Thursday, February 9, 2012

"It just caught me at the end of my tongue."

Well Poolers, I’m pretty down and I think you know why. Sheet crashed and burned last Sunday. Yep. Everyone heard it. Honestly, this changes everything and I’m not sure if I’ll ever recover. I don’t want to belabor it but...

Can you believe it? One second my beautiful pot is in the drying rack, the next second it’s on the floor, broke and spinning like a penny! But here’s the good news- Le Creuset’s lifetime guarantee is for reals, yo!
Technically the drop isn’t covered so I don’t get anything free but for $60 (includes shipping) I get a new pot that’s 1/3 bigger than the one I had! WERD!
Le Creuset se bon!!! Haw haw! (French for Yeah, MF!)

Okay let’s pick it up from where it ended- the outdoor patio of the TC House where Coke Mouth thinks Baby Face is coming back from the Last Chance Kitchen. Sarah Smile thinks it’s Grayson. Coke Mouth bets a pack of cigarettes. Sarah Smile, a banana. “Sounds like a good night.”

The next morning in the Kitchen Pads is so skinny she can’t even wear a wrap dress without a tank beneath it.

What- I’m the only one who would want to wear that dress the way it should be worn? (Thus prolly revealing 1/2 of my bosoms but?) Come on, someone else thinks that shouldn’t be worn with a tank! Gbg? Bueller?

Oh yeah Colicchio is with Pads but he’s dressed like he’s going to grout his bathroom. Dood, we’re about to see who won Last Chance Kitchen! At least tuck your lumberjack shirt in.
And... (My God, Street Food just cracked his knuckles so loudly I thought it was my knees!)

That chef...



Sarah Smile says “Welcome back” out loud but to Camera she says something about Bev being “off in her own Bev-land” and how she doesn’t “want to go there anytime soon.”
Really, Mini-Heather B.? That’s all you have? The real Heather B. is gonna eat your face off for that corn. She’s gonna eat your face WITH corn.
They cut to Bev winning Last Chance Kitchen and Grayson hugging her (reluctantly, I’m sure) and Colicchio says if Bev cooks they way she did in there, they’re in for some trouble. Awwww sookie sookie now!

Quickfire Challenge
Lift your cloche! (Ew.) There's a blindfold under there! They have to do a blindfolded pantry raid!
(No, not a PANTY raid. That’s for Bravo Late Night. I’m the head of that network.)
The chef’s must find ingredients while blindfolded then cook a dish. Okay, remember last week when I said it was the meanest TC Season ever? I’m adding this ™.

Oh they don’t have to actually cook blindfolded, whew, but they do have to use everything they put in their basket.

The Winner gets a choice: A new Prius OR a guaranteed spot in the Final Round of Top Chef!
(Um, guess which Product Placement Car isn’t going to be chosen?)

30 Minutes to Cook Starts Now!

Pause Moment! Colicchio is trying not to laugh and Baby Face Bev IS laughing (cause it’s all gravy for her, she's back in the game, yo!

Sarah Smile puts up her hand, says she’s ready to cook and gets approval first. Lindsay goes next. Baby Face Bev is still in the fridge where a brown liquid is dripping all over the place. Coke Mouth is next. Finally everyone is cooking.
Bev didn’t mean to pick an avocado. Coke didn’t mean to pick pork casings he thought it was pancetta. Street Food, when asked, says he’ll take the car if he wins because he came to TC to compete. (Yeah, baby!)

5 Minutes Left!
Baby Face is JUST starting to clean her fish. (Typical) Coke Mouth uses the pork casing water as his soup base.

Baby Face made a striped bass with avocado, lime and jalapeno. Pads: “This fish is a little undercooked.” (Um, that's what happens when you blindfold someone and give them 30 minutes to find ingredients and then cook.)
Street Food - sauteed prawn with thai-salad/tomato salad. Colicchio: “Is this undercooked or the way you like it?” (See above.)
Coke Food made “Udon” with ribbons of zucchini and mushrooms and scallion. Pads takes two bites.
Sarah Smile - corn soup with onion, red chili, wood roasted mushrooms, lime juice and fresh peach. Pads asks if she’s done that combo before and she admits she hasn’t. Sarah Smile: “I’m trying to push the limit.” (No comment.)
Lindsay - whole fish with bulgar wheat, mascarpone and broccoli rabe. “I ran into the wall a few times.” Sadly we didn’t see a lot of that.

Colicchio says Coke Mouth’s choice was the most difficult and it was really nice; Street Food, good but the prawn was slightly undercooked as was Baby Face Bev’s protein. Lindsay’s fish was perfectly cooked and he loved the char on the greens. Sarah Smile’s forcing of an ingredient (peach) was delicious. It’s down to Coke Mouth and Sarah Smile.
And the winner is...
Sarah Smile. Farg.
“Oh my Gawod, oh my Gawod, oh my Gawod, oh my Gawod!” She asks if she can find out what the elimination challenge is before she chooses. Ha ha haaa- NO.
She goes with he guaranteed spot. Teeth gnash all around.

