's cut to Stone and Pads, topside, drinking champagne and (the soundtrack would have us believe) listening to some Parisian-esque accordion fare.
Pads: "What would you do with lettuce?"
Stone obliges with like two options which is why he's a hot host and a mediocre cook.
Pads is anxious to see because she thinks the chefs seem pretty "freaked out."
Notice her devilish smile because this is what she does now. Laughs at their pain.

Downstairs, in the belly of the ship with the rest of the rats, Stefan says people underestimate Lizzie (who has just moved his mise en place away from where she's working); Sheldon says you have to treat the ingredients with respect no matter what they are; Brooke worries that her plate doesn't look good but knows her flavors are there and Valentine says something about how his dish is supposed to taste like...a wet salad?!?!?
Barf!

Taste time! Stefan's pastrami and cabbage with roasted potato has an "intense flavor" according to Stone. Sheldon's Vietnamese lettuce wrap with pork and shrimp and pickled iceberg lettuce hearts is met with a guttural: "Mmm, oh, it's bright, it's fresh, oh, I would eat a dozen of those" from a cruise guest that looks like she shops at Chico's.
Lizzie's iceberg salad with crispy bacon and shallots is good. Valentine walks away after delivering his iceberg lettuce rolled with apple cider vinaigrette and bacon fat (again with the bacon?) and Stone says: "He walks like a chef." Pads smiles: "Yes he does."
So all chefs walk like they're wearing doo doo diapers then?

Brooke's bacon, lettuce and scallop wrap with caramelized onion and crunchy quinoa is a little bit more than Pads' bargained for: "Now am I supposed to put this whole thing in my mouth?"
Brooke: "You can make it a two-biter, I suppose.
Which is a good name for a small bites restaurant. Or any two rappers these days cause they're biting like mofos!

Most of the guests eat the one bites with a resounding "we want more" because, as I learned when I took My Mama on a Norwegian Cruise years and years ago, they serve breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner and a midnight snack that is basically breakfast, lunch and dinner combined. Oof!

The winning dish with incredible blahblahblah and brilliant use of blahblah is...

Sheldon: "That warmed me up."
Hey! Wait a minute! Where's your red hat?!? You're on a cruise to Alaska and you don't have your red hat? Sacrilege! Or shall I say, Hatrilege!
Sheldon wins an advantage in the Elimination Challenge and Pads tells them to explore the ship and relax. She's made reservations for them at a restaurant later. I mean, she had her assistant's assistant tell the production assistant to do it.

Free Time!
Sheldon and Lizzie get manicures (!!) and she speaks (To Camera) about how her Dad was an avid fisherman and passed away recently. Awww.
Meanwhile, Stefan: "Yay, finally some liquor!" and Valentine and Brooke drink like the fish that the cruise ship kills in the ocean. Valentine reveals that today is his baby's due date and he hasn't talked to his wife.
Oh- we've seen this before, Valentine. I speak for you wife when I say this- if you don't win, and I mean win the whole thing, you can just stay your bacon eating doo doo diapered ass on that ship.

At dinner that night, Brooke says 'Look at the chandeliers' and Valentine remarks that he said that a little while ago.
Brooke: "Oh, that must have been totally when I wasn't listening to you."
Valentine: "You should keep on not listening to me: Fried Chicken. Worked out good for you didn't it?"
Oh snap!
Stefan: "Whoa! Be nice, guys."
The cat calling then goes from "how many challenges have you won?" to "how many challenges has Stefan won?" to Stefan calling Valentine "pushed pork." Nice!
Before things can escalate further the "food" is brought out. Notice I used quotes. A waiter drops off sushi lollipops, disco shrimp (served in a caviar class that has a flashing neon light--no, I'm serious. There's a flashing light. It's like- huh- no it's like a stupid little light you that put on a bike or give to a trick or treater, pushed in the ice in this miniature fish bowl that the caviar dish sits on with the shrimp on it. The shrimp looks like cat food btw.) And then the main dishes. If you think the ones above sounds absolutely stupid check out how this shit is served:
Waiter: "Enjoy your journey!"

