Thursday, December 13, 2012

"Somebody told me I had become viral."

Poolers!

First order of business- BIG UPS to CC for blogging last week! Very much obliged! The drinks are in the mail!

Speaking of mail: some of you still owe me cheddar! Specifically: Colucci, LB, Grace, Q, Daisy, CC, Holly and Ellie! Get at me, please. Xmas is coming and the United States Postal Office is already going postal.

I'd like to tell you I'm watching this ep w/a fine Chianti and the liver of some pool boy I banged in Miami (like a meter maid I often eat my young) but I'm all liquored out! Art Basel was dope, as usual, but last year I managed to squeeze in a lot more walking and quite a few work outs (and I don't just mean my right arm as I constantly bring drinks to my mouth.) If you cut me I'd bleed Bloody Marys. Delicious Absolut laden Bloody Marys.

Now let's do this!
In the Stew Room, Brooke says she and Stefan dodged a bullet and she feels like they should be there but she felt bad for CJ leaving.
Was there a secret crush we didn't know about???

Stefan says Valentine should change the name of his restaurant from Divine Swine to Divine Cow. Well dayum, he fucked up so bad he shouldn't serve pork anymore?
Yipe.
I admit I haven't had time to watch the previous ep yet. I just got back, I gotta bedroom fulla summer clothes weeping at having to be put away AND I'm going to GBG's eye doctor tomorrow. Yup, eyeglasses on deck. More on that next blog...

When the chef's enter the TC Kitchen Pads- oddly low key in a GAP outfit, is next too- OH THAT'S why she's dressed so demurely!

It's the little old lady who wrote a review when that Olive Garden opened up in her "fair city."
ADORBS ALERT!
Hm, here's Stefan...already over it:

Marilyn is an internet sensation.
Here she is commenting on the Guy Fieri dust up in the Times:
http://gawker.com/5960909/marilyn-hagerty-is-really-far-too-busy-for-this-pete-wells-and-guy-fieri-nonsense
Marilyn: "Someone told me I had become viral,
I didn't even know what that meant."
Hey, she's lucky it didn't mean she was sick.
I told My Mama once that I had a virus and she yelled, "THE virus?! You have THE VIRUS?!"
Old people...
btw, My Mama HAS this jacket in black.
I'm not kidding.

Shortly after Marilyn was invited to New York "restURANTS" and now "Tony" Bourdain is doing a book with some of her writings
and it's "just been a hoot."
ADORBS ALERT AGAIN-
this time because I'm going to be using the word adorbs a lot!

Pads tells everyone the holidays are upon them which really means she'll be hiring a Tree Decorator and an Ornament Arranger (but NOT Rufus because he used cinnamon and pumpkin hued holiday globes last season and that, as everyone knows, is too Pier One.)
Marilyn says she likes sweet and savory foods including a dish based on her Danish heritage: Aebleskiver (pronounced AB-EL-ski-ver) which is a sort of dumpling/donut and not an instrument you use to plane wooden skis.
Their task:
Thelma and Louise (don't you want to see them in a car, drinking and shooting the tires of an 18-wheeler right now?) then proceed to do an awkward commercial for SPONSOR NAME HERE in which Marilyn actually uses the word "waistline."
A new TC low!

The chef's all pick knives, everyone's has an X. Lizzie's is blank.
Pads: "You can put your knives away because the only knife available is the one Lizzie's holding."
COME ON! Why you gotta gunk up a decent QuickFire Challenge, yo?

30 Minutes Starts Now!
Valentine grabs the knife since Lizzie has run off to get food and starts in on johnnycakes. A knifeless Stefan GRATES onions and (almost) his fingers; Most Hated uses a spatula; Model Boston cuts butter with scissors.

Danyele is adopted and doesn't know her heritage but makes bread pudding with pork since that's what her mother makes the day after Xmas. Jazz Patch is half Black and half Mexican and says being a "Mexigro or a Blaxican" he gets to represent two cultures "no one else can." Just make some good cooking cause you've been lacking BlaxicanFail. He makes a tamale. So does Josie. Dry Eye- hushpuppies. Vandaele Industries- waffles. (Yawn.)

