Thursday, December 27, 2012

"Her buttocks two parma hams fighting for control."

Merry Day After Day After Xmas, Poolahs!
I hope you had a swell holiday!

I gave some small trinkets but mostly the gift of food to my Fam when I arrived on the 23rd. I made a butternut squash soup and a split pea soup; red potato and red onion home fries with cumin for breakfast and sauteed tomato, onion & spinach on cous cous for dinner that one of my nieces who indulges in Dominoes once a week, loved.
I was gonna make vegan pumpkin whoopie pies but decide to bring Flour Bakery for dessert. It was awesome to watch everyone's eyes roll back into their heads as they ate. Apparently that triple chocolate mousse tart is CRACK!
Delicious, delicious crack.
I'm mainlining a vegan double chocolate cupcake as I type. Excuse me as I drool!

This ep begins in the TC House with Stefan saying "he's over" Josie after the tete-a-tete in the Stew Room last week which was really his doing. "When Josie's in distress and gets miserable, she talks." She must be miserable every day then.

Meanwhile Model Boston makes her single bed, hides Stefan's tidy whiteys (I keed) and says that she likes her chances. Lizzie finds a note in the kitchen (which always sort of creeps me out. I know there are cameras around all the time- but what if they turn around and there's a dog in the house with a note that says- Take care of this? And what if "take care" means: bake?) This note tells them of a morning Quick Fire. The chefs have to "harvest" the ingredients and prepare them for BAM! and Pads.
They get in Product Placement cars and drive to Taylor's Shellfish Farm where Allergen/Restriction Alert-
Jazz Patch grew up kosher because his father was a pastor. Really? He didn't taste the gift of the salty sea until he was in culinary school. My brother's wife introed me to clams and oysters. We used to get dressed up and go to the raw bar at Legal's all the time. Truly, I just liked the horseradish and cocktail sauce. I'm a condiment girl. I used to lick my hand and shake it salt into it all the time. Currently own five different types of salt. Whoops- six!

They all start picking and shucking and Josie gets stuck in the mud and asks for help.
Ironically Stefan rushes to her aid along with Jazz Patch who reveals Josie "definitely has her lovable moments" (are these on the cutting room floor?) then adds: "she definitely has her moments where you want to tell her to shut the fuck up." (These we're painfully aware of.) Then he promptly falls into the mud while trying to help her up and walks off with a crack full of sea water as Josie laughs.

Most Hated (pictured below as a 5 year old hater)
"lived shellfish" because his father was a banker but also a "bay man" which meant he lived on the bay. Which, honestly, means he wasn't really a banker.

Back in the TC Kitchen, BAM! is already sweating a little in the upper lip area in anticipation of the QuickFire-
10 chefs, 5 hot dish aprons, 5 cold dish aprons, 25 minutes, the winner gets 5k.

Sheldon wants a hot prep (red apron) but gets a cold apron so he makes an Old Bay Seasoning broth with ginger and scallions. Most Hated makes a light foam of Parmesan and garlic. Stefan smokes an oyster (har.) Josie makes a chorizo and cilantro cream and breaks her sauce. Lizzie is making oysters and crushed current juice with a little crushed peppercorn. Jazz Patch did it lightly fried with lemon and hot sauce.

BAM! holds himself and his T-Rex hands back from attacking every shell without listening to any AD yell "Cut," let alone the chef's descriptions. BAM! hongry!

Dislikes: Vandaele Industries' champagne, butter and cream that "lost the oyster;" Josie's broke (down palace) sauce and Most Hated's foam which had foam but apparently, "no pop."

Faves: Lizzie's "really delicious"; Jazz Patch and Brooke's salsa verde.

The winner-
Jazz Patch!
BackStory Alert!
He's a SINGLE FATHER with 2 daughters. Interesting. Ready made family. Just add water (and me!)

Pads' says they're going to "roll right into" The Elimination Challenge where they must cook for one of the "hottest sports teams in Seattle."
Let's see, the Seahawks are playing so that's not happening. The Supersonics are gone which I kinda still can't believe. Did I ever tell you I met Shawn Kemp? He wore black socks and slippers to the shoot- GA-HETTO! Were the Mariners disbanded too? Maybe I just feel like they have because I find their name too close to the Marlins to even consid- OH WAIT she meant these guys-
Lizzie didn't know that people still roller skated because she has an accent.
She prays to JC that they don't have to cook on roller skates -that's So Bravo! That's also So Raven!

