Thursday, May 5, 2011

“You’re a healthy hush puppy.”

My apologies for the late post so let’s just set this off!
Curtis recapped last week by calling Suvir’s veggie burger “full of ideals but lacking in flavor.”
You know, I guess when you have beef about beef, you best have a delicious-tasting alternative. Suvir shoulda squeezed animal fat on that veggie burger. That’s what I do.
(I keed. I am keeder.)

When the eight Masters enter the TCM kitchen they find that all the food on the table has price tags. They have to pay for their own ingredients!
Psych! (That would be awesome though, right?)

The QuickFire Challenge
Create an amazing appetizer that costs…one dollar?
Alex is stumped, again, and says he has no idea what he’s going to do. Again. I wonder if Alex realized there were going to be cooking challenges on this cooking show.

20 Minutes Starts Now!
The Masters run back and forth from the priced ingredients to their stations and calculators. Do math, Masters!
Floyd knows how to calculate, he came to this country with $100 in his pocket and got a job the day before he was gonna leave. Hollah America!
Tio makes carrot soup (yawn), Unibrow loses an egg (idiot, that’s 18 cents!) Alex beat cancer and is now beating himself up about his calamari dish.
Time’s Up!

To judge, here are some doods- Brendan Newnam and Rico Gagliano. From some thing on American Public Media called The Dinner Party Download.
I don’t know anything about any of this. Not these doods. Not their names. Not American Public Media (sounds like a front for a porno magazine.) And I’ve never heard of their show but I just Googled it so I guess it’s mission accomplished for the Bravo Product Placement/PR department.
As they wait for the deliberation, Unibrow jokes that he ate $25 worth of one of the ingredients and makes a sound like a crab scuttling on a kitchen floor.

Buddha help me not to hate him so.
Uni says (to Camera) that the Judges are funny and young and then Curtis let’s them do a mini-commercial for their show that proves they are neither.
Mary Sue’s BLT salad (smart!) is too salty. She didn’t taste the bacon because she wouldn’t have had enough to make the appetizer and would have gone over a dollar. The hosts make a great point- if they can make a dish like that for a dollar in twenty minutes “why don’t they have these restaurants all over America?”
True true.
Unibrow says there should be a restaurant that’s like a Dollar Store. Yes, I like that idea a lot. Okay, Buddha, you’ve made your point…

Losers - ChrisLyle’s non-flavored calamari, even though it was plated beautifully. But ChrisLyle didn’t care because he’s “never going to make a dish for under a dollar.”
He laughs it off. Hm, crappy attitude about making affordable food for someone playing for charity. Also, Sweet Mary Sue’s salad was too salty. (Say that five times fast)
Favorites - Naomi’s bread and asparagus salad (sounds like something Mama would make us when we were on welfare, sans asparagus, of course), Tio’s carrot soup (poop) and Alex’s calamari.
And the winner of 5k for their charity and immunity: Naomi! Seed Savers Exchange, gets a little more cheddar!

The Elimination Challenge
Mystery Road Trip! All Stone will say is each Chef is responsible for a main dish and a side for 100 people and the diners will have No Utensils.
Bravo, Bravo! Keep these mofos guessing.

Shopping! Alex decides on a salmon ceviche and tortilla chips,
Tough Traci, a burrito, ChrisLyle gets pork loin and clams. Pardon?
ChrisLyle: “Why play it safe?”

In the Product Placement cars on the way to the Challenge everyone speculates and is quite nervous (it’s fun to watch!) Then they pull up in front of Farmer Boys. It’s not the LA chapter of Chippendales.
Unidentified chef: “Oh sh*t.”
Stone stands outside and tells them everything is served fresh and made to order at the fast food establishment and they’re taking over the lunch rush for the restaurant AND the drive thru.
Unibrow chuckles, Naomi laughs out loud.

Immunity, bitches!
Tio says her dish is meant to be eaten in a restaurant, not by someone with one hand on it and the wheel of a car.
Dear Chef Tio,
Your food has sucked whether people have been driving or not.
Let me ask you something- how’d you get so lazy? Are you in chocolate pudding and ginger balls coma? (Chocolate pudding ginger ball BURN!)

Curtis says they diners usually get their food in between five and seven minutes from ordering (picture that!), the main food is usually burgers and fries but they’re welcome to serve whatever they want (Translation: you can change your dish and you prolly should), and they’ll have to work in two shifts: half in the kitchen, half taking orders, serving in the restaurant and working the drive thru window.
This. Is. Gonna. Be. Good.

