Poolers! Last week I opened lots of colorful notes and letters with your entry fees, thank you! I even received a special note from Fabio!!!
Now, this just in to the Reality Pool News Desk…
Which Chopped Chef (allegedly) wasn’t paying their staff and charging them for meals and now has to declare bankruptcy.
Can you believe that, Brownie?! Let’s see if his hair gets any whiter as this goes on…
Now on to the ep! The Masters walk in and see cheese. He stands next to a giant table of artisanal cheeses.
The QuickFire Challenge
Make a masterful cheese dish in twelve minutes.
Unibrow: “It takes me longer to shave.”
Well we know what you’re NOT shaving. That’s evident no matter what size teevees we all have.
Bet you don’t floss either.
TWELVE Minutes Starts Now!
Naomi grabs a stinky French cheese and attempts to fry a skirt steak, Tough Traci makes a cheese carpaccio. ChrisLyle says he became a chef because he opened his parents’ suitcases after they traveled hoping to find a model car and instead found stinky cheese.
ChrisLyle: “That aroma stayed with me.”
And his parents stayed with the police! Cheese Thieves!
Floyd steams corn on the cob and rolls it in Mexican cheese and dusts it with cayenne. Um, HELLO, Ellie made this for a BBQ at my Seester’s house. She SMASHED IT! That corn didn’t have time to get cold it went so fast!
Tio glances at Sweet Mary Sue who makes her own tortillas! Her own tortillas in 12 minutes?!
Tio (to Camera) “I felt like a schmuck.”
You should. You basically made a tiny little cheese app and last time you pooped a doo doo pudding with a ginger ball. Your lucky stars need to be thanked.
Suvir makes a cheese pakora in a presentation that’s “very Calvin Klein” and Paul Smith.
Okay, that’s it, Suvir needs his own show. Let’s do this, Bravo. Think about it, there aren’t any shows about Indian people. (You can’t count Outsourced.) Make this happen and have Fabio be a guest and any other hot chef with an accent stop by for brunch and I will be a Production Assistant.
Free PA at your disposal. What are you waiting for?
As the Masters watch on flat screen, Norbert from the Beverly Hills Cheese Shop judges the dishes based on the balance between the cheese and the recipe.
Norbert looks so much like a Norbert I wonder if he grew into the name or if they just didn't name him until like two years ago. Dood takes his cheese all too seriously (with two hands!) and would prolly be a serial killer if he weren’t plagued with massive digestion problems from eating all that gd dairy.
His least faves – Floyd’s corn on the cob, too much cayenne- (Floyd tries to jump back with “it’s a very traditional Mexican dish and that’s how they make it” but really, you should talk to Ellie, Floyd, she has that corn on lock!) Norbert also didn’t like all the onions in ChrisLyles’ onion gratin. (Ah, it’s an onion gratin.)
Favorites- Naomi’s Chaumes cheese toast with skirt steak, apples and onions and Tough Traci’s cheese carpaccio.
The winner- Tough Traci gets immunity and 5k for her charity! She does not win a free cheese wheel.
The Elimination Challenge
“Create beautiful food for a calorie conscience diet.”
Uh oh, I smell a cross-over promotion coming…yep, here’s Cara and Brett (the two trainers from The Biggest Loser no one knows) and the host of The Biggest Loser and former Days of Our Lives actress, Alison Sweeney.
Curtis has been on TBL many times doing food things and pretending he cares about the weight problem in our country. Suddenly, a table of The Biggest Loser’s favorite meals BEFORE they began Biggest Losering is wheeled out- 9 monster breakfasts, lunches and dinners. There’s everything from deep dish pizza, bacon cheeseburgers and French toast to fried chicken.
Unibrow: “I could feed my family off one plate for about a week.”
Unibrow has a family?! Do they live in his brow like in Horton Hears a Who?!
The Masters must form three teams and create a days worth of meals without going over the BL Contestant’s daily limit of…
Look out Curtis! Alex is gonna beat you like he beat cancer!