Josie is super psyched because she used to be...A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER?!?
OHHHHH THAT explains all of her awful canned one-liners. She's Rob Gronkowski in a headband! Except Gronk is amazing and hot so it's completely tolerable and actually kind of endearing.
Josie, excitedly to the chefs: "Hey, rock and roll, guys."

They're tasked to prepare the food for the Rat City Rollers wrap party after their final bout. Pads tells them to break into teams of two. Guess who slides over to whom?

Most Hated picks Brooke who is used to dealing with him; Jazz Patch ends up with Lizzie; Valentine with Sheldon. Vandaele Industries says no one wants to go with Josie but he's a team player so he picks her.
Um, that's not called being a team player. She was the only one left. Pads announces-
And each roller derbist, thrilled to be on national cable television, gives their little spiel: "I'm Teriyaki Terror, cause I tear girls apart."
YAWWWN. Suddenly cooking on roller skates sounds great.

2.5 hours to cook at the skating rink for 100 people. But tonight, they get to watch a derby match and show us what they wear when they're not in the kitchen. Highlights include Josie's vinyl Member's Only jacket and this-

During the match, Josie is being, in Valentine's words "even more obnoxious" than usual. A few chefs have a Red Hook beer but Josie seems to consume a bit more.
She throws air punches, screams "Let's blow it up!" and then "Let's go Teriyakiiiii!" even though the Teriyaki Terror is on the gd bench.

Vandaele Industries says "Wooo!" in a show of solidarity but he's not even sitting next to her so it just comes off as silly.
Other reactions:

Josie says (To Camera) she feels like she's at the derby with her parents which leads me to believe she's reacted this way at sporting events before and received the same stink eye that Stefan threw and is STILL acting like she's the jammer for the team and not a chef in the skybox (which means no one on the floor can hear her yelling anyway.) Pissed that no one else is as overly enthusiastic, she leaves her seat (to go to the bar most likely) and knocks over someone's cup as she calls out "Boooring!"

Valentine (picks up the cup): "Look, this is what non-boring does. Have another drink."

At the TC House Josie says she's tired and collapses on the couch. Most Hated gives her a blankie. She thanks him.

On the porch Stefan, Valentine, Jazz Patch, Lizzie (and I think Brook) sit but the boys are the only ones talking. Valentine describes Josie's obnoxiousness.
Jazz Patch: "It's not even important what she said tonight. Nothing that came out of that mouth was important." Uh oh. She's up.
Josie: "Listen, if you guys wanna talk some shit, okay, if we have some, like, panties in a bunch because I said 'Aww, you guys are so boring' is everybody so sensitive about that?!"
Jazz Patch: "Josie, there's no reason to call anybody names here, nobody called you a name, period."
Josie: "'Boring' is not a name. If I wanted to call you an asshole, that's a name...."
Josie: "If I wanted to call you a douchebag, that's a name. And I'm just saying-
"...this tree right here? You don't wanna bark up, Micah. Okay?! Because this right here knows who she is."
You are hiding in a closet."
In conclusion- this tree plays to win!
And- this tree's colors don't run!
Also- and trees never quit!
I keed. What she actually says as she walks away: "Fuck you!"

I'm with Valentine when he asks: "What just happened?"
Jazz Patch responds with "apparently I'm a gay man hiding in a closet everyone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."
[Appropriate plug: R. Kelly's long form music video: Trapped In A Closet on IFC, ya'll!]
Vandaele Industries sits with Josie and, I'm not making this up: "What goes around comes around."
What the hell went around?! Just tell her to chill out and start plotting what you're gonna make NOW before she outs you!
Josie: "Namaste, bitches. Namaste."
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to use the word bitch with Namaste.

True or not, that shopping mall embroidery terry cloth head band wearing "chef" should not go around outing people.
Also- if I can just play this out for a moment, one might guess that Josie is, mostly likely, gay (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That) and- if so- Jazz Patch ain't barking up that tree.
And if Jazz Patch happens to be gay he's DEFINITELY not barking up that tree.
Not even to be the gay friend because Josie's clothes aren't nearly as cute enough and she's not going to listen to anyone tell her to get her hair cut in layers. Not even Rupert Everett!

