Thursday, January 19, 2012

"Wow, my heads' are spinnin."

Howdy Poolahs!

Before we get started a lil news- former TC and resident yeller, Angry Dale, has a restaurant opening in Park Slope!
And his gf is vegan so that means I might be able to eat something thing there! This link is from Jet, raise your hand if you want potato chip-crusted cookies w/caramel ganache! Friggin yum!

In other news, Ellie Lee offers a link about Paula Deen’s shocker. If you haven’t yet heard, she has diabetes and is now touting ‘betes medicine like butter sticks. Anthony (Bourdain) no likey!
Ellie: “Bourdain's comment about her signature dish being a hamburger using a donut for a bun is NOT a joke. That's actually something she promotes on her show! GROSS! She made $10 million dollars last year from the sales of cookbooks & crap associated with her show. So she makes people sick with her fatty foods, for 3 years doesn't tell anyone she has diabetes, and goes public now with her disease because she's gonna make money selling diabetes medication. Repulsive! I love Bourdain for calling her out.”
Here’s another link she sent for good measure:
But let’s be clear here, Ellie Lee, I love Bourdain too! So now we will fight over Tony AND Michael Voltaggio. I better start my roadwork. I wonder if I can get boxing gloves that look like oven mitts Don't bite that!

And now, on with the show!
In the Stew Room, the Boys congratulate Baby Face Bev on her win. Guess who’s still chewing her cud?

Sarah Smile thinks Lindsay was the glue that held them together in Restaurant Wars and should have won. Maybe if her dish was called “Front Of The House.”
Colicchio enters and tells them they’re headed back to San Antonio. No sleep AGAIN!? Honestly some poor, over-tired chef is going to leap from a building into a pot of boiling water.

In the Boy’s car they chat it up.
In the girl’s car, crickets.

Let it go, Lindsay, Lordy!

They get to the kitchen to find hot ass white-haired, jillionaire Eric Ripert next to an equally hot paper-thin pant suited Pads.

My God if they had children their skin alone would glow like sunlight and taste like cashew brittle. Delicious!

The Quickfire Challenge
30 minutes to create a dish using three ingredients from a conveyor belt. Better ingredients will roll out as time progresses but then that will cut down on their cooking time. At stake, immunity.

Some start to cook, others stand by the conveyor belt. Ed grabs macadamia nuts and sauerkraut and then realizes he screwed himself. Accessory Chef Chris starts, barely looks at the belt. Sarah Smile and Street Food wait for something good to come out. Accessory Chef Chris sees lobster but when he runs to the belt it disappears and doesn’t come back.
Five minutes left!
Sarah Smile is the only one who hasn’t picked anything or started cooking. She gets saltines. Accessory Chef Chris misses the lobsters, again! Lindsay waits until the last possible minute and grabs grouper and clams. Bev forgets to add her curry rice krispies to her dish. Ripert asks to taste it anyway and says it’s nice. Coke Mouth suggests (to Camera) that she should have cheated. Sarah Smile has cottage cheese, saltines and artichokes and what does she make? What she always makes (according to Ellie Lee and this is true) something deep-fried. Um, hello, she made two fried dishes in Restaurant Wars! Deep-frying does not a chef make! (Maybe we should start calling her Baby Paula Deen?)

Ripert’s Least Faves (say this with a thick, sexy French accent, won’t you? ) Accessory Chef Chris’ lobster and foie gras with cauliflower and vanilla “deeded really come to-gather;” Grayson’s overpowering cheddar cheese Goldfish crust on Dover sole “I couldn’t taste da feud after a while,” Street Food’s Wonder Bread, saffron and bitter melon “was knot reely ap-eeling because of the bitterness of the melon.”

Ripert’s Faves: Sarah Smile’s fried soft shell crab with ingredients of cottage cheese, saltines and artichokes, “the fact that you ewezed cheese to make a sauce with herbs was interesting and a surprise;” Lindsay’s harmonious bouillabaisse of grouper, clams and Pernod; and then Pads drops the shocker- if Baby Face Bev were able to get all three components (black eyed peas, tofu and rice krispies) on her plate she would have” won by a mile.”

