Thursday, March 8, 2012

"The shrimp was just that fart in the air..."

Well, this is my last entry, Poolers, so I’m taking the opp to make sure you’re up on the latest food news before I set this reunion ep off. First, an interview with the TCTX winner (and my bf) Street Food! Adorable.
Next some additional bloopers that confirm what we already knew, the Judge’s are wasted!
Finally, your secret suspicions confirmed. Paula Deen is a RACIST diabetic!

I must admit it’s a little sad that this is my last post, but I’m bolstered by the fact that the checks have been sent to the winners, the right chef won and tonight, fingers crossed, the Mean Girl Triangle of Hate will feel remorse!
Or at least be tomato targets for us in the future. OH know what would be hilarious? To find out where each of them live and set up a tomato stand at the corner so angry viewers can have a place to buy tomatoes! I’d make a Mean Girls app that does that except I don’t want to somehow end up owning Heather B. money that she’ll use to smuggle illegals into the country to cook and eat.

This TCTX reunion is hosted by Andy Cohen, yay! We all know Andy to be a powerhouse, especially with his Live, half hour nightly talk show on Bravo. He Commands All! The Judges are here, Pads in a navy blue dress, Colicchio and BAM in their usual suit jacket and button down shirt garb, Gail- Gail?

You look like you’re interviewing for receptionist at Good Morning America. Take that silly jacket off and sex it up! And Unibrow whom Andy introduces as “Hughnibrow” because Andy is a manscaped millionaire and seeing the hairy bridge between Uni’s two giant eyebrows makes ones Prosecco repeat on one’s self.
According to Baby Face Bev’s Cindy Lou Who sweater, I’m guessing this was shot the same night as the Finale or at least the very next day? Or Bev packed one sweater. Entirely plausible.

Andy intros Street Food’s journey and we get to see how cute he is as his hair grows in- Awwww!

There’s a great montage of “The winner is Paul...” and Street Food is nervous and modest as he watches himself. Andy asks what it felt like to have his parents there. Street Food says when his parent’s said how proud they were of him, it felt great and he had been waiting to hear words like that for a “very, very long time.”
Awwwww! (There’s gonna be a lotta Awwws, enjoy!)
He tells us how much he won: $185,000 and a trip to Costa Rica and a Prius and ME! Hooray!

Colicchio admits it was “as difficult a decision as they ever made between he and Sarah.” (But I’m preeetty sure he said something similar last season. And the season prior. No one’s ever gonna say-you suck, we never should have had you! Go back to O’Donnelly’s Tavern where it’s acceptable to keep your hands in your pits before you shove them into the potato salad.) Colicchio says Sarah went out of her comfort zone and pulled it off but Street Food made a near flawless meal. You damn skippy he did!
Andy: “Sarah, you seemed visibly shaken at the end when Paul was named Top Chef.”
Oh boy, now we gotta look at this:

And hear her cry and gasp.
And see Pads kiss her on the cheek and rub her back.
Sarah Smile: “It was just shock, you want it so bad and you put your heart into that food.” (Your evil, fatty filled heart.) She starts to tear up on the spot as if the winnings and accolades can be taken away from Street Food and given to her, and apologizes and says: “This is my life so...”
Ugh. Even Accessory Chef Richie is over it-

And he wasn’t even there the whole time!

Andy asks if she felt like she was robbed and she answers “No.”
Andy: “Talk to me about that night because I actually heard from someone in production that you told a Judge to fuck off.”

Sarah Smile: “I don’t believe that.”

Um, you don’t believe it?! Either you said it or you did not!

Looks like Colicchio thinks you said it.
Andy: “You were there.”
Sarah Smile: “I did not say that.”
Andy: “Okay, alright.”
Sarah not Smiling: “I was really emotional and really sad but if I said that I didn’t mean to say that AT ALL...”

“And I think it’s really shitty that it’s being brought up now.”