TIME!
Marilyn calls Jazz Patch's plate "unusual." She's never had a tamale before.
Neither has My Mama btw. Pads tells Brooke her apple crostata (pie-like) tastes "very homey" which Brooke doesn't take as a compliment.
Most Hated (also adopted -anyone surprised?) made a bondino not to be confused with the shoe maker- Bandolinos.

Dislikes: Vandaele Industries Belgian waffle and chicken "too many different things going on;" Jazz Patch's "inventive" but "dry taco."
Jazz Patch: "She called my tamale a taco." That's what she said.

Likes: Valentine's johnnycake; Stefan's latkes which he picked up from his ex-ex-wife's Jewish grandmother (he married the same woman twice. You'd think she'd have figured it out the first time) and Brooke's apple pie because it was "taken to another degree."

The winner:
YAY!

Marilyn leaves to drink sherry and in come the stars...
They are huge fans of the show and they're from Western Washington. Who knew?
Anna is pregnant.
Chris: "Did you just say you're pregnant? That's great news!"
Ha ha. He's cute isn't he? Keep him away from the knives.

The Elimination Challenge-
The winner gets a Toyota Prius! Pads throws Josie the keys so they can do an annoying commercial later complete with "Wows" and "So smooth."
But first they have 5 Minutes with the Stars!
The couple is of German and Norwegian descent and Chris tells them to pack as much calories as they can into each plate and they'll love it. Chris is a hunter so he eats what he kills (romantic comedies?)

The chefs hang out and we see a supercute photo of Brooke's son and Valentine says Stefan is one of his top friends in the house setting us up for a potential Judge's Table where they'll both be in the bottom and have a teary goodbye.

Next day in the TC Kitchen (I feel like we never see them go to Whole Foods anymore? Maybe it's too expensive for Them too? It is for me.) everyone gets to work. Dry Eye goes with elk; Danyele with chops that are thin, way too thin; Model Boston, a pasta.

12 MINUTES
Simon makes a rice porridge to combat everyone else's NW dishes. Valentine tries to redeem himself by making pork again. Most Hated goes for a chowder, extra salty.
He says he worked for Rick Moonen, world famous seafood chef, who made the best chowder he ever tasted. Did Rick sweat into it, Dude?

Model Boston and Stefan find time to flirt during the melee.

The next day, they arrive at Chiluly Garden and Glass-

which is beautiful but still not as phallic as some of the glass sculpture I saw at The Standard Hotel during Art Basel.
Either way I'm dying for someone to break something!!!

30 Minutes To Service!
Right off the bat, Danyele's pork chops "taste like shoes." Too thin and overcooked. You blew it before you began!
Guests arrive and touch the glass and Dry Eye slices her meat thin too because it's also chewy. What goes on with the thin, dry meats!?

Now here come the Judge!

Man, Pads is really covering up this ep. It's a nice night, bust out your boobs.
But hold up, Most Hated just saw a ghost!

It's former Top Chef Master and Most Hated employer, Rick Moonen.

Most Hated: "People would think that it's nice to have a judge you used to work for but it's actually the exact opposite. He's gonna have to tell the blunt, dirty truth about this chowder."
Your chowder has dirt in it?
Most Hated (to no one in particular): "That's a dirty trick."
OH Gawd, now you think Bravo is looking into your background and putting people on the show that You specifically have history with?
Sure they are, Megalomanic. Next up: the fry cook who you yelled at for making the crispy polenta too crispy called INS on. What an asscake this guy is!

Tasting Time!
Bart made elk too?
Chris liked the "umami" profile of the dish. Rick thought it could have used a touch of salt but was well done.

Brooke made some shit I've never even fathomed.
With the emphasis on fathom, get it? Cause it's a squid so- awwwww never mind! Chris says it has every flavor. Rick said for a person that could have laid back...and Colicchio cuts him off and says having immunity is the perfect time Not to lay back. I'm thinking you're on reality TV so you can't even lay back when you lay down. You gotta suck your stomach in, make sure you hair looks good, keep your legs closed. Har.

Sheldon made a pretty dish he likes to eat when he goes back home.
Anna loves the the sweet and savory nature of it. She said it was a surprise with every bite and, shockingly, didn't make a dirty joke about it.

