Thursday, February 16, 2012

"You really tasted the cherry..."

Top Chef Poo-Lahs! (That sounds durty.) I wanna set this off with a lil fire!
Yep, that’s former Top Chef Contestant and Resident Hottie, Sam Talbot! He’s visiting people’s apartments to cook food. Hm, I think I just figured out the birthday present I’m going to give myself this year (emphasis on “cook.”)

But this is second to the last Top Chef Texas episode so let’s hit it hard! The finalists arrive in cold ass Vancouver with no segue whatsoever. I mean, why BC? what the hell happened to Texas? Texas is in the title, Bravo. Very odd. But our finalists have steeled resolve and some have new hairstyles!

Sarah Smile says her goal is “to remain calm and be a really nice person.”
(Mayhaps someone saw vidjoe of herself being a massive dickmobile this season?)

Baby Face Bev looks even more like a baby with longer hair and a ‘I can do it’ attitude.

Street Food is focused on the sacrifice his great grandfather made and wants to win for him. Que lindo!

(Um, Honey, we’ll buy Great G a boat with the winnings or something, okay? No worries. Just cook your ass off and then bring it home to me. Your ass, that is.)

Lindsay says something about how she and Sarah Smile and Street Food are all close and Bev doesn’t fit in. But then once she’s in the car she drops the Mean Girl armor and admits that looking back she gets upset with herself about certain situations.”
Yep that’s as close to an apology Baby Face Bev is gonna get.

Hm, certainly Lindsay didn’t see any vidjoe of herself that made her realize she should wear scarves as not to call attention to the girth of her cement column sized neck.

The finalists get into their Product Placement Car (Bev flanked by Lindsay and Sarah Smile in the back seat) and find a note that says they must meet Colicchio and Pads on top of Whistler Mountain, the site of the 2010 Winter Olympics.
As Street Food drives, he asks Bev how Last Chance Kitchen was. As soon as she starts to talk, Sarah Smile totally interrupts with: “Look at those trees!”


So that’s still gonna occur? Great.

At the top of the mountain in 5 degree weather crappy winter wear abounds

Well, Lindsay's jacket it kinda dope. Pads, of course, looks like Dr. Zhivago’s wet dream.

The first challenge? Surprise! It’s the Culinary Games. Pads: “Only three of you will move on to the final round of the competition.” Three events, the winner of each gets 10k.
First up:

Um, Street Food gets motion sickness. Did I mention they’re 7,000 feet above sea level.

Oh yeah and when the gondola reaches the peak, they have to jump out of it and pick a new ingredient and use it their dish. I’ll say it again:

They each get into their own individual gondola outfitted with basic ingredients, knife kit, a chinois, and two induction burners that are tipped at different angles.
Bev goes for a cold dish. Street Food can’t getting caramelization on his lamb so he cuts it off the bone. At the stop he picks wasabi paste, Sarah Smile - prune juice, Baby Face - horseradish and refuses to look outside as she cooks since she’s afraid of heights. Lindsay also picks horseradish and makes a vinaigrette. The gondola arrives at the restaurant and Street Food is not happy. He doesn’t blame the mode of transport or his motion sickness, he blames himself for not being able to execute a better dish. Awww, honey, I think that lamb looks fab.

In a restaurant with far too many glasses sits Pads, Colicchio, Gail and Olympic Silver Medalist and four time Gold X Game Medalist-

(Um, stop looking at my bf like that.)

Street Food presents

Then stands by the side. No comments ‘til the end. (It’s getting scurry!)

Sarah Smile finishes just as the gondola stops and presents

(I wish she used snozberries instead of gooseberries even though they doesn’t exist just because I just want her to turn into a blueberry at the end of the ep and be rolled down Whistler Mountain by Oompa Loompahs.)

