Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"My meat's hard and dry."

Howdy Poolers!
I am typing on my brand new "computah" (as pronounced by My Mama.) Thus far I am not having the orgasmic time I thought I would. I'll spare you the 400-800 firewire/faulty Microsoft Word/non-Migration Assistant working sheet though I will say Stripes has been helpful.
Perhaps I will come to love this machine as I now love and respect my iPhone. That only took me seven months. Right now I'm thinking that slow ass MacBook that doubled as a space heater whenever I put it on my lap wasn't so bad. But enough of my truly (when you think about it) lucky problems. Let's have some cloudy Momokawa sake and dive in!

Still drinking in the Stew Room (what does a chef's liver look like, really?) Grayson says she's gonna miss Baby Face Bev but knows that some won't. Coke Mouth makes a joke, he says he's Bev, uses a water bottle as 'fish' and then looks at Lindsay and says "Here's your halibut" and tosses the bottle aside.

Dood, I thought Baby Face was your friend?
Lindsay says don't screw with my food when you're "representing me" and my neck "and I'm representing you."
Then the Queen returns…

Charlize is in the Stew Room, ya'll! Mostly likely the dirtiest room that's not a set made to look like a dirty room she's stepped into in a long time. CT thanks them again for the meal, says she is a fan and that she was blown away (nice. Can't argue with that. Kinda makes you wanna see her Product Placement Movie now doesn't it?) The chef's toast and Coke Mouth hides his boner.

The next morning Pads, in a LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN lumberjack shirtdress, stands next to BAM and Cat Cora. Cat is the new host of Bravo's 'Around the World In 80 Plates.'

Oh hey, that's what happened to her, Brownie! Brownie was wondering why Cat wasn't on Iron Chef anymore. Homegirl jumped from The Food Network to Bravo. I'm sure it's a bigger money train. And I bet Alton Brown wants to impale her. (And then roast her chicory wood-style.)
Pads divides them into three teams of two: Coke Mouth & Street Food (Street feels like he's bad luck since they lose whenever they're paired up- Honey, feel better about yourself. I do.); Grayson & Accessory Chef Chris and the Mean Girls.

The Quickfire Challenge
Prep ingredients (mise en place style) and make a dish with the remaining time.
Pads explains (in the most horribly dubbed voice over in Top Chef History (yeah I went there)) that each team has 40 minutes to peel, devein and butterfly two pounds of shrimp (whoa), shuck a CRATE of corn (huh?) and make a POUND of perfect fetticine (Jesus!) Once the Judge's approve the work, the team's can make a dish.
No immunity at stake (for the rest of the series- yo) but the winners split 10k.

Grayson chats with the Judge's as they watch her devein. She says she's heard the male shrimp are dirtier than the females (Har. Bet their bathrooms are messier too.) Lindsay says when you chat, you waste time. Well I dunno about all th- SHRIMP CHECK! Lindsay is approved and moves on.
Oh snap!
Now everyone steps it up. Grayson does so by telling Accessory Chef Chris to hurry up. Accessory hates that. Street Food asks for a corn check- too many kernels left on the cob, he has to continue cutting. Accessory gets a corn check. Grayson adds too much moisture to her dough then too much flour -she's in hand crank hell. Coke Mouth gets a pasta check but Sarah Smile & Lindsay have already started cooking. Coke Mouth & Street Food aren't close behind but at least they're second; Grayson & Accessory Chef finally finish and only have 8 minutes to make a dish!
He scrambles and deep fries bacon, Grayson screams for butter for their pasta.
One Minute!
Sarah Smile & Lindsay high five each other and stand around in supreme meanness. Grayson & Accessory just about make it. Street Food & Coke Mouth have a dish but…No Shrimp.
Pads: "Whaaat?!"

Pads: "Nooo!"
Street Food apologizes and says it's completely on him. He left it by the sauté pan. They can't win! And, according to Murphy's Cooking Law, it's too bad because they probably would have. Sigh.

