Wednesday, February 23, 2011

“I love heads on shrimp cause I know I’m gonna be sucking that head.”

I don't know how I didn't know this before but LOOK! Fabio blobs!

“…in italy i never recall finding cilantro?? I got to be honest, i dont think that even goats eat colantro in italy…. we have pretty smart goats there, and they definitely wont touch cilantro with a fishing pool ??”

But NO PHOTOS! Fabio, why?!
Fab, excuse me while I talk to Fab for a moment, please? Fabio, visually your website is whatevs. Honestly it looks like a placeholder site when you type in We need your words AND photos of you, okay? Did I mention I work in advertising? I have plenty of ideas on how to market you, so you to speak. You’re a brand now. A delicious, olive-skinned, pasta-making brand. And I’d like to market you. I’d like to market you all night long.

At the top of the hour, all the chef’s were shocked at Angelo being cut. Tiffany was “COMpleeetely SURprised” it wasn’t her. Punchy Dale was on a high having won the QuickFire and the Elimination Challenge. He “crushed an episode.” The way he crushed the skulls of homeless people in that alley in Danong the night his appetizers were lukewarm.

In the TC House, Antonia sits with Blais and Slimer who looks over Blais’ cooking journal and calls him very organized. Blais has already filled two journals with detailed pictures and plans in an effort to win. Meanwhile, Tiffany was eliminated “‘round this time last season” so she uses the “I look better, I perform better” theory and wears silver eye shadow. Yeah eye shadow really worked for me during finals week in college.

In the TC Kitchen. Padma, in a cream colored sleeveless blouse and matching sailor pants with gold buttons (eh), is with adorable Southern Cooking Queen, Paula Deen!
OMG it’s gonna be a sing off between her and Tiffany! Her eye shadow already matches the color of Paula’s hair!

The QuickFire Challenge-
Impress Paula using a deep fryer. “Yes!” (Paula was the only one who said this.)
Paula: “…if you can eat it, you can fry it.”
(No. Actually you can’t, Ms. Deen.)
Accordingly, Paula doesn’t want fried calamari sprinkled on top of a salad, come on! She has deep fried balls of butter, people!
Who lived in the resulting grease fire? I dunno but Paula’s swirly whipped cream mane of hair survived.
Time Starts Now!

Punchy goes for oysters wrapped in beef (I don’t think I would have eaten that back when I LIKED oysters and beef and fried things.) Antonia fries avocado and shrimp; Slimer makes a fried chicken oyster (the part of the chicken where the thigh meets the body) and says it’s unique. Then he admits he and Blais “spoke of a similar dish” and Blais had a picture of it in his book. Ummmmm!
Blais fries a ball of mayonnaise flavored with coffee and lime in nitrogen with a piece of deep fried bacon. So just a dollop of heart attack then?
Carla Cosby’s head spins with a three-stage breading process she waits too long to complete; Tiffany fries chicken wings and pickles (unless that chicken is wearing eye shadow I’m thinking it’s a lame duck dish.)
Antonia has…only prepared One Plate? Oh man these chefs are tired and overworked.
Paula is impressed by Blais’ dish and his hair. Tiffany pours her accent on extra thick and laughs too loud. Slimer slimes wide and introduces his fried chicken oysters served in an oyster shell with mustard gravy and oyster liquor.
Blais (To Camera, Right In The TC Kitchen As Slimer Presents): “That’s my dish.”
Blais waits for Slimer to acknowledge him. After Paula and Pads exit, they share a look, Slimer smiles. To Camera Slimer says he’s seen the dish done before (in Blais’ cooking journal, mayhaps?) and if Blais thought of it he should have done it.
WOW! So you just admitted you stole the dish! Thief!

Paula’s Least favorites: Punchy Dale and Carla Cosby. Paula (to Cos): “Your hushpuppies were like spitballs.” Ow.
Her faves: hands down, Antonia but (her eyes well up cause she knows…) she didn’t follow the rules so it’s between Blais and Slimer. The winner?
Slimer. That MF.
PAUSE MOMENT! Carla Cosby hugs Antonia as a consolation prize (awwww) Antonia: “Don’t touch me.” (that ain’t right!)