Sweet Mary Sue says (to Camera) that she has worked in several fast food restaurants before.

Adorable! Though I’m getting the feeling Sweet Mary Sue is prolly an assassin in cahoots with Tough Traci-

WHAT! Nothing! I didn’t say anything!

Tio used to work at a Bennigan’s. OMG!
This explains EVERYTHING! Also, I used to go to the Bennigan’s on Stuart Street near the transportation building All The Time. I’d get the mozzarella sticks and nachos and cheese quesadillas…OMG, this explains EVERYTHING.

15 Minutes Until Service!
Unibrow asks if it’s still called “service” in fast food (Grrr!), Floyd decides to make Indian street food, Alex goes with a fish taco, ChrisLyle sticks with his pork and clam dish, he’s just gonna skewer it. Alrighty. Naomi takes control, as usual, and renames Sweet Mary Sue’s dish queso instead of quesadilla.

First Shift!
Front of House: Naomi (who volunteers for the drive thru: “I love the headset!”), Floyd, Tough Traci and ChrisLyle.
Back of House: Alex, Unibrow, Tio and Sweet Mary Sue.

The orders come in fast and furious and there’s a line out the door almost immediately. Evident right away? ChrisLyle is not a team player. He won’t tell anyone when sides are needed or if the orders are to go or not. I mean, Dood is being quiet even for a regular chef working in a regular restaurant. Hey, I’ve seen Hell’s Kitchen, I know you’re supposed to call sh*t out!
ChrisLyle: “This is so damn ridiculous. We’re some of the best chef’s in the nation” (okay I just checked your bio, yeah your restaurant received a Michelin Star this year but I don’t see a gd ‘One of The Best Chefs In The Nation’ Award, kid) “And now we’re putting on a headset, wrapping things up in paper, putting them in a to go container.” (You don’t have doggy bags at your restaurant?) “We’re working in a fast food environment and most of us are not accustomed to that.”
You know what a lot of people in foreign lands aren’t accustomed to?
Having WATER.
Hey, isn’t that your charity?
Honestly is this Challenge a little mean? Yes.
Is it worth it to endure half a day of crap to make money for your charity and get people DRINKING WATER? Yes. Am I riveted, especially since you’re acting like a douche and now going to call you out whenever I read about you or see you on the street? EFFS Yeah!
Tough Traci sees the kitchen struggling and leaves her register to help out. Take a look, ChrisLyle, that’s a Team Player.
Uh oh, Here come the Critics.
Grub Street arrives with the Barber from Mayberry RFD who wears a tablecloth from a local pizzeria.

They order one of everything.

Why is this a surprise to you, ChrisLyle?
Meanwhile, Nice Naomi takes her headset off to help out with floor service just as Curtis and Restaurant Girl arrive and order one of everything.

They’re gonna eat in the car?
I’m hoping Restaurant Girl ends up with the Masters fast food equivalent of a condiment on her shirt...

Finally, service: Unibrow’s banh mi of pork and liver pate, chili watermelon with Serrano & feta has a nice kick but it’s a little messy for a drive thru. The Barber is underwhelmed.

Mary’s Sue’s skirt steak quesadilla Diablo, quinoa fritters and sweet pepper garlic mayo is a “tasty mouthful” says the Barber. Curtis loves the quinoa. Restaurant Girl: “It’s like a healthy hush puppy.” Curtis: “You’re a healthy hush puppy.”
Did these two just turn into Sully and Denise from SNL?

“You are…”

Alex’s salmon fish taco with fennel and apple slaw and butternut squash fritters (sounds good) is more like a burrito and Curtis’ least favorite fish to put in a taco (har!) Grub Street doesn’t think it’s a taco either and The Barber wants it to be bigger. Who doesn’t?
Restaurant Girl dug like the butternut squash fritters though.

Curtis: “You like that? I can see.”
Yep. She and Curtis are definitely gonna ride the magic hobbyhorse.

Tio’s lamb, pork and garbanzo wrap with pickled cauliflower “should be called an unwrap” says Curtis. (Note to Self: he’s much looser behind the wheel of a car.) The Barber says the wrap is having an existential dilemma. It’s a pancake with some stuff on top. Let’s hope Tio rides that pancake the eff home.