Cat says Sarah & Lindsay's cornmeal on top of the shrimp and pasta was tasty but the tarragon- a little much. BAM says Grayson & Accessory's chili and bacon with shrimp and pasta was nice, Cat throws in that they could have used the wood burning oven to give it more flavor. (Really, Cat? You're just gonna start looking around the kitchen and picking out equipment they could have used. Well, she is an Iron Chef but they have Sous! Also, I never understand how their Sous already seem to know what they're going to make without much discussion but…
The winners?
Grayson & Accessory Chef Chris!
HA HA Mean Girls Suck!

Sarah Smile: "Our pasta was better, unfortunately Cat didn't like tarragon." Enough, chick. A minute ago you were all on Cat's pocketbook now you're chastising her for not liking tarragon.

Elimination Challenge
Their partner's are now…you guessed it, their opponents. KAPOW!
To support the San Antonio Food Bank (hm, I think the crate of corn and pounds of fresh pasta and shrimp they just deveined and Didn't Friggin use would provide a very nice meal for a lot of hungry people) the non-teams must serve 200 guests-

-at a block party. Each chef and their opponent will make a version of the same dish-

-the guests will be choosing their favorite from each pair. The dishes with the least amount of votes face elimination.

They must immediately decide what they'll make. Street Food & Coke Mouth decide to go head to head with
Asian beef BBQ & pickled veggies. (Yeah, bring it!) Grayson takes the lead on the decision train and & Accessory lets her, they'll make- chicken salad sand- CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICHES? with watermelon salad (WTH kinda sheet…) Sarah Smile & Lindsay decide on meatballs with a salad. Honestly, what is happening here?
Pads says those sound great but a little on the heavy side.
Sarah Smile: "Uh oh."
Product Placement demands they make healthy versions of those dishes! The winner will receive 15k but who gives a crap, this is gonna be tough! Make a healthy version of a heavy meal for 200 people with 2.5 hours to cook?

40 Minutes To Shop/$600
Grayson enlists the help of two butchers, one pushes a carriage through the store after her, another run to the back to get the meat she needs. That's a first. Street Food gets turkey instead of beef for his Korean kalbi, Coke Mouth is jealous. Accessory notices Grayson has dark meat and mayo in her carriage, all the stuff he's Not using since he's going healthy.

At The TC House, Coke Mouth admits Street Food couldn't sleep and, like he always does during challenges, began pacing and that kept him up. I got something that'll put Street Food to sleep. Sweetest sleep in the world.

They prep at the Culinary Institute. Accessory makes a tofu mayo that has no mayo in it at all that he's tricked people into thinking has mayo- David Blaine-ing it! Lindsay is so stressed she has a hat on-

Gross.
Grayson asks Accessory to help her get her food on the rollaway tray and…he does? Suckah. He gets mad at a chair and throws it. Get mad at yourself!

45 Minutes to set up OUTSIDE in the heat!
Accessory has made all of his sandwiches. Grayson is going to make each one to order. Street Food is worried about being ahead. Coke Mouth has rolled his own steam buns for bread. (For reals?) As guests' arrive, he lets them make an open face sandwich but has to monitor them to make sure they only take one piece of bread. One kid runs off with five. It's hot out! Is it bad that I want Sarah Smile to faint? Whoa, who's' the mean girl now? Shit's contagious.

Before the guests eat they all leave donations for Feeding America (say like Brad Pitt in BURN AFTER READING "Awww, that's cool.")
Then, suddenly, BEE ATTACK!
Ten hang out near Accessory's blender and chunks of pineapple he's left on the table.

He's freaked since he swells up pretty bad when he's bitten (ahhh, that's called being allergic. I had this friend who said, I love apples and cherries but they make the inside of my mouth itch. Me: "Um, you're allergic. Put the apple cherry pie down.")
btw why Accessory didn't just chuck the pineapple chunks somewheres else I dunno. Hold up- here come the Judges!
Dana Cowin (you remember, Linda Hunt, don't you Poolers?) from Food & Wine Magazine; Pads (in shorts!); Cat Cora; BAM and Colicchio looking like someone's bored, pregnant Uncle.