The Elimination Challenge
In walks James Beard Award winner, restauranteur and former Democratic Presidential Nominee, John Edwards!
Waaaait a minute, that’s John Besh who looks kinda like John Edwards (who has been stricken from the history books Moses-style.) John said they must cook at a fundraiser he and Paula are holding that helps fishermen in New Orleans bring their businesses back to life. A life that has been threatened by the oil spill (translation: murdered.) The chefs are tasked with making Gulf Coast seafood for 300.
They need help. In walks Tre, Fabio (FABIO!), Marcel (if looks could kill…), Spike (baseball cap, Activate!), Angelo (exhausted) and White Tiff (back to White Tiff and Black Tiff for the rest of this blob, Pals!) Each chef carries a tray with seafood on it. Much like hoes on the block come with the clap, the chef comes with the seafood. No substitutions.
Slimer won the QuickFire, he picks first.
Does he select his buddy Angelo that he said he loved and would be friends with for the rest of his life?
Nope, he picks White Tiff who has brown shrimp. Slimer also picks who goes next- his “…buddy, Blais who was the inspiration for his dish.”
Really? You think that’s gonna do it as far as apologies go?
Blais says he can work with any protein he’s a chef, he’s more about the relationship. He guesses that Angelo can’t be in his right mind having just been eliminated and picks Fabio (snapper); Carla picks Tre (red grouper), Black Tiff picks white shrimp, oh and Marcel; Antonia takes Spike and “his crabs”, Dale takes Angelo (amberjack. A fish the size of Chicago.)

15 minute planning session-
Slimer learns White Tiff lived in New Orleans for two years and steals, oh I’m sorry, uses her idea to coat the shrimp in grits.
Angelo tells Dale he’s going to win and he’s “in” Blais’ head. (Spot on in not picking Angelo, Blais. He’s is up to his old manipulation tactics. And up to his eyeballs in used crack pipes! Look for ‘em on eBay!) Tre was tired (as usual) and NO help. He just sat there and lazily said he wasn’t familiar with every idea Carla had, including tomatoes and cucumbers with vinegar.
Tre: “I don’t know that.”
Carla Cosby wanted Tre because he’s from Texas and she thought he understood Southern food but apparently Tre grew up in the city and has no knowledge of anything.
Carla (to Black Tiffany as she points to Tre): “…you can have him.”
Marcel: “I think she’s gonna keep her white shrimp.”
Heeeey! The Hedgehog made a funny! They all laugh then Carla: (To Camera, big eyes over glasses) “Seriously, I mean, can we take your NAACP card?”
At this point I get a text from Colucci but I can’t answer it because I’m too busy looking for own NAACP card. Might have to go Mattapan tomorrow…

$200 & 30 minutes at Restaurant Depo where you can buy tartar sauce in a jar the size of a Buick! Fabio tells Blais he loves him and he reminds him of his ex-wife.
Hold up, Fab was married before his current wife?!
Fabio has no problem learning to love again?
Perhaps after some sort of tragedy?
Like his current wife expiring due to an accidental poisoning?
CUT TO- me with a glimmer of hope in my eye as I shop online for a vat of d-Con.

$500 at Whole Foods!
Punchy Dale and Angelo sprint about the store- it’s a match made in heaven! Slimer and White Tiff crack open beers and drink as they shop (wth?) Carla sports a long vest perhaps made out of the net that caught the grouper she will prepare tomorrow.

At the TC condo, Blais and Slimer are seated next to each other but they don’t speak. Slimer (to Camera): “Blais has his head down it’s like whatever, whatever. Pisses me off, it’s like, come on, grow up already. If you’re gonna win be a f**king winner, if you’re gonna lose go in the corner!”
Yeah, that makes sense. Get mad at Blais for not talking to you because you Stole His Dish. That’s brilliant.
You know who you’re really mad at, Slimer, aside from Nabisco for making the Mallomars that line your bulbous gut and two of your three chins? Your Self.
You’re mad at yourself because you’re a gd THIEF, Dood!
And on national cable television! Annnnd you’re cocky about it!
(As Carla says sorry to Antonia for not plating two dishes during the QuickFire, Slimer says ‘Thanks for the 5 Gs, Antonia.” and laughs as Blais sits next to him!)
Moments later in a bedroom, Antonia speaks to Black Tiff and Carla and explains (girl’s sleepover style) that Blais had that exact dish in his book and when Slimer asked, he answered: “Oh, it’s my idea of doing chicken oyster on an oyster shell.”
WHOA- it’s even more blatant than I thought!!!
Carla Cos and Black Tiff are aghast.
Carla: “There is man law and there is chef law. You don’t take another man’s idea.”
That’s a line right out of Mr. Cosby’s mouth himself. Just before he sang a Ray Charles song and did a dance like he was constipated.

