Thursday, March 17, 2011

“You hold your breath, you dive down, and you grab the conch... It was hard.”

Hi there,

First off I would like to say good-bye to Carla Cosby:

from Mortimer Ichabod Marker, Fat Albert, and all the Cosby Kids. Hootie-hoo, Carla, Hootie-hoo. I haven’t felt this bad for you since two weeks ago, when your husband said he met you by “typing a bunch of weird stuff” into a dating website.

I am very honored to be filling in for Ms. D. She is a tough act to follow for sure. I am really glad that this week wasn’t the finale. In addition to having one more week of TCAS, it would’ve been way too much pressure to have to cover such a big episode on the blob. I take back everything I said about how lame it was that they advanced 5 people to the Bahamas.

That’s not true. It was still really lame. Everyone knows that the only way to go to the Bahamas is with 2 girls and 2 guys, and that you should keep it a secret from everyone you know.

These posts usually start off in one of three ways:

1. A link to a tweet or a blog post of a famous chef.
2. A quote from Jet Li.
3. A lewd comment about an attractive chef with an accent.

I didn’t have time to gather all that stuff, so I’ll just do the best I can. First here is a link to one of the two food blogs I am aware of:

Congrats GBG on your two year blogiversary. I know this is a little belated, as it was on 2.23, but since you haven’t posted since then, I figured I would be ok. Daisy, on the other hand, has posted 243 times since February. She’s also updated four of her posts since I started typing this paragraph.

Secondly, I haven’t been to Delux in a while but I did find a quote by the actor Jet Li, from Lethal Weapon 4:

“If this was Hong Kong, you'd already be dead.”

I know it’s not very appropriate, but it was the only one on IMDb. Most of the quotes are between Riggs and Murtaugh and involve being “too old for this sh!t”...

Lastly, there aren’t really any foreign chefs I find terribly attractive. I guess I’ll have to settle for the guest judge, Lorena Garcia. I had never seen her before the first episode of America’s Next Great Restaurant, which I watched immediately prior to Top Chef. I think it will be an interesting show, but I really do not like Bobby Flay at all. Mostly because he was very disrespectful BOTH times he was on the original Iron Chef and partly because he talks like someone bit the tip of his tongue off. I’m sure D will end up watching it since Curtis Stone is on it. And next week we’ll hear how she has a Fast Casual Place that he can put his investment in.

And now that all old business has been addressed, back to Lorena and last night’s Quickfire Challenge!

For some reason Blais is wearing a winter hat in the Bahamas and is trying to get Slimer out of bed. He complains a bit as usual, and they walk out the door. They show up to the Atlantis Kitchen and find out that they have to divide themselves into pairs and make 100 identical dishes in 1 hour. Blais looks to Slimer, I suppose he figures Slimer’s just gonna steal his dish anyways, so he may as well work with him. Slimer goes against his family, to avoid teaming up with the Black Hammer, who picks Black Tiff because she has no other choice. She says she would’ve picked Black Tiff anyways. Slimer proclaims that he and Blais are obviously the favorites, as if his inclusion on the team has anything to do with that fact. Blais decides they should make a Pork Bolognese with fresh Macaroni and Pecorino Cheese. Slimer then goes on to explain that making fresh pasta in an hour is pretty much unheard of...

Sidebar: I am really tired of cheftestants telling us how impossible it is to cook all the things they choose to do. There are two challenges on every single episode of all 8 seasons of this show, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have seen someone not finish. Shut your pie-hole Slimer and just do what Blais tells you. More on his big fat mouth later.

Antonia and Black Tiff decide to make a Seared Beef Tenderloin Salad with Lentils and Celery Leaves. The challenge for this dish is in the plating which Black Tiff starts immediately. Each team takes turns trashing the other’s dish with Blais calling the girls’ dish “Slice and Serve” and Antonia referring to the boys’ plating technique as “Scooping”. Scooping is what we used to call Making Out when I was a kid, and to be truthful, if it’s anywhere near as hard to do for them as it was for me when I was 14, then, Slimer might be right, it is unheard of. Hands up, Utensils down. The Judges pick two plates each, and tell Slimer that the pasta was cooked well, ensuring that the simple act of boiling water will now go to his head, which he proves by saying that he could’ve done Antonia’s and Tiff’s dish by himself while he sent Blais out for beer. The only part of this sentence I believe is that he would’ve sent Richard to the store because he’d be too lazy to drag his fat ass out the front door. They cut to the diners briefly, but since no one cares what real people think, we go back into the kitchen to find out that Antonia and Black Tiff take it. They scream and hug as the boys pout and keep strangely touching their faces.

And it’s time for the Elimination Challenge, Lunch with the Commodore. The theme for the party is “Deserted Island”. Richard wonders if it’s going to be Lord of the Flies, proving that he hasn’t looked up from his liquid nitrogen tank and at a TV since well before “Lost”. Lorena tells us that the most notable ingredient they will find on the island is conch, and with her accent I thought for a moment that maybe we do have a viable foreign lady-chef for the fellas. But alas, she is just talking about the shellfish. The chefs leave to get some rest and in the morning Slimer steals from Blais again, but this time only his hair gel. Black Tiff brushes her signature pearly whites and no one really seems to care what Antonia does to get ready.

