Tornado Warning in Massachusetts?! Holy Crap! This is the most lightning I have ever seen before in my life! And I Love Lightning. I’m afraid of it right now though.
When you love something and you’re getting so much of it that you’re afraid? Problem. That’s why I’m off salvia.
I’m just back from dinner with the ladies- Gbag, LB and Daisy! Hey Ladies! It was Gbag’s first night out as a new mother and she hadn’t had a proper drink in 10 months! No, she did not take her top off. She does that for her baby on a reg.
LB regaled us with stories of meeting Mary Sue Milliken (the REAL Sweet Mary Sue in the flesh!) as we chowed on fresh salsa (eh) and fresh gauc (yum) at Zocalo on Stanhope Street. The slightly sticky table and light from the close-a** flat screen made me a skeptic but in the end it was well, why not read Daisy’s blob about it?
She should be posting a Zocalo entry soon!
Hey Ladies! Remember I said I was full and couldn’t eat another thing?
Dark chocolate with almonds and watermelon up this piece.
Now that I can’t move, I might as well blob…
We’re down to Sweet Mary Sue, Floyd, Tough Traci, Naomi and Friggin Unibrow!
At the top of the ep, Sweet Mary Sue says (To Camera) she’s happy to be one of the last five and that her friend Tough Traci is there.
Hmm, is this the Editor’s way of telling us Mary Sue is packing her color chef jackets and magic wands and going home? Pretty obvious… maybe it’s Tough Traci’s turn to get outta dodge…
Create a breakfast dish using a microwave and no other cooking element.
Eggs in a microwave, gross.
10 Minutes starts now!
Naomi grew up microwave free as a child and has never used one. I’m with you, Slice! I don’t like the texture of food from a microwave and don’t even get me started on Radon.
I mean, I have to use one for lunch when I’m working in an office but hide in another room while it’s running like it’s an x-ray machine! I just don’t dig it and I don’t have room for one in my kitchen. So maybe you can understand my surprise when, after a long talk with my sister about my microwave feelings and that it was prollllllllly not a good sign that I couldn’t hear her on her cordless phone when her microwave was on (it would get all choppy) and maybe she should to get rid of it or at least get a new one; my sister GAVE ME A GD MICROWAVE FOR MY BIRFDAY.
Is this on? Is this working? Sound check!
That machine stayed in its box, under my counter for 3 years and when her microwave finally kicked I gave it to her.
5 Minutes Left!
Tough Traci’s bacon isn’t crispy enough, Naomi’s eggs aren’t cooking, Sweet Mary Sue is making an…avocado sammy?
Unibrow debates that no one is gonna talk smack about his eggs cause everyone’s eggs are probably cooked poorly and snacks on his own leftovers and continues to do his best to look like some sort of creepy, disgusting munching marionette.
Then- well, someone must have complained that there aren’t enough Blacks on TCM because two Black comedians (no, not chefs) yes, comedians, appear to judge the foods with Curtis. They’re so inconsequential their title card comes up while they’re in profile!
Naomi says they’re Francis and Angela who are comedians better known as Frangela.
No, Naomi. As awful as the Black woman with the braids from the Pine Sol commercials is, I’d call HER a comedian compared to these chicks.
I’d type one of the ‘jokes’ they made here but they didn’t have any. Seriously. I’ve seen these chicks before in bit parts and never understood how they “made it” as “far” as they “have.”
In the end, the “comedians” didn’t like Mary Sue’s sammy or Tough Traci’s Oeuf en cocotte (egg casserole, mushrooms and bacon served in an egg shell, pretty!) Floyd’s omelette and Unibrow’s baked egg are their favorites and...
Uni wins. Yawn.
Floyd can’t believe he’s never won a Quickfire Challenge; Uni gloats and the “comedians” go on to portray Black Clerk Numbers One and Two in an episode of America’s Most Wanted on FOX.
The Elimination Challenge
Five Scientists walk out in lab coats and…whuuut?
Okay, lemme just make this easier on youse and I- they relate a food to a scientific principle.
Unibrow picks emulsion (a mixture of incompatible liquids demonstrated by the Scientist he’ll work with using oil and vinegar). Tough Traci picks acidity (acids that change the color of other foods, demonstrated with beet juice in water and lemon juice.) Floyd (who used to a biochemist- HUH?) takes beef (no, he doesn’t fart, beef represents the Maillard Reaction- how the flesh browns when exposed to heat.) Mary Sue takes viscosity (liquid friction), and Naomi is left with elasticity (illustrated using pizza dough.)
They must demonstrate and create a dish to represent their scientific principle that tastes good at an edible science fair.
But don’t furrow your brow just yet, cause they’ll be cooking using these.
Test tubes, beakers, Bunsen Burners and induction burners and nothing else. And they have to serve their food in Petri dishes.