Stefan made goulash which I guess I've been spelling wrong my whole life.
Also my goulash was cheap egg noodles with some kinda beef in a brown sauce on top. It never looked like this:
Anna said this dish is what pregnant women crave. Pads calls it rich and delicious. She's pregnant!
On the sidelines Stefan feeds his dish to Model Boston: "It's alright."
Stefan: "I'm gonna divorce you." TWICE!

This is Not what I was expecting Model Boston's pasta dish to look like:
Gail thought the dried apricots and rich triple cream cheese paired well and Rick deems it "the perfect bite."

During set up, Jazz Patch wasn't too jazzed about his celery puree. He re-whipped it like a step child.
"Too much cream." Rick thought the components didn't add up.

Lizzie's dish is greeted with a "Fish. I like fish" from Rick and looks lovely.
But Gail wanted caramelization so it didn't taste like a Filet o Fish. Oh. No.

Dry Eye's elk looks like bloody scabs on mash.
Colicchio: "The meat's not bad but it's pretty bland. These carrots? I don't get it." Gail admits the huckleberry sauce gives it a nice hit of acid. Chris: "You guys took acid too? Cause this Chiluly glass is freaking me out man!"
He's cute. Cuter than Marilyn in My Mama's jacket. Damn, Gingers!

When Pads asks Danyele how she's doing she says: "Ohhhh, you knooow. Nervous as always."
Not a good way to start, kid.
She says where she worked before the chef would introduce her to people. Um, cause she couldn't introduce herself to them? WTH. Have you ever heard "fake it til you make it"?
Or "too much eyeliner will get into your eye cavity and make your eyeball bulge out"?
Okay, I'm lying about that last one but it can't be good to put that stuff that close to your eye all the time when your eyes are pretty and don't even need it.
Shit, I KNOW I'm eating lipstick on a regular cause I wear it so much and that, for all my vegan and healthy endeavors, I will prolly die from mercury poisoning.
Why can't I quit you, Mac lipstick?!
Gail says Danyele's meat is bland and cooked unevenly. Then they Cut To other guests saying it's boring. Chris seems to like it but at this point it's obvious he's never met an animal he hasn't slayed and eaten while still twitching.

Valentine's plate looks good- I LOVE FENNEL!
Colicchio and Gail say it's not seasoned.
Chris: "It might not be great, but there's a lot of it!"
See what I mean? Then he relays a story of how he and his brother ate a raw squirrel heart that was actually still beating. Forget everything I said about him being cute.

Josie is still wearing those gd "Chef Josie" headbands that she had made at the mall.
Okay, that actually makes me want to eat meat. Except...they all agree it looks better than it tastes.
Shot in the face!

Now this is happening:
Rick says it's good to see him and he and Most Hated go way back but he has to be impartial "here tonight, it's all about the food."
Most Hated: "I know exactly what you mean. Ironically, a wise old man taught me the base of this chowder. He's standing right before us."

You really wanna play it like that, huh, Hated?
Rick says it's "money" and a "hug from the ocean."
So it's wet, salty money then? Eh, as long as a store will take it.
Chris' Mother says she's a great chowder maker but she's gonna quit after eating Most Hated's.

Assessments:
Jazz Patch's dish didn't have focus; Dry Eye's elk was grainy; Josie's dish needed brightness. Anna says Valentine's pork needed to be seasoned. Danyele was "very uncomfortable and it translated into her food." Ugh.

In the Stew Room
Oh! Pads was covered up on top but on the bottom- Hello!
She asks to see Most Hated, Brooke, Model Boston and Sheldon.
They served the best dishes.
Most Hated tears up as Rick tells him how great his chowder was; Pads tells Sheldon his soul was in the dish; but the winner showed creativity and balance of flavors and that was...
Brooke gets a car! Brooke gets a car!

She calls in Dry Eye, Valentine, Danyele and Jazz Patch.
Guess who's the least defensive?
Body language, Doods.

Colicchio: "the dishes weren't bad dishes but there were mistakes." Jazz Patch says he kept straining the celery TRANSLATION: I had the feeling it was gonna be ass. Colicchio says if he went back and did the dish again he would have figured out quickly how he could fix it.
Come on, Colicchio, you can't use the Time Machine Scenario. I'd be in bed with Clooney right now if I could go back.