Street Food presents his turkey kalbi with eggplant on lettuce and white peach kimchi using no sugar, agave and low sodium soy sauce. BAM thinks using turkey is brilliant. Cat says he did everything you needed to to build flavor versus fat.

Coke Mouth presents his more traditional kalbi (made with beef short ribs), open faced with kimchi chipotle puree, pickled cucumber, fennel & daikon. Lovely looking.

But Cat's beef was chewy, Colicchio says there was too much meat. BAM says Coke Mouth tried. Pads (with blank face): "My meat's hard and dry."

Grayson intros her chicken salad sammy (I still can't believe she picked a chicken salad sandwich) on whole wheat with arugula, pickled red onion and a feta watermelon salad with toasted pumpkin seeds. She says there's very little mayo and it's olive oil mayo to boot. (Nice try.) BAM likes that she did her sammys to order. Cat says her salad needed acid and Linda Hunt says there wasn't any flavor.

Accessory presents his chicken salad sammy with homemade tofu mayo, red lettuce and watermelon fruit salad with pineapple ice on top and bees. (I'm kidding about the bees.) Colicchio likes the tofu mayo but thinks he should have made the sammys to order, the bread was dried out. Pads liked Accessory's salad. Yawn.

Mean Girls!
Sarah Smile's calabrese style turkey meatball & veggie salad with shaved fennel, squash blossoms and arugula. It's basically a giant meatball on a plate with a wedge of cheese on top. Boooo! BAM loves the meatball and the salad. Colicchio thinks the salad is perfect. Linda Hunt says they received different salads because hers was just lettuce and nothing else. Don't mess with Food & Wine Magazine, yo.

Lindsay's Mediterranean meatball (lean veal and lamb bound with lemon yogurt) and black-eyed peas & quinoa greek salad is a gray plate of bumps.

Colicchio thought her meatball had tons of flavor. Most seemed to agree.

Linda Hunt says the two healthiest dishes they had were the best. Pads is interested to see what the guests preferred (yep, that's what happens when you open it up to the diners, someone gets effed. Haven't you learned that by now, Bravo?)

Stew Room
Pads asks to see Grayson, Street Food and Lindsay. According to the guests…
they had…
the Winning Dishes!
(Oh, I guess one of the Mean Girls has to stay, right?)
Colicchio asks if Grayson thought she could win with a chicken salad sandwich. She says she thinks it's possible.
Grayson: "You think it's boring?"

"Yah. And you have to win this against other dishes that are more exciting than a chicken salad sandwich."

Grayson: "Like a meatball?"
MEATBALL SLAM!

Cat Cora laughs.
Oddly there's only one cutaway to Lindsay during this exchange and it's a profile shot and she's still wearing that hat and I refuse to show that again. Grayson says she thought she could make an elevated chicken salad sandwich.
Well.
Apparently Colicchio didn't think Grayson should be there. I'll say it again: that's what happens when you open it up to the diners, Bravo, someone gets effed. Don't let the people decide. Be a palette racist next time.

Finally, Cat announces the winner…
Street Food!!!
OMG we're buying a house on Kauai with all this Top Chef money!!!

In the Stew Room after Coke Mouth, Sarah Smile and Accessory go in to get the business; Grayson says she felt brutalized for making a chicken salad sandwich. "I kinda feel like I should be in there. Maybe I should be in there."
Walk in, drunk girl. See what happens.

