Thursday, January 13, 2011

“I don’t know how you guys do it in your f**king seasons but I make food for the f**king people."

Scoop Alert! White Tiff has been going to Delux, yup. And- oh, first off, thank Gbag for bringing this to our attention: Rocca is closed. The restaurant where White Tiff was Executive Chef. Uh huh. She thought maybe this meant White Tiff won TC All Stars.

Daisy added the link below to convo and thought maybe not since WT mentions she needs investors but mayhaps it’s a ploy to deter us away from the fact that she won...

And then, at Delux, Jet met White Tiff and her fiancé who works at Toro! White Tiff drank Narragansett and 7&7 and revealed she’s opening a restaurant and that Padma eats McDonald’s every chance she gets!
Okay, I keed about the McDonald’s, that woulda been good though, right? I tried to pick something that would really shock you. After being married to Salman Rushdie, Mickey Dee's is all I could come up with.
(Thanks for the cool detective work Gbag, Daisy and Jet! I'ma hire you, buy you some slinky suits and have you work in my Detective Agency: 'For Your Privacy'!)

Now on with the ep! In the Stew Room, Jamie says Casey had balls for buying chicken feet. To Camera she says it sucks for Casey but ‘whatever.’ This chick… (like My Mama would say) …burns my buttons!
Meanwhile, Marcel is pissed at Dale for making eight portions for the judges and not cooking for the other dim sum diners and winning the challenge when his dish was great. That night on the roof deck (they have a roof deck?) he chugs Bombay Sapphire out the bottle and punches the air near a seated Punchy Dale. Marcel: “I don’t know how you guys do it in your f**king seasons but I embrace the challenges and make food for the f**king people. You made 20 dishes, whatever, we were supposed to make 150, whatever…” Tre is the only other chef to witness Marcel with his hands out and his neck elongated in his best attempt at being the hard a** cook that can also rap (see Season Two where, also on the roof- hmmm...Marcel "rapped.") He continues to rant, Punchy Dale leaves, remarking that Old Dale would have beat Marcel’s a**.
Dale: “He’s lucky I took anger management classes.”
Wow, this is you on anger management? Are meds involved, cause I’d like to make a case for an occasional birthday cake-sized Valium.

When the chefs arrive in the TC kitchen in the wee hours of the morning, they’re met with a sign that says ‘Gone Fishin’’ and a map that directs them to Montauk- Strong Island! They jump in their product placement autos and find Padma, in white shorts, an orange tank and a yellow single-breasted jacket, and Colicchio who told them there is no QuickFire- Huh? Instead we’re going right to the-

Elimination Challenge!
5 hours to catch as many fish as possible and cook for 200 people on the beach. They must work in four teams of three. Friggin teams again!?
And there would be Two Eliminations (one is Jamie, right?! Tell us now!)
There are two teams per boat: Slimer, Black Tiff & Angelo fished on the same one with Fabio, Blais & Marcel. Antonia, Jamie & White Tiff were with Punchy Dale, Carla Cos & Tre.

Angelo hates the water, apparently the movie JAWS really affected him. If you didn’t know, Speilberg made JAWS because he himself was terrified of sharks. What he should have done after that is design some sort of ‘shark therapy’ to help people get over his movie. If Speilberg did, he’d be loaded instead of the pauper he is today!

Fabio’s Dad was on a fishing team in Italy (score!) and conveyed his love of trolling so Blais felt secure.
On the other boat, Punchy Dale told tale of his father being an angler and they show photos of a cute Little Dale smiling wide, his head on his father’s shoulder, thoughts of slaps and kicks and curses far, far away. True to form, Punchy caught a striped bass five minutes in.
1 Hour Out – Antonia catches one and screams like she’s on a pep squad. Then everyone on her boat began to hook ‘em.
2 Hours Out – Carla Cos’ team catches six. Fab’s team and Slimer’s team? NONE.
3 Hours Out – Fab finally gets a bite, so does Slimer. Marcel catches two. Punchy hooks a fish as big as Marcel. (Truth be told, I think Punchy and Marcel weigh about the same size. The jury is out on who has unlimited anger reserves though.)