Baby Face walks in with

Lindsay realizes she didn’t make enough salmon and cuts it in half and quickly


Colicchio says Street Food’s meat was under seasoned but all in all he did a good job considering (oh, you mean considering he’s Cooking In A Gondola?! Honestly Bravo you’re turning this into Wipeout, just put some giant red balls on that mountain and have them bounce over with their plates before they serve.) Gail says Street Food’s lamb was undercooked but she loved the enoki. Snowboard Girl says she never would have known it was cooked in a gondola because she has to say something and her PR person never really told her why Top Chef was doing this.

Colicchio wishes he could have tasted more of Sarah Smile’s prune juice; Pads says the gooseberry made it nice.
Snowboard Girl loved the crunch of Baby Face’s capers (har) but wasn’t expecting a cold dish. Here we go, Mean Girl ACTIVATE

Colicchio semi-corrects with: tartare is supposed to be cold so she “got that down and there’s a good amount of acid.” Gail admired her knife work considering she was on a “rocky gondola.” (If the gondola’s rocking...)
Snowboard Girl loved the combination of the chorizo and salmon Lindsay’s dish, Colicchio agrees and says Lindsay couldn’t have done any better.

Then the Judge’s all look at scorecards we’re not allowed to see as the final four stand. Pads: “Not only will the winner win 10k, they’ll also be the first chef in the final round.”

Uh oh, Sarah Smile’s Price Is Right reactions are getting contagious.

Annoying. Please don't do that Baby Face, it's not going to make Sarah Smile be your friend. Es imposible.

Pads: “That person WON’T have to cook in the next two events.”
Oh snap!
Colicchio was “expecting one person to really stumble but no one did.” Street Food came in last (awww!), Sarah Smile, third (yay!) It’s between Lindsay and Baby Face. And the winner...
She gets 10k and an automatic spot. the next event takes place tomorrow in a Vancouver prison cell.
I keed. I am keeder.

At the hotel that night (oh you’re letting them rest? That’s nice of you, Bravo) they drink and speculate. Sarah Smile says the last two chefs standing will a real battle. She calls Bev “that silent horse.” Um, really, you could do better with this. You had time to get your hair did during the break, you should have grabbed a thesaurus.

The Next Morning she, Baby Face and Street Food meet up with the Judges and Guest Judge Canadian Olympic Gold Medalist, Jon Montgomery. Pads: “On Jon’s winning run he was traveling 90 mph on the ice.” Apparently they will have to do the same. This is their pantry:


They have one hour to thaw their ingredients and make a dish. Say it with me: MEANEST TC SEASON EVER™!

They rush for the ice blocks, Street Food gets to the crab before Baby Face.
Oooo it would be kinda cool if there was a mini Hans Solo in there somewhere, right?! Cross promotion heaven!
Sarah Smile actually stops using the ice pick to shake her hand and complain because “it’s not breaking.” Baby Face uses a frying pan on the ice. In some cases they’re not even sure what’s in there! Meanwhile Street Food starts cooking crab. Then, because he says this challenge is “more about the food and not about how many ice blocks you can smash” he helps out-

Such a gentleman. A talented, adorable, naive gentleman. Bev does her best Glenn Close.

“I’m not going to be ignored, Michael!” (Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Good God, I’m old.)

They all cook (with Sarah borrowing Street Food’s spices- come on, really?! Oh he did let Bev use the rest of his wine.) Bev also uses ice shards since there’s no water.
5 Minutes!
Sarah Smile blends soup, the cream breaks; Street Food plates; Bev tastes...
Sarah’s pea & spinach soup with turmeric, almonds & king crab looks like diarrheas.

Colicchio says the flavor was good and notes that Street Food helped her with her crab (she didn’t even thank him!) Gail says the almonds were heavy because the consistency was so thin.

Street Food

Gail loves the mango and crab combo but the mango was a little frozen. Guess who smiles on the sidelines at that comment? Yep, the person Street Food helped.