The Chefs split up and talk to their Scientist Helpers. Unibrow’s Scientist talks over his head (something Unibrow doesn’t understand?! Please can we have a whole episode of this pompous giant-eyebrowed ass being out-assed?) Uni says he’s just going to a basic emulsification of oil and vinegar.”
Uni’s Scientist: “But I already did that.”
Uni: “Yeah I know you did, I’m doing it again.”
Good! Go home for doing it again!
Meanwhile Floyd tells his Scientist he had WHOA! Floyd has his MASTERS in Biochemistry?!
This Master HAS A MASTERS, YO!
He relays that his father was disappointed when he left that profession to start cooking and he wishes he had lived to see the success he’s had as a Chef. Awww. My heart just silk screened a ‘Team Floyd’ t-Shirt.
After 30 minutes of shopping at Whole Foods ($300), the Masters get to the Kitchen and Naomi puts her Scientist to work like a Sous Chef. The Scientist digs it! Naomi is going to make pizza pockets with three different doughs but she can’t seem to get enough heat from the induction burners they’re allowed.
Tough Traci chooses to make a ceviche and cook the fish with lemon juice (citric acid) so she doesn’t have to use the burners at all. Floyd is going to make a Shabu Shabu beef and show how it does or doesn’t turn brown based on the temperature.
It’s official. Top Chef Masters has jumped the shark fin soup.
The next day the Kitchen is tricked out for the edible science fair with Periodic Table Charts and boards that describe each Chef’s scientific principle.
Mary Sue’s burners won’t get hot enough- she’s making dulce de leche with different sauces to show viscosity.
Meanwhile- Unibrow’s Scientist argues with him. (Yay!)
He says he thinks “it would be a really good idea to put the mayonnaise in the dish” so the kids can see it being added and it carries the theme. Uni isn’t having it.
Uni: “It’s already in there.”
He wants to do a before and after and say: “this is a mayonnaise based dressing I’ve already finished.”
The Scientist backs off and starts cleaning.
Uni: “We’ll play good scientist, bad scientist?”
Scientist: “You’re not a scientist. You have to be curious to be a scientist.”
Uni: “At what stage do you not think I’m curious?”
Scientist (under his breath): “Ahhh, let’s just forget it.”
Yeah. That’s what Uni’s wife says every night.
Then, oh, someone decided there weren’t enough Latinos on TCM either so they bussed in a bunch from the Bronx.
Mary Sue has the perfect ‘teacher voice’ as she explains viscosity to the kids who don’t give a crap. Sue: “I bet what you really wanna do is eat” and then in walks the dish.
PADS IN THE HIZZY EVERYONE!
I like how Pads strolls in before Curtis like- ‘This is the house my breasts and smile built. What up?’
Oh yeah The Barber is there in suspenders and a bowtie and Ruth Reichl is back but the hell cares, Pads is in the hizzy!
(You watching this ep, CC? I bet you are.)
As you know, Ruth has been missing for quite some time but not because she visited a beauty parlor that uses conditioner (talk to Gail’s Stylist, Ruth.)
Mary Sue presents her viscosity principle with dulce de leche churros, chocolate mousse and spiced café de olla and Pads eats it up.
Unibrow shows off his emulsion study: fried okra salad with tomato, fennel, bacon and green goddess dressing and shallots.
The Barber says the mayonnaise is barely a mayonnaise because so many herbs have been added to it. He’s not tasting it.
Uni: “No, no.”
Uni: “You’re looking at me like I’m wrong. No.”
Honestly is this the way you talk to people who are going to be writing about your food in the future?
Then Uni (To Camera): “James is contesting whether it’s broken and it’s not broken, he just doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
Again, I weep for his wife and children.
The Barber says he’s waiting for his lightbulb moment and he “hasn’t gotten it yet.”
Uni: (to Scientist) “Yeeah, you explain that.” Uni steps back from the table, then: “He’s needs a lightbulb, he needs a scientist.” (Dood!)
Scientist Who Hates Uni: (to The Barber) “An emulsion is just a combination of those opposite things, the polar and the non-polar.”
Uni makes the sound of a bell: “Ding!”
Wow. What a child this guy is!
The Barber: “Okay I’m on terra firma.”
Okay, I don’t really think The Barber is on terra firma, I think he’s more like- I’m done being embarrassed so I’m out. And poor Ruth. I think she’s thrilled she’s missed so many episodes seeing the kind of abuse Uni has been throwing out.
In Toughville, Traci shows Pads and Curtis what happens when acid is added to tuna. She present a tuna carpaccio with ceviche and then a tuna tartare ceviche. She’s concerned her food doesn’t have enough bells and whistles.
Get Uni to pretend there’s a lightbulb over it, Ding! What a floppy phallus!
Naomi tells The Barber and Ruth that she has kids touch different dough and then explains elasticity in foods: pizza dough, mushrooms, etc. Her Scientist looks on, pleased. The Barber looks bored. Me too- I’m over it! Who won this thing?