The Masters are lined up in random order and that’s how Stone distributes the plates of death: Naomi gets French toast, eggs and sausages; Tio, the bacon egg and bagel sammy; Sweet Mary Sue, corned beef hash and eggs over easy;
Tough Traci, a Chinese buffet that looks like something I ate in junior high for $5.99 that all came on one plate covered in “lobster” sauce. (I put that in quotes because we alllllllll know there was nary a lobster in that MF); Floyd gets the meatball parm sub with cheese; Unibrow, roast beef and potatoes (and these mashed potatoes had sour cream, cheese and bacon on them, Lordy); Alex, the fried chicken combo with creamed corn-
Alex no happy. As usual, he asks himself how he's gonna do this.
Suvir gets the bacon cheeseburger and fries and ChrisLyle the deep dish pizza. They each have to make brownies as well- huh? But they can work with a nutritionist. Yay?
Then, oh here are the Biggest Losers enter to talk each chef about their favorite dishes. Unibrow: “Hi, I’m roast beef.”
Suvir tries to get his BL Contestant to try a veggie burger even though she loves her bacon cheeseburger action. As a chef who has worked on those dishes “shame on me if I present anything but a veggie burger.” Alex shares his own weight loss story with his BL Contestant: 90 pounds in the past two years. He started losing weight because he had cancer three years ago.
Wow! That looks like a totally different person. Alex says he’s gonna make a brownie that tastes like a brownie but won’t feel like a brownie. His BL Contestant turns and alludes to her a**: “Will it look like a brownie?”
Alex: “It’s not gonna look like a brownie. That’s a good looking brownie.”
Hm, Alex flirting makes me think he’s going home. That or getting a divorce.
Unibrow, Tio & Tough Traci. Their dishes as is total 4912 calories. (Jesus.)
Alex, Sweet Mary Sue and Suvir – 4351 calories
Floyd, ChrisLyle and Naomi – 5113 calories
Basically each dish has to net out at 500 calories so the team total is 1500. In honor of this, I have stopped inhaling the carob scone I got off layaway at Whole Foods this afternoon.
30 Minutes to shop!
The trainers are in attendance to help count calories which Mary Sue is appreciative of since calories are foreign to her. Naomi buys Stevia to make syrup for her French toast, ChrisLyle buys lowfat cheese for his pizza.
Back at the TCM kitchen, everyone struggles with the calorie issues and the time. Suvir is an avid calorie counter, especially on the farm he has in upstate New York. He puts peanuts in his veggie burger. (That sounds durty.)
Here come the Judge!
The Biggest Losers are sprinkled amongst the Critics: The Barber, Restaurant Girl, Curtis and, hey, Baby-faced Alan Sytsma, Editor of Grub Street is back.
Restaurant Girl pretends she’s interested in how much weight The BL Contestants have lost. Just before her dishes go out Naomi realizes the Stevia has an overpowering taste…Uh oh.
But her French toast with berries, scrambled eggs and turkey bacon looks delicious. (And went from 940 calories to 275!) Everyone likes the berries and the sweetness, no Stevia problems!
Mary Sue’s turkey vegetable hash and poached egg (from 1110 calories to 390) is called “ugly” by The Barber.
The BL Contestant thinks it has flavor but doesn't dig the egg on top.
Tio intros her turkey bacon & egg whites on ‘Ezekiel bagel’ with vegetables (from 1230 calories to 291) and says she was trying to make her own bagel…but you didn’t, homey. You just cut out a circle of toasted Ezekiel bread.
You know what? I think you’re lazy.
Her dish is met with Eh. The Barber really wanted fat and salt after eating it. Not a compliment.
Floyd presents a buffalo meatball with onions and tomatoes, farro (I HEART FARRO, it’s a grain like a fat cous cous, really meaty) spinach, cheese, tomato sauce & asparagus. The Barber says he packed a wallop of flavor into it and Curtis is actually nervous about going back to the BL ranch to cook for the contestants knowing they’ve had that- step it up, Stone!