Of course they ask if she thought of any of her fellow contestants as she was chipping away at the ice with the pick and they CUT TO Sarah Smile on the sidelines looking ripe for stabbing. Gail says she was impressed with the sear on the scallop but the sauce was heavy and made it off balance. Pads thought she got the couscous right.
The 10k winner of the 2nd event and next chef in the Top Chef Texas Finals is...
Street Food!
Awwww yeeeeah!
It’s Mean Girl vs. Baby Face Bev! Just like we all wanted! Baby Face feels like, after being bullied (the entire season, I might add) going up against Sarah Smile is fitting. Man I wish there was a camera in the hotel room to see Lindsay’s face when Street Food returns to the hotel and she realizes her Meanie In Crime might be bumped off!

The Final Challenge finds Pads in what will ultimately be a poster, key fob, screen saver and overall wet dream for the NRA

Gun Styles!
Also present, the first chick in the Hockey Hall of Fame, Cammi Granato. Sarah Smiles and waves as if she knows Cammi. Enough with the fakeness!
Pads: “Chefs, this is your last shot...”
They must cross country ski through the trees and then

Once an ingredient has been shot, it’s no longer available. They only have 10 bullets.
Hot damn!
Pads: “Have either of you shot a gun?”
Sarah Smile says her Dad used to take her “practicing shotgun with tin cans in the country.” Right after he extolled the virtues of corn tortillas.
Baby Face has never been skiing (join the club) or ever shot a gun and is feeling very nervous. Colicchio says this is probably the closest they’re going to come to actually shooting and killing something on Top Chef to stop fears of Ted Nugent arriving with skunks and the carcasses of Blacks to make a stew. (But don’t act like that’s not gonna be a real show on Fox soon.)
Time Starts Now!
They put on skis. Sarah Smile says if Bev moves forward instead of her she’ll never forgive herself. A nation, however, will rejoice! Bev is out front quickly but then falls four times. Sarah Smile is far behind and Bev goes around the pylons and passes her on the way back to the shooting range- then

Ha ha!!!

Bev gets to the range and goes for the arctic char and hits it with the first shot. Sarah finally gets to the range. Bev misses her next three! Crap!
Then the next!

Sarah misses her first three: “My Dad is not happy with me now.” Maybe he never was.
Bev gets truffles.
Sarah has six left. Finally she gets rabbit. Then cabbage.
Oh did I mention you have to lie on your stomach and shoot the target and then ski to the Next Target? Yeah.

Bev gets another; Sarah gets hazelnuts

Sarah Smile: “I only have one shot? I feel like she had way more shots than I did.”
Oh yeah, that’s what happened. Someone secretly filled Bev's gun with more bullets to smite you. That’s also why you weren’t invited to the semi-formal, the postman hated you and gave your invite to Bev. Oh I have an idea, why don’t you just have Street Food come down from the hotel and shoot the targets for you, Whine Ball?
Sarah goes for cherries and gets it but Baby Face is in the kitchen before her. She starts on a slow roasted arctic char with onion and beet compote.
Sarah arrives and does braised rabbit.

39 Minutes Left!
Bev is doing a dish she’s never done before and the kitchen doesn’t have coconut milk or lemongrass. She’s banking on the fact that she’s going outside her comfort zone. She suddenly uses the electrical outlet at Sarah Smile’s station. Sarah Does Not Smile: “I’m not sure that she remembers there’s one at her own.”

Sarah Smile: “Beverly, really?”
Well, hey- Look at THAT tree.

50 Seconds!
Sarah Smile says something about how she can’t see herself doing anything for the rest of her life other than cooking. And manipulating people to do what she wants. And whining if she can’t manipulate them. And dry humping her Chef Mentor’s leg.

They both present:

And they both stand there and watch the Judge’s eat. Weird!
Colicchio asks Baby Face’s decision process- she says she thought celery root goes well with seafood and the sweetness of the onions compliments the beets. Colicchio likes the dish and the colors but thought it was slightly overcooked. Gail liked the flavors; First Chick In The Hockey Hall Of Fame did too.