Into a dirty, food splattered, compartmentalized drawer?

In an effort to please his OCD-self (we're learning so much about him today!) Stefan begins to move the food around when all of a sudden-
Coulda called that one!
Lizzie feels an enormous wave of panic that looks like nausea.

A still hatless Sheldon does his best to roll his eyes which is tough for a Hawaiian cause they're so gd relaxed all the time.

Pads: "I hope you like what you tasted here tonight because tomorrow night, you'll be running dinner service."
Uh oh. But wait-It looks like they're making original dishes. (Not the crap that they ate...right? Cause that would suck ogre balls!)
They're told to be creative (okay, I guess they don't have to do what the ship did) and Stefan says surf and turf reminds him of a wedding but he's not worried. Yeah, cause he made something that could have been served at a VFW last week.

As winner of the the QuickFire Sheldon gets first pick of the proteins and once he does, no one else can have them. That means no one gets to plan their menu that night. The chefs all grill him (pun intended AGAIN) but he doesn't give anything up.

Next Morning-
30 Minutes to Pick!
The hat is back!

Sheldon takes...lobster and beef tenderloin? (everyone furrows their brow at his boring choice); Stefan takes eel and pork belly; Lizzie- scallop and pork; Valentine scallop and, of course, bacon. Brooke does frogs legs and mussels to be different. Are frogs legs turf? I guess they leapt on the asphalt but...

2 1/2 hours until service!
Lizzie butchers an entire pig. Stefan braises his pork belly in beer. Sheldon feels like he picked the wrong proteins (great time to figure that out!) Valetine is making scallop pasta but it doesn't have the texture he wants.
Valentine: "I have no idea what I'm doing right now."
11
Minutes
Left
Valentine decides to scramble his scallops like eggs. I don't like how this sounds or looks at all. In fact, I'm gagging a little.
Stefan: "Really...breakfast...bacon again? He only cooks one item."

Here come the Judge!
Colicchio, Stone, the Head Chef and the Cruise Director (I wish her name as Julie!) from Product Placement Cruiselines; the Hotel Director and Unibrow (caterpillar in full effect.)

But no two Judges are as spectacular as these-
ZOWIE!

As is customary with all cruise meals and the hideous restaurant we've come to know on this particular liner, all of the dishes will be served in the ugliest most non-sensical vessels available.
Brooke's is first-

Stone and Colicchio say it's inventive. Unibrow says it marries well as surf and turf and it's a modern view. Someone from the ship says she didn't know they had frog's legs- that's how much gd food you have on board? Ship those legs to downtown LA, yo! Give that food away!

Stefan makes a quick intro of his dish- OMJ could these plates get any cornier?!
Wait a minute!
Make that CRUNCHIER
There's speculation that Colicchio has lost a tooth while eating his pork. Unibrow tries to chew next-
with not a lot of success.
Stone says he loves the crunch and it reminds him of the pork belly his mother used ot make. Where he's from that's how you serve the pork belly. It's called "crackling."
RELEASE IT!
Unibrow and Colicchio don't seem excited about this at all. Pads thinks he took a risk. He did. With your fucking veneers!

Valentine's food arrives in what can only be described as votive candelabra or something the cruise ship dishwashers swear at and break on a reg.
He explains he was going to make a pasta originally but didn't like the way it set up so he made this "scrambled scallop." Colicchio thinks flavor wise it packs a big punch and Stone is surprised and praises inventiveness. Pads didn't get enough surf with her turf. Har! Someone from Product Placement Cruiselines says they like the presentation. Oh don't try to justify your crappy 1980's Daryl Hannah's interior decorate character from WALL STREET's dining ware!

