Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Mikey gave it to me twice..."

First off, let’s hear it for Colucci! HOORAY!

Thank you again for taking over the blob, My Friend. You did a Crantastic (cranberry-flavored fantastic) job! You knew how to make hypertext! You identified my weakness (Curtis Stone!) You pointed out that Slimer had a boner when he saw Padma in a bikini! You made me LOL (and I don’t even TYPE the letters LOL because it infuriates me!) Hmmm…maybe Colucci should do this instead of me. Quiet as it’s kept, he almost had to, while I was in Buenos Aires the head of the union was being investigated by the Swiss and to avoid prosecution he called for a transit strike- no truckers, buses, cabs and, potentially, no Argentine airport facility workers. We could have flown to Uruguay to escape it but there wasn’t time so if it weren’t for the Swiss dropping the investigation and the union head calling it off (gotta love a banana republic, the real one, not the store, that stuff is crappier than the Gap) I would still be in BA now and flying back Thursday night. Now that I’ve felt this cold a** air I should have encouraged the Swiss to stick to their guns. Or chocolate and watches. Whatever the hell they arm themselves with so I could stay in that 76-degree weather drinking fantastic five-dollar bottles of wine.
But now on with the show!

This ep begins with the boys of the Final Three (Blais and Slimer) saying Tiffany was a warrior. FLASHBACK to Tiffany’s own sing-songy words: “I was OUTCOOOked.”
To be honest, Tiffany should have gone home long ago but the fact that she is self-taught and started her career as a kid in an IHOP speaks volumes. Vol 1: I’m Gonna Make A STEWWWWW.
Vol 2: I Like A Hot Soup With A Cold Ceviche On Top!
And that last Volume, eye shadowed Black Tiff, is why you went home. Now that we’re here, I hardly think you’d be able to handle the-

QuickFire Challenge!
Padma in a scoop neck, mustard yellow, short-sleeved dress, stands next to an elf in a powder blue linen shirt- Oh, it’s Wolfgang Puck everyone.
Notice how in the world of culinary TV Stars Puck is barely a blip? Sure he has plenty o’ restaurants and owns the LA Oscar dinner scene (look, it’s a gold chocolate Oscar dessert, yawn) but Puck has a lot of running to do if he wants to chase this train. I think he’s too old for this game.


Look at him! He’s exhausted already!
Also, this could be an ad for why men need nipple tassels. Or rather, covers -not the fringe action.

Pads reveals seven classic QuickFires from past seasons and says the chefs would pick who would take them on. Since Slimer won the last elimination he picks first: “Canned Foods” for Antonia. What a Dickmobile!
Antonia picks “Hot Dogs” for Blais.
Blais wants to make this difficult for Slimer so he chooses “One Pot.” Meaning he can cook anything he wants, he just has to use one pot. Antonia says Blais is not very smart. I concur wholeheartedly. I think he’s done grinding his teeth and is now chewing his own brain matter.

45 Minutes Starts Now!
Antonia grabs a billion cans; Slimer puts pork and beans into a pressure cooker; Blais makes fresh bread to go with the store bought hot dogs and concocts a ketchup curry. Then Pads waltzes in.
Slimer: “Uh oh.”
She says they each get to assign a classic Top Chef twist to their competitors. Yeah Bravo Producers, bring it!
The choices:
‘Cooking with one hand’
‘Finishing the dish without any knives or hand tools’
The third- IN WALKS CARLA COSBY wearing a ‘double apron!’
WOW! You’ve outdone yourself, Bravo! Blow jobs all around!!!

They pick in reverse order. Blais gives Slimer the ‘no knives or utensils twist’ that really means nothing at this point since all his food is already in the pressure cooker. (Blais, seriously, you are slipping.)
Antonia tells Richard he has to ‘cook with one hand’ and puts on the ‘double apron’ with Carla. Slimer makes a salad by squeezing limes on the corner of a shelf then as he waits for his pork to cook, he walks around laughing at everyone. I am not lying.
Meanwhile Blais sweats as he tries to cut and cook with one hand. Apparently not the j.o. hand cause he seems to be struggling horribly and his bread looks like burnt, wet newspaper blobs (actual blobs, not blogs.)