Colicchio says Sarah Smile took a risk to braise the rabbit leg and make sauerkraut in such a short amount of time. He asks her approach. She says she had a connection with the environment here “that kind of Germanic, Italian, Northern Italy thing and I’m very much German so kind of bringing those things together for me.” Yawn.
First Chick In The Hockey Hall Of Fame says she liked the first bite and wanted a second. Gail: “The rabbit was tough.” Oooooo. She says she knows it can be tricky but wished it were more tender.
Colicchio says they’re two very good dishes and they weren’t making it easy on them.

In the Make Shift Stew Room, the two admit it was intense. Then Baby Face Bev pulls the gun out and...Noooo, I don’t condone violence. A slight push down a flight of steps, maybe...

Judges’ Table
Pads: “You really tasted the cherry, you really tasted the puree” then Gail breaks in- she didn’t love how Sarah Smile cooked the rabbit so it was not as enjoyable. She really liked Baby Face’s dish but Colicchio: “the char wasn’t seasoned enough.”
Pads: “After watching them be so competitive and tenacious it’s really sad that one of them is going home tonight.”

Suddenly Street Food and Lindsay enter the Make Shift Stew Room all matchy like a couple that just had a hideous engagement photo taken.

Lindsay: “Sarah and I have a special bond.” The bond of beating the shit out of others. Litrally. Street Food says what surprises him about Bev is how tough she is. Then,’s Album Cover Time!

Sarah’s dish was well thought out, rabbit could have been cooked more or cooked less. Bev went in an earthy direction which was something new and downplayed the char. Colicchio would love to see them both cook in the finale but obvi, only one can “more on through” like a corn kernel in a colon.

Pads then
Awwww! Baby Face Bev.
Farg. pack her knives and go.

Come on Pads! There’s a tear in that eye!

Don't send Baby Face back to her crib. Sigh. The Judge’s congratulate Sarah Smile, tell her she’s in the Finale and that she also won 10k. She forgot about that.


Bev says her final goodbyes to Street Food and Lindsay and then her path crosses with the Mean Girl again so this occurs a second time.

Fellow Meanie is NOT pleased.

Sarah Smile tells Bev she’s glad she had the chance to cook with her and it was special and holds her face (ew) and says she is amazing.
They hug again and then she leaves saying she’s a stronger person.
Then she leaves and Lindsay says: “Give me a hug.” And get ten demerits for hugging Baby Face Bev. Also you’re not invited to Senior Car Wash Fundraiser but we didn’t want you there anyway cause we’re all wearing bikinis and you only have a onesie.

As for Baby Face, don't cry for her, Argentina. She was the Bevtender (eh) on Watch What Happens LIVE on Bravo last night and looked great.

She was also the subject of a poll where 84% of callers agreed that she was "bulled this season."
Um hmm...CANNOT WAIT for that reunion show. Oh yes, I'll be blogging it.

So it’s Street Food versus the Mean Girls. Even though my horse is still in this race (hm, there’s a Lindsay neck reference I haven’t used, shocking) I think you know where my heart (and my body) lie.

Next Week!
Sarah Smile: “Beverly has left the competition and this time she’s not coming back.”
Street Food can’t get the top on his blender and it sprays! (I'll have to teach you about that, Honey.)
And the Finalists have to cook for...150 people?!
Until the Finale, Poolers!

ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MERIDEN Street Food
ED K Street Food
BROWNIE Street Food
ME Lindsay
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food
DAISY Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food


    This video rocks. Watching Sarah fall a million times was awesome. She is such a biatch!

  2. Yes I know why did i pick her? thinks she did not look so bad in the first episode!!
    Go on street food, i knew you were the one, from day 1....
    plus i will not be ignored either D

  3. OMG I almost researched how to make a meme to do that! I LOVE IT! TANKS A MILLION FALLS for that! xo

  4. @Nikkileeks - HAR! Hooray you know it! Whew. Okay I gotta boil a bunny. I keed. I am keeder!