Thursday, April 7, 2011

"The service was frog a** tight."


So, before we set this off, I read a lot of TC blobs that said they didn’t buy Blais’ “aww shucks” routine. For reals? That’s a routine? This guy is so tortured he chews the insides of his mouth (prolly with a dash of saffron cause he is a chef) AND he helps other chefs who ask for advice or need to know how to use the nitrogen machine AND he never stole anyone’s recipe and it’s an act?
Those tears are fake?
Come on, Son. We’ve all fake cried before. You do it when you’re little to get what you want. You fake cry and your mother knows cause there’s a whine in there or it ends with: “…but Asia hasn’t spent the night since- last- week- ennnnnnd-!“ (for the record, that did not work. Asia was not allowed to spend the night.)
All Blais has ever done imo is beat the sheet outta himself which is what we’ve all done later in life if prone to self doubt, depression or stomach cramps.

Andy Cohen (hopefully sober since our last visit cause alcohol does not make him more entertaining) intros a giggly Padma in a (wow!) royal purple off the shoulder dress, nude shoes (Nude!) and long straight hair;

Gail glows in a black tank dress (give that stylist a raise!) and Colicchio, blazer over a checkered button down; all say ‘Hi’ to the Chefs like they haven’t been sitting there for 10 minutes during lighting and sound check.

Blais sits next to Fabio- FABIO! Who hugs Blais when they applaud the new champ. Andy asks what was going through his mind when Pads announced his name, Blais says he thought to stay gracious and humble and turn to Slimer and shake his hand. But really we all know that didn’t happen. The only shaking going on was Blais (like a leaf) in Padma’s arms as he cried, and Slimer’s head (like My Mama when someone misses winning the Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right. Apparently Mama knows how much the jet ski, flight to San Diego and the outdoor grill with the patio furniture costs.)
Blais says he learned a lot about himself by NOT winning Season Four, Slimer said he wished he HAD won cause then he wouldn’t be there. Ha haaa! You know what? Slimer is kinda reminding me of a bully that went to my junior high. A Yuck Mouth (cause he won’t brush, no he likes his teeth like this) who stole lunches and farted on textbooks and inside studious kid’s mouths.

Colicchio says it came down to what you want to eat again or what moved you. Gail says she needed the most convincing because there were moments of Slimer’s meal that moved her. “The pepperoni sauce!”
Gail and Slimer and Bernstein had a threesome? Hm, I just looked up pepperoni sauce.

Okay, I guess Slimer created this but see, that’s the problem, I can’t TRUST Slimer anymore. I don’t know what he’s cooking, what he stole and if he’s washed his hands. Just sayin’.
I mean, you steal someone’s recipe on national teevee, are you really stopping yourself from rifling through you wife’s mother’s recipes? Or the Slimer equivalent: her box of chocolate covered Donettes?

Blais’ Video Package! Blais says he never had a super strong family structure and then he found a kitchen and found a family and loved it. Awwww. And then, oh yeah, his mother passed away just before the taping of that season and his wife’s grandmother passed away and his wife was pregnant and he was away from home like Fievel. Cue Vanessa Williams: “Somewhere out there, if love can see us throoooough…”

After the footage Blais says he was very emotional and Gail asks if he would be a little easier on himself now. Blais replies he was trying to smile more but then a breeze blew through the tooth-marked hole in the side of his face. (It sounded a little like The Fleet Foxes.) Fabio: “He won and he still freak out, Jesus Christ, Ritchie!”

Black Tiff in a bright orange v-neck sweater and earrings the size of a Vandella’s (Martha Reeve no where in sight) laughs as Blais says all he remembers is being in Padma’s arms. You know what? I’m sure that’s everyone’s real goal. Eff the 200k, they get to hug Padma and weep into her caramel colored arms. I bet they’re coated in brown sugar. Delicious!

Blais’ wife had a baby girl (named either Anne Marie Lotus or Angry Lotus, personally I think Angry Lotus is doper) and says he Will talk to Slimer about investing in his restaurant. Oddly enough, Slimer doesn’t proclaim being all set with investors (like he did in the Watch What Happens ep.) Slimer: “Either way we have a friendship for life.” Yeah, you and Angelo had a “friendship for life” too when you thought he was gonna win.