Dammit Baby Face! Now Sarah Smile or Thick Neck wins immunity!
And the annoying Mean Girl winner is…Thick Neck.
Instead of just taking the win, Lindsay says (to Camera) it’s a backhanded compliment because Baby Face came in first. Honey, I’ll let you taste some backhand. I have it right here. Lemme just rub it in some feces first.

Elimination Challenge
Create a gothic feast fit for a Queen. And then, in floats Charlize Theron, TC fan and star of Product Placement movie: SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. Sarah Smile gives her best, surprised Price Is Right face on cue.

(Charlize thought she was gonna win a Golden Globe last Sunday for YOUNG ADULT- alas she lost to Meryl Streep (IRON LADY.) Get used to it, kid. We’ll all lose to Meryl someday (and like it!)) And, I say again, we will all work for Ryan Seacrest-
Do Not Doubt The Crest!

Pause Moment! As Charlize enters, Ripert makes a mental note to get divorced immediately and Pads gives her that “I wore a pantsuit as you requested in your rider” smile.

Coke Mouth: “Wow, my heads' are spinning.”
(Now, perhaps he actually said “a-spinnin’” (I rewound it three times, it’s hard to tell with his coke mouth) but I like the double entendre above better.
Charlize tells everyone she plays the Queen in the Product Placemen movie, is basically “a serial killer” in the tale, and wants to see indulgent, risk-taking dishes fit for the evil Queen. She also suggests “take out your competition.” Then Sarah Smile smothers Baby Face Bev with a corn tortilla!
I keed. I am keeder.

After shopping (30 minutes/$250), everyone discusses their dishes in the TC House and Accessory Chef Chris calls “his love, his wife.”
Oh, he went accessory-less for the nuptials.

His wife tells him to “give them hell.”
In the livingroom, Street Food asks his fellow chefs to be respectful of spaces and not take things off other people’s stations. Huh. Lindsay relates this to Baby Face Bev’s cooking style. Grayson says Bev is a “bulldog.” Tiny but crazy.

In The Kitchen!
Coke Mouth makes a white sauce and a black sauce, “the classic struggle between good and evil” (Racist!) Street Food has 14 components (wow!) and thinks everyone underestimates Baby Face’s ability. Sarah Smile makes lamb hearts (ew.) Grayson has never worked with black chicken before (of course) it’s lean and will get hard if you cook it too long. Sounds awful, though, in my day, I was known to chew a chicken bone long after the meat was gone. (That sounds durty.)
btw-this is preeeetty much what I would imagine the anger in Heather B.’s body looks like. Or potentially her heart.

Hey, name this movie this line is from: “Come back, black chicken! Leave us an egg or something!”

Here come the Judges- Pads in a deep purple satin strapless number with straight hair, BAM (he lives!), Sexy ass Eric Ripert, Colicchio and no, no Unibrow because he would prolly gush all over the gorgeous guest of honor…

Coke Mouth presents tuna tartare with black garlic ponzu & Asian pear vinaigrette topped with fried fish scales. It looks kinda like a doo doo with parsley.

But people seem to dig it. Especially the fish scales.

Street Food’s enchanted forest with bloody beet handprint gets an “Ooooo! Wow.” from Charlize. She thinks it’s beautiful and scary. (Don’t try to get with my man!)

The forest is a mix of Foie gras and bacon with strawberries, pumpernickel, pickled cherries and beets. BAM says it has potential problems (what?!) but it all came together. Ripert loves the pickled jalapenos.

The dinner conversation is polite with everyone letting Charlize take the lead. Pads poses some questions and CT steps on her a little bit but honestly, who wouldn't want to be stepped on by her?

Baby Face compares her seared white halibut to Snow White and the red curry coulis (“blood”) & forbidden black rice (“black heart.”) It looks tame in presentation but the halibut is cooked perfectly and Colicchio likes the rice.