Um, Sarah, this is Reality TV- what did you think was going to be brought up on a reality TV reunion show? How you saved that bird in the tree in Austin before you realized it was quail and de-feathered and roasted it?! Reality TV requires dramz. Reality TV Reunion- even more so. Do not go on reality TV thinking you will not give us this!
Sarah Smile: “What do you want me to say?”
Well, you just Said it. You basically said that you said it and now you’re crying about it because you say things that are rude and wrong and cry and mention how you never had a Scooby Doo lunchbox like we’re supposed to give a fuck.
Sarah Smile: “Emeril is like, he’s the chef that I grew up looking up to-”
“...and I felt like, through this whole competition he was really, really...pushing me. I love him, I mean...”
Okay so BAM went to the mat for you and you told him to Fuck off?!
BAM: “I love your food.”

Sarah Smile: “Thank you Emeril.”

Ew. He goes on to say from the beginning to the end Sarah’s cooking was a complete evolution. Andy says it’s nice to hear from your culinary idols and Sarah answers “Absolutely” but the truth is out: Sarah Smile told BAM to fuck off after Street Food was announced the winner and BAM wants to fill Sarah’s donut.

The first viewer question is about the number of the contestants. Boring! Second question- ‘I love Bev but is she emotionally stable? She cries so much is it a medical condition?’
Well damn.
Bev laughs and says she was the cry baby of the season and that’s okay.

She felt like “her emotions were on the plate.” Here comes a crying montage that includes waterworks from Baby Face, Lindsay (who says she would never cry and then does) Accessory Chef Richie: “It’s me! It’s me!” as he leaps into Accessory Chef Chris’ arms (classic), Dakota (when she and Nyesha had to go home for her mistake, Grrr) then Sarah Smile: “Dakota’s been crying like almost all evening, that’s ridiculous” and (finally) Sarah crying and commenting: “Goddamn, I usually cry after great sex, this is one of those moments.”

Um, I definitely have missed that comment when the ep aired originally...
A viewer asks why she does that (cry after sex), Andy (reading): “I don’t get it.”
Sarah Smiles: “I don’t either.”
Everyone laughs and she says there’s some good sex out there- “a little bit of a teary orgasm, I think.”
Andy: “A teargasm.”
I think Sarah Smile cries because she knows she’s not always going to have great sex- at some point her fiance or the batteries will run out.

A viewer asks about how flirty Grayson and Chris C. are on Twitter and if they’re an item...

They both laugh, turn red, say they’re not and they like to play on Twitter. (Does ‘Twitter’ mean genitals?)

Grayson’s Vidjoe Package: “This competition has made me more ballsy and I’m a pretty ballsy person.” “It’s gonna be like sex in the mouth.” and “Oh snap, just got me wet.”

Yeah, we’d be pretty good friends, Grayson and I.

Then Bravo does a lame take on a Coke Mouth quote when he said he was starting a new series called Mediocre Chef. They use all the TC graphics and Pads narrates it and they use clips of Judge’s saying the food was mediocre and the chefs being happy about it. Eh.

Viewer Question! ‘Why were the Judge’s so hard on them this season?’ Colicchio says they were cranky because it was 150 degrees. Gail gives a standard: we knew how accomplished they were so they gave harder challenges.
Last Chance Kitchen Montage! We see Big Buddha win then Nyesha then Baby Face Bev. Andy congratulates her on making it back through Last Chance Kitchen and she gets golf clap applause.
A Wise Viewer observes that Nyesha got screwed because Colicchio had the two chefs change ingredients.

Colicchio: “I did that, right?”
Um you’re a Producer, you kinda did.
Colicchio: “There were lots of comments made that Nyesha ended up with Asian ingredients that she wasn’t used to using, but Bev got a bunch of ingredients that SHE didn’t choose.” He asks if they think it was fair. Nyesha says “YeeeeAH.”

Colicchio asks her to be honest. She gives it a diplomatic- it-was-a challenge-but-I-was-thrown-for-a-loop, betraying the fact that when she goes out to dinner friends now pay the waiter to run in just before they eat and yell “Stop eating! Switch plates!”

Question: ‘Did the chefs think it was fair that someone could come back into the competition?’
Big Buddha says it was an awesome opportunity and as much as they did team challenges it was “very much top chef singular.” Sarah Smile rolls her eyes. (ARGH!)
Bev says everyone should get second chance which is tough to hear because it means she’s gonna forgive those Mean Girls and end up making them blintzes at their Grandma’s bday parties. Being the last person eliminated after Bev came back, Coke Mouth says he “officially”does not like Last Chance Kitchen.

Andy makes a crappy segue about how LCK wasn’t the only thing burning up the internet...