Slimer says he said he made it the distance and ‘that day’ Richard beat him. Because, you know, if they held it the next day, Slimer totally would have won.
Colicchio says Slimer DID win because he wasn’t cooking Italian food prior to his Ellis Island episode. Slimer says he felt like his Grandma’s spirit carried him through the competition. Nice, though I think it would take five Grandma’s to carry him anywhere.

More Video Packages!
Antonia/Slimer! Slimer laughs, burps twice, picks his nose and adjusts/touches his nuts twice. Long adjustments/touches.
Like a rolling sort of action. Nasty sheet.
Pads makes a I-need-a-Hep-C-shot face. Then new cousins reveal that their parents talk all the time, cute!

Uh oh- the Jen Carroll “I will fight to the death on this…” Video Package! Jenn, still with her giant blonde Raquel Welsh cavegirl sized dome watches her outbursts with a silent open mouth smile and shake of the head.
Jen says she was disappointed in herself and extremely emotional and it got to her. Then Gail saves her (completely) by saying thank you because it took courage and she had been wondering why no one ever burst before. That was sweet of you, Gail. Well done.

The Angelo Fashion Plate Video Package! He walks around in tight $300 pants. Slimer: “There’s an avocado in there.” Fabio: “…more like walnuts” Awesome!
Dale: “He might be a little girly but I feel a lot uglier being around him.” Everyone claps madly. Andy asks how Angelo describes his style, before he can answer- Dale: “Aquaman.” HILARIOUS!

Viewer Question! Would Gail rather go on a date with Angelo, Fabio or Spike? Gail says she has a connection with Spike since they’re both from Canada but she’s married. Pads answers the same question by saying she’d like to go on a date with either Elia or Casey “…or I could just motor boat Antonia.”

Pads reveals she just learned that word and was eager to use it. Also she had just started drinking rye straight from the cask.

Andy: “…viewers were outraged at one chef who just didn’t seem to be in the game.”
Jamie’s Video Package! Everyone talks smack. Jamie laughs at herself. Viewer question: did Jamie feel bad after seeing the footage of everyone else sucking it up and Jamie going to the hospital for two stitches?
Jamie: “Okay here’s the thing, actually I haven’t seen the finish. I actually haven’t watched the show…”

Waaaaaaaaaait a minute, you know what’s it time for…!
List Of Things Jamie Doesn't 'Do' Or Know!™
-bridal showers
-canned goods
-open a restaurant
-clean sardines
-braise celery ("never before in life")
-make a sauce from ham
-children (“ever”)
-work in a Chinese-style kitchen (“with the steamers and the wok stations and
all the other things that are in there”)
-WIN Top Chef or Top Chef All Stars (WAHOO! THANK BUDDHA!)
-watch Top Chef All Stars (a show she was on. Yeah.)

Jamie stopped because it was “painful for me to watch.”
OMJ! Jen Carroll makes a Whut?! face (man I wish they would fight!) Jamie says she went to get stitches and maybe it was a cop out but she has “a very small thumb” and is “a very small person.” Well that’s true!
Andy refers to Fabio’s injury. Jamie: “Fabio always has something to say about me…”
All of America has something to say about you, Lazybones!

White Tiff admits she was an a**hole and did a bunch of things wrong in her season and wrote the manual on how to NOT do this. Had she won, it would have been the worst thing in the world for her because it would have validated her bullshit.
Preach! (And that is why I’m glad Slimer didn’t win.)
A viewer asks if the chefs would come back for a third season and just about everyone raises their hand. Slimer “it all depends on who’s competing…” He would rather do a “mini-masters or something…”

Yeah, I’m with you Black Tiff and the Vandellas Earrings.

Now Curtis Stone joins the proceedings via Product Placement X-Box Kinect Yaaaaaaawn and asks, of course, who they’d send to Top Chef Masters cause it premieres after this. Dumbdumbdumb.

After the Angelo & Slimer and Fabio & Blais Bromance Video Package, Fabio kisses Blais’ face. It was the first time I’ve ever wanted to be a distressed, torn cheek.
Black Hammer Video Package! Jen Carroll says Antonia really has a curse. Then a viewer asks if Punchy Dale’s gf has the ring he said he would give her. Punchy Dale: “I haven’t got the check, man…I need that money first.” Awesome! Andy Cohen said he’d get it.