The Judges' chop down Coke Mouth first for making bread with "empty calories" and not having a perfect dish. Colicchio says his decision to trim the fat from the dish was to trim the fat from the short ribs and that's the tastiest part.
Accessory is berated for not making the sandwiches to order and letting them sit in the sun.
They tell Sarah Smile her meatball was turkey but it had cheese. Thus: what's the point? It's the Healthy Choice Product Placement Thingamabob. Not Lardo Cheese-A-Thon 2011. They're dismissed.
As they chop it up Colicchio says "Time and time again" Accessory has good ideas but can't execute. And, in the end,
Pads asks Accessory to pack his knives and go.
Dammit! I wanted Sarah Smile outta there!
Accessory says the mistakes he made were stupid. Grayson says it's her fault and she shouldn't have picked the chicken salad. (Dood, even people who pick chicken salad for lunch realize they shouldn't have picked it. Come on!)
But maybe Accessory Chef Chris has time to add more accessories. He goes to the TC House, grabs a beer (always with the beverages, these guys), then sees the letter: "here's your chance to make it right. Please join me in the kitchen."
Accessory goes to…
oh no he didn't…

…the kitchen in the TC House.
Well, here's a first. One he won't live down. Finally he figures it out-
It's The Last Chance Kitchen!

Colicchio: "Each week we've held head to head cook offs…"
Accessory: "For what?"
Well well, Mr. Buddinski. Why don't you shaddap and listen for a change?
Colicchio explains the dilly, Accessory says (to Camera) Baby Face Bev doesn't scare him and then in walk The Eliminated.
Accessory Chef Chris: "I get to see Richie for the first time in…weeks…

Accessory Chef Chris: "and…I miss him…"

Cue the friggin violins. Really what's up with these kids?
Accessory Chef Richie says his Accessorized Brethren is going to take it. Nyesha admits that Baby Face Bev is strong. Either way this is it. Whoever wins here only has to beat one other chef next week and they're back in the competition!

The Challenge
Use a mystery box at your station to cook a dish in thirty minutes. As more mystery ingredients arrive they have to incorporate those too. It's Chopped on steroids!

They have marshmallow, pine nuts and lamb. Huh?
Another box arrives: radicchio. Then another: white anchovies.
The Eliminated count it down as they run about. Time for the Tasting!
Baby Face Bev presents a grilled lamb chop with parsnips, curry with lime garlic and white anchovy vinaigrette on radicchio.
Bev: "It definitely was a unique challenge and I had fun, I had fun."
You're not on the Today Show, Hon. Chill.
Accessory Chef Chris intros his grilled lamp chop with sweet puree, radicchio salad with pancetta, pine nuts and apple.
Colicchio says both the ingredients and the plate presentations were similar. He found both proteins perfectly cooked and seasoned but one didn't hit the mark as well as the other and the winner is- Baby Face Bev!

Colicchio does say that Accessory Chef Chris' dish was the best he made in the competition. But who cares cause you know what that means, Pooler. Colucci, I must ask you to pack your knives and your headbands and your headlamp and your glasses and your bright colored courier bag and go.

Next Week- Pee Wee Herman! Hooooray!

TOP CHEF TEXAS!
LOGUE Grayson
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MAUREEN Lindsay
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Coke Mouth
LB Coke Mouth
KRISTEN K Lindsay
ED K Street Food
BROWNIE Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
STRIPES Lindsay
DAISY Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food

Thursday, January 19, 2012

"Wow, my heads' are spinnin."

Howdy Poolahs!

Before we get started a lil news- former TC and resident yeller, Angry Dale, has a restaurant opening in Park Slope!
http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2011/07/dale_talde.html
And his gf is vegan so that means I might be able to eat something thing there! This link is from Jet, raise your hand if you want potato chip-crusted cookies w/caramel ganache! Friggin yum!
http://www.thrillist.com/food/new-york/ny/11215/brooklyn/talde_asian_bbq_lunch?utm_content=main_image&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_term=New%20York&utm_campaign=1.12.12%20NY%3A%20Talde