Naomi made fried pizzeta with mozzarella, salumi & green olive marinara and then a mini calzone with truffle, mozzarella, chanterelles, arugula and balsamic gelée.
Floyd’s Maillard Reaction spice curried beef, mushrooms, asparagus & fried potatoes and beef Shabu Shabu style with potatoes and asparagus.
I had Shabu Shabu once. Ellie and Brownie and I had it together in Chinatown. I enjoyed it but honestly, if I have to cook my own food on the table in the broth I think the food should be cheaper.
After all the boringness, The Barber says he actually learned a few things. Like Uni is a bigger a** than he ever imagined and if the school kids at the edible science fair miss the bus to the Bronx they have to actually take the subway home, not a cab.
At Critic’s Table everyone assembles so they can all stare at the babetastic beauty of Padma.
Favorites – Mary Sue and Floyd!
The winner who gets 10k for their charity?
Mary Sue, AGAIN!
Awww, poor Floyd!
On way back to the kitchen Mary Sue says “I’m sorry to steal it from you.” As they wait for the deliberation he reminds her he’s gone up against her three times for the win and she’s won every time. Mary Sue didn’t know. At least she says she didn’t because that’s what someone sweet like her does.
(I know she as a basement full of human remains that she and Tough Traci killed in Russian in the 60s. She prolly uses them for broth. Delicious!)
CUT TO- Critic’s Table!
Now, honestly- it’s impossible for women to look good seated on a stool.
Pads does a pretty great job but there’s just nothing you can do with your legs!
Men are easy, they always have their legs open saying it’s cause they need “room.”
Yah Right. I’ve been in cabs with male friends who take up the whole back seat! (Dood, you don't WALK with your legs wide open.) Okay I just took a bus to Tangent City. Bottom line a medium shot coulda been employed.
So The Barber tells Naomi her dish was too complicated and she was trying to show them too many things. Pads tells Naomi the gelée with the melted cheese made the pocket soggy.
That’s why Pads gets the big bucks.
Uni says he wanted to get kids excited about mayonnaise.
Hold on. I gotta take a laugh break on that one.
The Barber says that particular “emulsification came apart.”
Uni: “Yeeeeah, but we talked about that earlier. How emulsifications can become looser.”
Hey, let’s see how tight we can get an emulsification, Unibrow. One shaped like a leather strap wound tightly around your Mfing neck.
The Barber gesticulates…
"There was a firm or core to the mayonnaise and that it was starting to come apart."
Unibrow: “That was the tomato juice.”
The Ruth hits him where it hurts: “I thought it was the most obvious thing to do and I was disappointed.”
Now shaddap, Uni!
Ruth plays hardball and tells Tough Traci she was the only one who had flavor to play with out of the five elements and all she used was lemon juice. Pads adds she would have liked to see yuzu, tamarind…TT says she did play with some stuff beforehand (no you didn't!)
NO dead laser eyes. Charring. My soul!
When the Masters go back to the table, the Critics tear Uni a new one. Ruth stands up for Traci’s food and The Barber says it wasn’t great and didn’t do it for him. Pads says it was too obvious. Curtis wonders if he missed Naomi’s demonstration because there wasn’t really one. She just had dough where you could check the gluten content. Pads harped on the gelée issues and not able to bite into something crunchy and something gooey. The Barber: “God it’s true, that melting gelée did really spurt in your mouth in the most unpleasant way.”
But the chef leaving tonight…
Unibrow: (in a weird, super mellow fake voice that prolly means he’s going to stab a cab driver on the way to the airport) “All good.”
Sure yah right.
Curtis says he was fantastic and made beautiful food.
Unibrow: “It’s all been fun.”
Curtis tells him he’s raised 15k for his charity.
Unibrow: “Well thanks.”
As he shakes everyone’s hands he says “All good, all good.” Um, no one was crying or trying to console you, Dood.
To Camera he says” “it’s been fun to show off and have fun with it.”
“…I hope that shows through to everyone and I think it did.”
Soooo, you knew you were being a tool? You reveled in it? You hope that showed? Your toolness?
Uni tosses out phrases like ‘Good luck’ and ‘Enjoy it’ and then his hairy ass marches into the sunset to terrorize other.
Good riddance, ASS-O!
And so, Nikki, I must ask you to return to the kitchen and pack your knives.
Next week, Naomi yells at someone as she instructs them to cook through a partition, some soldiers come home to a meal prepared by the Masters and we never ever have to see this again:
TOP CHEF MASTERS POOL
KAT Mary Sue and Naomi
LOGUE Tough Traci
Q Mary Sue and Floyd
BROWNIE Tough Traci
LB Mary Sue
STRIPES Mary Sue and Tough Traci
ELLIE Mary Sue
DOWD Tough Traci
KRISTEN K. Tough Traci
LUCY Tough Traci
JET Tough Traci
JENNA Mary Sue and Floyd
BERTSCH Tough Traci and Floyd
FRANBANAN Mary Sue