Pads: "Josh. You keep saying you're known for pork, Man."
Valentine: (smiles) "I dunno, I think I'm gonna stop cooking it."
Pads: "No, just stop saying it."
KAPOW!

Pads says the ratio of pork to everything else on the dish was out of whack. Valentine says he only seasoned it with salt and pepper (ugh, can I tell you how much cumin and cayenne I go through on a reg? I'm snorting it off my laptop as I type!)

Dry Eye says she chose to slice the elk thin because thick would have been too chewy but doesn't say a word about her carrots which Tom, appropriately, calls "dry."
Dry Eye: "I want to thank you for your feedback, it's been a wonderfully humbling experience."
Good Reality Show Contestant behavior. Perhaps you'll walk out of here unscathed.

Danyele says she was afraid of overcooking the meat and Gail says fear is holding her back. Danyele says she's stressed and starts using her hands and talking like Claire Danes on Homeland and Colicchio tells her to do her own thing. Jazz Patch says To Camera there's no way he's "going home today" but I don't think he genuflected enough.

During the bump we learn that this whole Save A Chef thing is really happening-
and that someone has a new stylist:
So it's the Kuniko's against the JJs, huh?

After the jump, Pads asks...

Dry Eye

Really?!?

To pack her knives and go.

She's fighting a cold so she doesn't shake their hands but she does go up to each judge and gives a head nod. They each nod back which is cool.
Hm, Dry Eye doesn't seem to mind about giving Danyele a cold though.

She says she was happy to challenge herself. Weirdly no one claps for her. WTH?
But perhaps she'll clap for herself later cause it's time for-

LAST
CHANCE
KITCHEN!

Dry Eye is surprised to find herself in the kitchen
and up against CJ and Tyler who will Not be tag teaming it this go round. Kunkio, JJ, Carla and Chrissy haul out carrots and pickles- the ingredients that vexed them! There are even crumpets...wait a minute- CJ and Tyler put a burger on a crumpet last ep?!?!? Even I know that's a soggy ass disaster waiting to happen!

CJ runs around like a headless undercooked chicken, at least one member of the peanut gallery can't watch.

When they plate...
Tyler calls his own deconstructed ceviche "probably a little too simple." Dude- what is up with people sabotaging themselves? Colicchio says simple is good but in the end thought the shrimp were under seasoned, everything else was fine.

Dry Eye: "Just tell me I nailed the carrots." Colicchio tells her the carrots were perfectly cooked, really smooth, scallops were perfectly cooked, but he wasn't sure why she used white wine.


CJ's sauce was raw cukes and celery and the pickles were used as a seasoning because they were salty. Colicchio asked if he made the sauce before, he admitted he made a version of it. After the tasting Colicchio says the trout was cooked a little too long. U oh.

The winner is the chef who took "the simplest ingredients and cooked them in most creative way. And that's..."
CJ's tall ass!!

Tyler: "Take the L out of LOVER, cause it's OVER."
It's also corny. Lordy, that's your parting thought, Non-existent Tyler?

Dry Eye says she felt as if she redeemed herself in her own dry eyes because she made a pretty plate and nailed the carrot. Well, that's better than something like: "Take the ee's outta pee." Which is still urine.

So seeing that Kuniko is in the running for being Saved and CJ is the current two-time winner of Last Chance Kitchen, I've left both of them on the list for now. Lordy, Bravo, don't create a Throw In One More Category, I can't take it! Long story short: we're all still in the game!

Next week, explosion times! And I'm not even talking about the fact that next week is the week before Xmas- say whuuuut!?!
Until then...

TOP CHEF SEATTLE
STRIPES Jazz Patch
GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Most Hated and Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
LB Most Hated and Kuniko
TRIPP Sheldon and Kuniko
CC Vandaele Industries and Jazz Patch
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KAT Most Hated
KEITH Model Boston and Jazz Patch
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan and Jazz Patch
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Most Hated and Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ and Kuniko
ELLIE Most Hated and CJ
ME Brooke and Kuniko










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