The cheftestants arrive on the dock, and Padma’s bikini enables one part of Slimer to get there before the rest of him. Just before they cut back to Padma, Mikey’s voice cracks as he says “morning” and then he moves his messenger bag in front of him, like a second grade school boy who just found out that his body is changing. Padma stands in a different model pose every time we cut back to her, as Captain Andy is totally psyched the camera can’t see his where his eyes are looking thru his mirrored sunglasses. The chefs get on the boat and do that stupid thing where people in a boat wave to everyone else who is also in a boat.

When they get to the island, Slimer awkwardly jumps into the water which I’m pretty sure is what caused all the recent troubles in Japan [aaaaaaaand, Aflac just fired me from directing their next round of commercials...] They all get to the beach and find that they have everything they need, except conch. Mike Isabella takes off his shirt just to prove he has bigger boobs than Padma and they all jump in the water. They start to dive for some suspiciously well placed conch shells, and Blais shows us that he can’t even sink, which is the one part of swimming that even Natalie Wood could do. They head back to the beach and start to awkwardly brake the conch open. They also complain about every single aspect of the challenge, grills, fire, sand and lack of liquid nitrogen and I start to realize at this point, I really don’t want any of these jerks to actually win. Black Tiff jumps up and down rejoicing because she actually gets one out of the shell whole and quiets down once she realizes that it’s still moving and in the close-up it looks like a live heart beating on the plate. She tells us she will be making Conch Chowder with Coconut and a Conch Ceviche. Later we find out that she puts Cilantro in the dish just to prove she can make the dish with the most C’s. Slimer makes Grouper steamed in a Banana Leaf with a Warm Conch Vinaigrette and makes a sweet local Pineapple savory. I get the feeing that he stole that idea from Michael V in some conversation they had during the last episode. Blais decides he’s going to do “a play” on linguine and clam sauce, with sweet potatoes and conch. I will take a momentary interlude to write a letter to Richard:

Dear Richard,

Instead of having your sweet potatoes “mimic” pasta, you could try and “mimic” a winning dish. Perhaps if you stopped making all your dishes “a play” on something, and just make them into good food, you might win as much as you think you should. Which reminds me, how is it that you hate everything you do, but still think you should win every time. I’ll tell you what I really hate. I really hate that I picked you this time around and would rather be completely eliminated than win the $6.34 I would get after splitting my winnings with every other idiot who picked you.

Your Pal,

Now back to the matter at hand. Everyone puts on their chef coats, and we get a glimpse of what Antonia is making. Showing that he’s truly her family, Slimer totally belittles, not only this dish, but her entire style of cooking. Antonia says she needs more wood [yeah, we could tell that by looking at you honey...] and tries to make sure each peace of fish is cooked the same. An air horn blows and here come the judge[s].

They walk onto the beach all dressed in white. Tom dressed in white is so translucent that he appears to be nothing but a floating soul patch. They sit around a large table and are joined by an Ex-Commodore who is not Lionel Ritchie. Blais tells everyone he loves them and it only makes me hate him even more. He serves his “Hamptons Dish” with undercooked lobster but manages to fool Tom the Italian into thinking that his sweet potato is actually pasta. Antonia serves her Seared Snapper with a Conch Tartar. It is so spicy that Gail pretends to burn her mouth so she can justify gulping down some more white wine. Tom’s conch is too small and his fish is over-cooked. In a rare twist, Tiff finishes her dish too early and her hot soup with cold conch cools down too much. Gail tells a brief story that shows that she is not only buzzed but also rich and forgetful. Slimer’s up next with a “next level” version of the dish that sent Elia home in the first episode and in true Slimer fashion, he does not a waste a moment to sh!t on her as well by calling her dish elementary. He was barely tolerable when he was a f*cking loser, and now that’s he’s winning a few he is utterly despicable. He’s like that girl in high school who, based on her outward appearance, should’ve had a “good personality”, but didn’t. The Bahamians found the fish was overwhelmed, but Gail adored the pineapple. Padma thanks her guests and sensing they’re about to go to judges table, Gail takes one last gulp of wine for the road.

The Chefs sit around and complain some more, except Black Tiff who did exactly what she set out to do. At judges table, they show that stacked shot of the judges that is in every single episode. I always wonder how long it takes them to shoot this part, and how awkward it must be to stand around while they are shooting coverage. Pretty much they say all nice things, as if their family was dining with them again. And they’re sent back to the nicest “stew room” ever. More sulking and complaining. These chefs are bitchier than the entire Las Vegas cast was dirty.

Slimer wins and starts bragging some more. He says he kicked Mike V’s ass [you only won by one son] and his swollen head only serves to make him weigh even more.

With a decision that really should’ve been made prior to even going to the Bahamas, the judges send Black Tiff on her way. She cries a bit and “hopes to see all y’all in Dallas someday”. She leaves with dignity, saying she was out-cooked, and with that I must ask Kat, Q and Ruby to PYK&G. The Black Hammer Strikes Again!



LB Antonia

STRIPES Blais and Antonia


LUCY Blais


HOLLY F. Blais


CC Blais

JET Blais

DOWD Blais



  1. Well done, Colucci! And thanks!
    Owner & Proprietor
    Fast Casual Place That Curtis Stone Can Put His Investment In

  2. I think you're on to the next Top Chef series here. Top Chef: Secret Vacation. Nice blobbing, Biscuit.