Thursday, January 12, 2012

"It's still on my palette a little bit."

I live!
I survived the Master Cleanse! I am now on a diet of puréed butternut squash and maybe tomorrow (hold your breath) a baked apple! Hurrah!
As Past Poolers may recall, I (like Q) loved strained plums when I was in junior high and used to buy the Gerber product all the time so this doesn’t faze me at all. In fact I’m kinda digging it, yay!
But forget my squeaky clean colon, it’s time for the TC episode that spawned at least three copies…
Restaurant Wars!

The Palm Door is a totally empty space when the chefs enter. Grayson realizes what’s afoot and the surprise is over.

Apparently from the way he's dressed, Unibrow is going to sell them bibles and they must host a revival!
I keed! Pads (in possibly the ugliest dress this season) tells them it’s time for Restaurant Wars battle of the sexes style! Ooooo!
Coke Mouth says Sarah knows flavor but “we all know her weakness is barbequing in the sun.” Oh Snap!
Mickey Spillane twist this season: the chefs will dine in each other’s restaurants and each challenge is on a separate night. Pads flips a coin: Boys first, Girls second.
Unibrow tells them they must make a 3 Course Menu with two choices for 100 guests; someone must run the front of the house; and each chef has to make at least one dish. They have 5 hours to cook AND decorate the restaurants and 45 minutes to menu plan. Everyone laughs nervously.
I think they really are trying to kill these Doods! Lookit poor Grayson, she’s still exhausted from the BBQ challenge!

Coke Mouth says he can handle the front of the house since he owns his own restaurant and it’s much easier to take from the till whenever he wants a fiver for rock.
Street Foods offers up ‘Canteen’ as a name and concept. (So cute! When he and I have our country home we’ll call it the Cantina and serve drinks in stainless steel canteens with straps so you guys can wear them slung around your shoulders! Adorable right?! Oh don’t be mad when the food is lil late getting to the table- we like to have outdoor relations behind the wood shed.)
Girls! Lindsay will do front of the house for their ingredient-driven, organic restaurant and comes up with the name ‘Half Bushel’ since her grandparents owned a peach farm.
Then Sarah Smile morphs into Heather B. and proceeds to shoot down Every Single Thing Baby Face Bev says.
She wants to go elegant with the food. No.
Bev wants to do braised lamb rib. Sarah Smile doubts they’ll have that.
She wants to do roasted beets with goat cheese. Sarah Smile: “They’re on every menu though, beets,






How about I beat your ass?

She asks about short ribs. Sarah Smile: “You wanna do short ribs again.” Grayson asks why not “she’s good at it.” Baby Face says she has to make a dish.
Sarah Smile: “That’s not what I’m saying Bev.”
Really, it’s not?
At this point I don’t know why someone doesn’t shut down Sarah Smile with a comment about teamwork or at least give her an oxygen tank since she seems to be using an awful lot of it.

Both teams shop for décor and hit Whole Foods (1 hour – 4k.) At the TC Hotel that night, they plan and Accessory Chef Chris compares Restaurant Wars to the Kobayashi Maru. CC would you like to explain? CC, a Trekkie, is quite familiar with this concept, Poolers. The short answer: it’s a Starfleet training exercise that tests cadets. That’s really all you need to know because honestly Accessory Chef should have spent time in front of a cookbook instead of a TV.

Coke Mouth sets up tables, chairs, instructs staff, cleans the bathrooms (ew), puts up glassware and runs back to the kitchen to oversee his dish.
Oh this is cute:

This, is not:

Accessory Chef Chris helps Coke Mouth with his almond joy dessert and makes one of his own: cracker jack. He says they’re pulling on people’s memories. Of a canteen?

When the TC branded cooking alarm goes off, guests literally start flowing into the space and Coke Mouth has to hustle.

Several tables are seated, Coke Mouth nicely tells the staff to adjust as he’s already received two tickets without table numbers. And then…TyLor God Of Cooking realizes they didn’t figure out how to delineate who is doing what in the kitchen so all the plates get out. Whoops.
There’s a back up, some guests don’t have their first courses and another remarks that her “wine is warmer than” her meal. Then Pads’ plaid sequiny panted self and the rest of the Mod Squad strolls in.

