Thursday, May 12, 2011

"I love the head. The head goes really well with the sauce."

Hey everybody look at this crap news!

Eh. So Slimer aka Mike Isabella is getting a cookbook, FLAVORS FROM A JERSEY ITALIAN that actually sounds pretty gross. I have some alternate titles:

-Food To Make You Get Bad Tattoos Like Eyeballs and Sh*t

-Two Tablespoons Of Sweat

-I Haven’t Seen My Toes In Years

-GHOSTBUSTERS IV – Slimer’s Revenge

-All Of These Recipes Are Richard Blais’

Look for it wherever books are sold! You know if you can find a place that sells books anymore. Sigh…

Now on with the show!

The Masters enter the kitchen and see a table of special, high-end ingredients like scallops, blue fine tuna, foie gras and caviar. Floyd immediately gets excited. I hope someone pours out a little caviar for the fish killed by the BP Oil spill.

The QuickFire Challenge
Stone says the fastest QFC was 8 minutes 37 seconds (uh oh) and Tough Traci notes that was when Colicchio cooked. Their challenge? Create a heavenly dish (two of them, three when you include the one for photographing) in 7 minutes.
Time starts now!

Naomi makes seared foie gras with apples, Unibrow grabs caviar and chops tuna, Tough Traci’s hand shakes as she cuts!
Time’s Up!

Then he tells the chefs to pick up two of their plates and go to the other side of the kitchen. Today they’re…
judging Each Other. BOOOO!
They have to taste and then hold up number cards in front of everyone and rank the dishes from 1 to 7.
Oh. Hmm…building animosity I see. Nice job Bravo.

Something was sour and bitter in Unibrow’s dish- HIS ATTITUDE! Tough Traci’s carpaccio was “delicioso.”
Naomi: “I have some competition here.”
Tough Traci is amazed by Naomi’s dish and says (To Camera) that Naomi is flourishing and it’s surprising because she’s “one of the least experienced in the group.”

Well you did say that..

Okay, I’m sorry!! Don’t laser me!
Tio killed her scallop dish by saying she could have used a little more salt. Crickets. Sweet Mary Sue did a simple scallop dish herself. Unibrow says (to Camera) her food isn’t as refined as the other chefs. Everyone liked Alex’s ceviche and Floyd’s fried the head of the prawn he used and added Serrano chili and lime but Naomi didn’t like it. “I like bold flavors and I love the head. The head goes really well with the sauce.”

7 - Tio’s dish – “It’s no fun being on the bottom and knowing that your peers voted…” Everyone is avoiding looking or even talking about Tio. She is the girl in the locker room with bad B.O.
6- Unibrow – his dish “looked like cat food” according to both him and Floyd. Uni ranked himself a 7 for it.
5–Floyd – he gave himself a 3, Naomi didn’t dig the blood orange and ranked him low
4– Mary Sue
3– Alex
2- Naomi
and the winner…
1- Tough Traci – who rated herself 3 but got three 1s.
She wins immunity and 5k for her charity, La Cocina, which encourages low-income food entrepreneurs. She has now won three Quickfires and killed countless pigeons on the way to Whole foods by just looking at them and shooting a low intensity laser beam out of her eyeballs. (Might as well get in a little practice, right?)

Tough Traci gets to pick a team of 3 or 4. Stone says a small team of the might work better but extra manpower could also be good (hint, hint) it’s up to her. Tough Traci grabs Unibrow who says she’s the only person he’d work washing dishes for (wash your face and then SHAVE IT) Naomi (hm, surprise) and (of course her bestie) Sweet Mary Sue. (Team Tough Traci!)
That leaves Alex, Floyd and Tio. (Let’s call them Team Tio, shall we?)

Elimination Challenge
Each team has to cook one family style meal for a band returning to their hometown of LA, inspired by their requests.
Product Placement for Bravo’s owner (NBC/Universal’s American Idol-buster) The Voice…
front man Adam Levine’s band, Maroon 5

Band food requests include Japanese or steaks (for Adam), corn (some dood is from Nebraska), vegetarian food, vegan food (“really good Mexican”), Thanksgiving (huh?) and some leafy green vegetables that might ward off herpes from the groupies.

Stone says they must menu plan on the way to Whole Foods and prep on the way to the hotel in…KAPOW!

Yep, it’s a Winnebago tour bus thingamabob.
Now here’s the part where I tell you I went cross-country to the Sundance Film Festival in a Winnebago with seven boys once. Well, twice if you count that it was round trip.
There were rules.
We had tons of food (PB&J anyone?) but never actually cooked so we could use the oven and sink for storage.
And, most important, no one was allowed to pee or sh*t in Bessie (what we called the Winnie.) This was mostly because No One wanted to empty the sh*t box.
When someone said they had to use the bathroom and were told they needed to wait for the next rest stop and balked, they were asked: “Do you want to empty the sh*t box?”
“No you don’t?”
“Well sit your a** down and pray we don’t start singing ‘Waterfalls by TLC’ to vex you.