In other news, Ellie Lee offers a link about Paula Deen’s shocker. If you haven’t yet heard, she has diabetes and is now touting ‘betes medicine like butter sticks. Anthony (Bourdain) no likey!
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-57361086-10391698/anthony-bourdain-criticizes-paula-deen-again-after-diabetes-announcement/
Ellie: “Bourdain's comment about her signature dish being a hamburger using a donut for a bun is NOT a joke. That's actually something she promotes on her show! GROSS! She made $10 million dollars last year from the sales of cookbooks & crap associated with her show. So she makes people sick with her fatty foods, for 3 years doesn't tell anyone she has diabetes, and goes public now with her disease because she's gonna make money selling diabetes medication. Repulsive! I love Bourdain for calling her out.”
Here’s another link she sent for good measure:
http://articles.boston.com/2012-01-17/ae/30636260_1_diabetes-drug-chef-paula-deen-health-conscious-recipes
But let’s be clear here, Ellie Lee, I love Bourdain too! So now we will fight over Tony AND Michael Voltaggio. I better start my roadwork. I wonder if I can get boxing gloves that look like oven mitts Don't bite that!

And now, on with the show!
In the Stew Room, the Boys congratulate Baby Face Bev on her win. Guess who’s still chewing her cud?

Sarah Smile thinks Lindsay was the glue that held them together in Restaurant Wars and should have won. Maybe if her dish was called “Front Of The House.”
Colicchio enters and tells them they’re headed back to San Antonio. No sleep AGAIN!? Honestly some poor, over-tired chef is going to leap from a building into a pot of boiling water.

In the Boy’s car they chat it up.
In the girl’s car, crickets.

Let it go, Lindsay, Lordy!

They get to the kitchen to find hot ass white-haired, jillionaire Eric Ripert next to an equally hot paper-thin pant suited Pads.

My God if they had children their skin alone would glow like sunlight and taste like cashew brittle. Delicious!

The Quickfire Challenge
30 minutes to create a dish using three ingredients from a conveyor belt. Better ingredients will roll out as time progresses but then that will cut down on their cooking time. At stake, immunity.

Some start to cook, others stand by the conveyor belt. Ed grabs macadamia nuts and sauerkraut and then realizes he screwed himself. Accessory Chef Chris starts, barely looks at the belt. Sarah Smile and Street Food wait for something good to come out. Accessory Chef Chris sees lobster but when he runs to the belt it disappears and doesn’t come back.
Five minutes left!
Sarah Smile is the only one who hasn’t picked anything or started cooking. She gets saltines. Accessory Chef Chris misses the lobsters, again! Lindsay waits until the last possible minute and grabs grouper and clams. Bev forgets to add her curry rice krispies to her dish. Ripert asks to taste it anyway and says it’s nice. Coke Mouth suggests (to Camera) that she should have cheated. Sarah Smile has cottage cheese, saltines and artichokes and what does she make? What she always makes (according to Ellie Lee and this is true) something deep-fried. Um, hello, she made two fried dishes in Restaurant Wars! Deep-frying does not a chef make! (Maybe we should start calling her Baby Paula Deen?)

Ripert’s Least Faves (say this with a thick, sexy French accent, won’t you? ) Accessory Chef Chris’ lobster and foie gras with cauliflower and vanilla “deeded really come to-gather;” Grayson’s overpowering cheddar cheese Goldfish crust on Dover sole “I couldn’t taste da feud after a while,” Street Food’s Wonder Bread, saffron and bitter melon “was knot reely ap-eeling because of the bitterness of the melon.”

Ripert’s Faves: Sarah Smile’s fried soft shell crab with ingredients of cottage cheese, saltines and artichokes, “the fact that you ewezed cheese to make a sauce with herbs was interesting and a surprise;” Lindsay’s harmonious bouillabaisse of grouper, clams and Pernod; and then Pads drops the shocker- if Baby Face Bev were able to get all three components (black eyed peas, tofu and rice krispies) on her plate she would have” won by a mile.”

Dammit Baby Face! Now Sarah Smile or Thick Neck wins immunity!
And the annoying Mean Girl winner is…Thick Neck.
Instead of just taking the win, Lindsay says (to Camera) it’s a backhanded compliment because Baby Face came in first. Honey, I’ll let you taste some backhand. I have it right here. Lemme just rub it in some feces first.