Oh look, Emeril has returned, BAM! And Pads tells Coke Mouth- well, essentially Us, that BAM, Colicchio and Unibrow either own or operate 39 restaurants across the country. And she has eaten free in all of them.
Coke Mouth says the menu items started from humble beginnings and speaks a little too long about the Canteen concept. When he goes to the kitchen Pads remarks that all the tables look relatively happy.
Emeril: “Nobody’s screamin’.”
Colicchio: “Not yet.”

Actually the servers should get screamed on- one gave a table an extra dish since he didn’t know where it was supposed to go. Street Food asks if God can expedite on the other side of the window.

Pads is immediately not sure what God is doing “out there in his apron.” Notice- the Boys have left the window to the dining room open…
Here come more guests!

Coke Mouth jokes that there’s a six-hour wait. Ummm, don’t jinx yourself, they haven’t received their food yet.

1st course
God’s thai style crab & shrimp salad caramel fish sauce & peanuts is “beautiful” according to Pads. But Unibrow thought the salad was flat and needed acid. Pads liked the shrimp and Colicchio liked the sauce.
Street Food’s ham & pork pate with mushrooms, braised mustard seeds & duck fat crostini and nectarines is adorable!

BAM likes the concept but finds the brioche very greasy. “It’s still on my palette a little bit.” Oh please, we all know it’s from that steak and cheese from d’angelo’s in your Big & Tall Man’s jacket pocket.

Suddenly Street Food starts to expedite (Pads notices) and God goes back to the kitchen. He says he should have done it from beginning but he didn’t want to boss them around and the friendship aspect got in the way. Honey, there’s 125k on the line, boss them bitches out!

2nd Course
God & Street Food - poached salmon in warm tomato water, clams, salmon skin & tomatillo jam. Unibrow asks where the mushrooms are, Street Food realizes they forgot them.
Street Food - crispy skin pork belly with green apple & sweet potato purée. Colicchio says he was expecting more flavor from Street Food’s food. Uh oh.

Coke Mouth - almond joy cake with malted chocolate mousse, toasted almonds, Japanese spice (that he made) and banana coconut purée.
Colicchio loves it but doesn’t know where the coconut is. Emeril: “Pack it on the side.” No comment.
Accessory Chef Chris - homemade cracker jack, cherries & peanut butter ice cream (that’s been frozen in nitro.)

Emeril isn’t crazy about it, but Colicchio calls it wacky and he and Pads both love that it was so salty and sweet. Pads says the diners are using the TC Judge’s Table app (Lauren Zalanick, head of Bravo, you’ve done it again.)
And as the girls eat, Sarah says they have to stay calm when it’s their turn. Lindsay “we have to trust each other.” Yah right.

At the TC Hotel, Street Food is tough on himself. (Awww!) He knows the dish he did with God wasn’t seasoned correctly but also knows that’s not on him. God says they should have had one person expedite from the beginning. Accessory Chef Chris thinks they’ll be judged as a group and it’ll be fine. God tells the Girls this is the toughest thing they’ll do in their career. Coke Mouth says (to Camera) his only hope is that the Girls’ blow up at each other and screw up worse than we did. Methinks that’s a definite…

Lindsay sets up the front of the house as fast as she can saying us she was Prom Queen. Um, Unless a float is serving the meal that doesn’t mean shit, thick neck. Sarah Smile is doing two dishes, Grayson two, Lindsay is doing the front of the house so Baby Face will execute her halibut dish and her own braised short ribs.
Lindsay explains how she wants the halibut done, it’s not how Baby Face would cook it.

Then Heather B. comes out of Sarah Smile’s mouth:

“Grayson why are you cutting blueberries? I really think we gotta get set up.”
Grayson says she is, she’s doing her dishes. Sarah Smile: “But you can’t leave them whole?!”
Grayson swears at her and Sarah yells that they need to simplify their dishes.
Grayson: “Okay, maybe if you’d ask in a different fucking way.” Then she calls her whiny. (Yes!)

When Half Bushel is set up it basically looks a lot like Canteen except for the kinda cute logo which you’d most likely read as Half Basket unless you know that’s a bushel.

Oh here’s another version. Eh. Looks like someone just learned Quark.