In the Kitchen – Marcel tells Black Tiff over and over and over to use the heads of the shrimp to flavor it. No one is listening, a**.
Finally Black Tiff says she’s more concerned about having enough food for 300 people. Punchy Dale says if anyone can slap Marcel down it’s 5’ 10” Black Tiff (she’s 5-10? Lordy.) But then Punchy is punchy about the kitchen being full and there not being enough burners. Um, were you hear at the beginning of the season, Punch, when there were even more chefs? Cause I don’t recall Pads saying- as an extra challenge, we’re removing some of the GE ovens and stovetops.

At the Puck Building -
They scramble for 30 minutes. Carla decides not to make cornbread a part of her dish and says redemption is slipping away. She waves to goodbye it. Then the diners show up. All of the diners in America. And Colicchio, Paula Deen, John Edwards Besh, and Pads in a long hunter green tank gown that has an inconsistent pattern of red “tears” that looks as if she’s bleeding out before our eyes. Or going to a Christmas pageant where she will bleed out next to a choir singing Edelweiss.

Slimer puts up his grit-crusted Gulf shrimp, sour cream & chive potatoes with pork & lobster sauce. John says it hit the nail on the head. Colicchio says the flavors are all there. Then Slimer steals all of their wallets.

The Judge’s loved Blais’ crispy gulf snapper with pulled pork and citrus grits (citrus grits sound goooood! They also sound a little bit like circus grits! OMG I’m gonna make grits with Cracker Jacks in them! Don’t bite that…until I put a plate in front of you, Har!) Former Top Chef Master contestants Jonathan Waxman, David Burke and Carmen Gonzalez liked the grits but didn’t know if it worked “there.” When do grits not work? I mean, honestly, grits are the effing bomb. Sheet it’s 1:23am, can I? No, no, I can’t make grits now. That’s ridiculous. Oooo, I can have chocolate sorbet and an olive oil torta though…

Punchy and Angelo decide to stop the line because they don’t have any food on the table. Punchy can’t seem to coordinate the process of sautéing the veggies and re-seasoning and thickening whatever brown stew he’s concocting. Angelo tells him it’s right there (like that dragon he’s always chasing.)
When the Judges arrive Punchy stammers and looks pale as he describes his amberjack stew with Andouille sausage and potatoes and a Creole mustard crouton. Here’s how the presentation ends:
Punchy: “…and some, um, onions…”
Pads: “Thank you, Dale.”
Punchy doesn’t think the potatoes are cooked all the way and they aren’t. Pads doesn’t like. Paula thinks the stew is okay but Colicchio is not impressed at all and John says once you eat the mustard crouton it’s just mustard. “It’s all over.”

In the middle of service, Black Tiff runs out of honey glaze. She tells Marcel how to make it but doesn’t have time to taste it.
Her honey glazed shrimp, grits with jalapeno & cheese and shellfish sauce looks good in the bowl. John liked the glaze but the shrimp is overcooked. Colicchio hates the glaze and says it’s all he can taste.

Carla Cos is all smlles and Hooty Hoos but her fried grouper with collard greens and chow-chow pico (I believe this is a relish with sausage) gets a weird look from Colicchio. Paula doesn’t like the collard greens (you Cannot serve the Southern Queen bad collards, ya’ll.) Colicchio says there’s too much hot sauce and the diners (oh no!) actually come back and tell Cos her dish is not their favorite.