Next Day
The teams arrive and begin to prep in a place you'd never want to eat because it's dark and smells like feety toes.

Lizzie & Jazz Patch work on a stuffed jalapeno and he ignores what happened the night prior but I secretly want him to pull Josie aside and punch her in her nuts.

In Teriyaki Testosterone Village, Josie continues to talk loud. Vandaele Industries tells her to not focus on anything. (I think he meant to say focus on cooking?)
He's secretly afraid to be over spicy and she's "Puerto Rican and Filipino" and annoying and wants to go "aggressive with spice."
Spice bomb explodes in T-Minus 60.

Most Hated has a moment (To Camera) when she says he looks at Brooke as his daughter. He went through a nasty divorce and his wife took his daughter away at a year and a half. Ouch. It means a lot to him that Brooke is "taking the time to understand him." Which, apparently, is what he thinks everyone is trying to do once they're forced to cook with him.

Here come the Judge!
Pads says she used to roller skate once a week. Unibrow says her derby name would be Padma Smacks Me. Get it? Cause her last name is Lakshmi? Get it?!
You can tell that Unibrow worked all night on that vs. getting rid of the friggin hair in between his eyes.

First up-

Unibrow likes the acid and the slaw. There's lobster in the rice- nice! The derby girl the dish is for likes the spice and is thrilled to get to eat with them at their table and tries not to pee her shorts and roller skate in it.

Team Testosterone made a plate that looks tricky to navigate-
Um, is that cup of pure beet juice? The derby girl it's named after says it's "unique." Unibrow: "Unique -good or unique -crappy?"
She says it's earthy.
Unibrow: "That's unique crappy." The rice is overcooked, there's no color on the meat, it's under seasoned. In the words of Gronkowksi: "When we don’t turn the ball over, we’re pretty good. When we turn it over, we’re not very good."

Unibrow says Jazz Patch & Lizzie's dish is better than he thought and Colicchio says it's actually quite good. The derby girl likes that they took a "party food favorite and elevated it."

Stefan & Model Boston made a purdy plate-
BAM! thinks the plum pudding and liver are delicious but Colicchio says it's a missed opp, "...if they had just roasted and shredded some chicken and added it to the dish it would have been a good thing." Honestly, who are you kidding Colicchio? I bet you woulda said all that was too on the nose. I wanna bust him eating at a KFC. You KNOW he does!

Valentine suggests they run the skewer through all the sauces on he and Sheldon's plate.
Everyone thinks its a great idea but the tempura isn't crispy enough and "failed." After the limp tempura talk the roller derby girl says "it's delicious." Pads (laughs): "Thank you for joining us."
Translation: You're cute but know nothing and you're a guest here. Put the plastic fork down and back away before I take off this plain top and green pants and put on Prada and bury you by simply unbuttoning a very expensive button.

After the break this happens:
Stefan: "Padma looks even better than she used to." He admits he purchased season nine so he could cut together all the snippets. He wasn't even on season nine!!!
I don't want to think about what he did while watching said snippets.

Judge's Table
Pads asks to see Most Hated & Brooke and Jazz Patch & Lizzie. They had the biggest hits at the party. People raved but the winners are-
Most Hated (To Camera): "I finally won. The third time's the charm. But it would have been sweeter if I won it alone."
Annnnd that's why your wife left you.

Most Hated enters the Stew Room: "The third time's the charm. Brooke and I." He waits for applause that comes, albeit sparingly and prolly with some eye rolling we can't see. They ask to see Sheldon & Valentine and Jose & Vandaele Industries.

Colicchio says Team Testosterone's dish was all over the place. Josie says Vandaele's rice wasn't seasoned but the beet was and she thought it would seep in. Colicchio attacks the philosophy of adding a non-seasoned something to a seasoned something. Josie admits she didn't taste the dish after Vandaele re-seasoned.
Unibrow: "It was a beet on top of a really boring porridge." In your face, Footballer!

