I’m getting a bit of late start on this because Stripes came over to help me with my “computah.” To tell you true, we spent most of the time talking about cooking (he’s been chefing it up, Son) and, of course, That Baby: Faustino.
But who wouldn’t want to talk about this kid?
Stripes couldn’t watch TC at all with me since he and Gbag are like 5 episodes behind so technically he doesn’t qualify as a Special Guest beca- excuse me? Well of course we had a couple of drinks.
Yeah, just a few.
Okay. We killed these two.
(btw I get all my $140 bottles of wine for $19.99 from The Wine Press in Brookline WERD!)
But that was it. Just the two bottles.
Alright we topped it off with a small glass of cloudy sake.
Hey, he’s the one who has ringside seats for this at 7am.
I gotta say that's not a bad show to be ringside for though. (I've omitted the crying footage- of Stripes, not Fausto.)
Now let's get to it!
Grayson misses Accessory Chef Chris; Coke Mouth wakes up 1/2 clothed-wtf?
Lindsay mentions her family wasn’t thrilled about her being a chef (prolly because of the size of her neck. Gymnast, maybe. Chef, naw.)
They arrive at the TC kitchen and find Pads pretty in pink next to a table loaded with pancakes.
Sarah Smile says she’s never seen this many before. People all over the globe make the gas face because they know Sarah won the Great Pancake Eat Off of ’99.
Then, in bikes...
I could go on for hours extolling the virtues of Pee Wee Herman and all the mornings I watched his show and how I even had a VHS tape of the The Pee Wee Herman Show on HBO that spawned the TV series (it was a lot dirtier, I'll tell you that) but why bother when all you're really wondering is if there's a Secret Word and if it's ‘movie theater.’
Listen, everyone deserves to watch porn, even Pee Wee (despite his name) it’s just, if you’re famous for working on a kids’ show you probably shouldn't watch porn in public. Also those movie theaters are gross.
(Rich Hall/Sniglet reference? Woot!)
The Quickfire Challenge
20 Minutes to make pancakes for Pee Wee and Pads. The winner gets 5k.
Sarah hasn’t won any money yet and knows her fiance is going to be disappointed.
Really? That’s what you’re fiance is going to be disappointed about? Not your hideous behavior during this show?
Street Food takes on the role of Accessory Chef and uses liquid nitro to make Champagne dipping dots; Pee Wee: "I have an open mind, and an open mouth."
Grayson does a ricotta buttermilk pancake with peach cobbler; Sarah Smile a confetti pancake with- are those sprinkles? It looks like her dish is going to be on the Denny’s menu next week; Lindsay also makes a ricotta pancake with almond and anise cookies; Coke Mouth- a play on the drippings of batter that fall around the pancake.
At each tasting, Pads says nothing. Pee Wee says each pancake is the “best pancake he ever had.” He picks a winner immediately calling Coke Mouth’s pancake bits, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, bacon and bruleed marshmallow the most original.
Coke Mouth wins money for coke Success (Rice!)
The Elimination Challenge
They're going back to The Alamo where their TC journey began. Hey we all remember PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE where Pee Wee consulted a psychic that told him his missing bicycle was in the basement of the Alamo, right?
(Um, Quick Side Bar: Bravo, why didn’t you play that movie late night? You coulda done clues to TC in the commercial bumps. Hello? Laura Zalaznick? You see why we need to work together?)
The chefs’ must change Pee Wee's memory of The Alamo by making an unforgettable family style lunch using a map (GPS-less!), Pee Wee styled bikes, $100 and FINDING their food and a KITCHEN to cook it in along the way!
Only one chef can cook in one kitchen in a restaurant along the way at a time. So if two show up, someone has to wait.
Pee Wee spends ten seconds telling them what he likes (egg salad, spicy, chicken) and what he doesn’t (tight jeans, spider monkeys- okay I'm making this up because who doesn't love spider monkeys?!?)
The chefs put their knives in their backpacks and walk out to their bikes.
And 3 Hours ‘til service!
(Honestly this is the meanest season of Top Chef EVER!)
They all decide to start at the Farmers Market and then it's every chef for him and herself.
Street Food says he rides his bike constantly but hit a manhole cover two years ago and smashed his head and now when he drinks the left side of his face gets red.
Ummmm. I know most chef’s don’t have health insurance but we need to have a specialist look at that right away, Honey. Also let's get that joint bank account going for your winnings just in case, okay? (I keed!)
Grayson goes to the same farm stand same table as Street Food and gets chicken; Lindsay spends too much on beef cheeks (ew); Coke Mouth decides to find proteins at whichever restaurant he asks to let him cook.
Street Food gets to Rosario's restaurant, Grayson is behind him on her bike.