Andy: “There are photos like this one popping up all over the place.” And the crowd goes wild! TyLor God of Cooking: “I think I had to submit those for an application for my apartment in Brooklyn.”

TyLor: “You know those are just some artistic photos, there’s nothing overtly sexual in their intent.”

Whoa, forget Sarah Smile, BAM! looks like he wants some pork butt. (btw, Gbg has a great dry rub recipe.)
TyLor says it was way before TCTX and a little bit of his coming out process and embracing who he is. Nice.
Andy: “We got an email from Tom Colicchio in New York City...”

Andy: “Is TyLor a bear?”
Colicchio: “That wasn’t, that wasn’t me.”
Andy apologies to Colicchio for the joke and Ty says it depends on the definition of bear but admits he’s a “furry guy.”

Chris C.’s Vidjoe Package: “Hopefully I don’t get fat while I’m here.” “Growing up I was the chubby funny kid,”

“I was the big guy,”

“...drinking a gallon of beer every night. Then I’d pass out with half a burrito stuck in my chest hair.”

TyLor (from the clip): “At first we started calling him Handsome Chris, Dreamboat Chris...and then someone called him Malibu.”

Chris C.: “Even though I’m the best looking chef in the world, I’m single. And looking. So please call my cell phone number it’s across the bottom of the screen right now.

Nicely done, Bravo Producers. Chris C. admits he’s still single and they Cut To Grayson quickly.

Andy: “...It seems like the Medic was the 17th cast member.” Medic Montage! Sarah Smile falls on skis, Lindsay has an ice pack on her knee. Three different chefs ask for bandaids and then TyLor, Coke Mouth and a bunch of others cut themselves-

And, finally, Sarah Smile is down for the count and put in the ambulance. Or as Denzel says it, “ambalance.”
Question: ‘Why was Coke Mouth such a dick when Sarah went down, it wasn’t her fault.’ He admits he was and Sarah’s Smile returns. (That’s the way to do it, Coke Mouth. Ensure that you’ll get guests in your eating establishment.)

A viewer asks if Accessory Chef Chris is as nuts as he seems and then we get his Vidjoe Package and Grayson runs down all his accessories.

Grayson: “...he has a pink knife bag, ponytails in his hair, sunglasses on his head as well as on his face, he’s wearing socks and sandals. Who Is This Guy?!”
Coke Mouth: “Chris is like the child you would never really want.”
Apparently he made it into the NYTimes for his hair “it’s trending” and he’s happy if Locks of Love gets a shout out.

Andy: “Ninety percent of the viewers questions had to do with Bev and the way she was treated...let’s take a look at one of the most interesting and controversial chefs Top Chef has ever seen.”
Annnnd, why is Lindsay giving Baby Face Bev a Look/Pat/Squeeze? They’re besties now?
The Bev Vidjoe Package shows her winning a challenge, putting the note saying she’s won TC on her mirror, falling on skis, laughing, crying and then laughing, almost setting the trailer on fire, “I wear my heart on my shoulder” (?), Coke Mouth saying “How are we gonna gang up on Beverly?” and then the gang up including Lindsay yelling at her about the spoon she was using in Restaurant Wars, Sarah Smile yelling about her beet dish and finally the Battle Ax herself, Heather verbally pounding her in the kitchen and in front of the Judges.

She says it was tough for her to watch and she felt like there were times she could have been heard more but when she learned people had her back it made her feel good. (That would be Grayson- for a bit, Dakota and Nyesha.)
Colicchio asks if her family was supportive of her decision to be a chef and she says she has traditional parents.
Bev: “My Dad’s gonna kill me for this but he’s like- if you were my son and you’re going to culinary school, I’d kick your ass. That’s terrible to say.”

She says she thinks now he’s proud of her- “I’m in the Korean Beacon it’s like, Whoa! You made it!”

Tension broken- whew!

Question: ‘Why were those women so awful to Bev, especially in Restaurant Wars?’
Guess whose eyes are fluttering again?

Andy asks Lindsay first- she says a lot of it comes from “us being awake for over 40 hours doing a BBQ challenge- and then eight hours later opening a restaurant and sometimes in a restaurant you go off the handle a little bit because you don’t know how else to get people to react to that the sense of urgency.”
Well, someone has been studying on what to say!