The Masters start planning, Unibrow notes the three-burner stove. Sweet Mary Sue is gonna whip up a Mexican salad with fried avocado (YUM), Unibrow a corn soup and spanakopita (yawn), Naomi -turkey and some sort of vegan crisp, Tough Traci asks for authorization to buy rib eyes.
Then it gets tense over…nutmeg? I’m not really sure why. Uni wants it and then Naomi says she needs some too and he’s like “you’re getting my nutmeg?” and she agrees and then Tough Traci says something about wanting to get spices.
I dunno. I do know Tough Traci is going to laser a human this episode.
In Team Tio’s bus: Tio is thrilled they’re only three of them so no one else can witness her mediocrity. Floyd is doing steak, Alex is doing turkey and an enchilada, Tio is doing…uh oh…spanakopita and corn soup?! Floyd notes they’re disconnected dishes.

The Winnies pull up to Whole Foods. The faster they shop the more time they have to prep. Tough Traci gets a bottle of tequila noting that the rock stars will want this (Genius!) And then Alex runs up the down escalator to try to get his shopping cart that’s stuck:

First of all- WTH is this thing? An escalator just for shopping carts? Suddenly I feel like an ugly American. But also- is that sneeze guard thing really supposed to prevent children from jumping on this?! I mean even I wanna ride it!
Oddly enough, Alex, Floyd and Tio check out before Tough Traci, Naomi, Sweet Mary Sue and Unibrow who are at the registers when they leave.

3 Hours Until Service!
Team Tio prepares vegetables and she (nicely) asks the driver how far away they are from the Roosevelt Hotel. Half an hour.

Alex admits he has cooked on planes and boats before but never in an RV or for Maroon 5.
Yes, Alex, I think if you had cooked for Maroon 5 before we would have known that. Don’t get so flustered when you have new experiences! You beat cancer! Smiles more!

Meanwhile Team Tough Traci is just getting on the bus and prepping. They yell for the driver” “Let’s roll! Hit it!” Prolly not the nicest way to talk to him cause he starts taking quick corners and making short stops.
This does not sit well with Tough Traci, shown here just prior to murdering her little brother and the family dog simultaneously with her death eyes:

She had to be given Dramamine as a child whenever they went for car rides. (Oh man, same here. None of my Uncles wanted to let me in their Lincolns. I spewed like a fountain.)
Their driver takes a quick corner and POP! The refrigerator doors fly open and they lose a few eggs.
Unibrow: “Can we get a warning when you’re gonna do that?”
Yeah, not the way to talk to those guys. Esp when they don’t want to be on camera (obvious because he wasn’t shown at all, unlike Team Tio’s driver that you at least saw in profile.)
He stopped short a few more times for good measure because Uni’s bad energy wafts off him like a stink and makes you do stuff like that.

2.5 Hours until service!
Team Tio’s bus pulls into the parking lot of the Roosevelt Hotel. Having finished prep, they just have to cook their food and they need all the space they can get.

No, the lid to the toilet is not open, that’s Floyd’s steak.

Ten minutes later Team Tough Traci’s bus arrives.
Yup ten minutes late. Sped up footage as they try to make it happen.
Sweet Mary Sue: “It doesn’t seem right to set a bowl on the floor and toss your salad but…I’m tempted.”
Instead she preps on the bed in the back.

Moments before service! Alex is flustered: “The cooking environment is ridiculous.” Floyd thinks his steak is bland and blah. Uh oh, Alex’s pasta is overcooked!


Team Tio serves IMMEDIATELY. Restaurant Girl, Curtis Stone, The Barber and Gail Simmons (YAY! What up Gail!? Looking good, gurl, give that stylist a raise!)

Floyd intros his winter salad (looks blah) & soy and rice wine vinegar marinated steak with Asian slaw; Tio: silky corn soup (vegan), spanakopita with couscous salad Alex-:penne with broccolini, tomato and garlic & enchiladas filled with onions and seitan (that looks a little like E.T.’s dick)

& coconut-almond tapioca and grapes & (WAIT A MINUTE, Alex made four dishes?!) breaded turkey cutlets….??? I don’t know why no one stopped that train.

The band loved the corn soup (crap I want Tio to go home!) but the Spanakopita tasted like it came out of a package and was microwaved. Levine: “Ouch.”
Band banter: One time Adam Levine forgot the lyrics to a song he wrote. What he’s really trying to forget it banging Jessica Simpson.
Maroon 5 says Alex’s enchilada looks like a “chud.” I’m not sure what it means. Maybe that movie Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers? Stone says he wouldn’t know where to start making an enchilada without cheese and thought Alex did a great job but then…they tasted the pasta.
The Barber: “cafeteria food.”
Floyd’s flank steak was “okay” and his salad: “disappointing.”
The gravy on Alex’s cutlet was thought to “be there to cover up the average meat.” But Alex’s tapioca was Levine’s favorite thing on the table.
The Barber: “Alex’s tapioca was very undercooked.”
Levine: “I will stab you with this fork.”
Do it!
Gail finds it unbelievable that Alex made four dishes. Stone wonders what the rest of his team was doing…

Team Tough Traci! TT starts by pouring margaritas for everyone.
Gail: “Now it’s a party!” The boozehound is back!