Farmer’s Market - 30 Minutes to Shop, $150
Blais, Marcel & Fabio decide to make one dish with multiple components. Blais said he let Marcel think he was coming up with the idea (what now?) Fabio said this would be good because it would be confusing to the judges- who would they send home? Let’s see, um, TWO OF YOU! Fabio, come on, this is not an advantage!
As White Tiff and Antonia shop, Jamie tosses produce around and giggles as if she doesn’t have a care in the world. Meanwhile a real competitor like Casey is home microwaving a burrito? What a travesty!
That night at the TC House, Tre remarks that his Sous Chef in life is wife and he misses her. Uh oh- is Tre going home to his favorite prep cook?

2 Hours until service on the beach!
Jamie complains that it’s hot and the sun is ‘right on her’ and cucumber skin was getting everywhere as she shaved them. Tre said it was like having a baby there. Um, the difference is babies are cute and endearing and teachable and don’t know how to cross their arms or smirk. Also they smell like talcum powder and fairies. For reals! You ever smell a baby’s head? Mmmm, baby head smell. It’ll make your eyes roll back!

Carla breaks down her bluefish. Blais and Marcel decide that Fabio will be in front because he is the ‘baby kisser’ (yes, he does call me baby and kisses quite well.) Fab does allllll the prep work. Colicchio visits and makes everyone second-guess themselves: Why are you preparing one dish? You’re not making your own tortillas? How are you preparing that? Are you tired of Padma wearing shorts all the time?

Blais tells Fabio to “push, push, push” and Fab is pissy but makes it happen.
3 Minutes until service!
Blais thinks Marcel’s succotash is overworked and needs- TOO LATE!
Diners stream in. Carla Cosby works her crowd yelling that she caught the fish herself and no one helped, not even Rudy or Theo, haw, haw. Fabio charms the pants off the ladies- hey, my very own pants are suddenly off! Fab, you sly fox!
Then Gail (in a nude-colored silk dress- oh, I’ve seen this in Vogue, I think it’s Gucci? It’s reminiscent of a bathrobe), Colicchio, Pads (in a black gown with a beaded embellishment on the front and a t-strap of material hanging down her bare back- hey, that means she’s not wearing a bra- sweet Newton’s Ghost, how her boobs are staying up?!) and Guest Judge Harry Heffernan, Executive Chef at South Gate on Central Park and a fishing buddy of Colicchio’s; cut to the front of the line.

Fabio, Marcel & Blais present their dish of sea bass, succotash, corn purée, cherry tomato confit, Concord gastrique and jamón air (which is not pronounced “Jam on! Jam on!” but Rest In Peace anyway, MJ!) Blais says that he and Marcel had the same idea at the same time (why are you saying this now, Blais, when you can say it was Marcel’s idea if it all goes south?)
Punchy Dale presents a fish taco with corn & avocado relish, crème fraiche, radishes and cabbage; Carla Cos- smoked blue fish lettuce wrap with pickled watermelon rind, radishes and pumpernickel bagel croutons; Tre- bass with gazpacho salad, tomato & avocado (yawn.)
They liked Tre’s gazpacho and Carla’s lettuce wrap and Chef Harry really likes Punchy’s taco (that sounds durty.) Fab, Marcel & Blais’ dish? Overcooked beans and Pads wonders if the foam was necessary—it’s Marcel, that MF makes foam when he pees!