Elimination Challenge
Create a gothic feast fit for a Queen. And then, in floats Charlize Theron, TC fan and star of Product Placement movie: SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. Sarah Smile gives her best, surprised Price Is Right face on cue.

(Charlize thought she was gonna win a Golden Globe last Sunday for YOUNG ADULT- alas she lost to Meryl Streep (IRON LADY.) Get used to it, kid. We’ll all lose to Meryl someday (and like it!)) And, I say again, we will all work for Ryan Seacrest-
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/ryan-seacrest-tv-network-mark-cuban-283019?utm_source=SilverpopMailing&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Compose%20-%20headlines-011812%20%281%29&utm_content=
Do Not Doubt The Crest!

Pause Moment! As Charlize enters, Ripert makes a mental note to get divorced immediately and Pads gives her that “I wore a pantsuit as you requested in your rider” smile.

Coke Mouth: “Wow, my heads' are spinning.”
(Now, perhaps he actually said “a-spinnin’” (I rewound it three times, it’s hard to tell with his coke mouth) but I like the double entendre above better.
Charlize tells everyone she plays the Queen in the Product Placemen movie, is basically “a serial killer” in the tale, and wants to see indulgent, risk-taking dishes fit for the evil Queen. She also suggests “take out your competition.” Then Sarah Smile smothers Baby Face Bev with a corn tortilla!
I keed. I am keeder.

After shopping (30 minutes/$250), everyone discusses their dishes in the TC House and Accessory Chef Chris calls “his love, his wife.”
Oh, he went accessory-less for the nuptials.

His wife tells him to “give them hell.”
In the livingroom, Street Food asks his fellow chefs to be respectful of spaces and not take things off other people’s stations. Huh. Lindsay relates this to Baby Face Bev’s cooking style. Grayson says Bev is a “bulldog.” Tiny but crazy.

In The Kitchen!
Coke Mouth makes a white sauce and a black sauce, “the classic struggle between good and evil” (Racist!) Street Food has 14 components (wow!) and thinks everyone underestimates Baby Face’s ability. Sarah Smile makes lamb hearts (ew.) Grayson has never worked with black chicken before (of course) it’s lean and will get hard if you cook it too long. Sounds awful, though, in my day, I was known to chew a chicken bone long after the meat was gone. (That sounds durty.)
btw-this is preeeetty much what I would imagine the anger in Heather B.’s body looks like. Or potentially her heart.

Hey, name this movie this line is from: “Come back, black chicken! Leave us an egg or something!”

Here come the Judges- Pads in a deep purple satin strapless number with straight hair, BAM (he lives!), Sexy ass Eric Ripert, Colicchio and no, no Unibrow because he would prolly gush all over the gorgeous guest of honor…


Coke Mouth presents tuna tartare with black garlic ponzu & Asian pear vinaigrette topped with fried fish scales. It looks kinda like a doo doo with parsley.

But people seem to dig it. Especially the fish scales.

Street Food’s enchanted forest with bloody beet handprint gets an “Ooooo! Wow.” from Charlize. She thinks it’s beautiful and scary. (Don’t try to get with my man!)

The forest is a mix of Foie gras and bacon with strawberries, pumpernickel, pickled cherries and beets. BAM says it has potential problems (what?!) but it all came together. Ripert loves the pickled jalapenos.

The dinner conversation is polite with everyone letting Charlize take the lead. Pads poses some questions and CT steps on her a little bit but honestly, who wouldn't want to be stepped on by her?

Baby Face compares her seared white halibut to Snow White and the red curry coulis (“blood”) & forbidden black rice (“black heart.”) It looks tame in presentation but the halibut is cooked perfectly and Colicchio likes the rice.