Andy: “So has anyone apologized for anything that they said during the season?”
Bev: “Sarah did.”
Lindsay (quickly): “Yeah and Beverly and I both talked.”
Andy asks when Sarah apologized and she answers: at Whistler. Sarah: “I apologized for things I said that hurt her. Cause I do not hurt anybody.”
I think that’s only cause you thought you were gonna win, fathead.
Bev says she appreciates an apology because she felt she wasn’t treated fairly sometimes. She clarifies how much she respects the chefs and their opinions but when it goes into the personal is when it hurts.
Andy: “What did you feel like crossed the line?”
Baby Face Bev: “When it’s a question about my work ethic, that’s when it’s personal. As a chef that’s my image so I know on national TV this is not what I want to be portrayed as.”
Andy asked who said that and Bev:

“Well, it was said.” Then Papa steps in-

Colicchio: “We saw Heather at Judge’s Table, we were actually surprised, we’ve never seen someone on the same team after go after someone like that.” YEAH, use your finger! Prove your point!
They play the clip of Heather slaying Bev.

Heather B.: “Yeah that was not the right thing to do. My intention wasn’t to throw Bev under the bus, that’s dumb,”
Okay, apology coming, yes?
“...but sometimes I felt that she didn’t trust herself and she would ask all these questions...”
Oh no she’s not!
“...we’re all Executive Chefs and there probably could have been more of a...

“...more of an effort.”
Bev says she wasn’t slow in the kitchen, “400 shrimp” (BAM nods here because he’s eaten 400 shrimp in one sitting before) deveined and then to butterfly it? “I was helping other people too”
Andy: “Heather, do you think you owe Bev an apology for the work ethic comment.”

Here Lindsay looks at Heather B. as if to say, come on, we talked about this, it’s better to apologize. Do it.
Heather says she does not.

Heather: “...because at that time, that’s really how I felt, everything that I’ve ever said is very truthful.
Grayson says she thought Heather crossed the line.
GO Gray!
Heather: “But that’s not crossing the line if that’s my opinion.”
Colicchio says he doesn’t think Heather purposefully said those things to make her feel bad. (Say whut?!)
Grayson: “That night, I feel like she bullied her.”
Yeah! You weren’t in the kitchen, Colicchio!
Andy said Grayson stood up for her and she says if she thought someone was doing something fucked up, she’s gonna say it.

Here Heather bites the Klonopin she’s hidden in her back molars and plans to grind Grayson’s bones into a paste for Melba toast.
Baby Face Bev jumps in and says it was hurtful but she’s at peace because she thinks they respect her and she’s earned their respect.
(Okay- en el futuro- when you’re on reality TV and there’s a reunion show and you get the chance to let someone stew in their own juices when they did you wrong, Do Not Jump In and stop the flow! Just stay quiet and save your at peace thing until the very, very end. Let the Mean Girls get what’s coming to them! Sheet that coulda been so much better. And longer too. (That’s what she said.)
Finally, Gail says that few people could have handled the situation Bev faced with such grace. Yeah! Stay Classy, Gail!

Andy makes a silly segue saying Bev wasn’t the only chef to take heat “there was plenty of mean to go around.”
Not hardly true.
Mean Vidjoe Package! Everyone yelling at everyone including the Big Buddha frozen shrimp incident, Chris C. saying there’s something about Sarah that rubs him the wrong way, then Sarah not Smiling and yelling at everyone-

Grayson: “Maybe if you’d ask in a different fucking way...”
-and Heather yelling even more and even louder at everyone in America.

Andy: “Heather, Sarah and Lindsay have taken heat online for their attitude which some people consider to be ruthless. Is this just you in the kitchen? Are the people you work with- are they like, Okay, yeah.”
Sarah Smiles and says that mentoring is a big deal to her and she hardly has any turn over in her team. Is it too much to ask for this to turn into Maury Povitch and have her “team” come out from the shadows and say how much she sucks?
Andy asks Sarah’s reaction to herself on the show. She says it’s tough and she doesn’t want her family to see her like that and her cousins (which she really shouldn’t worry about because Heather is going to eat them) and “I regret that maybe people see me as a bully, that’s not me.”

(Nervous laugh.)
“But in the kitchen you have to get things done.”