Sheldon is frustrated and says his food is uninspired and his tempura is soggy.
Um. That's a major problem Hawaiian Hat.
That said, he tells the Judges he's going to take them on a journey to Korea and Japan- then he HIJACKS THE SHIP!
Psych!!!
Unibrow doesn't like the idea of tempura as a concept at all so he's miffed to high heaven before he even tastes it. Coliccio says the presentation is great but "it came out of a fryer and it's cold so it must have sat back there for 10 minutes." Everyone proclaims The kimchee, beef and scallions as amazing. But the Product Placement Cruiselines Chef didn't get the "dynamite lobster" and uses his hands like there should have really been an explosion. WTH? Then again he prolly approved the purchase of all those dumb plates and the fact that his waitstaff dresses like the giant wooden soldiers that used to stand in front of FAO Schwarz.

Lizzie tries to pull her cabbage rolls but "the steamer is off"! She's agonized and takes them out with just 4 minutes left to plate! Hurry!
Stone says it looks like dim sum. No one is thrilled about the cabbage falling apart but Colicchio likes the flavors of her dish even though it's chewy. Come on! That was faulty ship equipment! I bet the rats broke that steamer. The Ratatouille rats.

Album cover stare down time!
Judge's Table
They compliment Brooke's dish, she gets a little giddy. Sheldon admits his ingredients didn't speak to him. (Because they're inanimate food products.) Colicchio: "But you chose those ingredients."
Face it, Sheldon!

Stone and Unibrow compliment Valentine but says it's a little strange. Pads says she was excited when she knew Stefan was doing eel but then Colicchio criticizes the sauce, the pork...and knocks on the table to illustrate how hard it was. Stone said he personally loves crispy skin pork but he could hear Colicchio chewing it from the other side of the table "and he was the first one to eat it so it made everyone frightened to pop it in their mouth."
No comment.
Colicchio slams Lizzie's dish. Then Unibrow praises it. Then Stone praise/slams it. WTF!
Finally...a winner is announced:
Hang your head, Valentine!
Brooke gets a 7 night cruise to the Caribbean which is ironic since she has a fear of ships. Pads tells Valentine and Lizzie...

they're safe!

Leaving Stefan to do some weird high five/hand holding gesture that Sheldon is Not interested in because he's in the bottom.
Yipes!
During the commercial- Save the Chef Stats!!

CJ 94%
Josie 6%
LAUGHABLE!

When they come back, Colicchio says he's not sure why Sheldon had a hard time because all season long he gave them great versions of surf and turf. Stefan had good ingredients but they didn't go together and his pork was too hard. Har.

Pads
asks...
Stefan...
to pack his knives and go.

Stefan, suddenly human (not to be confused with the Brooke Shields sitcom Suddenly Susan) thanks them for the second round and then gives hugs and says goodbye to everyone.
Stefan: "...sometimes it's hard to be doing what you're doing and get inspiration and that's what Top Chef does to you."
Deep. Especially if you're devoid of inspiration and, potentially, a soul.
Stefan: "I'm not going home yet, I got one more chance to cook, see you in...
Last
Chance
Kitchen
Stefan: "...muthafuckah."

For this LCK, the peanut gallery is gone and the chefs are cooking...outside?
Colicchio welcomes Stefan and asks if he knows who reining LCK Champ is.
Stefan: "It's probably going to be" Model Boston "but if not it's Bart."
Vandaele Industries?!? That's who you'd pick to have beaten everyone?! You're just a sucker for any European, aren't you?

When Model Boston walks out from behind a tree:
Stefan: "Of course it's wifey I knew it."
Colicchio: "Wifey?! What's this wifey?"
(Poor naive Colicchio, not knowing what's going on behind the scenes and in the stew room of the TC house and not having the chefs fear him or pee on themselves when he shows up anymore.)