Second Shift!
Front of House: Alex, Tio, Unibrow (register), Mary Sue (drive thru)
Back of House: Naomi, Floyd, ChrisLyle, Tough Traci

Right off the bat, Alex is miffed that Unibrow chooses to JUST work the register and not help expedite. Alex: His MO is “I’m at the cash register, look at me.” The Critics (Curtis and Restaurant Girl on the inside now and The Barber and Grub Street in the car) are miffed that they have to actually wait in a long a** line.
The Barber and Grub Street order two of everything. ChrisLyle slowly puts pork on skewers. Everyone yells at him. Unibrow notices that Tio is holding tickets and the kitchen is already backed up and says that’s not going to help but he WON’T HELP. Dick.

When The Barber opens ChrisLyle’s pork and chorizo skewer with clam, cucumber and olive side he just laughs. “What is this?” He says it’s the ugliest food he’s ever seen before in his life, “and I’ve seen some ugly food.”

Death cubes.

Tough Traci’s chicken chili verde burrito, jicama sticks & tortilla chips is amazing. Curtis actually bangs the table while he’s eating. Then he bangs Restaurant Girl. (I keed.)

Floyd’s chicken Frankie with cucumber, daikon & grape slaw is the exact opposite of Tio’s. Everyone love it.

Curtis says there’s nothing wrong with Naomi’s rib eye steak sandwich on ciabatta, Caesar salad with herbed croutons but there’s nothing special about it either. Hmm, prolly because everyone has to eat their salad with Their Hands. Hullo?
Restaurant Girl (to Curtis): “Even you don’t look sexy eating your Caesar salad with your hands. And that really says something.”

The Critic’s ask to see Alex, Tio and ChrisLyle…
When they’re first called in front of the table (inside Farmer Boys, still!? You know ChrisLyle is steaming! He just wants to get back to his plush hotel and take a 58 minute shower and then let the water run all night because he Doesn’t Care About People Who Don’t Have WATER) The Barber sets it off.
“Service was SO baaaaaaad. What was going on back there?”
Tio says the flow was different than they were used to- TRANSLATION, I don’t flow.
Then Curtis drops the bomb. Their dishes were their LEAST favorites. ChrisLyle is shocked. Huh?
Tio says she wanted to do something out of the box.
Um, it was going into a box, idiot.
Grub Street says it was bland and under seasoned. The Barber wasn’t sure of the relationship between the cauliflower and the “so-called wrap.”
Restaurant Girl says the clam was well cooked but hard to eat in ChrisLyle’s dish. ChrisLyle: “So you didn’t find it easy to just pick up the cucumber and eat it all at once?”
Curits says he snubbed his nose at fast casual. ChrisLyle cuts him off and says he didn’t. Uh oh.

Alex admitted he was out of his element and missed his mark. Restaurant Girl said it was practical but the walnuts and grapes made it too sweet.

When the Losers return they don’t say they’re Losers. They just tell Mary Sue, Floyd and Tough Traci to go out front.
Curtis tells them they were lucky they weren’t being judged on service because they had great food.
The winner is…

YAY Sweet Mary Sue. She’s raised 20k for No Kid Hungry. She says she’s going to put the quinoa fritters on her food truck. I wanna eat on her food truck! (That sounds durty.)

The Critics slammed the dishes to high heaven. Alex over did it with ingredients. ChrisLyle’s dish was ugly and made The Barber’s heart sink. They didn’t know what Tio was going for at all. But in the end…
ChrisLyle? WHUT?!
Tio survives again!!!
How is this possible?!”

It’s obvious that someone has a sweet spot for this chick. I just don’t understand why. She’s a crappy cook and kinda robot-like. Maybe that translates to being great in bed?

And so, LB2, I must ask you to return to the kitchen and pack your knives. And we were just getting to know one another! Farg.
ChrisLyle says some crap about not playing it safe (whatevs) but looks totally relieved to get the eff outta dodge and waste water and charge diners a million times more than a dollar for an appetizer while he wastes water like Chevy Chase in THREE AMIGOS!

Next week, the Masters cook for Maroon Five. On a tour bus.


KAT Mary Sue and Naomi

LOGUE Tough Traci


Q Mary Sue and Floyd

BROWNIE Tough Traci

LB Mary Sue and Alex


STRIPES Mary Sue and Tough Traci

ELLIE Mary Sue

DOWD Tough Traci

KRISTEN K. Tough Traci

LUCY Tough Traci

JET Tough Traci

JENNA Mary Sue and Floyd

BERTSCH Tough Traci and Floyd



ME Naomi

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