Alex’s oven fried chicken, sweet potato puree, cream corn and corn bread (that he forgot to add applesauce to to make moist) looks like a plate of animal turds a zoologist might be asked to identify in the wild.
Grub Street and The Barber don't like the chicken but the BL Contestant thinks it's just as juicy and tasty as fried chicken. The cornbread, however, was a brick.
Tough Traci’s Chinese buffet- beef & broccoli, napa cabbage salad, white rice (white rice? Boo!) & wonton soup (from 1240 to 365 calories) was “a pleasing little mouth full” and the BL Contestant cleaned his plate! Then Grub Street: “Am I gonna order this? Am I gonna rave about it? No, but I think that it satisfies some of the cravings that you have when you want Chinese buffet.”
Hey, Baby Face, you’re sitting right next to someone who has been eating protein shakes and vegetables microwaved in a plastic bag in between 8 hours of daily workouts with four trainers. Dood ate all his, be respectful!
Hmmm, this brings up an important issue. The Biggest Loser Contestants are currently eating NINE MEALS IN ONE SITTING. How the hell are they gonna work this off? Jillian Michael’s is gonna rip them all new ones!
ChrisLyle’s whole wheat pizza with tomato coulis, smoked mozzarella & vegetables went from WHOA 2280 calories to 309! He should win based on that alone! They love the basil, the smoked cheese and all the veggies. Suvir presents his dish and says that it brings in a lot of color and has vegetables and beans that can give you all the protein meat can without the bad calories.
Poolers, it’s time for another Slice Of Zen with Suvir:
“I was hoping to make a statement that it’s very easy to be fooled into eating red meat and thinking you’re eating good calories.”
“Red meat is a direct enemy of our hearts…and uh…” Uh oh.
“…and as a nation we’ve really got it wrong…”
“…for so many decades that we are the fattest nation in the world.”
Unibrow, feeling as if Suvir has “crossed the line,” presents his flank steak as very lean and not as "sinister as Suvir has let on." Everyone laughs, tension relieved! His flank steak, salsa verde, fingerling potatoes & white & green asparagus salad went from 1679 to 315 calories. Impressive.
Then, in the kitchen, Unibrow: “Maybe you don’t do that right in front of my red meat.” Suvir walks on.
Unibrow whines to Tough Traci as if she’s the Presentation Police. Then he yells: “I would never do that!”
Suvir: “I’m sinister. You did plenty.”
Suvir: “Nothing. You did plenty, more than you should have.”
Suvir says (to CAMERA) you’re fooling yourself to eat a smaller portion of red meat. Then he eats a “sinister brownie.”
Unibrow says if the gloves had come off he wishes he had been told because he’s more than happy to jump into the fight.
Um, no one tells you when the gloves come off, a**y. You watch, they come off and you get hit in the brow. Duh.
Meanwhile the consensus is that ChrisLyle’s pizza is great; Suvir’s burger almost tastes like a potato and Unibrow’s dish is delicious. The BL Contestant who wanted roast beef and potatoes and is thrilled with Uni's interpretation actually shares his roast beef with the Contestant who wanted the bacon cheeseburger. Restaurant Girl: “Right there she gets her beef, there you go.”
In the kitchen, Naomi says she feels honored to have cooked for the Contestants. Unibrow says their main courses combined were under a thousand calories so “we were very over achieving skinny people.”
Dood, you do realize there’s a camera there, right?
The final calorie counts? Floyd, ChrisLyle and Naomi: 1221
Unibrow, Tio & Tough Traci ended up with 1263
Alex, Sweet Mary Sue and Suvir: 1368
The Critic’s ask to see Naomi, Floyd and ChrisLyle.
They had…the best meals!
After the compliments the winner is…Floyd!
His charity (the Young Scientists Cancer Research Fund) gets $10,000! Hooray!
Offenders? Suvir, Mary Sue and Alex (Mary Sue AGAIN!!!??? And what about Tio?! She made a circle of bread!)
Suvir says he had to take the difficult road of giving his client something she may not enjoy but there was a statement to be made. He told himself whether he gets slapped or not that’s what he needed to do. The Barber asks why make a “wedge of mock meat”?
