Thursday, February 17, 2011

“Me just kindof throw stuff in bowl and mix and hope for best.”

What’s good, Poolers! Let’s begin with some insight from Logue, shall we?
“I think that Blais and Carla will be eliminated soon. Both of them are featured in my Food & Wine that just arrived. Carla says that if someone were to play her in a movie, it would be Tracee Ellis Ross, the daughter of Diana Ross. She also swears by Pantene products and a good vent brush. F&W seems to be turning into People with recipes.”
I met Karen though Q (Q!) and advise all of you to friend her on FB because her observations are astutely hilarious. Also she makes a mean Jacques Pepin Beef Stew in Red Wine Sauce, hollllah!

At the top of the ep, Blais wishes Fabio had consulted with him about his boorger (I like your spelling better, Colanto) because he runs a burger restaurant. If he had, he would “probably still be here.”
I caught the end of last week’s episode and I hated having to watch Fabio leave all over again.
Let me ask you this- How can the Sonic Hedgehog (Marcel) get a show on SyFy (did I really just spell it that way?) and Fabio not have any show anywhere?!
How does Russell Simmons’ Ex, Kimora Lee Simmons still have a show? In fact her show is called Life In The Fab Lane! Fab should sue her!!! (It worked for Spike Lee and Spike TV!) Sheet, just cause Kimora bedded with Djimon Hounsou and had an adorable baby boy she gets an extra season?
We all know Djimon is Not doing Calvin Klein underwear ads anymore- he is Not going to have the money to support her disposable diamond studded toothpick habits!
And the name of her clothing company is Baby Phat. I don’t understand how this is still relevant! Can we at least get Michelle Obama to promote an initiative to change this? Fabio would never bestow such dated doo doos on us, Never!
Thank you for letting me vent.

At the “bar” (hey, the motorbike is still outsi-aww, that’s the same shot from last week!) the ‘magnificent seven’ –Punchy Dale with a drink drink (again) toasts each other. He says he wants the championship belt and he isn’t like the new school parents who say ‘we’re all winners. Eff that…who the eff said losing is okay? Like, in what country is that cool?!”
Um, in this country Dickmobile, where you friggin lose graciously, learn something and then come back with your own TV series and a lawsuit against Kimora Lee Simmons! Excuse me while I weep for this Tiger Dad-to-be’s non-punchy newborn.

In the TC All Star Kitchen, Padma, in a ponytail and bright floral print tank dress gathered on the side says they’re on their way. Everything is A-OK.
Punchy looks irritated.
Pads: “Can you tell me how to get to—“
SESAME STREET!
Tully (the purple-ish monster who should feel lucky to be included cause, honestly, as far as Muppets go he’s the Alan Alda of them) and Cookie Monster and Elmo pop up from behind a counter!
Yay!
Carla is thrilled because she is a human Muppet descended from Big Bird and Bill Cosby.

Blais: “Elmo is like Elvis…”
Yes, you’re correct, Sir. And you know what? There should be an Elmis Muppet. A slightly older Fonzie version of Elmo for tweens. Come on, you know tweens rule the world. Tweens and Beiber fans. (btw, Congrats Esperanza Spalding! You beat out Beiber to get the Best New Artist Grammy! Those tweens might be mad at you but there are a bunch of older folk who appreciate great music and lyrics and own bars that will buy you drinks for the rest of your life as soon as you turn 21!)

The QuickFire Challenge
The chef’s had to make-
Cookie Monster: “Cooooooooooookie!”
Elmo: “Calm down, Cookie.”
Cookie Monster continued to interrupt adorably until Pads tells them to make the best version of a cookie they can. She says the winner will take home $5,000!
Elmo asks for a cookie with zucchini and carrots to provide the vegetable counter-part to Cookie’s fructose injected ramblings.