Model Boston says they had a fun, flirtatious relationship and thinks it would be "entertaining" to beat Stefan. Really? Stefan says Model Boston is like him 10 years ago, except she's gorgeous. And has hair. And is tan. And is nice. And never raises her voice or flips on people. People who deserve it. Like Josie.
Stefan is "gonna be super sad" but he "can't wait to beat her."

The Challenge
Colicchio reminds Stefan he's been on the bottom of the barrel four times. That's a third of the challenges! (Again, thanks, Dad!) So he gets..."bottom of he barrel as far as meats are concerned."
Here come the offal (which I love to call awful) which Stefan hates.
30 Minutes Start Now!

Model Boston grabs chicken livers since she can develop flavors with them quickly. Stefan takes hearts, tripe, liver and the tongue and is going to make dumplings.
As they cook-
They flirt:
"You look so handsome."
"You look beautiful as well."
MAN I bet if Michael Voltaggio was on the season with Model Boston they woulda screwed like rabbits and then braised one!

TIME!
Colicchio says it was well balanced, the chicken livers were perfectly cooked, crispy on the outside and creamy on the inside. Really nice.

The dumpling was well cooked, really nice offal flavor, great job developing flavors in that short time.
Both really nice dishes but the winner...
Stefan: "Awesome." And he looks like he genuinely means it!
Colicchio asks who gets the house in the divorce, Stefan says he gets the cash.
Model Boston: "Nah ah."
That's three wins in a row!

So, with Save a Chef and Last Chance Kitchen and Two Chefs Out One Back In and Everyone Gathering Around the GD Mulberry Bush, that means, sadly, I must ask LB to pack her knives and go since Kuniko is out for good.

Next week, Lizzie gets emotional about her Dad, Sheldon decides to push it, fresh fish abound and Valentine's wife is fully dilated. EW!

Until then...

TOP CHEF SEATTLE
GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
TRIPP Sheldon
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KEITH Model Boston
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ
ELLIE CJ
ME Brooke

Thursday, January 24, 2013

"Where are the bones?"

Before we get to this week's ep and my revelations and slip shod evidence about what I think really went down (Pads had it IN for Model Boston!) let's get the inevitable out of the way.

First, I don't want to talk about the Patriots. EVAH!

2) I blame Gisele.

C) Ray Lewis is a murderer (shout out to Wes Welker's wife) who oddly believes God has nothing better to do than to help him win a SuperBowl. (Famine? Wars? Sick babies? Kill that noise he's polishing a Lombardi trophy just for you, Ray!)

4) It's colder than a witches' tit out there!
I've never seen or touched the chestal region of a witch and I'd assume, technically, that they'd be really warm blooded (like down with Satan-type warm) but either way it's truly freezing out that mofo. My shoulders are achy from hunching tryna save my ears! Please dress responsibly.

Now On With The Show!

Stefan congratulates Sheldon who is extra smiley over his Restaurant Wars winning new car. Baldo says Model Boston must be pissed.
Brooke admits if she "ever in a million years" thought it would have gone that way she would have said something at Judge's Table.
No you wouldn't, Brooke!
Deep down you, like everyone else, want a better chef to go home so you can get the prize! You think you can beat Josie! But maybe you can't.
Maybe we're all gonna be forced to watch The Josie Show CLOCKWORK ORANGE style with our eyelids held open. Gross.

Stefan says Model Boston didn't stand up for herself...
True.

And he would have thrown Josie under the bus...
Mega true (also prolly fun to watch.)

But Model Boston is "coming back in Last Chance Kitchen."
Don't rely on LCK, Dood. What if YOU get in there and have to go against her?
What then?! OMG you KNOW that's gonna happen! Should we place side bets on how that turns out?

Meanwhile Josie feels "heavy this morning."
No comment.

Cue the violins as she begins a soliloquy about telling "the judges what's going on." This is the only elimination where she "felt some sort of guilt."
Then- "I've kept my head down, I've kept pushing forward," like turtle, in an apron, who cackles, shout out to 305...BLAHBLAHWHATEVS!