Coke Mouth says it shows a lack of confidence. (I kinda agree...) Sarah Smile says (To Camera) she doesn’t care how the chef’s look at her, they can look at her as one of the competitors final four. (Now That was a good one. Much better than “Bev-land.”)

The Elimination Challenge
Colicchio and Pads say it makes sense to bring in someone who had a little hand in making them the chefs they are and in walk...their mentors.
Everyone starts to lose it.

To make it worse, Pads says she knows there are good stories so she wants to hear it from them. Thanks, thanks a lot.

Sarah Smile starts. This former TC Master took a chance and brought a chef from Texas to Italy and made her “a great chef.” Yawn.

Lindsay has to look at frequent TC Finale Judge Michelle’s shoes “so she doesn’t lose it.”

She taught Lindsay how to balance being a “lady and a bad ass at the same time.”

Baby Face Bev thanks her mentor for her tough love.

Oh, honey, really you should be in therapy. You’ve had too much tough love in your life.

Street Food says his mentor “brought him up over the last eight years."

Street Food: "And...I’m like...”

There’s a long pause as he tries to hold it together. He apologizes for not being able to finish and, lip trembling as everyone else tears up too, thanks him. Awww. Let's have him over for dinner often, Darling.

Comparatively, Coke Food greets his mentor like he saw him at a strip club: “What’s up, Frankie.”

He thanks Frank for helping him lose his long hair and his attitude and teaching him how to be honest, hardworking and how to cook. Frankie is not the kind of guy I would call 'Frankie' btw. You know, unless he Wanted to be called Frankie.

Elimination Challenge
Make a dish that fulfills “and even exceeds” their expectations of you as a great chef. Jesus, this is TC Finale stuff!

2 Hours to Prep tonight.
1 Hour - ONE HOUR?! to cook before service.
The winner gets a Prius. Since Sarah Smile won a spot already SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO COOK IN THE ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Holy Shit I hate her so!

The mentors hug their students and build them up. Sarah Smiles and takes off with Tony to pull his pud.

30 Minutes to shop - $500
Coke Mouth wants oysters but they don’t have any fresh ones. He finds smoked ones in a can, tastes them and buys. Hm...
Baby Face is going to do a wok dish and reminds us she still has this:

“It’s materializing.”
Oh snap that’s right!
Meanwhile Sarah Smile and Tony drink tequila and eat food at a restaurant and he says he’s missed her. If this chick gets to sit in at the dinner I’m gonna lose it.

2 Hours to Prep!
Lindsay starts to second guesses herself; Coke Mouth makes an oyster cream; Baby Face Bev chases a runaway onion!
That night at the TC House Bev unpacks happily and then asks if everyone was surprised when she came back. No one is terribly talkative. Coke Mouth: “We were all excited cause we thought we were the final four.” They eat silently...
And then...the next morning...Street Food calls his girlfriend NOOOOOOOOO!
Aww man and she’s cute too.

Well, at least I know what I’m up against. Let the stalking commence!
(I keed. I am keeder.)

1 Hour to Cook at the Hotel Valencia!
Baby Face Bev has to cook in small batches because she’s wok cooking. The most important part is the last ten minutes. Street Food is working on a chilled vegetable soup with fourteen steps to plate. Lindsay is making a seafood stew and has to toast cous cous. Coke Mouth grabs equipment and starts to crisp pork belly skin. Sarah Smile- oh yeah, she’s not cooking so I guess she finally gets to shave.
Meanwhile Pads devastates in an off the shoulder number that makes mentor Michelle shrink. Litrally.

Baby Face Bev is up first:

I must say the portion she made in the kitchen looked bigger. Her mentor loves the level of heat and the flavors and Colicchio says cooking for that many people in a wok is tough.

Lindsay is next. Michelle, her mentor, is nervous and says she just wants Lindsay to be happy. Colicchio: “Sounds like you’re breaking up with her.” Michelle: "Would you stop!"
Quick Side Bar here: remember in Top Chef All Stars when Michelle had to tell Slimer (Michael Isabella) what she wanted for her last meal or whatevs and she picked fried chicken (I think) cause she had a crush on him? Just sayin’.
I mean, with all that eyelash batting she should be happy she’s been invited back and not be telling Colicchio to "stop."

In the Kitchen Lindsay beats herself up for using cream as an emulsifier but says (To Camera) she wanted to add flavor. She looks like this:

Is that the look of a chef that went home?
She explains her broth is intense and stands around a little too long after she intros it:

Michelle says everything was cooked beautifully and she doesn’t know why the cream was in there. Coke Mouth’s mentor says the raw thyme flavor "it just caught me at the end of my tongue." but Unibrow (where’s that hairy bastard been, certainly not getting electrolysis) says it was good.

Street Food presents and says it was an honor to serve the table.

Michelle says at first she thought the soup was too salty but Unibrow: “the vegetables were unseasoned and it’s a perfect balance.” Colicchio says he’s been cooking thai the whole time and they haven’t seen anything like this from him at all.