Grayson: “Sorry, that’s my plan too.”
He goes to the locked door, she finds the one that opens. My bf doesn’t think Grayson following him around is cool and neither do I!!!
In Rosario’s, Grayson says she’s in a competition and asks if she can cook there (Jesus, the amount of time it takes to explain the process leaves them even less time to cook!)
Meanwhile Sarah Smile is lost and has to back track.
Street Food finds a great kitchen, cool staff and quality ingredients. Lindsay secures a place to cook at Mad Hatter’s but doesn’t like what’s in their pantry and bikes around to other places (really?)
Coke Mouth hits a B&B and, nicely, asks to trade or bargain for shrimp. No dice but they have chicken, he asks for grits and he’s in business.
2 Hours Left!
While Lindsay is away, Sarah Smile has found Mad Hatter’s and starts to prep. When Lindsay returns, Owner: “Let her get in there first and then you can come in after her?”
Lindsay: “Absolutely not, we have two hours.”
She realizes she should never have left- no duh! Hit the streets, Thick Neck! She gets to Frank’s Hog Stand and tries to defrost her beef cheeks. (Again, ew, mostly cause I feel bad thinking about cheekless cows mooing.)
Meanwhile Sarah Smile speaks to the owner and says lots of pithy non-Mean Girl things like: “It’s a tight space but you gotta trust the person next to you.” (Har.) And “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t meant I can’t hang.” Okay, enough, cause if Colicchio suddenly bikes in and says the owner is in the competition you’d gut him like a fish in front of his children.
The owner of the B&B where Coke Mouth is cooking asks him to make a couple of over easy eggs for a diner.
Coke Mouth: "Oh, you want me to cook them?"
Yep, he does it. I guess Coke Mouth is okay, huh?
1 Hour Until Service!
Street Food preps his thai chicken; Lindsay works with two pots; Coke Mouth’s B&B starts writing up his tab and he packages everything. Grayson has to carry her chicken in her hand as she bikes or her yolks will break!
Everyone makes it to The Alamo and just in time cause here come the Judges!
Gail in the house! Uh oh, slight mix up with the stylists though, your dress colors are too similar, ladies!
All five sweaty chefs present at once.
Sarah Smile - summer vegetable soft egg salad with chick skin vinaigrette. Pee Wee had a very different idea of what egg salad was going to be but thought it was good. Gail loved the chicken skin vinaigrette but Colicchio noted she didn't use ANY salt and pepper. Bland!
Grayson - egg spinach & gorgonzola stuffed chicken breast with butternut roasted squash and bacon vinaigrette. Colicchio likes where it starts but says it veers off into a weird thing with too many vegetables. Gail thinks it was smart to stuff the chicken with the yolk but Pee Wee says he has a lot of childhood issues with runny yolk: “I’d have to lay down to talk to you.”
Lindsay - stuffed zucchini with braised beef cheeks, rice & goat cheese with salad, pickled greens and celery. Pads and Gail think there’s too much goat cheese and the vinaigrette was too heavy for the salad but Pee Wee likes that the zucchini looks like little boats. (Yeah, that’s the Pee Weezy we know and love!)
Coke Mouth - his version of chicken & grits with fresh raw corn, kale, okra and roasted tomato salad and red-eye gravy. Pee Wee can’t tell what flavor he’s tasting but likes it...except the chicken has an odd texture. Colicchio agrees, it’s on the verge of being undercooked. Pee Wee: “I bet you never saw yourself saying ‘I agree with Pee Wee’ today.”
Street Food - roasted chicken, red curry gastrique, summer salad with basil blossom oil. Gail loves the flavors, Pads would have liked more heat, it’s too sweet for her; Colicchio says the vegetables are acidic and with the vinegar it just works.
Pee Wee: “And this plate is also emptier than the rest of the plates. Just an observation.”
Overall PW was really happy with his lunch and Gail thought considering they were on bikes and borrowing kitchens they made really beautiful food. Pee Wee talks about chicken. Pads says “I know you are but what am I?” (Noice!) PW says he’s rubber and she’s glue- “Infinity!” PW tells Colicchio to get in his bike basket so they can go to Judges’ Table. Adorable!
In the Stew Room Coke Mouth gets melancholy and says he’s proud to have cooked with them (planning ahead, Cokie?) then Pads asks for all five at Judges' Table.
Album Cover Time!
Colicchio says it looked amazing and they did a great job. They all praise Street Food’s dish but Pads wanted another crunchy element besides the chicken skin. Street Food’s head goes down.
Coke Mouth talks about how he cooked his chicken in beef tallow but cooled it before cooking it all the way. PW says the texture was slightly odd. Coke Mouth’s head goes down.