45 Minutes Starts Now!
Tully yells: “…ruuuuun, run and make cookies now!”
Poor Tully. It’s all he can hope for since he’s on screen with Cookie Monster. See, Elmo is already playing the quiet/high voice type; Cookie has the lower/louder register;Tully doesn’t know where he fits in so ultimately he has to yell. You will not gain fans this way, Tull.
Cookie Monster: “She’s weighing the butter? Me just kindof throw stuff in bowl and mix and hope for best.”
YAY! Cookie is our verbal Fabio substitute!
Not as sexy but I did mention I kind of fall for the angry types…

Antonia goes for a chocolate cookie; Tiffany, shortbread; Blais uses liquid nitro and makes an ice cream cookie with zucchini.
Slimer is nervous. Punchy Dale thinks it’s funny that someone who eats so many cookies is having trouble making one. Then Punchy puts potato chips in a food processor.
Tully: “Dale! No potato chips in the cookies!”
Punchy says he’s been heckled by a lot of people but never anyone from Sesame Street and wonders what the correct response is. Dale: “…you can’t really curse at them.”
Sure you can, Punchy. You can curse and then punch them.
Do it.
Sure you’d be punching a fist so the chances of you getting punched back are pretty high, but I would LOVE to see the kind of press you’d get as someone who punched out a Muppet.
Career over.
Do it.
Then pack your angry suitcases and get the eff outta my Pool!

2 minutes 57 seconds!
Cookie Monster begins to eat the tablecloth! Antonia’s cookies look like cow patties! PAUSE MOMENT! Elmo looks as if he is hitting on Pads, proving that even though his voice is high, he is, in fact, a boy puppet with a puppet penis.
TIME!
Cookie no like Blais and Angelo’s cookies.
Faves: Punchy Dale and Antonia!
The winner after the Muppet huddle?
Punchy Dale.
Come…on! At least Dale doesn’t get immunity…

The Elimination Challenge
At midnight they get three hours to raid Target and create a dish for 100 employees. The winner gets $25,000!
Pads does a commercial on the spot and explains that Target has an expanded store so they’d find all the fresh produce they’d need. (I question the use of that word, fresh.)
She tells them to leave their knives…whoa, the way they package that sh*t these days these chefs are gonna spend some precious time opening boxes and plastic packs. I bought a knife for My Mama from Bed, Bath and Beyond and I Needed a knife to open it!

Midnight - 3 Hours Until Service!
They run through the aisles of the empty store grabbing everything- small appliances, grill pans, pots, cutting boards, baskets- baskets? There are no open flames so hot plates ahoy!
Tiffany and Punchy Dale are in the canned goods aisle at the same time. As they both grab tomatoes, Tiffany: (sing-songy) “You making PaaaaSTaaa?”
Punchy doesn’t even look at her.
Punchy Dale (to Camera): “Tiffany made it this far without a single win. And she’s a little goofy. And a little loud. (imitating her) ‘I’m from Beaumont! I’m from Beaumont!’ She’s starting to get on my nerves.”
Hey, what’s that you have in your hand if you clench it, Dale?
Oh snap, it’s a FIST- Punch Her! Eliminate yourself!

Antonia grabs a toaster oven, a blender and a waffle iron, yet she still doesn’t know what she’s cooking. Angelo and Slimer help each other shop. They’ve decided to get each other to the finals. (When did this happen?) Slimer says they’ll be friends for the rest of their lives and also mentions he’s out of shape as he sweats and does a sort of light jog while everyone else sprints about the aisles. Angelo, sporting white shoes, black knee socks and shorts, scurries like Rikki Tikki Tavi.
http://www.spike.com/video/rikki-tikki-tavi/2804454
If Slimer spends more time with Angelo in the future, I predict he’ll be slimmer in no time. That’s what heron does to you…

2 Hours Left!
Carla Cosby shops for linens and utensils to dress her table, essentially wearing her caterers hat -most likely made of straw with a whole in the top so her hair can poke out, instead of her chef’s hat.
Blais is the first to start cooking his corn pancake and seared pork tenderloin on the tables set up in the aisles. Slimer asks Angelo if he has salt and a peeler for him. Dood. Angelo throws it on his table. This marriage is going sour.
Tiffany is able to pick out a cap for herself and wears it as she uses Creole spice mix from the shelf to make her spin off of jambalaya. Carla Cos finally gets to the food aisle to shop- WTH?!