People start streaming in and, just like the Boys, no one is expediting, just Lindsay slogging around the front.
Sarah Smile asks if Baby Face Bev found something Sarah was looking for. Baby Face finds her voice: “If you wanted those earlier you should have took them out.” (Yeah!)
Sarah Smile: “Beverly, Beverly…you’re here to help the team, this is not how we’re gonna start service, I thought you were gonna focus, do the best food that we can…”
What a condescending medicine ball headed twat!
Thankfully Bev knows she’s being treated like a child but she apologizes to Sarah who really needs an enema at this point. Well, technically about a year ago.

When the Judge’s enter they stand around waiting to be seated. Lindsay is back in the kitchen. Pads (in a much hotter outfit than the previous two) elects to try the lemonade that’s out front for guests.

Now you know Pads don’t pour her own lemonade. Someone is gettin' beheaded.

Lindsay seats them but then there’s no one to greet the Boys when they arrive. They notice the lit candles on the wall since there’s not much else to do. Unibrow mentions that the window to the kitchen is closed so they can’t see into the kitchen like they did yesterday.

I wonder if that strategy or they were just too busy to notice? Oh I see, it makes it easier for them to bitch each other out.

A waiter asks Pads if she’s “thinking ya’ll are ready to do two of everything” while Lindsay ignores the nine people waiting to be seated and gets feedback that her halibut dish is overcooked. She goes directly to the kitchen and chides Baby Face.
Right away Colicchio notices there’s no energy compared to the Boys yesterday and the Judges’ still haven’t been served. Finally the food comes.

1st Course
Grayson – peach salad with pickled shallots, bacon vinaigrette, crumbled goat cheese & candied pistachios (Hm, so Sarah Smile didn’t want Baby Face Bev doing a beet and goat cheese salad but peach and goat cheese is okay?)
Sarah Smile – mozzarella filled arancino (Italian risotto), sweet & sour eggplant & celery salad.
Colicchio thought Grayson did a really nice job. The Boys remark the dishes were simple but good. Coke Mouth was hoping they’d screw up. Then there’s another long wait

Lindsay tells the kitchen that the judges’ are “friggin pissed” that they don’t have their entrees, Sarah is not smiling and yells she’ll go out there if she needs her to. Grayson yells for them to stop. Sarah is behind on tickets but Lindsay finds time to come back in and chastise Bev for plating with “a fucking plastic spoon” instead of a big one: “Come on guys we’re chefs.” She tells Sarah she has to find time to help Bev. My Word!
Then she delivers the second course and turns into a totally different person. A nice one.

Second Course
Bev - Braised short rib with Thai basil potato purée, apple slaw with kimchi & curried peanuts. Unibrow says it’s the most flavorful thing he’s had in two days of eating.
Lindsay – grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo, fennel & sherry salad. Colicchio thought it was overcooked and he wanted more flavor from the chorizo. Grayson starts trashing desserts since it’s ice cream and she started plating and no one’s expediting and no one is coming to get them. Explosion time!

Grayon’s schaum torte with vanilla meringue & champagne berries was loved by- Whoa! You’re not at the dentist Emeril!

Good God, Man, do you know you’re on television?

No not tomorrow, now! You’re on television, NOW!

Sarah – hazelnut cream Italian doughnuts with banana sugar glaze. Unibrow says the doughnuts were rich, heavy and leaden. Ow.

Lindsay goes back to the kitchen and says she’s really pissed she wasn’t back there because her dish was the worst. “No one’s eating it, I’m throwing it in the garbage. Yeah because it’s all fucking overcooked.”

That’s Bev there on the right btw. Yah.
Grayson stands up for her and says it was probably the wrong cooking procedure to tell you the truth.
Yeah Grayson! Screw thick neck!

In the Stew Room, Bev tries to stand up for herself (finally) and Lindsay says “If I took it out on you I apologize but you were fucking up my dish” THEN Sarah Smile (Classic Instigator) says Lindsay helped Bev with HER dish for a long time AND helped conceptualize it! OMG.
Bev calmly lists what ideas for the dish were hers. Sarah Smile: “No I’m not saying, I’m not saying…”
Lindsay: “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, this is driving me fucking nuts.” I wish I could tell you Snoop Dogg entered at that moment and began to sing 'Deeez Nuuuts.' Alas, he did not.

Pads asks to see…the Girls…?
She grills Lindsay about what was going on with the front of the house and people not being seated. Lindsay sweats and says they had a build up in the kitchen.

