Thursday, March 3, 2011

"I wouldn't feed that to my cat."

Some duedilly off the bat.
An email from Jet: “you will love” She is right! Carla Cosby is purdy!

Next up: Master Chef (and 5-star Frenchie) Ludo Lefebvre gets his own show on the Sundance Channel! In Ludo Bites America he travels across the US to reinvent American cuisine in short term pop up restaurants.  Spoiler alert: he’s married. Yah. Bumsville for us daydream believers. But there can still be a TV show with him and Fab, right?

AND finally-
Eye candy just got blonde:!
Bravo is revamping the format of Top Chef Masters for its third season premiering April 6 at 11p.  12 new chefs compete for the title and 100k for their charity of choice. But now they’re judged in elimination style challenges similar to the original Top Chef with Chef Curtis Stone (nom nom nom) as the new host! After its premiere, Top Chef Masters will move to its regular time slot of 10p on April 13.

Now let’s dive in!
At the top of the ep, Blais is sad, he wanted to get to the end with Dale. He tells Tiffany she’s invincible. (Well she IS 5’ 10”.)
In the “bar” Slimer drinks liquor and looks exhausted. (He should look grateful that Blais is back to calling him “Mikey” considering the Grand Theft he committed.) Antonia speaks to her daughter on cell. We see photos (adorable!) and she tears up. Or maybe she’s just thinking about that blunt hidden in the sock drawer in her bedroom. Stoner has gone two months sans weed, ya’ll! She’s gonna be a Chronic virgin when she gets back!

The next morning in the TC All Star house, Slimer wonders what’s next. Blais asks Antonia and she says: “Is Padma coming here?” Knock, Knock, in walks Pads!
(Oh man now she’s psychic too? It’s not enough for her to be crazy hot? She’s gotta read minds and show up at residences?)
In skin tight jeans, high beige boots and a bluish/purplish button down shirt, Pads tells the chefs they have to take a ferry to Ellis Island where those who are here illegally will be deported after a stiff face slap from John McCain.
Psyched your mind! (That’s what my cousin in Philly used to say all the time when we were little. Also, if I did something ‘cold’: “…coldblooded, ColdBlooded, COLDBLOOODEEEAD!” She’d yell this over and over again like an ambulance. (And you wonder how I got so loud?))

On the ferry, the chefs are instructed (via note) to assemble a dish with whatever ingredients they find on board BEFORE the boat docks at Ellis. The snack bar food? All prepackaged dregs: hot dogs, pre-wrapped sammys, nacho fixings and a lonely bowl of fruit. (I think the apple was actually weeping.) No kitchen or cutting equipment. Just a hot dog roller, a microwave and a little fridge with soda and juice.
Blais uses an MRE (Ready-to-Eat) bag he has in his knife kit to pour water into and heat hot dogs; Slimer makes bread soup.
He makes soup out of hot dog buns, sour cream and cheese. This sounds similar to something I made in college after drinking half a bottle of JD. Slimer is not happy with his dish.
Slimer: "I wouldn't feed that to my cat." (Slimer has a cat?)
Antonia makes a grilled cheese and apple sammy on cinnamon raisin bread. Tiffany makes nachos from the nacho fixings, “everyone likes nachos” and then panics and “pushes it” by making popcorn with dried fruit. “That’s a pretty bold move man.”
Is it really though?
Since everyone is making junk food, Carla goes left and uses the one orange in the bowl to make an orange salad with papaya carrot juice infused with rosemary (where is she getting rosemary? Oh it’s some sort of potato chip. Intelligent Cosby…)

Pads, who apparently took a helicopter that served Bellinis and Evian water in a spray can to make her look extra dewy to the Island, appears with Dan Barber, Chef and Owner of Blue Hill Restaurant.
OHHHH this reminds me of something. In Mattapan once, after a night of heavy drinking in junior high- OH I mean, ahhh, college- wait, My Mama isn’t in the pool this go round, I can tell the truth- it was elementary school.
Yeah so after a particularly difficult test of fractions on a Friday, we were doing eight balls and chugging Private Stock and Martell (okay, I keed, come on, I would never do Private Stock with an eight ball) and in the morning my friends walk me through this Mattapan neighborhood of three family houses and then suddenly, on a hill is this restaurant (on a street parallel to Blue Hill Avenue) called On The Hill. It was back when I ate all the old school b’fast fixings and lemme tell you, they hooked it up. I had grits, biscuits, scrambled eggs with cheese and kielbasa. Nom nom nom! I highly recommend it! You know, if you can navigate the hood. Bring a cloaking device and a .45 in case it goes on the fritz.