97% of viewers ask if Fabio has a gf- OMG WAIT, FABIO ISN’T MARRIED ANYMORE?!? Ummmmmmmm…
Fabio says he has a gf and “his private life is private.”
So, Ellie, you’re putting me up when I get to LA, right? And after we stalk…visit, Michael Voltaggio we lay down rounds of suppressing fire wherever Fabio lives and then extract him from said situation and transport him directly to my arms that are waiting in a bed, in a van, on its way to a Vegas chapel where we’ll be married. Execute Plan 387AlphaBravo NOW!

The Fabio Video Package! He kisses all the ladies, tells stories about his family, declares how things went in Restaurant Wars:
“The service was frog ass tight.”
And talks about how he walks his turtle in the summer. That is not a euphemism.

Finally we get to Slimer stealing Blais’ recipe. FLASHBACK to the whole event: Carla Cosby: “That’s chef law!”
Then on set, Slimer: “There’s no such thing as stealing an idea when it comes to food period. Everything’s been done before, some way, some how, some similarity.”

Casey (whoa! she looks like an extra from Falcon Crest- wth is with all the pearls and makeup? Homegirl went from hottie to nottie who works the costume jewelry counter at Loehman’s) says “You can’t copyright dishes.”
Yeah well I’d like to see Casey NOT complain to the Judges if that happened to her. Blais says under the circumstances there was a little inappropriateness but it all got settled.
Antonia: “are you gonna say it’s in bad taste that he saw it that morning and did it that night? I mean, he needed to execute it.” She also says Slimer didn’t break Chef Law. WHUT?! Ask CARLA, dood she came up with that phrase! Plus, Antonia and Slimer are cousins now! She’s prolly trying to get in on his potential pepperoni sauce fortunes!
Andy asks if they’ve kissed and made up, Blais: “We’re all inspired, what are you gonna do not go out to eat or not look in cookbooks anymore?” Now that’s class.
Gail says she plans on stealing Slimer’s pepperoni sauce. Please do!

Judge’s Video Package: flubs, swears, giggles and such. Viewer Question: Pads seemed noticeably more upset when she asked Tre to leave- yes! I want to know the answer to this!
Pads: “I do have a sweet spot for Tre but I’m always upset when anyone goes home.”
Sweet spot? Really? Remind me to look over all Tre/Pads interaction to see what in the hell is going on there.
Okay, this show is almost over…when are we getting to…YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
And now…Poolers…it’s…Elia v. Colicchio

Elia’s quote in the press: “He (Colicchio) has become someone who is not all about the food anymore, he’s not about Farmer’s Market’s, he’s all about high fructose corn syrup (Colicchio snickers at this) “and it’s all about corn-fed beef on all of his menus now.”
Elia says this came from going to have dinner at Craft in Las Vegas and the chef there saying they only had corn fed beef. She says after the release of the interview and Colicchio’s rebuttal she went back and grabbed a menu to see if she was wrong and she wasn’t.
Andy: “Sounded like you’re calling him a sell out.”
Elia: “Yah.”

Andy asks why. Elia: “Do you really want to talk about this?”.
Okay, honey, see, this is where you just need to stop getting defensive and stick to whatever corn fed meat guns you have. They’re ALREADY asking you questions. You’re ALREADY talking about it. Bring it!
Andy says after the show aired she came out with really strong statements and he wanted to talk about it. (Also, I’m Executive Producer of Top Chef, you’re effing with my franchise. Answer now or I’ll increase the humidity in the studio and your ringlet curls will blow up the size of Buicks!)
Elia says she doesn’t think Colicchio should have done a commercial for Diet Coke.