In the end, Antonia’s curry coconut soup with shrimp, andouille sausage, peanuts and fish sauce has great, strong flavors but it’s a little too concentrated. Contradicting yourself there, Puck.
Puck says Blais’ hot dog on handmade roti bread with curry ketchup, mayo and mint leaves could be fed to Puck’s kids. “They’d like it.” (You can tell from the crookedness of Blais’ mouth he isn’t sure if this is a compliment.) It was, however, a little “ketchuppy.” Which I don’t think is a bad thing, but then I put ketchup on everything in America. Delicious!
Slimer’s pork shoulder with black beans, chili paste, ginger and cabbage salad has balance but the pork could have been a little more tender.
The winner who gets 5k and potentially stop chewing their tongue? Slimer—Holy Sheet!
I, like Blais, put my face in my hands. This Dood is on a roll. He’s prolly been eating it but the roll is still enough of a circle to motor him towards the winner’s circle.

The Elimination Challenge
The three must make a ‘last supper’ for Puck, Michelle Bernstein and Iron Chef and Japanese hottie, Morimoto!
Since Slimer won the QuickFire, he picks who will cook for whom. Dayum.
He takes Michelle Bernstein since she said he over seasoned his food during his season in Vegas. He wants to prove himself.
He effs Antonia (again!) and gives her Morimoto and picks Puck for Blais since Blais is “known to be one the Top Chefs of all time…” (who said this now??) and he wants “…to compete against him in the finals because I want to beat the best to be the best.” Dood, take the stairs. Beat an elevator.

Before the chefs split up, Pads pulls an envelope from behind her back and says they’ll reveal that twist later. Is it a Maury Povitch paternity test?!? Antonia, Slimer is the father of your daughter!!!

The chefs break up with the Chef Judges.
Puck talks goulash and strudel (oh boy) and Blais says they aren’t allowed to have recipes sooo…
Morimoto tells a tale of how his mother would make a bento box for him after he played baseball. He said each grain of rice has to be the same size to cook correctly and his mother used to pick out the longer grains by hand. Yup. Slimer really did eff his cousin.
Bernstein and Slimer sit down and she says her last meal is…fried chicken, biscuits and gravy???!!! So they just WANT Slimer to win?

In the hotel, Antonia: “Mikey gave it to me twice today.”
Slimer: “This should be a walk in the park for you, me and Blais have the toughest ones.” (!!!) He says he picked Bernstein over Morimoto because he knew she would be the toughest challenge.
Really? Cause I can bust out a dope fried chicken, biscuits and gravy SANS recipes right MFing now and I’m a gd vegan!

In the kitchen the next morning, Slimer, who said he’s never made a biscuit in his life and is not doing one now- makes an empanada with an egg yolk in it and shows Colicchio his sous vide meats (Har.) Colicchio (To Camera) says Slimer clearly picked the easiest dish (Thank Buddha someone sees this!) Antonia tastes her hamachi for the bento box (that sounds durty) and it’s rancid! Oh Gawd. She has to use tuna! Pandemonium as Blais can’t get the top off his pressure cooker!
Sundown!

Bernstein wears a red satin one shouldered gown in an attempt to compete with Pads. Es imposible. Pads sports a purple and fuchsia print gown. Gail is in a purple dress; Colicchio rocks it open shirt and blazer style; Melanie Dunlea, author and photographer of the book My Last Supper is in attendance with a traditionally Japanese garbed Morimoto and a tired looking Puck (No Bourdain AGAIN?! Come on!)

Antonia replaces the hamachi with tuna and presents a sashimi with pickled daikon, mushrooms, Asian pear, eggplant, miso soup and rice. Morimoto says the miso is too salty and Gail gets a scotch bonnet pepper and chokes on it, No! Bernstein and the photographer think the rice, the hardest part, is perfect but Colicchio says Japanese food is subtle and this isn’t. Subtle BURN!

Slimer’s fried chicken with pea puree, egg yolk empanada and mustard gravy is elegant according to Puck. Morimoto says his chicken was dry; Gail’s wasn’t crispy enough. Bernstein says it’s not what she would have done but she loves that. Oh Michelle Bernstein, so easily turned on by chicken and biscuits. Guess everyone Does needs a little KFC.

Blais presents beef goulash, spaetzle with sour cream and apple strudel with crumbled tarragon cream and honey. Gail finds the strudel outstanding, Colicchio thinks the food should have been hotter. Puck says his mother would have been proud. Wow.