Judgment time!
Judge Dan is tall and lanky with glasses and all about local and sustainable food. The exact opposite of what the chefs made, yay! Thus when Tiffany serves her nachos with a side order of popcorn and dimples, Dan says nothing. Pads: “So really they had all the nacho fixings?”
Tiffany: “YEAH-esssss.”
Later that night- wait, it’s nighttime now? The chefs stand outside. Dan reveals Tiffany’s dish was plain and “like a throwaway.” Whoa.
Tiffany: “Whoa.”
Blais’ was tasty. Slimer’s soup could have “sunk the ship.” Antonia’s technique was smart and Carla’s oranges, refreshing and innovative. The winner? Carla!
Blais was as bitter as sliced oranges. Let the teeth grinding begin!

Elimination Challenge
Padma tells the Chefs it’s the last challenge in New York and then spews a Wikipedia definition of Ellis Island. She instructs them to assemble the perfect dish using their family history. (Shout out to African Americans cause they didn’t come through NYC. Carla says the slave trade is just how “we got here but we’re still a huge part of the fabric of America and I love it.”
Honestly, if Carla doesn’t have her own show by the end of the year I’m gonna punch a Real Housewife.)
Pads and says they hired a genealogist who researched the chef’s families and they had special guests to help them sort through it.
Then in walks Clara’s husband (tall, wide and bald!) Tiffany’s mother (leopard print coat, Activate!) Antonia’s Mom (who looks crazy young!) Slimer’s Mom who he hasn't seen in six months (what a cutey!) and Blais’ wife (five months pregnant!) Everyone hugs and cries and hugs.

Each duo sits on a bench in the park and goes through their history book. Turns out Blais is Irish and English and from Worchestshire. One was, appropriately, a chemist. Carla Cosby’s peeps hail from Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi and her Grandfather owned his own business (unheard of!) Slimer is, surprise, Italian and most likely, a descendant from thieves. Antonia is 3/4 Italian, 1/4 Jewish and potentially related to Slimer! They might be cousins! OMG.
Oh My God.
Antonia’s mother thinks Slimer is really cute. Antonia says he flicks boogies on her. I’m not even going to make a joke about that sheet. I’m getting gaggy just thinking about it.

That night, after shopping they look through each other’s books and Antonia and Slimer go on and on about being related. Antonia thinks it makes sense with all the fighting they did (I kinda thought they might bone at one point, not now I guess. Slimer’s loss.) Slimer now wants his “cousin” in the finals with him. (Heads up, Dood, I don’t think she’s gonna be running around for like Angelo did.) Then they look at photos and it’s revealed that Slimer was the only boy in some sort of dance school! Sparkle Motion!

In the morning they find a DVD and, outside, a Toyota! Once in the product placement vehicle Pads tells them (via DVD) the winner of the challenge gets a Toyota Hybrid. Hopefully not the one they’re in which is now prolly full of Slimer’s boogies and Chef Butt Crust.

3 Hours To Cook!
Carla uses liquid nitrogen (Blais is impressed) but her Grandmother's biscuits don't look done! Antonia makes a dish to honor her Dad who was just went through another bout of radiation; Tiffany makes okra (for reals?); Blais prepares pickled glassworts which is not a dish served in a Harry Potter movie. Slimer nervously uses a pressure cooker (he's never cooked Italian professionally) and, just before serving, tells the chefs it was his pleasure cooking with them if this is their last time together. (That’s nice.)