Sheldon says he wanted to take a risk. Valentine says they're there because the plate the Judges' got well- "it had to be the tempura." He then admits he didn't count the proteins out and the Judge's received soggy ones. Ummm, whut?
Excuse: "There's a lot of pressure when you guys are right there that we need to hurry up and get that food out."

THEN Valentine says he doesn't want to be CJ (remember when CJ asked about Someone Else's Dish when he was at the Judge's Table? Someone who wasn't up for elimination?) but becomes CJ anyway by asking about Jazz Patch & Lizzie's crab stuffed jalapeƱo- "they told us not to serve concession food."
Colicchio breaks it down and Pads adds- "like your dish, there were lots of risky parts but none of those things went wrong. In your case, it did."
I'm kinda over seeing this Yukon Cornelius look-alike drop his head whenever Pads slams him, aren't you?
Fingers are crossed that Josie goes home even though Sheldon was responsible for the actual weak frying and Vandaele Industries was responsible for the lack of seasoning and the rice...say it! Say Josie!



Farts it's Bart!

He says after having a restaurant for "seven years and counting" people don't say "about my lack of seasoning. And I'm meaning it."
Um, there's salt and pepper on the tables though, right? Have you ever filled those shakers?

Vandaele Industries: "Josie talks to the judges and she puts on the Josie Show and that's fine with it. After listening to this for hours and hours..." He makes a mouth with his hand "La la la la la la. I don't need it."

He admits that maybe he didn't bring his A game. But It's possible he'll get to come back and pronounce more things improperly soon because this is...


Colicchio says something about balance in cooking and then- you got it, in rolls Teriyaki Terror from the Rat City Rollers.
CJ is intrigued beyond belief.
He didn't expect a woman with a platter and an ass like that.
CJ: "Her buttocks were amazing..."
"It was like two parma hams fighting for control."
Okay- #1- Big Ceej needs some pork for reals. As in "to get porked." (I guess Chrissy made that "Big Ceej" shirt for nothing cause I pretty sure that ham is on the menu if you want, CJ.)
#2- In what world are two hams fighting for control and how are these stumps underneath a pair of black shorts a turn on?
Please tell me what I'm missing here.

The Challenge- take something bland and boring and make it full of flavor.
Chicken! GO!
Vandaele Industries says he has to "make sure to use salt." Colicchio laughs.

Vandaele plates while CJ still has chicken in the oven.

He sweats up a storm but his marinated chicken breast with mushroom reduction, greek yogurt, bonito flake & roasted lettuces makes it to the plate. When asked, he admits to Colicchio that he's nervous.

Colicchio tries Vandaele Industries' roasted chicken, carrots, greek yogurt and tea infused sauce with speculoos (spiced shortbread) cookie. Colicchio: "There's a lot goin on." Yeah who asked for a cookie?

Colicchio says he thought CJs tarragon was going to overpower the dish but it didn't. He thought Vandaele Industries' plate had a lot going on but it all worked.
They both nailed it.

But one made a dish that actually would have tasted better with venison rather than chicken.

The winner is...
That tall ass mofo has prevailed again!

So now CC and Stripes are down to one pick. Everyone else (including those who picked Kuniko for now since she's still in the running to come back in that OTHER thing Bravo devised to screw with us) is still in it to win it too!

Next week-
it's a New YEAR! WAHOO! Have a swell time ringing it in, ya'll!
Don't drink and drive; eat bread to sop up the booze in between shots; and, whatever you do, don't bark up any trees!

Happy 2013!

STRIPES Jazz Patch
GBG Brooke and Sheldon
JET Model Boston and Sheldon
MO Most Hated and Sheldon
LUCY Valentine and Brooke
LB Most Hated and Kuniko
TRIPP Sheldon and Kuniko
CC Jazz Patch
Q Lizzie and Sheldon
KAT Most Hated
KEITH Model Boston and Jazz Patch
JENNA Valentine and Brooke
MARI Stefan and Jazz Patch
KAREN E. LOGUE Lizzie and Sheldon
MERIDEN Lizzie and Brooke
GRACE Most Hated and Sheldon
COLUCCI Sheldon and Josie
DAISY Model Boston
HOLLY CJ and Kuniko
ELLIE Most Hated and CJ
ME Brooke and Kuniko

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