Pads calls the final three out in front of everyone. “Judge’s Table stars now.” Oh snap!
Bernstein throws shade on Slimer’s chicken: not juicy enough, skin not crispy enough. (Turnabout!)
Puck doesn’t know how Blais got the flavors for the goulash so right on but he calls the strudel tough. Morimoto thanks Antonia but says (with the help of subtitles) it is a little bit different from what he expected. The soup was salty but it was “very interesting…thank you very much.”
Colicchio looks to Blais: “If this season was about redemption for you, you are one step closer. You will be cooking in the finale.”
Wow, just whipping dicks out? No foreplay?
Everyone claps. Blais is teary and finally elated. Or as elated as one can be who grinds his own teeth to dust from stress on reg.
Pads tells Antonia and Slimer only one of them is be moving on. Then…she…pulls…out…the envelope…
“You remember this?”
Antonia reads: “There will be one more challenge to determine who claims the last spot in the finale.”
YESSSSSSSSSSS BRING IT ANTONIA, BRING IT! SLAY SLIMER!
They have 45 minutes to make one bite.
ONE BITE! Seven Judges, seven bites. Whoever wins get the last spot.
Time Starts Now!!!
They each sprint off leaving Blais standing there.
In the kitchen, Slimer grabs beef tenderloin and lobster tails. Antonia finds grouper and goes for a spicy coconut broth with lobster tails.
OMG.
Colicchio says they’re exhausted and having to go back to the kitchen is nerve wracking. Actually it’s pretty gd mean of them. Imagine taking the SATs and then being told you have to take one more final.
Calculus.
And you’re hung over.
From Tequila Sunrise in a bottle…
Time’s Up! The cousin’s hug each other.
Here we go!
Each Judge receives the two bites at the same time.
Antonia intros her seared grouper in coconut curry lobster broth with peanuts and a yam, apple and dill pollen relish.
Slimer, tempura lobster tail over beef tartare on top of red chili potatoes with caramelized olives and chimichurri sauce. (Caramelized olives?! Yummmm.)

Gail calls Antonia’s dish powerful. Morimoto says he wants a bigger piece (Nice.) Bernstein says Slimer’s dish didn’t wow her but the olive sauce drew her in. The photographer is “visual” and shocked at the differences in the colors of Slimer’s dish. (Honey, we’re shocked you got an invite. Who are you?! Where Is Anthony Bourdain??!!) Morimoto says the dishes are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

In the Stew Room, Slimer’s face drips like a faucet. Antonia has the jimmy leg. Meanwhile, Gail: “If I had to pick one bite to have again…” She picks Slimer’s.
Bernstein – Slimer…
Morimoto – Antonia (wow!)
Pads – Antonia…
The photographer – Antonia…
Colicchio – Slimer…
Puck says tomorrow he’d remember Antonia’s flavor but Slimer’s tartare was technically perfect…

When the chefs are called back in front of the table Colicchio tells them it was a split three to four. Pads: “You came into this as competitors, you leave as cousins.”
Honestly, who cares? Cousins ARE competitors. Sheet. I have one I’m still pissed at for not returning my Evelyn Champagne King 45!

Then Pads asks
Antonia, noooo!
Antonia weeps. Man. I wanted her to go all the way.
She says she’s been here before but this feels worse. She hugs Blais and (To Camera) says her daughter is the only thing that will make her feel better right now.
Awwwww. And so, LB, I must ask you to pack your knives and go…

After Antonia leaves, Slimer says “this is what we wanted and we got it.” Sorry, Brownie but I wanna see this guy go down. He’s just such a gigantic phallus!
Next Week, the Finale For Reals.
According to the tape they have to create the restaurant of their dreams, wow! And all the Chefs are---- FABIO’S BACK! Panties kapowed!


TOP CHEF ALL STARS

COLUCCI Blais

STRIPES Blais

COLANTO Blais

LUCY Blais

BROWNIE Slimer

HOLLY F. Blais

KRISTEN K. Blais

CC Blais

JET Blais

DOWD Blais

LOGUE Blais

3 comments:

  1. well brownie is looking good....me thinks says
    Nikki M

    ReplyDelete
  2. In the words of the late great Tupac Shakur "it's just me against the world, baby"

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think this means Brownie buys us all drinks, Nikki! YAY!

    ReplyDelete