Lindsay didn’t use any “wicked ingredients” like organs or a heart because she doesn't have one herself. Just seeing if you were paying attention. Naw, she wouldn’t have been comfortable with the offals (which I like to pronounce as "awful.") Her seared scallop over witch’s stew (with braised short rib) & dragon beans is cooked perfectly and smells divine. Pads says Lindsay may not have needed immunity with a dish like that.

Sarah Smile is the most proud of any dish she’s made. Her Amarone risotto (she soaked the grains in the wine to make them red but honestly it looks brown to me) with lamb heart currants sunchoke and thyme are called "flavorful" by Ripert. Colicchio thinks it’s delicious. Charlize wants to eat more heart. Did I mention she's in the market for a bf?

Grayson wasn’t sure how far she was supposed to go with the "wicked" theme (everyone keeps saying that which makes me think of the play) and Accessory Chef Chris says her plate looks like a slaughterhouse.

Black chicken with roasted beets, quail egg & foie gras. The table responds with: “Whoooa. Wow.” They all agree it’s crispy and delicious and “she went there.”

Accessory Chef Chris knows he’s been accused of being a little gimmicky in the past and tonight…

…is no exception.
He presents the last course (a dessert!)

His apple pie/cherry pie poisoned apple has granola, pie shell, puffed rice crispy as maggots, a worm coming out, basil and cinnamon and nitro apple powder to cast a spell.

BAM did not fart. That is nitro.
Hey, have we ever seen Colicchio react like this?

Coliccho: “Oh, God, awesome.”
They all agree it tastes delicious and love the bloody surprise inside.

Ripert says this is one of the best meals he’s ever had on Top Chef.
BAM: “There were a few things that were just a little out of step.”
Ripert delivers a death look.

Honestly, I’ve never heard more accolades bandied about for a TC meal. Colicchio says it’s going to come down to those “small things.” Charlize asks if she gets the head of the Top Chef on a silver platter. I’m sure Coke Mouth will oblige…

Judges' Table!
Pads asks to see all of them and Colicchio says it was one of the finest meals he’s ever eaten.
See what happens when you just let them cook, without teams and Bravo?!
Charlize (she’s actually there, Ripert is not) says the meal was spectacular.
Coke Mouth: “We’re here to please you.”

Charlize: “Oh wow!”


Compliments flow like water but finally, Charlize announces the winner…
Street Food, YAY!
He gets two ticket to the world premiere of SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN.
(Two movie tickets? Farts. He and I were hoping for a weekend getaway...)
Pads then announces that Coke Mouth, Lindsay and Accessory Chef Chris…are...
safe.
The bottom three are Sarah Smile, Baby Face Bev and Grayson.

Charlize is gracious in her comments, starting with praise and then dropping a little bad news: she received a real hit of salt from Sarah’s risotto. Sarah Smile says that’s how she’s always cooked it. Then: “I truly love and breathe and eat and sleep food.” (Too easy. No comment.)

Colicchio mentions that Baby Face’s arrowroot was sticky. Baby Face says she wanted to go more elegant. Meaning sticky? Charlize says the sauce was a weird texture, Baby Face says it was fine when she tasted it. Colicchio: “Maybe if it were served hot.”
Ouch.
And now comes the “I have something special in my heart/I’m doing this for my family/I have so much to offer/it’s coming from my heart. Thank you.” speech.

(See what you started with the begging, Sarah Smile?)


Colicchio thought the quail eggs on Grayson’s plate could have been cooked a little more. Charlize says her greens were salty. Pads didn’t think she needed the foie gras. BAM says don’t tease him with foie gras. “If you’re gonna give me foie gras, give me foie gras.” Like a bucket of it.
No, not the little outdoor citron candle bucket, a bucket you might use for mopping a floor.
Or a Laundromat sink. One of those deep sinks?
Yeah, give him a Laundromat sink full of foie gras.

Grayson says she went out on a limb, “I totally embraced the wicked thing…” then she slams Bev! “She says for wanted to go more elegant. Okay.”

Awww don’t get mean, Grayson!