Antonia’s blue crab cake, corn, jalapeno, and Andouille relish with crab broth looks adorable in a little bowl. It was a great dish and sauce. No complaints!

Six chefs left. That means three on top and three on the bottom. No hiding as Carla Cos says. She also says she could go home on a Southern cooking challenge. “Me too,” says Black Tiffany.
In the Stew Room, Pads’ dress bleeds for Antonia, Blais and Slimer. They have their favorite dishes!
(Another showdown between Slimer and Blais?!)
The one dish that set it all apart according to John Edwards Besh was…
YAY! Good for you, you deserve it after the theft!
Blais wins a six-night trip to Barbados. He says he’s going to invite Fabio with his family- Awwww! Hey can we see that as a spin-off ep, Bravo, please? Hello? It might stop me from sending hateremails about never airing Fabio’s reality series.
Just sayin’.

As the bottom three go to be judged, we see a preview of what life would be like living with Slimer in the Stew Room. He sits next to Antonia. She asks if he’s going to burp. Or fart. Or flick a booger (not a boorger) on her. If he is, she will move. Without a word, Slimer burps. She shakes her head.

At Judge’s Table, Black Tiff, Carla Cosby and Punchy Dale take their places.
Turns out Black Tiff didn’t do the shrimp and Marcel overcooked it. John said that made it mealy and he knew “she didn’t cook them…” Black Tiff (cuts him off and states the truth): “It’s still my dish.” Good for you for taking responsibility. And not singing about it.
Then Paula (with her light, sweet accent): “I love heads on shrimp cause I know I’m gonna be sucking that head.” (No she didn’t. Okay, can someone please, please send me the other footage of the people in the room at this moment? There’s No Way Colicchio didn’t raise his eyebrows to the back of his head on that comment.) Paula says the sweetness of the dish threw her.
Punchy, again knowing how it works, is immediately apologetic. He says he knew the potatoes were raw. Colicchio says he should have held the line and had them wait. Punchy admits he was in the weeds (and also that Angelo was prolly smoking weed.) John Edwards Besh says you couldn’t taste the amberjack because of everything else that happened.
Carla admits she was under pressure and Colicchio says the mustard and hot sauce killed it. Paula says none of Carla’s dish made any sense to her. Cos teared up: “I get it.”

When they were called back, Colicchio says they were supposed to honor the fish and didn’t. (That’s what she said.)
And so…
Dale was asked to pack his knives and go!
(My voice is gone. Seriously. Oh and now my neighbor is up. Fine, I don’t like that kid anyway.)

To Camera, Punchy Dale takes off his glasses, sighs and wipes away tears.
Awww, now I feel bad.
Punchy hugs everyone, smiles and thanks everyone.
He says (To Camera) the first time he was on Top Chef he didn’t like himself very much so he didn’t like other people. But he knew now that he was leaving a better person and a better chef.
Listen, Punchy is a great Chef. I really do think so. And if someone had picked him I’d be more upset about him going. But Punchy leaving means one of you wins. Even though you may recall, last week, Tiger Dad said he wasn’t one of those parents who says: ‘we’re all winners. Eff that…who the eff said losing is okay?’
We do, Punch.
You’ll be just fine.
Unless you decide to go overseas and have that controversial quadruple arm grafting surgery that will allow you to punch more people more rapidly than ever!

Next Week-Pads is in the house! LITrally. And we get to see the chef’s family. I’m imagining Black Tiff and her Mom will do some sort of duet.
Seacrest Out!


  1. I must rush home tonite and rewatch Paula Dean say that line- how did I miss that?!Wow.

    Now Demane I just want you to know that I usually go to bed at 9pm. But on Wed, I stay up to 11 just so I can watch the show so I can read your blog : )

    So much good stuff- from Slimer to Marcel's (actually pretty funny) joke to the fact that black tiff is 5'10 like wahhhaaattt. How tall do you think Dale is? 5'3? Such good stuff here D as always.

    PS- with Fabios accent in the first paragraph, you almost wrote Colanto! cilantro, colanto, same thing right?

  2. Awwww thanks for staying up late for me!
    And that quote was from FABIO- not me. I'd say Fab was thinking of you but then I'd have to kill you...sorrrrrry.