Lindsay didn’t use any “wicked ingredients” like organs or a heart because she doesn't have one herself. Just seeing if you were paying attention. Naw, she wouldn’t have been comfortable with the offals (which I like to pronounce as "awful.") Her seared scallop over witch’s stew (with braised short rib) & dragon beans is cooked perfectly and smells divine. Pads says Lindsay may not have needed immunity with a dish like that.

Sarah Smile is the most proud of any dish she’s made. Her Amarone risotto (she soaked the grains in the wine to make them red but honestly it looks brown to me) with lamb heart currants sunchoke and thyme are called "flavorful" by Ripert. Colicchio thinks it’s delicious. Charlize wants to eat more heart. Did I mention she's in the market for a bf?

Grayson wasn’t sure how far she was supposed to go with the "wicked" theme (everyone keeps saying that which makes me think of the play) and Accessory Chef Chris says her plate looks like a slaughterhouse.

Black chicken with roasted beets, quail egg & foie gras. The table responds with: “Whoooa. Wow.” They all agree it’s crispy and delicious and “she went there.”

Accessory Chef Chris knows he’s been accused of being a little gimmicky in the past and tonight…

…is no exception.
He presents the last course (a dessert!)

His apple pie/cherry pie poisoned apple has granola, pie shell, puffed rice crispy as maggots, a worm coming out, basil and cinnamon and nitro apple powder to cast a spell.

BAM did not fart. That is nitro.
Hey, have we ever seen Colicchio react like this?

Coliccho: “Oh, God, awesome.”
They all agree it tastes delicious and love the bloody surprise inside.

Ripert says this is one of the best meals he’s ever had on Top Chef.
BAM: “There were a few things that were just a little out of step.”
Ripert delivers a death look.

Honestly, I’ve never heard more accolades bandied about for a TC meal. Colicchio says it’s going to come down to those “small things.” Charlize asks if she gets the head of the Top Chef on a silver platter. I’m sure Coke Mouth will oblige…

Judges' Table!
Pads asks to see all of them and Colicchio says it was one of the finest meals he’s ever eaten.
See what happens when you just let them cook, without teams and Bravo?!
Charlize (she’s actually there, Ripert is not) says the meal was spectacular.
Coke Mouth: “We’re here to please you.”

Charlize: “Oh wow!”

Compliments flow like water but finally, Charlize announces the winner…
Street Food, YAY!
He gets two ticket to the world premiere of SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN.
(Two movie tickets? Farts. He and I were hoping for a weekend getaway...)
Pads then announces that Coke Mouth, Lindsay and Accessory Chef Chris…are...
The bottom three are Sarah Smile, Baby Face Bev and Grayson.

Charlize is gracious in her comments, starting with praise and then dropping a little bad news: she received a real hit of salt from Sarah’s risotto. Sarah Smile says that’s how she’s always cooked it. Then: “I truly love and breathe and eat and sleep food.” (Too easy. No comment.)

Colicchio mentions that Baby Face’s arrowroot was sticky. Baby Face says she wanted to go more elegant. Meaning sticky? Charlize says the sauce was a weird texture, Baby Face says it was fine when she tasted it. Colicchio: “Maybe if it were served hot.”
And now comes the “I have something special in my heart/I’m doing this for my family/I have so much to offer/it’s coming from my heart. Thank you.” speech.

(See what you started with the begging, Sarah Smile?)

Colicchio thought the quail eggs on Grayson’s plate could have been cooked a little more. Charlize says her greens were salty. Pads didn’t think she needed the foie gras. BAM says don’t tease him with foie gras. “If you’re gonna give me foie gras, give me foie gras.” Like a bucket of it.
No, not the little outdoor citron candle bucket, a bucket you might use for mopping a floor.
Or a Laundromat sink. One of those deep sinks?
Yeah, give him a Laundromat sink full of foie gras.

