Before we set it off- have you sent your cheddar? Put the cheese in the mail!
And check this out, Stuff Magazine (can you really call it a magazine though?) has an article on local Boston chefs that have been on reality TV. White Tiff’s in it!
And from Jet Li: “This article might be old as balls, but i thought i might send it to you in case you end up in frederick, MD.”
Now on with the show!
After the chili cook off and Accessory Chef Richie’s teary goodbye (“It’s me! It’s me!”) Pads comes out and tells the Chefs to: “Pack your bags and meet me in Dallas.”
So much for sleeping in, huh? There’s some talk about ‘Beautiful Chris’ aka Chris C., going in one car that makes Accessory Chef Chris call himself ‘Ugly Chris.’
Aww. It’s sad cause it’s sorta true.
When they get in their Product Placement cars revelations abound:
-Baby Face Bev has a tattoo! (News to me!)
-Coke Mouth just hit his one-year anniversary with his lady. “The moment I broke down and accepted her into my life was the best day of my life.”
Really? Cause you’re kinda making it sound like you got a colonoscopy. I can’t wait ‘til she hears your relationship described like that and breaks the rest of your jaw.
-TyLor God Of Cooking has a bf!
-Chris C. was 70 pounds heavier two years ago!
Looks like Jack Black's younger brother.
Before we learn that Dakota was a stripper in a coalmine they hit a roadblock that turns out to be Padma sporting the Jaclyn Smith Collection from Kmart. She’s next to John Besch
(Tell me it’s not tough being a Southern chef with this cheating doppelganger around.)
Make the best possible dish with the “survival kits” in the trunks of their Product Placement cars. Surprise! No utensils! Just Sterno burners and mostly canned goods. Best dish wins 5k and immunity and 30 Minutes Starts Now!
Accessory Chef Chris runs to get corn from the cornfield, shucks it and then chucks it because it’s so dry. Chris C. finds canned fruit, garbanzo beans. Lindsay is out of her comfort zone with the canned goods. She uses Vienna sausages that she hates but her father loves.
When I was little I thought V-ANNA Sausages were a delicacy. Basically because I thought anything that was little (baby corn, Brussels sprouts- I’d tell My Mama: “It’s like a head of lettuce for my Barbies!”) was expensive and important. I was partial to them because of this. Oh, and I thought those cans with a lid that you opened like a soda were expensive too. Underwood Deviled Ham? I just knew that shit cost $10 a can. Nevermind that it looks and smells like flesh colored vomit.)
Coke Mouth looks at the mush everyone’s making and says he’s not going to cook “Flintstone’s food just because they’re at a campsite.” Then he pulls his back. And it must be bad because they use the classic Top Chef SFX where is sounds like brakes are screeching next to a spooky house with an owl and a baby ghost. Then Coke Mouth complains about the sun and the heat and the mud. Perhaps this loose-jawed jack off is going back home to his gf of one year. (If she’ll have him after the way he spoke about their relationship…)
When it comes time to judge, ummm, well lemme just start by saying most of these dishes looked like vomit on a tin plate.
Least Faves – SadFace’s beer and peach glazed chicken with green bean casserole. (The “peach” came from a peach roll up!) Edwards says he “just didn’t feel the love.”
Dakota’s “one dimensional and almost all sweet” spicy noodles with crabmeat, green chili, pineapple and corn.
Chris C.’s spicy coconut and garbanzo beans with tofu (he used Crystal Lite lemonade mix as the acid.) Edwards: “…the raw tofu and crabmeat, under seasoned? Just threw the whole dish off.”
Faves- Coke Mouth’s thai peanut soup with nori wrapped salmon, tofu and fired hominy. The “attention to detail was commendable.”
Lindsay’s play on soup and a sandwich: triple club with tuna & sardines (saltines formed the “bread”) in French onion soup with V-Anna sausage.
Cashew Chuy’s basmati rice with canned smoked trout which made Edwards “a believer.” In canned trout?
And the winner is…Lindsay! She gets 5k and immunity!
Coke Mouth: “That had to have been one hell of a sandwich cause it looked dry as the Texas land we were standing on.”
Have some more Haterade! And try new H2 with half the calories and all the Aggression you need!
The Elimination Challenge
Three sets of neighbors in Dallas are having a progressive dinner party- Oh! Oh! I know what this is! When I was a secretary at Hill Holliday someone had one of those! People who live near each other host and have apps at one house, then entrée at another, etc. Cool right?!
Hm, now I’m remembering that I didn’t actually go to the progressive party. Perhaps I wasn’t invited? Racists!
Pads breaks them the chefs into groups but this is an individual challenge (thank Buddha.)
After checking into a Dallas hotel and dropping their bags; the Appetizer Crew-SadFace, Street Food, Accessory Chef Chris, Sarah Smile & Lindsay, arrive at Kim and Justin’s palatial estate. Accessory Chef Chris remarks it’s like Desperate Housewives. You got that right. Turns out that Kim is a party planner who has had several books on planning published. These books are out on the kitchen table.