At first I thought she was just saying all this to the camera crew, then I realized...
Poor Lizzie.

Poor accent having, non-reacting Lizzie. Time to get a new room. Shit, I'd sleep on the friggin balcony to avoid that dramz.

When they get to the TC Kitchen, Pads is wearing the only reason why I now think I should be able to press a button on my remote control and find out what someone on my teevee is wearing and where to buy it. Lookit that fucking dress!
WANT!
This is a job for Q! Q is the only person I know who, if you tell her a vague description of something you saw on a person on a bicycle, she can find it on the interwebs! It's one of her many talents-right up there with Art Direction, Design, Hatmaking and what?
Oh- that guy?
Yeah he damn near invented sushi or something. Stefan is nervous about him. But THAT DRESS! It almost makes me want to forgive Pads for being so catty this season!

Alright, alright- the Quickfire...
Valentine cracks his neck because he's from Oklahoma and doesn't make sushi a lot.
Translation: Never.

The Master says keep it simple: "don't touch too much, don't mix up too much ingredients. Always think how you can make people who eat happy."

I think Josie could make people happy by deciding to be an accountant.
Pads says the winner gets 5k and then drops the No More Immunity From Here On Out Bomb.

30 Minutes Starts Now!
Valentine makes sushi with tempura bacon and eggs.
Stefan: "That's so fucking dumb."
Thank you. For once we see eye to angry foreign eye! Then he wipes his station down because he has "writer's block."
I think that would be called chef's block. Actually there's no word for that, Just Cook, Dood! Wait- it's sushi, Don't Cook!
Sheldon makes a "lemon charcoal" where he burns half a lemon and blends it up into a powder (holy crap!) and ruins a terribly expensive Vitamix blender forever.

TIME!
Stefan made two offerings.
The Master likes Josie's but thinks it needs punch (in the belly!)
Lizzie made a lobster soup with pickled greens. Beg pardon?
Brooke tells The Master sushi is her favorite food in the entire world. He seems overjoyed.
This is the kinda guy I'd like to have Chris Rock (after I'm friends with him because, you know, I'm going to date Louis C.K. soon) sit next to and just try to make laugh. I'd pay good money for that.
Valentine's bacon omelet is met with: "Bacon kind of oily."
The Master noticed that Sheldon burned the lemon, Sheldon smiles.

Unimpressed: Lizzie's chewy tempura; Valentine's greasy bacon.
Favorites: Brooke's "nice and clean" and Stefan's "good combination."
The winner?
Stefan: "That took me 27 challenges."
Oh just and take your 5k and buy two pairs of awful ripped jeans with it.

As soon as The Master exits, the jillionaire enters.

Colicchio is there too but, as you know, they see him all the time so no liquids are expelled from crotches over this.
Colicchio tells them Chang and few other chefs are in town and they'll be cooking for them.
"Tonight."
He's in the mood for...fried chicken. This is right up Valentine's pork strewn alley.
Now David Chang was in a fried chicken battle with QuestLove a bit ago last year.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/13/david-chang-questlove-fried-chicken_n_1423090.html
So I'm not really sure why TC would wanna bite this- maybe Chang is going to open a chicken restaurant? Or why (according to the Fallon Show clip in the link above) David Chang is now pulling a Steve Jobs and wearing the same clothes all the time but hey, whatever floats your raw chicken leg in oil.

Pads says the winner of the challenge gets a years-worth of Terlato wines. WOOT!
Stefan: "365 bottles. That'll last me about, three months."
That's two things we agree on. Make it three and we might have to go half on a baby (R. Kelly style.)

Valentine brines his chicken from the inside. And for the first time in a long time, I, Vegan, get skeeved out.

Josie talks as if she's on camera on The Rachael Ray Show- Two people I CAN'T STAND in the same room? I just spit up bile.
After a quick prep they get in their Product Placement Cars and go to "Colicchio's House" and chef it up in the kitchen. Valentine is just dropping his brined chicken into the fryers outside when Here Come The Judge!