Suvir: “James, you have to somehow make them have a new dialogue.”
Grub Street says Suvir was cooking for himself, not the diner. Suvir counters with the fact that he works with people who are losing weight and says it’s very easy to keep meat as an option but they have a pandemic of obesity.
Curtis says he thought Suvir’s dish was very good but he works with The Biggest Loser (don’t eff with my paycheck) and he knows nutrition (as much as someone who needs precious hours to use this much hair gel can) and didn’t know if you could compare the epidemic with obesity with meat consumption. He says there a lot of other things that contribute. True but I have a few books for you, Curt…
Suvir apologizes which I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Master do.
The Critic’s didn’t like Mary Sue’s egg or the consistency of her hash. Grub Street asks why Alex put the cornbread on the plate if he knew it was leaden. He says it was instinctual to give the diner what she wanted.
The Critic’s deem Alex’s sides terrible but Grub Street said the BL Contestant loved the dish and that was the challenge. Restaurant Girl says Suvir served a lecture on a plate. Curtis asks why Mary Sue is there if she can’t make a proper egg. Grub Street says she’s trying to be good not great. Ouch.
In the end, Restaurant Girl talks from the side of her mouth and tells Suvir his “burger had none of the juicy succulence we crave in a burger.” The Barber says Alex’s food tasted like low cal food with every mouthful. Grub Street tells Mary Sue her hash was comforting and rustic but it just didn’t rise to the level of a Top Chef Masters dish. Then he asks if he can borrow her car to go to the movies because he looks like her son. (Real talk, three times in front of the Critics? I think Mary Sue might crack and start making Sweeney Todd pies.)
The Chef who was asked to leave is..
WHY cause he dissed meat?!? Bravo didn’t think the sponsors could handle it?! FARG. I think he should hook up with Elia and take on the meat and soft drink industries, STAT!
As they walk out, The Barber says he admires Suvir’s intent and applauds his goals and sincerity (nice touch) but it was bland, boring food (nail in coffin.)
Well, Poolers, I guess this is our final Slice Of Zen with Suvir:
Suvir: (to CAMERA) “If I had done what Hugh (Unibrow) did with red meat I would have failed myself and everyone who has ever invested time in me to educate me about this issue.”
Meanwhile Unibrow tries not to smile…unsuccessful!
He says he likes “the guy” (you didn’t shake hands with him!) and that it’s sad to see anyone go (liar!) but there are a lot of ways to change the way people eat (make them hairier?!) and Suvir seems to think his way is the only way.
So, though it’s early in the competition, and I’m terribly shocked at these developments, Colucci and Gbag, I must sadly ask you to pack your knives.
Suvir: “I could not have left the show at a higher point cause I leave for my convictions, having made a little difference.”
Dayum, Suvir. You coulda suppressed those convictions for an ep or two! Sigh.
Tough Traci tells Suvir he's a visionary and his integrity will take him very far. Suvir: "This is the best exit, thank you."
Then the secret weapon in Tough Traci's dead eyes burns out Suvir's soul.
Next week, oh HEY! Daisy's burger is on the menu at The Four Seasons! That's not a euphemism! Get there next Tuesday night (5/2)!
And Wednesday, the Masters have to work at...a fast food drive thru?!
TOP CHEF MASTERS POOL
KAT Mary Sue and Naomi
LOGUE Tough Traci
Q Mary Sue and Floyd
BROWNIE Tough Traci
LB Mary Sue and Alex
NIKKI M. Hugh
STRIPES Mary Sue and Tough Traci
ELLIE Mary Sue and ChrisLyle (George)
DOWD Tough Traci
KRISTEN K. Tough Traci and ChrisLyle
LUCY Tough Traci and ChrisLyle
JET Tough Traci
JENNA Mary Sue and Floyd
BERTSCH Tough Traci and Floyd
FRANBANAN Mary Sue and ChrisLyle
DAISY Floyd and ChrisLyle