An hour and a half left!
Punchy Dale channels his college days and makes a grilled cheese using an iron to press it and tomato soup. Sounds like a losing dish to me. Also, if you used spray starch on that iron and then you made sammys with it? Well, I think I may know why you’re punchy, you’re fulla chemicals Dood! He notes that the girls all have centerpieces and flowers on their tables. Soooo Dale has no decoration and he’s ironing a grill cheese like an inmate. GA-HETTO.
Exhausted, Carla Cos arrives at her station and sets up her table. (This is why I can’t shop at stores as big as Target without a list.) Blais is concerned she won’t be able to develop flavors in her soup in that time.
Angelo lets Slimer taste his potato soup. Slimer thinks it’s missing something so Angelo adds salt and bacon.
Hmmm…it appears everyone is making…soup. Antonia does not think soup will win any of them $25,000.

Nine Minutes Left!
Thomas O’Brien, the lead designer at Target, dresses a long table for the Judge’s. Angelo is worried about the saltiness of his soup. Slimer runs to get a ladle- TIME!

3am - 100 hungry Target employees in red shirts march down the aisles and the Judge’s arrive. Bourdain (who mentions he’s going straight from Judges’ Table to a parent-teacher’s conference. Now THERE’S a reality show I wanna see!) Colicchio and Pads (in a black tank and gray jeans), designer Thomas O’Brien and Guest Judge Ming Tsai, smarmy Chef/Owner of Blue Ginger in Wellesley (and last season’s Next Iron Chef Losah!!)

Blais’ pork tenderloin with green chilies, apples, braised pork ribs and corn pancakes is well seasoned. Bourdain says it was butt ugly but delicious and compares the look of the sauce to “parrot shit.” Dayum.
Colicchio gives a hairy eyeball to Punchy’s “simple version” of spiced tomato soup with a rib eye grilled cheese sandwich floating in it. Ming thinks it’s brilliant using an iron and says maybe Dale is trying to become…an Iron Chef. Bourdain make a thank-God-you-didn’t-win-you’re-never-gonna-get-your-own-show-with-quips-like-whew-my-place-in-culinary-history-is-totally-secure face.

Carla Cos’ curry apple soup with tomato ginger jam and cucumber slaw was screaming for protein.
Antonia’s Parmesan eggs on garlic crostini with almond, tomato and apple salad was called a “ballsy offering.”

In the Quickfire, Pads observed that Tiffany served coconut milk with her cookies and told the Muppets it was great for your skin. I agree wholeheartedly, Pads!. (I think I’ve made it known that my goal is to smell like coconut. I love coconut oil, coconut water and coconut milk for hydration, hair and skin.) Apparently Pads takes this as seriously as I do, for when Slimer presents spicy “fresh” coconut soup with mushrooms, scallions and lime…
Pads: “You found fresh coconuts here?”
Slimer: “No, I found coconut milk.”
Pads: (not blinking) “Then it’s Not Fresh Coconut Milk.”
Slimer: “You’re right.”
COCONUT MILK IN A CAN SLAM!
Pads had one taste and it was enough.

Tiffany, who is now making me think I should have nicknamed her Sing Songy, presents her jambalaya with chicken, sausage, shrimp and a summer salad.
Bourdain finds the chicken rubbery and soggy. The designer says there was something ‘not special’ about it. Yet his shirt and square glasses are? You’re a designer- kill the rock-a-billy look and try to make a different statement. Evolve.
Angelo’s basked potato soup with bacon, sour cream, potato skins, scallions and cheddar cheese garnished with broccoli and scallions was too heavy and too salty. Another one taste wonder.

Now, here’s my question- do you cut someone for making a not so great dish that had a protein and keep Dale who basically made a grilled cheese with steak and tomato soup? Or do you cut Carla for just having a soup that was good but needed a protein…?
The possibilities abound!

In the Stew Room Pads asks to see Dale, Antonia and Richard.
They had…
the top dishes. Oh maaaaaan…
Blais is the only one who cooked a protein two ways. Antonia is told her egg was an audacious move. Colicchio really enjoyed Dale’s soup (come on! That’s a function of everyone else crapping the bed and The Producer’s feeling like they needed to have three people!)