Pads: “Do you think you did better than the boys?”
They say Yes. And-
They did! Wow!
The Judge’s compliment the dishes but do mention Lindsay’s fish was slightly overcooked. SLAM! (It could just be editing, maybe they said something good and bad about everyone’s dish but I don’t care, Lindsay has panty grout.)
The winner of the challenge?

Baby Face Bev!
She gets a 2-day trip to Napa and a 3-liter bottle of wine! YAY! Grayson is the ONLY one who claps and hugs her.

When they get back to the Stew Room, Sarah Smile: “We would not be here, Lindsay, if it wasn’t for you. And I think you deserve as much praise if not more.”

Man, if you close your eyes she even SOUNDS like Heather B.!

Unibrow says they didn’t get a ‘wow factor’ with the food. Like he wanted the pork belly to stand up on the plate and smack his unibrow off?
Additionally, all the diners who used the TC app picked Canteen at the worst (really?! Street Food, Honey, you should have been on the floor!)
God’s dishes were under seasoned, the dish he was responsible for missed the mark, his Thai dish should have had Thai flavors, it was weak. Colicchio asks why Accessory Chef Chris did so little when Street Food did so much. He says he wanted to concentrate on the dessert but Unibrow says it looked like a mess. Coke Mouth’s dessert didn’t have enough coconut, he shouldn’t have called it Almond Joy. Street Food’s croutons were soaked in oil. My Future Husband drops his head. Colicchio says all of them could go home but Pads asks..
God to pack his knives and go…

God knows he’ll be a better chef for making it this far, you can tell he just wants to sleep. But we all know there’s No Sleep Til Last Chance Kitchen…!
When Nyesha sees TyLor she says there were two she wanted to go up against specifically: Heather B. (slain earlier) and Ty because they both made her feel uncomfortable but specifically: “that kid has been extremely rude to me.” Word? They Cut To Ty saying: “Either have something good to put on the plate or shut the fuck up.”
Wait that was directed at Nyesha? Well let’s mash God then!

The challenge? Make dessert in 30 minutes but they get help.
Here come The Eliminated!

(Yes Accessory Chef Richie is wearing a full on gas station attendant jumpsuit.) Nyesha wants to pick Whitney cause she’s her girl but “clearly it’s becoming personal at this point” so she picks Heather B. to bust up Ty’s potential love fest since they’re besties and Heather B. was his Sous!
Heather B.: “Oh!”

God is disappointed. He picks Chris C. trying to cover by saying he and Chris know each other very well. Yeah you were both recently in the bottom.
Nyesha decides to do something fruit based and (with Heather B.’s help) to do a coconut lime tart. God wants to do a “dark chocolate whipped cream mascarpone affair.”
God (To Camera) thinks Nyesha is talented but she’s even more so with Heather B. (Yawn.)

Chris C. burns the first batch of caramel sauce thus cementing the reason why he’s one of The Eliminated.
10 Minutes!
Nyesha toasts coconut.
5 Minutes!
God says he’s going to win this competition.

Nyesha presents a coconut and lime tart with coconut crème fraiche mousse with a salted caramel sauce. When Colicchio asks if it’s totally hers she says it was a collaboration.
God intros a his salted puff pastry with dark chocolate mascarpone cream, vanilla bean rum cherries & caramel sauce. (To Camera) he says that he knows what Colicchio will appreciate and what flavor profiles he likes. Oh so that’s why you went so far in the competition.

Colicchio is floored. He actually says that! He calls them both restaurant ready desserts. Sure Nyesha’s mousse could have been a little more flavorful and God’s chocolate wasn’t punchy enough. But if he had to go back and have one one more time…

Hot Damn! God is naked! No for reals!

But that does mean that CC, I must ask you to pack your knives and your phaser and go.
For the cherry on top: Colicchio reveals to Nyesha: “Three more and you’re back in the competition.”
Next week , she gets another shot and Charlize Theron shows up for a seven-course tasting dinner and to plug her new movie (YOUNG ADULT) or fragrance (Dior) or…breasts?
See you then!

LOGUE Grayson
TRIPP Nyesha
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MAUREEN Lindsay and Nyesha
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth
KRISTEN K Lindsay and Nyesha
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Nyesha and Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
JENNA Nyesha
DAISY Nyesha and Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food


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