Including this guy who's one half of Son Of A Gun- what an awesome name for a restaurant!

The Infamous TC Master and Guest Judge who, my theory, was in love with more than Slimer's (Mike Isabella's) chicken-

BAM! and Puck

and the other half of Son Of A Gun-

Brooke suddenly realizes that she DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO FRY HER CHICKEN SKINS THAT SHE WAS GOING TO ADD?! WTF?!
Sheldon's oil is too hot which means the outside will be cooked and the inside raw so he starts over and loses some wings in the process.
Josie finds out one of her fryers isn't frying correctly.
Lizzie thinks she's gonna go home because she's not making traditional chicken.
This seems like a fried disaster all the way round.

Who's up?!
Sheldon's Momofuku-ish (bold move to serve your version of someone's chicken to them in front of a bunch of other judgmental, soon to be drunk Guest Judges who are chefs. And drunk.)
But everyone digs it and Colicchio gives him extra credit for how he thought about it. Puck is mad that he didn't get a wing. David Chang thinks that's messed up. Hey, in my house growin' up it was first come, first served. You were lucky if you reached for a wing and didn't drew back a nub!

Lizzie's-
The Son Of A Guns think it's delicious but Colicchio says she doesn't understand fried chicken because she only used the breast. They all speculate on the unused meat. (Har.)

Hey look! Josie is serving her chicken on a green doormat!
The Son Of A Guns say they'd run Josie right outta town for serving her southern style chicken on a banana leaf. There was no spice at all. Puck: "...it was oily and when you make fried chicken with the skin on it it's going to be greasy and the chicken is going to be flabby."
I protest, Chauvinist. I used to make a mean skin-on fried chicken in a brown paper bag in my day and it was always moist and crunchy. OMG now I kinda want fried chicken.
BAM! holds out Josie's empty plate that shiny with a river of oil: "Want some grease?"
Hm, maybe not.

NEXT!
Stefan made...Filet O Fishes that you'd serve on a cruise ship?
BAM!: "I have the blues right now. I have the chicken cordon bleus." Har. Not bad, BAM! One of the Son Of A Guns says: "Wasn't he on Top Chef already?!"
ON THE SHOW BEFORE BURN!
They're appalled with the obvious minimal effort he put in.

Valentine's dish appears pretty, pretttttty perfect-
Michelle says it's wonderful. Colicchio says it wasn't the "most crispy but it was the most flavorful on the table."

Brooke's plate looks like my dried wheat cereal with tomatoes on top-

Oh but wait- Pads is going to drop a bomb with everyone still standing there: "Brooke, I heard the boys interviewed for you..."

Oh
No.

Apparently the owners of Son Of A Gun (and Animal) applied to work at Brooke's restaurant?! And she doesn't even remember them?!?

Brooke: "What?!? And I didn't hire you?
"I'm sorry."
Wow.
Brooke says To Camera that they're very well known and very well respected and "they're going to be judging me."

Pads say they won't hold it against her.
W
T
F
Pads is MEGAvindictive this season!
I'm not sure what's up (of course she wants to be Queen Bee (make that "B"?)) but these outbursts at other FEMALE chefs?

EXHIBIT A-
Watch What Happens Live (the night Model Boston was eliminated.)
Pads was getting over a cold so her voice was strained but Model Boston called in and Pads said she would rather have eaten HER food than Josie's food but then "...you were the Executive Chef and you knew that! ...You should have said 'I need that sauce by 2pm or 4pm'...You have to be more specific when you have a weak link like that on your team, and I'm not saying she's the weakest link, maybe she is, I don't know but...don't leave anything to chance and you know that!"