As they stand among the expensive appliances, silver busts and Michael Jacksonesque marble clocks with columns and elephants, SadFace reveals she had quite a different childhood: her family grew up poor and lived in hotels. “And not nice ones.”
Awww, no wonder she’s so sad!
Desperate Kim has a lot of things she doesn’t like: bell peppers, cilantro, foods that get stuck in teeth, foods that are not easy to eat, foods that cause bad breath. Finally, she admits she’s not very adventurous when it comes to new food and, I bet, sexual positions.
The Entrée Crew-Cashew Chuy, TyLor God Of Cooking (who has “a lot of experience cooking for Bill Gates” (he served him veal at a wedding once) “rock stars” (geologists) and “movie stars” (AMC Movie Theater ushers), Nyesha, Baby Face Bev & Heather get a newlywed couple who had 700 people at their wedding.
The husband is an adventurous eater but the wife that hates cilantro, raspberries and "I don't eat meat."
Cashew Chuy says this is why he doesn’t do this type of thing. He prefers “high maintenance” people like the newlywed vegetarian come to his restaurant so he can kick them out there.
Note To Self: Don’t ever eat at Cashew Chuy’s but buy a t-shirt. (But only if it says Cashew Chuy’s.)
The Dessert Crew-Dakota (pissed that she has to make dessert again. “I didn’t come here to make desserts.”), Grayson, Chris C. & Coke Mouth learn that the man of the house loves cake balls.
Also cupcakes. And he reveals he has a gummy bear addiction and his wedding cake was a giant gummy bear.
After 30 Minutes to shop ($250 each) they get to the homes with 2 hours to cook and lemme tell you this, each of these kitchens are almost as big as the friggin TC Kitchen! I want a big kitchen too but holy crap.
Chris C. is nervous about his cupcakes, he already knows it’s going to be difficult. Coke Mouth refers to himself as brokeback brokeback. Baby Face Bev uses the whole sink and all the colanders. Nyesha and Heather are frustrated at her moving blanching water and taking plates out of the way. Meanwhile Coke Mouth isn’t trying to base 12 people’s desserts on two people’s palettes. Yup, that’s how this is gonna go.
At the Appetizer House, the Judges’ arrive -Colicchio, Gail, John Edwards and- hey, Pads’ breasts are here, you guys! Hi, Pads' breasts!
(Notice Desperate Kim’s husband seated next to her.)
Meanwhile Desperate Kim WHOA -someone had a heavy hand on the spray tan button!
She’s trying to rival Pads’ skin tone!
Later Kim mentions she had 1,200 people at her wedding.
One Two Hundo.
Gail: “I don’t’ think I know twelve hundred people.”
That’s because you’re not desperate, Gail. Be proud! And please give your stylist a raise, you look marvelous!
Accessory Chef Chris does a roasted chicken cigar with sweet corn, collard greens and cumin ash-
Buuut, it is kinda like you’re eating penis in front of everyone. Colicchio says the flavors are okay but it’s dry. The newlywed vegetarian says the idea of eating a cigar doesn’t appeal to her.
Sarah Smile’s grilled roman-style artichokes with date puree, pecans and fresh mint are appealing. Lindsay’s roasted and raw beet salad with chickpeas and greek vinaigrette is “a little boring” according to John Edwards. The guests’ like it.
SadFace’s seared scallop over sweet corn puree is not “a conversation starter.” Street Food’s fried Brussels sprouts with grilled proscuitto is delicious. (Makes me wanna eat pork. Yeah, I said it.)
TyLor is reassured by having Heather around since they’re good friends which is a hint and a half that one of them might be going home…or that they’re going to have a cat fight in the gazebo that they didn’t show but is prolly out in the back of one of the mansions festooned with baubles and the heads of former servants cause methinks that’s how these Dallasians do it.
Heather’s garlic and rosemary grilled lamb chops with garbanzo beans and mint chimichurri was…overcooked. People were sawing those effers!
Cashew Chuy’s sockeye salmon fillet stuffed with goat cheese (no peanuts this go round?) and cherry tomato relish on top (huh?) is enjoyed by the guests but the Judges’ don’t say much and Cashew knew the fish was overcooked when he took it out the oven. Baby Face Bev’s seared scallop with creamy polenta and crispy garlic is a success!
TyLor’s spice rubbed grilled pork tenderloin with summer slaw is a bit dry and “sloppy” per Gail. One guest says it reminded her of something her parents would have made in the 50s. You know when they weren’t having the maid make all the meals a la IMITATION OF LIFE.
Nyesha intros her roast filet of beef with vegetable mélange in red wine sauce. The newlywed vegetarian doesn’t like how the red wine reduction resembles blood.
Dood, you got next to nothing to eat all day, I recognize that but come on, she said it was red wine, John Edwards reassured you it was red wine. You live in Texas, it’s friggin Cowland! Just eat Cashew Chuy’s dry ass salmon and stifle.
Dakota presents banana bread pudding with Reese’s cups, banana mousse and a banana date milkshake served in a cup made out of a date. (Did I mention she had banana?) The guests say they could eat her pudding all day. (That sounds durty!)