And the winner is…
Dale???!!!!
He wins $25,000 making a grilled cheese with an iron!?!
Foul dude.
Foul.
30k in one ep? You know this is going right to his punchy a** head.

Then they ask to see Carla Cos, Tiffany and Angelo…
Oh boy…
Carla’s soup was one-dimensional and needed a protein. Angelo’s soup was too salty and also very rich. Bourdain says the prepared dried spice mix (Creole seasoning that Tiffany practically did a commercial for- smiling as she sold it) should Not have been used.
Pads says one of them is going home and asks if anyone has any final words before they make their decision.
Angelo shakes his head, No. Carla Cos grins and bears it.
Then-
Suddenly, Tiffany (cries and sings at the same time): “WeeeEEELL, I just have a few words to say.”
Pause. Colicchio has a little smirk.
“I’m from Beaumont, Texas a rEEEEL small citay. Annnnnnnd, there’s a lot of times you can’t dreeeeeam big enough...”
Pads shakes her head ‘yes’ subtly, Colicchio smirks more.
“…you know…like it’s…”
She uses her hands to illustrate distance.
“…everything’s sooooo far away annnnd I’m just really happy so whatever decision you make,”
She wipes her face full of tears and turns away.
“I’m not doing this today…”
(Um, methinks you are.) She turns back to the Table
“…whatever decision you make it has been an ONor to work with allll of you guys I PROMise.”
Tiffany does not get the Chef Academy Award for this performance.
Pads dismissed them.

In the Stew Room, as soon as they enter and before anyone can ask, Carla Cosby gestures back to Tiffany and says: “Beaumont cried again.”
HA HAAAAAAAA! CLASSIC!
Dood! I’d like to die!
That has to be the hands down funniest line ever!
Then Tiffany cries as she tells them what they said. Angelo is sure he’s going home. Slimer is not.

When they’re called back, everyone looks teary. Pads asks…Angelo?!
Really???!!!!
Tiffany (looks away): “Oh my gosh…”
He thanks them all and shakes their hands and (To Camera) admits he’s mentally fried. Pads looks teary.
When they get back to the Stew Room Slimer is flabbergasted.
Slimer: “What?! You?!”
Choked up, Angelo tells the chefs they pushed his limits and made him define himself as an individual. They all hug and he says he misses his son (yeah, right, I think this is the second time you mentioned him?) and that he never gives up and walks out of our lives.
Wow.
And so, I must ask Ellie, Nikki M., Daisy and Martha P. to pack their knives and go.
Holy Crap.
I gotta say, I don’t get it.
Tiffany’s sing songy speech worked?
Last ep, Punchy Dale made a steak and cheese on a salty pretzel bun with salty hot sauce and a side of salt and he got to stay but this ep Angelo does the same thing and gets sent home?!
Man, I gotta give it to Angelo, for all the trash I talked about this Dood, I really do think he can cook.
And I really did think he was going to go all the way…
to the corner for some crills! Get that rock, Crackilo!

Next week- OMG Jesus Lives! FABIO’S BACK!!!!

And in three weeks- Guest Blobber COLUCCI! Your month has just been made, yo.


TOP CHEF ALL STARS

COLUCCI Blais and Carla Cosby

LB Antonia

KAT Black Tiff and Carla Cosby

STRIPES Blais and Antonia

Q Black Tiff

COLANTO Blais

LUCY Blais

BROWNIE Michael

HOLLY F. Blais

KRISTEN K. Blais

GBAG Carla Cosby

CC Blais

JET Blais

DOWD Blais

LOGUE Blais

RUBY Black Tiff

4 comments:

  1. F$#%^&*'n hilarious girl.....
    Nikki M

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  2. I've been robbed of $20. robbed blind by Tiffany's sing songy speeches and it is truly a disgrace.

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  3. booorrrrgerrrrrr, kinda like boooger only with meatloaf.
    PS- Currently writing a post on booorger week : )

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  4. You HAVE been robbed Daisy! What the eff?! I'm starting to think this thing is rigged...

    ReplyDelete