Grayson says she went out on a limb, “I totally embraced the wicked thing…” then she slams Bev! “She says for wanted to go more elegant. Okay.”

Awww don’t get mean, Grayson!

No one else did! Jesus, it’s like the ghost of Heather B. is clomping all round. Ellie says it’s infectious. And lookit the gleam in Sarah Smile’s eyes when Grayson says this shit? Blood in the water!

“I could have done what I like to do, like pasta and I didn’t. And I hope you see that.”
Great, Grayson, now you’re going to be invited to the sleepover at Sarah Smile’s house and you’ll be at her Lab partner for Chemistry class and she’ll prolly want to share sweaters with you- is that what you wanted!? Are you happy now?!

In the end, Sarah Smile’s risotto had too much cheese; Baby Face Bev’s sauce was on the sticky side; Grayson’s greens were salty and the egg didn’t fit in. All in all a terrific meal but “the Queen will have someone’s head.” (Okay, enough.)
Pads then asks...
Baby Face Bev
To pack her knives and go.
She hugs Grayson and does a side hug with Sarah Smile. She says she’s proven to herself how much she can preserve and never threw anyone under the bus. But maybe she’ll get in touch with her anger and throw Nyesha under that mutha cause it’s time for...

The Last Chance Kitchen!
When Nyesha sees Baby Face enter the lair she knows she “has this in the bag.”
The Eliminated show up and Colicchio asks everyone who was beaten by Nyesha to raise their hands- five go up! Nyesha gets a lady boner.
When solicited, Heather B. says her money is on Nyesha. Colicchio kind of laughs and says she and Bev had problems all the way through.
Colicchio asks if anyone bets on Bev- no one. Baby Face says she believes in herself and can prove them wrong.

30 Minutes to cook with Black Drum, a local fish. But there’s a twist, they only get one pass through the pantry to gather all the equipment and food they need.
Time Starts Now!

Everything appears to be going well until Colicchio runs in and yells for them to stop cooking and surrender their ingredients to the other chef…!!!

Nyesha: “Seriously?”

Big Buddha: “Ohhhh, shit!”
Nyesha is rattled. They switch stations. Bev’s is completely powdered in cornstarch. So is the fish. (???) Nyesha says she just set “this girl up so good” it’s not even funny. Wow Bravo- wtf?!
Nyesha sees nothing exciting in Bev’s bin and Bev knows her ingredients aren’t Nyesha’s style.
Nyesha: “Super not loving this.” Meanwhile Bev gets to work on a butter sauce with citrus and fennel.

6 Minutes Left and Bev hasn’t touched her fish yet!

Accessory Chef Richie: “Do your fish!”
Big Buddha: “She poured the oil on the fucking grill.”

Ty-Lor God Of Cooking: “Oh my God!”

Bev made Black Drum with oranges, fennel and black olives that Bev never cooks with (she doesn’t do Mediterranean) and was nothing like Nyesha had in mind.
Nyesha made Black Drum with julienne of tri-pepper toss with rice vinegar vinaigrette and a slaw of fresh cilantro and snow peas…

(yeah, kid, is sounds like she slayed you.)
"…and muddled flavors of a pineapple chutney."

Colicchio says it was nice of Baby Face to step out of her comfort zone and she should do that more often. Then he announces he wants to bottle Nyesha’s pineapple chutney. "It came down to seasoning."
And Nyesha’s was…

slightly under!
Nyesha gives Baby Face her jacket and they hug. Nyesha is chef coat-less! Wow.

The Eliminated hug them both but holy shit, mang, that means Martha Tripp, Jenna, Flaisher and Colanto…I must ask you to pack your knives and go. Sigh.

Next week- a head to head battle! Sarah Smile vs. Lindsay! And frankly, who cares about anyone else? Let's just pray that one of them leaves just so we can see their face when they go at Baby Face Bev in The Last Chance Kitchen!
Until then, my Friends, don't catch the 'betes...

LOGUE Grayson
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
DAISY Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food


  1. Me too! I really wanted Nyesha to smash them all!

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