No one else did! Jesus, it’s like the ghost of Heather B. is clomping all round. Ellie says it’s infectious. And lookit the gleam in Sarah Smile’s eyes when Grayson says this shit? Blood in the water!

“I could have done what I like to do, like pasta and I didn’t. And I hope you see that.”
Great, Grayson, now you’re going to be invited to the sleepover at Sarah Smile’s house and you’ll be at her Lab partner for Chemistry class and she’ll prolly want to share sweaters with you- is that what you wanted!? Are you happy now?!

In the end, Sarah Smile’s risotto had too much cheese; Baby Face Bev’s sauce was on the sticky side; Grayson’s greens were salty and the egg didn’t fit in. All in all a terrific meal but “the Queen will have someone’s head.” (Okay, enough.)
Pads then asks...
Baby Face Bev
NOOOOOOOO!
To pack her knives and go.
She hugs Grayson and does a side hug with Sarah Smile. She says she’s proven to herself how much she can preserve and never threw anyone under the bus. But maybe she’ll get in touch with her anger and throw Nyesha under that mutha cause it’s time for...

The Last Chance Kitchen!
When Nyesha sees Baby Face enter the lair she knows she “has this in the bag.”
The Eliminated show up and Colicchio asks everyone who was beaten by Nyesha to raise their hands- five go up! Nyesha gets a lady boner.
When solicited, Heather B. says her money is on Nyesha. Colicchio kind of laughs and says she and Bev had problems all the way through.
Colicchio asks if anyone bets on Bev- no one. Baby Face says she believes in herself and can prove them wrong.

Challenge!
30 Minutes to cook with Black Drum, a local fish. But there’s a twist, they only get one pass through the pantry to gather all the equipment and food they need.
Time Starts Now!

Everything appears to be going well until Colicchio runs in and yells for them to stop cooking and surrender their ingredients to the other chef…!!!

Nyesha: “Seriously?”

Big Buddha: “Ohhhh, shit!”
Nyesha is rattled. They switch stations. Bev’s is completely powdered in cornstarch. So is the fish. (???) Nyesha says she just set “this girl up so good” it’s not even funny. Wow Bravo- wtf?!
Nyesha sees nothing exciting in Bev’s bin and Bev knows her ingredients aren’t Nyesha’s style.
Nyesha: “Super not loving this.” Meanwhile Bev gets to work on a butter sauce with citrus and fennel.

6 Minutes Left and Bev hasn’t touched her fish yet!

Accessory Chef Richie: “Do your fish!”
Big Buddha: “She poured the oil on the fucking grill.”

Ty-Lor God Of Cooking: “Oh my God!”


Bev made Black Drum with oranges, fennel and black olives that Bev never cooks with (she doesn’t do Mediterranean) and was nothing like Nyesha had in mind.
Nyesha made Black Drum with julienne of tri-pepper toss with rice vinegar vinaigrette and a slaw of fresh cilantro and snow peas…

(yeah, kid, is sounds like she slayed you.)
"…and muddled flavors of a pineapple chutney."

Colicchio says it was nice of Baby Face to step out of her comfort zone and she should do that more often. Then he announces he wants to bottle Nyesha’s pineapple chutney. "It came down to seasoning."
And Nyesha’s was…

slightly under!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
No.
Shit.
Nyesha gives Baby Face her jacket and they hug. Nyesha is chef coat-less! Wow.

The Eliminated hug them both but holy shit, mang, that means Martha Tripp, Jenna, Flaisher and Colanto…I must ask you to pack your knives and go. Sigh.

Next week- a head to head battle! Sarah Smile vs. Lindsay! And frankly, who cares about anyone else? Let's just pray that one of them leaves just so we can see their face when they go at Baby Face Bev in The Last Chance Kitchen!
Until then, my Friends, don't catch the 'betes...

TOP CHEF TEXAS!
LOGUE Grayson
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MAUREEN Lindsay
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth
KRISTEN K Lindsay
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
STRIPES Lindsay
DAISY Street Food
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
LUCY Street Food