Grayson says she took the skin off the chicken because PW was trying to eat healthier- Gail: “But then you loaded it with cheese and egg yolks.” Grayson’s head goes down.
Gail and Colicchio tell Sarah Smile her food was under seasoned. With glazed eyes: “Okay.”
Colicchio says Lindsay’s stuffed zucchini brought back fond memories as that’s the first thing he cooked when he was little. Gail says her salad was overdressed. Lindsay’s head does not go down. It can’t. Because of her neck.
PW announces the winner who changed his memory of the Alamo...Lind-
Lindsay: “Awesome.” She admits she wasn’t expecting it. Um, neither was I, Dood.
Lindsay wins nothing, thank Buddha, and Pads tells Street Food he’s safe so it's between Coke Mouth, Grayson and Sarah Smile, one will bike home...
When they're called back out, Colicchio sums it up: Coke Mouth- slightly undercooked chicken; Grayson- portions too big, great ingredients but too far and too much; Sarah Smile- under seasoned eggs.
And then Pads asks...
Grayson to pack her knives and go.
WHEN WILL SARAH BE KICKED OFF?!
Sarah Smile clasps a hand to her mouth: “Oh my Gawod. Oh my Gawod.”
Grayson says she stayed true to herself through the process and doesn’t regret anything and breaks out real quick like she really has somewhere to go besides home. In the Stew Room, Coke Mouth, Lindsay, Street Food and Sarah Smile toast and congratulate themselves until, she's baaaaaack...
At Judges’ Table, Colicchio drops the Last Chance Kitchen bomb!
Everyone's mouth drops Sarah Smile-style when they find out one chef gets to return. Colicchio plays a little teaser footage of chefs cooking to make everyone who hasn't watched it on bravotv.com feel like dolts. Then On screen Colicchio says: “The winner is...” then fade to black.
FADE TO BLACK!?!
Hold up, wait a minute!
That's how you're doing us?!
Hm, I guess we'll find out who the winner is in...The Last Chance Kitchen!
Grayson arrives and when Colicchio explains the dilly she’s pale faced: “I don’t know if you’re fucking with me, or...” Oh 27 year old Grayson. So young and naive. NOW YOU COOK!
No twists, just make a great dish.
Ahhhhhh, that sucks butt, Bravo. Nyesha leaves on a dish switch with Baby Face Bev and this is the Final and all they have to do is cook whatevs?!
Grayson goes for scallops. Ty-Lor God Of Cooking says she’s like one of the guys, tough and doesn’t beat around the bush.
Nyesha says she wants Baby Face Bev to win since she beat her. The Eliminated whisper that Bev is “doing Asian again, why is she doing Asian?”
Bev says if you’re Italian you’re gonna do Italian. (Har.) Then she yells: “Hey Grayson, why’d you get eliminated?!”
Grayson: “Are you fucking kidding me?!”
The Eliminated say that’s a dumb question. Grayson thinks Baby Face is trying to get in her head.
Then it's over!
Baby Face Bev says “it was a fun challenge” (again?) and makes a beautiful dish that has more words than I’ve ever seen used in a description:
She says she used flavors she loves.
Grayson’s dish was also wordy and just as lovely:
She says it was meant to be a “trail of goodness.”
Colicchio says Bev’s dish was a little on the sweet side, snapper perfectly cooked; Grayson had perfect scallops, cardamom was great only complaint the butter may have burned a bit.
Colicchio: “We often talk about heart and soul and desire in cooking...when you see a dish and you taste a dish you know it’s there...and the winner of Last Chance Kitchen is...”
Fade to Black AGAIN!
They’ve left us hanging!!!!
I’m not kidding! I wouldn’t do that to you. I mean, one time I pretended there was a monster behind my friend but that’s only because she did it to me first and it scared the crap outta me.
There's no answer!
They got us good. All we’re privy to is a teaser of next week where Coke Mouth (in the TC House) bets that Bev is returning and backs it up with a pack of cigarettes (are we in prison now?) and then we see this!
One cloche doesn’t a have a chef behind it!
One of these cloches is not like the other!
I guess all will be revealed next week, Poolers! Until then, Two Things!
#1- I have at least four people interested in doing a Celebrity Apprentice Pool this season....any takers? I'd like to get at least 15 on board. Here's the teaser if you haven't seen it. Pretty well done. (And YES I hate Trump like the dickens but there's no way I can avoid watching George Takei. Yurp.)
#2- GO PATS! (what am I not gonna say Go Pats!? yeah and I bet you don't like spider monkeys, right?)
TOP CHEF TEXAS!
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth
KRISTEN K Lindsay
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
DAISY Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food