Whoa.
Why was she yelling? (With a Sore Throat no less!)
Model Boston was super gracious and said she wouldn't have started yelling at Judge's Table because both she and Josie would have looked bad.
Pads agreed and says what Josie did wasn't anything they "couldn't have figured out."
Sooooo Model Boston didn't have to say anything?
They knew Josie sucked?
Cause if you could figure it out you should have sent Josie home!
Perhaps they wanted to keep Josie on until The Josie Show went on hiatus?
Then Pads threw her a half chewed bone and said she thinks she'll be Fan Favorite- (who gives a shit!) and finally, after Model Boston hangs up
Pads: "So many people have come up to me about her, men, women, they all have a crush on her."
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, that says it all wouldn't you say?
Oh you don't?

EXHIBIT B: (from Reality Nation) "OK, this is where I have to speculate, and while this might be very unfair, that’s never stopped me before. Many who watched this week’s episode had to be startled by just how vehement Padma was on the issue of who needed to go home. Surely she knew Kristen had been one of this season’s stars, and that Josie totally sucks? Or maybe something else was motivating her?"
G'head, read the rest at your leisure:
http://www.realitynation.com/tv-shows/top-chef/villain-of-week-padma-lakshmi/26735/
Uh huh.

Finally, EXHIBIT C: Colicchio gives a LOOOOONG ass explanation that almost appears as if a PR firm wrote it, half-ass apologizing saying if he knew the background (??) he would have asked Model Boston if it were a real restaurant if she would have fired Josie.
Um, I guess he couldn't think of that question with Pads squeezing his nuts in a vice under Judge's Table?
http://www.bravotv.com/top-chef/season-10/blogs/tom-colicchio/restaurant-woes

I say all the evidence points to Pads being jealous,
getting feisty and,
potentially practicing fuckery!
Lizzie better keep her lipstick off and her head down, she could be next!

Meanwhile, back at Colicchio's "house" everyone is SAUCED!

Pads asks for a verdict on Brooke's chicken.
Puck: "Why the fuck don't you have no bones, where are the bones?"
Puck: "What is the show called here? I wouldn't even call it the Apprentice!"
WOWOWOWOW!
Colicchio says Brooke's chicken was "really unfortunate" and one of the Son Of A Guns: "I'm glad I didn't take the job."
Hoo boy.

I'm predicting right now that it's Josie, Brooke and Stefan up for elimination.
And if one of those two let Josie slide...

Judge's Table is left to the next morning so we can get a load of a new outfit-

They ask to Valentine, Sheldon and Lizzie. THERE you have it. Prediction = REALITY!

After pud pulling, the majority of the smoke is blown up the ass of the one who actually smoked their chicken, the winner of 365 bottles of wine...
He feels all validated-y.

When Brooke, Josie and Stefan go to get their nuts clipped-
OMG STEFAN IS WEARING THE JEANS!
Is this a sign...? Hm- we did a get teary bit prior to Judge's Table with Stefan talking to his Mother who has Parkinson's. Perhaps he's going home...???

Colicchio says they made "big mistakes."
Brooke shakes her head and admits she didn't have an idea. Puck said she shouldn't have taken it off the bone.
Chang tells Josie there was a pool of grease under her chicken and it was a "gut bomb and not in a good way."
I'm not sure if there IS a good gut bomb. I think the mere admission that there's a bomb in your gut says things like: butt soup, cramps, and toilet bowl busting diarrheas.

Josie says one of the fryers was down and she ran out of time...
Colicchio: "This seems to be happening a lot now. Running out of time...an hour to fry chicken is plenty of time."
Josie says she wasted time.

Colicchio: "Exactly, you wasted time."
Josie: "Lizzie had a piece of my chicken and it was delicious."
Are you kidding me, Headband?!
Colicchio names everyone who was at the dinner and then says I guess "we don't what we're talking about."
GUT BOMB!