The Judges, Colicchio, Gail (no Bourdain?!) and Pads in a white spaghetti strap dress with a green print wrap, and family members all sit at a long table outside. Mike’s homemade potato gnocchi with braised pork shank ragu and burrata cheese looks lovely and everyone really, really likes it. All the guests make positive comments. Tiffany’s mother says nothing. Mike’s mother tells them he was at the stove at the age of three, cooking with his Grandmother.
As the sun sets, Antonia’s Mom tells Pads that they had a restaurant in Beverly Hills and when Antonia was 10 she started cooking (and smoking weed.) Antonia presents braised veal, rapini leaf and fava bean risotto with lemon zest and breadcrumbs. Colicchio says the dish is packed with flavor. Again everyone is very complimentary. Everyone except Tiffany’s mother who is still silent…
Tiffany knew it was a gamble to make okra but…”Helllllo Evrybodee” hauls out a braised short rib with mustard greens, stewed okra, a crispy pig foot nugget and oxtail marmalade. Tiffany’s Mom: “I have to saaay, it’s deeelicious.”
Colicchio says he doesn’t like okra because of the slime but Tiffany made okra he liked. Man, this is gonna be tough!
Blais’ dish was a little tower of short ribs, potatoes, fried bone marrow, corn puree & pickled glassworts (it’s actually a type of seaweed.) The diners said they usually aren’t fans of bone marrow but it was really good. As a former chicken bone chewer, I bet I woulda liked bone marrow if I ever tried it. Colicchio: “It’s just, it’s alright. I mean, not alright, it’s All Right.” OMG who the hell are they’ gonna pick??
As Carla Cos prepares her dish, her husband tells the table they met on (OMG they’re getting their own show for sure!) He had been on there 2 months, they met and 8 months later they wed. So sweet! The Cos made braised pork shoulder, fried grits, corn and sweet potato hash and cheddar biscuits that were passed around in a bowl separately, family-style. It’s Slimer’s Mom’s first time eating grits, she loves them. Judge Dan thought the meal was juicy.
At the end of the meal all the chefs parade out and everyone claps. Family members do great commercials for the contestants, the judges have no clue who is going to go home…In the Stew Room Pads asks to see… ALL the Chefs. Here we go…

Carla’s dish is called soulful and flavorful. Blais’ meal told a thoughtful story that made sense. Antonia is called brave to have served risotto after Tre’s sent him home. Colicchio tells Tiffany she officially converted him to okra, dimples deep ya’ll!
Pads asks Slimer to walk them through his dish. He says when his Grandmother would cook she would start in the morning and cook all day and before he cooked that day his mother said, “You’re gonna make gravy right?” He told her ‘yes.’
Colicchio says he didn’t know if he would have had the courage to listen to his mother if he was in Mike’s position. “…that said, the last dish I want to eat on this earth is my Mother’s gravy before I die. Just a very simple dish, but it was so soulful. I really enjoyed it”
Mike totally tears up, speechless. Pads asks what’s going on and he reveals he was really close to his Grandmother when she passed away and he was little and didn’t understand it. He didn’t cook that particular dish his entire career, not even at home, because he didn’t want to be reminded of her.
Gail told him his mother thought his Grandmother’s gnocchi was the best she ever had…and then she had his. He did his Grandma proud. Man, I can’t believe I’m feeling for the thief! It’s a nice moment though. I guess if Blais can get over the theft, so can I.
In the Stew Room they all salute Slimer for being open. Carla says you can taste when someone loves something. (Ummm, I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole.)

After Colicchio says he’s gonna steal Blais’ seaweed (New Thief!) and the chef’s are called back, Dan announces the winner who will go on to the finals and win the product placement vehicle.
And it is-
Slimer hugs Antonia. She's in!
The next chef to move on and compete in the Bahamas (!!!)
Slimer! Holy crap! “Cousins!”
They both go to the Stew Room and hug and Slimer is psyched but you can tell he’s bummed because he sorta wanted to push up on Antonia, yo.

Blais, Tiffany and Carla Cosby left…

Pads: “Richard…
Pads: “…please pack your knives, you’re going to the Bahamas!”
Blais is happy but admits he’s crazy to begin with and didn’t know why they chose to tell him that way. (Blais just might be a closet serial killer, yo!)
Now it’s down to the Blacks!!!!!
Colicchio said they had been going back and forth and then…
Pads: “Carla….Tiffany…you’re BOTH going to the Bahamas.”
They couldn’t decide!!
They couldn’t decide??
Colicchio: “We just couldn’t say goodbye to either of you.”

You know what this means? Five in the finale and (according to my calculations) Colucci is Guest Blobbing the Finale Ep!
Colucci, I’ll get you the keys to my place and the champagne cellar and leave all the recipes so you can cook. Oh, didn’t I mention? The Finale is a Live Blob with all the Poolers in attendance.
I keed!
Har! I am keeder.

But man, what startling developments! Next week- OMG
They go head to head with the chef who won their season?!
(Bravo, Bravo!)
A grease fire in the kitchen?! (With fire engines and everything?!)
Pads in a bikini!? (I think that started the grease fire.)
Whew, until next week Poolers…


COLUCCI Blais and Carla Cosby

LB Antonia

KAT Black Tiff and Carla Cosby

STRIPES Blais and Antonia

Q Black Tiff


LUCY Blais


HOLLY F. Blais


GBAG Carla Cosby

CC Blais

JET Blais

DOWD Blais


RUBY Black Tiff

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