Then she says Diet Coke has a lot of bad stuff in it—

Then she says she thinks that for a person of Colicchio’s caliber that didn’t belong.
Wooooooooo. Then:
Colicchio: “Who here sells Diet Coke in their restaurants?”
About seven hands go up. (Well played Colicchio.)
Ms. Old Lady Casey: “I drink Diet Coke every day.” (it shows, Nana.)
Nice Guy Dale says he thinks the core of what Elia’s expressing (who asked for help here, Dale?) is Colicchio is an icon and when you get endorsements where is the line on where you sacrifice certain levels of integrity.
Colicchio: “…I draw the line on things I don’t use, I actually drink Diet Coke and I actually sell it.” (Again, solid rebuttal.)
He says he buys from small farmers and hasn’t spoken a bad word about Elia or what she said.
Wow. Well that WAITit goes on???
Elia: “Since I’ve arrived to this country I’ve really admired you and I heard amazing things of you and I saw the kind of animals that were brought into the place and broken down.”
Colicchio asks if he had been back into his kitchen.
Elia first says Yes and then No.
Awww man, don’t ruin it Elia, you had him and it was a good match.
Colicchio asks what chef she spoke to. Elia couldn’t remember- come on, Dood, really! I’d have PHOTOS and iPhone vidjoes of those chefs after this!
All the chefs speak out trying to get it to stop, quotes:
“the horse is dead, the horse is so dead”
“I feel very uncomfortable”
“let’s just move on”
Colicchio says Elia is wrong, they still serve grass fed beef and they never NOT serve corn fed beef in that restaurant.
Okay, now I’m confused…
Elia: “I think that if such a successful businessman, a chef like you, would only buy grass fed animals…
Colicchio: “Why?”
Elia: “…just listen to my- can I finish?”

Elia: I think you could make it happen for all the small farmers that are doing this…”
Colicchio replies that he buys more from grass fed farmers then she will in her lifetime. “I buy grass fed beef, it’s a steakhouse, you cannot operate a steakhouse if you’re NOT serving corn-fed beef, no one will come.”
He says he understands she was upset and she was the first person to go and that’s difficult and that there were four judges and the decision (for her to go) was unanimous.
Elia: “Okay.”
Colicchio: “This wasn’t personal but you chose to make it personal.”
But we’re not done yet!!
Nice Guy Dale says as cooks that want to emulate Colicchio and there is a responsibility in questioning that integrity being maintained throughout his career and I think that’s the core of what this is.
Colicchio: “That wasn’t a question, that was a statement.”
Nice Guy Dale: “It’s ah, I don’t think it’s um…”
Colicchio: “And let me just say this, I’ve been to so me of your restaurants, I’ve eaten your food on the show, I’ve never commented on any of that stuff off the show.”
Casey asks if he considers that off limits.
He says he does think it’s off limits to comment on what they do in their restaurants.
Colicchio: “This is a good lesson, as a young chef, be careful what you say in the press.
Andy asks if Elia regrets what she said.
Casey: “Elia you don’t have to comment.” (She’s a lawyer? That’s why she’s wearing pearls?!)
Elia: “No.”
Marcel: “Awwwwwwwwwwman!”
Elia: “I stand by it.”

Then, a much needed commercial break WOWHEE!
GOOD BUDDHA I wish Bourdain was there for that. Where the eff is Bourdain?!?
Next Video Package of More Judges and Bourdain (oh, there he is) and Carla Cosby that CANNOT compare to what we just witnessed.
That was fantastic.
I don’t necessarily stand by the TIMING of Elia’s statements (I mean, she was mad she was cut. She should have started the whole thing with—this isn’t about me being cut, I accept that) and she should have had her facts straight (seriously I woulda been all, it was Chef Susan Elizabeth Harrison that told me you only had corn-fed beef. Here’s her social security number, a strand of her hair and btw she has a cold sore, you might wanna keep her in the back of the house this week) but I really, really admire her for standing up to the whole Diet Coke thing.
What cable or major network that has advertisers would even ALLOW that discussion?!
Congrats Bravo. I enjoyed that thoroughly.
And I hope you all took a tiny bit o’ pleasure from this season of the Top Chef All Stars Pool! Thank you for playing! The checks were sent yesterday!

Hm…Jet says she’s down for Top Chef Masters….I guess it’s still not too late…as long as I receive your two picks and your cheddar by next Wednesday…and get at least 20 people...?


  1. Bravo, Bravo and Bravo, De! thank you for another blobtastic season and for the quality facial expression photos in this post!!