Stefan says he grew up in Europe and they don't have fried chicken. Puck says he grew up in Austria and when they weren't putting down women they were having them make fried chicken and it was delicious. Stefan says chicken cordon bleu was his twist on fried chicken (watch him dance!) they tell him that's not a twist. BAM!: "It wasn't good enough."
After Pads asks them to leave she says: "Such a bullshitter. Such a bullshitter."
WOW! See what I mean about her?!

Pads asks the other Judges who made the worst chicken. Brooke's was too complicated. She over thought it. Colicchio says he'd rather eat Brooke's chicken than Josie's because of the grease. Pads: "It was flavorful."
WHUUUUUT?!
Pads could send Stefan home because of "his outright lying to us, 'I don't know fried chicken' oh really?!"
Before I can have a heart attack the tallies are in on

Save a Chef
CHEF CJ 62%
CHEF KUNIKO 38%

Wow! Looks like Kuniko is on the rocks, but we'll wait until next week to make that official...
After the break. Well, I'm really not sure what to say here except these these posts are going to get briefer and more terse if Josie stays much longer.

Pads: "Josie...."

I'm not saying shit because I was tricked before...

Pads: "Please pack your knives and go."

HURRAY!!!

Josie: "Thank you guys for having me back, it's always a good time here in the Top Chef kitchen."
Yeah it's a good time because you're not really cooking! Oh now- this is happening- Stefan goes in for a hug and she semi-slaps his hand away and then does a weird half high five.

Bizarre. You want to hug everyone you dissed but when they want to hug you it's a no go?

She says To Camera, out of all the challenges to be sent home on this one is "kind of stupid, whatever."
I think you should call yourself stupid because You wrecked it, okay?
Josie: "Alright guys, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in!"
"You get your piece and quiet now."

Valentine thanks God the Josie show is cancelled. He's thrilled to get "rid of her laugh."
Me too, Yukon Cornelius!
Except...what if all of this is a cruel joke because she suddenly has a great day while in
Last
Chance
Kitchen
?????

Colicchio asks Model Boston if she's surprised to see Josie there: "Not really."
Laser Eyes! PEW PEW!!

Since Josie had a problem with consistency and time management, those will be a part of the challenge. They take a Product Placement Car to Pike's market to pick out giant salmons. When they return-

The Challenge!
Break down the salmon and make TEN DISHES for the Peanut Gallery in the kitchen.
Yipe.
30 Minutes Starts NOW!

Model Boston finds the salmon so soft it actually starts to tear when she cuts it. Josie takes the skin off which the Peanut Gallery thinks is a bad move.
Colicchio says watching both of them break down a fish is complicated. The salmon is so soft every time they handle it, it just breaks down. They should have cut it with minimal pressure and movement.
Model Boston has the eye of the tiger when she's cooking, actually saying "Aw yeah!"
but when it comes time to plate, her hands are shaking!

Jazz Patch yells out "Come on Josie!"
WHAT?!

Then Josie finds she has a piece of fish missing- one is on the floor!!!!
LAUGHABLE!
She breaks down another piece and gets it on the plate....in time!

TASTING


Both of are told it's difficult to cook fish when you cut it that way. Fail!
Model Boston's raisins were plumped (she tried to pickle them) but not soft enough. Josie's fish was overcooked, but the fennel pollen was great and "filled the kitchen with a great aroma."
Now we're going on aromas?

The winner?

Model Boston!
"Oh really?!"

Oh Really. Ding Dong Josie's laugh is gone. Whew.

And, with CJ and Kuniko facing each other in Save A Chef; that means it's official: Stripes and CC, sadly, I must ask you to pack your knives and go.

Next Week- oh who the hell cares- Josie's gone! Now shit gets real!
Well, about as real as a half-scripted, half-"real" reality show with a host who now apparently plays favorites and two separate contests beyond the show are going on can get. Enjoy!

TOP CHEF SEATTLE
GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
LB Kuniko
TRIPP Sheldon and Kuniko
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KEITH Model Boston
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ and Kuniko
ELLIE CJ
ME Brooke and Kuniko