Sometime around here TyLor gives Heather a look-

...that essentially says- Hey, I’m gonna say that thing I told you I would say and when Andy asks Heather about her reputation she obliges, on cue, with: “You can speak to TyLor.” God launches into a prepared speech: "Heather was my chef for three years and her direct and very hands on nature molded me into the chef that I am today and taught me a level of professionalism that I never had before I met Heather." Turn that teleprompter to the left, please?
Pads breaks in:

“Tell the truth, she bullied you into taking that photo.”
Ha ha!
Of course, not satisfied with God's answer and Pads cutting in, Heather ads: “Yeah, I made him become a chef too.”

Andy asks if she thought she came off like a bully and she says this is her personality whether it was edited or not and “’s not like people put words in my mouth, I said all of those things.” Andy notes that it “got bad for her on the blogs and Facebook.”
Heather (smiling the whole time): “People sent letters and phone calls to the restaurant.”
Sarah: “They actually sent death threats.”

Oh she got my note. Good to know.
Heather says it’s pretty tough to take “when someone says so many negative things about you.”
That are true. True negative things. Also, you look like it’s not very tough to take. You look like you’re kind of enjoying it and maybe even feeding off it. Like eating evil. Along with the bodies of homeless people.


Andy asks Lindsay about the frozen shrimp controversy and if that was the right way to handle the sitch in hindsight.
Again, Lindsay has been studying, she says they had never said more than Hi to one another and then they were in a group of eight and had no idea what they were getting into. Nice maneuvering there, Thick Neck.
When asked, Big Buddha says he was eliminated for his dish, not the frozen shrimp and that “the shrimp was just that fart in the air.” Everyone hollahs!
Big Buddha: “I kept trying to move around it and move around it and it just kept funking up the thing.”
Great diffusion Big Buddha! Jenna and Ellie Lee and I adore you!

Road Trip Montage- Snoooze. Question: ‘Did the they feel the girls had an unfair advantage in Restaurant Wars because they could see everything the boys did and correct?”
They all said once you buy the ingredients you buy the ingredients. I still think they were able to get a pretty good idea of what to do and what not to do. Not that they did it.

Oh here’s some footage of Street Food and Grayson cooking for students and the First Lady and her Let’s Move program. Fabio was there too- FABIO! Why couldn’t Fabio be on the Reunion? Just for eye candy because there are so many ugly Mean Girls? Next BAM is asked what his least favorite and favorite parts of the show are. Sending someone home and eating the “passion on a plate” respectively. (Ew.) What does Unibrow think about Judging? He says Top Chef Masters is easy (really, did you win, BrowMeister? Cause I thought Floyd beat you that season) and that TCTX was grueling.

Dumb clip package #24 that tries to portray Gail as an insensitive person. Corn! Then Andy segues into Gail’s new book, everyone claps. Then, revealing that they’ve completely run out of ideas Andy plays- Would You Rather?!? Really?
Okay, g'head.
Heather Would You Rather - Make out with Bev or make Asian food for the rest of her career. She picks making out with Bev.

Sarah Smile - Texas or Italy. She picks Italy. Big surprise.
Chris C. - Porn star or action hero. “Action hero.” Okay, actually that is a surprise.
Andy gives Chris C. a t-shirt they’re selling.


Come on, Bravo- you’re fizzling at the finish!
The Judges’ Vidjoe Package is relatively expected but there are two highlights worth mentioning. First Pads tells Charlize Theron she has a preference for blondes.
Charlize: “I’m not really blonde.”
Pads: “You are where it counts.”

And, finally, Pee Wee: “This is the episode where you jump the shark, right?”
Yeah, truer words have never been spoken in this case, Pee Wee. We didn't find out why the Texas season ended in Vancouver. We didn't see Heather beaten about the face and chest area and no Fabio. But the right chef won, Gail looked great, there was blood, tears, sweat (lots of it in the food) and some laughs.
I hope you've enjoyed this season's Top Chef Pool as much as I did, Poolahs!
Thank you for playing and reading!
I think it's safe to see I'll be back next year if you will! And maybe before that if I have a Mean Girl Update. Or if Street Food is okay with me sharing photos from out trip to Costa Rica. I'm sure he'll be fine with it.
Until then, may you only encounter Nice Girls and may the space in between your brows stay hairless.