Chris C.’s strawberry cupcake filled with banana custard and chocolate icing and mint chocolate chip ice cream with bananas and strawberries on the side (whew) is called “The best ever!” by the Gummy Bear Wedding Cake Guy but Colicchio is silent and then says the classic: “My mother told me if I don’t have anything nice to say…” Ouch.
Coke Mouth’s cardamom scented panna cotta, cantaloupe consommé and raspberries stuffed with basil pudding (wow) is called “jiggly looking” by the newlywed vegetarian. Desperate Kim says it tastes better than it looks. Huh?
Honestly these women are coming off like children with their parent’s wallets. They want fancy for fancy’s sake.
For Fancy’s Sake – The Newlywed Vegetarian Story, coming this Tuesday night to Lifetime Television.
Grayson presents her chocolate sponge cake, caramelized bananas & semifreddo.
Now, was there some sort of banana quota that needed to be reached here? I don’t recall that in the rules. One guest says Grayson’s dish is a little rich for his taste buds. Colicchio: “I thought it was impossible to be too rich in Dallas, Texas.”
We Are The 99% Burn!
The Panel does the judging at the Gummy Bear Wedding Cake Guy’s House –kinda weird. Oh, I see, you’re filming into the night? So I can’t lean on my diamond-encrusted credenza in my silk bathrobe as I Skype with the pool boy I’m having the affair with? Okay. I’ll use the platinum bookcase in the East Wing.
Pads asks to see… Sarah Smile, Grayson, Street Food and Dakota. They have
…their favorite dishes!
Dakota looks like she’s going to cry. Oh and I almost forgot! Gail's breasts came to dinner too! Hi Gail's breasts!
They liked everyone’s food but the chef winner who had great food AND listened to the client is…Street Food!
Sarah Smile claps and says YAY a little too loudly and Street Food feels obligated to huge her.
Then they ask to see TyLor, Chris C., Cashew Chuy and Accessory Chef Chris. Get ready for some trash talk!
Colicchio says it’s almost as if Chris C. was at a three year old’s party and they had cupcakes and all the fixings and kids went crazy. Chris C. says he was trying to please everyone. (But not his hairdresser, no, he’s using that hair product on his own. It has nothing to do with Guiseppe at The Head Shoppe.)
TyLor God Of Cooking admits his dish is out of proportion. His knife skills weren’t there and the meat wasn’t stacked properly (Hm, that sounds kinda weak for comments, Judges, but I’ve been feeling like TyLor doesn’t belong for a while. His plates are just boring. Oh, that’s his last name...)
Cashew Chuy says his dish was a play on a lox and bagels tasting thing.
Pardon? It was salmon in a corn husk with tomatoes on top. Gail says the salmon was overcooked and the cheese was mealy. Chuy gives her some crap about when you cook fish and cheese you don’t want to do it so that the cheese is lukewarm. Colicchio: “If it’s a dish that, because you have cheese…you have to make the salmon well done in order for it to work, why is that a good dish?”
Accessory Chef Chris mentions the cigar case the guest had that inspired him to make the cigar appetizers. John Edwards tells him the collard ribs were stringy and it was gimmick. He needs to focus on good food.
Finally, Pads tells…Cashew Chuy!
To pack his knives and go.
Dakota makes him feel like even less of a man by picking him up when she hugs him goodbye.
But hold up, it’s not over cause it’s
The Last Chance Kitchen!!
(I keep forgetting about this, Jesus, that’s why I’m up until 4am doing this.)
Cashew Chuy says he takes back thinking he was good under pressure. Sure you do. He gets to the TC House and reads the letter from Colicchio. He drinks a beer. I'm not lying. And goes to the Kitchen to compete against Big Buddha.
The challenge is all about beef. They put shower caps on and Big Buddha is excited, he's never been to a real butcher shop- Oh, they did the whole thing so they could show how big the trunk of the friggin Product Placement car is. Jesus. Whatevs.
Butcher five bone-in rib eyes from the rib rack and then cook it perfectly. He gives them 45 minutes. Big Buddha cooks his steak on an upside down cast iron frying pan- a technique that came from necessity. He did a little rosemary asparagus but his chop was seared more on one side than the other. Just a little.
Cashew Chuy didn't do side dishes, just simple salt and pepper. He cooked the chop medium rare as expected but Colicchio didn't like that he didn't keep "the cap on" the chop (muscle.)
Colicchio says they were pretty much equal but...
Big Buddha's was slightly seared more on one side so he goes home! AWWWWW....
Cashew Chuy is still in. But dayum you were cool, Keith. We'll miss you, Big Buddha.
Until next week Poolers...
TOP CHEF TEXAS!
TRIPP Heather and Nyesha
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MAUREEN Lindsay and Nyesha
KEITH B Heather
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Chris C. and Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth and Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
KRISTEN K Lindsay and Nyesha
BERTSCH Heather and Dakota
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Nyesha and Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
STRIPES Lindsay and Cashew Chuy
DAISY Nyesha and Street Food
CC SadFace and Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
FLAISHER Nyesha and Cashew Chuy
LUCY Street Food
COLANTO Chris C. and Nyesha