Unibrow: (hands on Mary Sue’s shoulders) “Let’s talk about the salsa and the guacamole first, Mary Sue.”
Mary Sue: “Get your gd hands off my shoulders and brush your teeth!”
Dream Response!
Naw, Mary Sue does as told and intros her Diablo salsa with gauc and chips and her tostadas with black beans, chopped salad and crispy fried avocado wedge (vegan); Unibrow: corn soup with vanilla, pecans & Brussels sprouts & spanakopita with fennel parmesan and spinach inside, Uni: “so cool”- really? You’re commenting on your own food AFTER you present it and BEFORE anyone actually eats it? SHUT UP! Uni’s spanakopita comes with a dill salad and lemon vinaigrette.
Tough Traci presents her Japanese-style steak, miso braised daikon, cucumber and pea shoot salad and Naomi explains her breaded turkey, chanterelle smashed potatoes (OMG I think I just drooled) & sour cherry-cranberry chutney and apple crisp with coconut, almonds & oats.
I don’t think I’m giving anything away here by saying they prolly got this in the bag.

Adam Levine says the margarita is a great touch. Mary Sue’s tostada is bizarre looking but tastes good. Unibrow’s corn soup is superficial. (Just like Unibrow!) Levine: “it tasted like a bad smell.” Just. Like. Unibrow.
They liked the spanakopita. Levine loved the steak because it combined the two things he asked for: Japanese and steak –brilliant! Naomi’s breading on the turkey hurt the roof of The Barber’s mouth (too coarse, poor baby!) Naomi’s offerings on a whole were “a little flaccid” for him.
Adam Levine: “Really, did you say flaccid?”
Thank you, Sir, for saying exactly what I was thinking.

The Masters all assemble on one bus and realize they made almost the exact same menu. Hey we all know how “Who Wore It Best?” works in the fashion world: makes it easier to see mistakes.
Then something creepy happens during the bumper: Unibrow says he has “youth and one eyebrow on his side.”
So you know? For reals?
You Know you have one eyebrow and you won’t do Anything about it?
Is it possible for me to hate you more!?

At Critic’s Table, Team Tough Traci is called in.
She, Mary Sue, Naomi and Unibrow have (no surprise) the best dishes. Compliments abound but the winner is the only one who can laser her initials into the rug with her eyes: Tough Traci!
TT’s charity is now 25k richer and Floyd, Alex or Tio is going home (Tio, Tio!!)

In front of the Critics, Floyd says they had a disadvantage working on the bus. Oh honey. Don’t.
Stone asks Alex if it was a mistake to take on so much.
The Barber: “…the enchilada had a really bizarre texture.”
Alex admits it was really a bioweapon that would grow in their chests and harvest their organs.
Floyd was chastised for making dishes that didn’t show his personality. They had no spice. (Hm, is that racist? Whaddaya think, Colucci?)
Floyd: “I wanted my dishes to work with everything…”
Gail: “Who cares!” She says they’re not judging how the meals work together, they’re judging them on their individual dishes.
Awww, I miss you, Gail. Come back. Teach Restaurant Girl some lessons. She thought Tio’s spanakopita was

“Sooo indistinct.”

The Master’s are sent back to the bus. Restaurant Girl says they’ve had a lot of meals (have you really? Cause I think you’re new here. Know who’s had a lot of meals and has a better stylist? Gail.) “…and this was the least thoughtful and the worst presentation.”
Gail says the table would have been stronger without the pasta. Period. Floyd didn’t come through as a chef. Tio’s dishes were “totally forgettable.”
Gail: “There was nothing about her spinach pie or cous cous that said to me this is a chef of” her “caliber.”
Hear that? That’s the door to Tio’s restaurant closing.
And so…
The chef leaving Top Masters…

Alex, a gentlemen, says the bus challenge was too much for him and he should have gone home.
And that after 30 years it was nice to know he still had the fire. No.
Then he hugged everyone and you could tell, even in shadow that Floyd agreed. It should have been Tio.



And so I must ask you, Ruby, to return to the kitchen in the bus and pack your knives.
This is a travesty. Tio will be gone. I WILL THIS INTO EXISTENCE!
Next week we get some sort of couples dinner/date thing and, hey, more Gail! YAY!


KAT Mary Sue and Naomi

LOGUE Tough Traci

Q Mary Sue and Floyd

BROWNIE Tough Traci

LB Mary Sue


STRIPES Mary Sue and Tough Traci

ELLIE Mary Sue

DOWD Tough Traci

KRISTEN K. Tough Traci

LUCY Tough Traci

JET Tough Traci

JENNA Mary Sue and Floyd

BERTSCH Tough Traci and Floyd



ME Naomi

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