Coke Mouth!

Everyone eats quietly and then Gail says he packed the plate with a ton of flavor. His mentor loves it, Michelle wants him to sell the pickles but Colicchio is not a fan of the oyster sauce At All. (Or ATALL, as My Mama says.)

Stew Room!
In walks...Sarah Smile. Farg, I forget she was in it. See how nice it was with her away? Pads asks to see everyone except Sarah who Smiles.

Judge’s Table and Album Cover Time!

Small talk small talk zzzz. Colicchio says Street Food had a lot of nerve to come in there with a bowl of soup...the flavor in the dish spoke to someone who had a lot more experience than he had.

“Young chef’s want to add more and more” he showed restraint. And it was a very nice bowl of soup.

Street Food is in, yo!

Colicchio turns to Bev and says when you do stir fry you typically do one or two plates at a time. He says it’s risky because you can’t go back and re-season. Baby Face says she used two woks at once. Gail announces that noodles in a wok, when not cooked properly, are greasy.

Sidebar: Gorgeous dress, Gail! Give that stylist another 5%!
But all the comments for Bev are subterfuge, she rocked it! Baby Face Bev and Street Food served their favorite dishes!
They’re both going to the Finals and...
Street Food wins the car!!!

Hey, hey, Pads- don’t go looking at my bf like that. I already have to get rid of his current gf, I’ll knock your skinny ass out too!

In the Stew Room,
She hugs Street Food and gives a weak congrats to BFB, then she says she’s nervous for Coke Mouth and Lindsay.
Okay, #1- you’re only nervous for Lindsay. #2- Maybe if you had taken the car instead of the spot you could have advised her not to use cream as an emulsifier because you’re besties and all but no, you took the spot and had a nooner with your mentor. Sometimes Mean Girls Don’t Rule!

At Judge’s Table-
The aroma of Lindsay’s dish was intoxicating but the cream was the issue (especially when she was doing brown butter on the fish) and the dried herbs were a mistake. Who wants to eat bunches of dried herbs? Well, let’s define that a little differently...

Lindsay says she knew it when she brought the dish out and begins to cry. Gail says her mentor has a tremendous amount of respect for her. She says she had fun and met incredible people and would love to move on but if not she’s accomplished a lot and she’s okay with it. (Nice save.)

Gail says the pickles were amazing but something was slightly off about Coke Mouth’s sauce.
Unibrow: “Were those canned oysters?”
CM: “Yes.”
Colicchio leans back like there’s piss in his Pinot.

CM: “There were no fresh oyster to be found.” Colicchio: “You had no fresh oysters in there at all?” Unibrow says he had a dish somewhere in that dish but...

Gail is apparently responsible for telling both of them their mentors were happy. She lays that on thick and Coke Mouth says the experience has been great, he learned a lot and he would love for it to continue.
They hug each other as they go back to the Stew Room and Coke Mouth says it’s gonna be him.

At Judge’s Table, Gail says they both grew but they both did too much. “Lindsay knew that she made these mistakes and she didn’t try to fix them before she brought it to the table.” Then she says if she removed Coke’s oyster sauce from his dish it still plays.
Colicchio is shocked he used canned oysters. No one held a gun to his head. (Well they do when they’re playing Russian Roulette Bumps but...)

When they’re called back, Colicchio simply says: “It’s with difficult emotions for everyone here that one of you has to leave...”
Then Pads asks...
Coke Mouth?! pack his knives and go. He hugs Lindsay and says she deserves it. He says (To Camera) it’s tough getting knocked out by Baby Face Bev before the finals. Um, Thick Neck just knocked you, Dood. She did it with cream and a mess of crunchy thyme.
Baby Face says it’s ironic that she idolizes Coke Mouth and she made it over him. Coke Mouth toasts them all.

(Hm, one of these things is not like the other. What? She’s not wearing a jacket, that’s why.)

Coke Mouth thinks he should have got to the finale and so do I, Cokie! Instead we watch him lick the back of the toilet tank for residue and twitch his way out of our lives.
Sadly, that means Logue, LB, LB2 and Q, I must ask you to pack your knives and go.
Whew. Two Mean Girls made it and the object of their hate is back. Maybe she’ll get mean? Either way, mind blown.

I guess that means Next week - umm, that’s not Texas!

ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MERIDEN Street Food
ED K Street Food
BROWNIE Street Food
ME Lindsay
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
DAISY Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food


  1. My top 3 favorite comments, in order of how loud I LOLed.
    1. Unibrow (where’s that hairy bastard been, certainly not getting electrolysis)
    2. Colicchio leans back like there’s piss in his Pinot.
    3. Sarah Smiles and takes off with Tony to pull his pud.

    I'm enjoying the blog more than the actual show!!

    Thanks DeMane!

    1. I concur. and the photos to go along are adding to the LOLs. nicely done my friend.

  2. Aww thanks Poolers! Much Love back at youse! And...may I interest either one of you in Celebrity Apprentice...? Just askin' yo.