Meanwhile, Jamie notices that her fish is cooked really nicely but the skin is sticking to the pan. Okay, well that’s not really nicely cooked then, a**hole. The ladies had three individual dishes: Jamie -bass, watermelon salad with fresh dill, shaved radishes & cucumber water (lot of radishes and watermelon goin’ round here.) White Tiff -smoked blue fish with tomato, roasted corn & zucchini ribbon salad. Antonia -open-faced porgy po-boy with Old Bay mayo & cabbage slaw.
Black Tiff, Angelo & Slimer made two dishes together: pickled blue fish, spicy watermelon, shallots, red chilies, confit potato & dill and a striped bass with corn purée, tomato, Aleppo (a region of Syria) spice rub & watermelon. The judges like one dish dishes but find competing flavors in the other. Jamie’s fish isn't seasoned and watered down. Chef Henry says the cucumber water is nice (really?) Everyone likes Antonia’s po-boy, Chef Harry thinks White Tiff’s dish is crude and lacks elegance. (Ouch!) The Judges interact with the diners and one of them tries to talk to Colicchio about his restaurants but the awful straw hat he wears says ‘Psst, he cannot afford to eat at your restaurants.’

Stew Room!
Pads asks for Punchy Dale, Carla Cos & Tre…and…
Black Tiff, Slimer & Angelo.
They had…their…favorite dishes!
When they tell Punchy Dale the diners went crazy for his dish he looks teary. Colicchio says Carla’s bluefish was brilliant. Pads announces the winner will get a trip to Amsterdam and that winner is…Carla Cosby! She’s gonna eat weed-flavored Jello pudding, ya see.

Carla jumps up and down when she gets to the Stew Room. Marcel says he can’t be happy for her because it means they are on the bottom. (Killjoy!) As the other teams go to Judge’s Table, Carla Cos wonders if she should have contained her excitement. Angelo tells her ‘No.’
Yeah, don’t make Carla Cos feel bad! Especially when she’s everyone’s gd cheerleader in the house even when they're sucking sheet!

The losers line up. Gail asks Marcel, Fabio & Blais why they made one dish. Blais says based off the last challenge he thought they needed to really work as a team. (Well that makes sense if you’re playing with last challenge’s rules.) Gail thought the Concord grape was overkill. Padma says there was a textural problem with the succotash. The team of three hang their heads.
Colicchio tells Antonia if she had been on a team with stronger dishes, she probably would have been going to Amsterdam because her dish was his favorite. Antonia’s face drops at her missed opportunity to toke amazing weed. PAUSE MOMENT! Jamie smirks at Antonia almost like “Ha ha.” (My Lord, this chick!) Jamie says she added water to her cucumber to make the cucumber water.
Colicchio: “You don’t’ think there’s enough water in cucumber already?” Throw one at her so she can find out!
White Tiff’s fish was too fishy because she left the skin on and, therefore, the bloodline in. Problem!
The judge’s ask Antonia if she tasted her teammate’s dishes (oh snap, they’re gonna make her a turncoat!) she says she sampled the individual components and- then began to cry- Again!
Come on, Antonia, you did that last week! Your dish is the best of the bad ones, save the waterworks for when you’re really on the chopping block!

When the chefs are called back, Jamie keeps her arms crossed and rocks back and forth on her heels like she has somewhere else to be. Colicchio chides them all appropriately and then, Padma asked
White Tiff
and Jamie-
-to pack their knives and go!
OMG I just screamed so loud you’d think Fabio was here in person.
White Tiff says feeling great about who she is as a chef and a person outweighs not being in the finals. Man, so White Tiff lost TC All Stars AND Rocca? Bumsville.
Jamie says she felt good about the dish and if they didn’t like it they didn’t like it and that was fine. (Cause everything's fine in her world.) She was bummed that there were two challenges she didn’t cook in (the way I was 'bummed' when the professor didn't call on me for answers in college) and bummed they didn’t like her dish (your bags have been packed like a gd bachelorette on The Bachelor: by. the door. every. episode.) but she wouldn’t change a thing. Not her attitude, or her ‘hairstyle’ or her underwear.
Well, Poolers, I think we all know what it’s time for, the last-
List Of Things Jamie Doesn't 'Do' Or Know!™
-bridal showers
-canned goods
-open a restaurant
-clean sardines
-braise celery ("never before in life")
-make a sauce from ham
-children (“ever”)
-work in a Chinese-style kitchen (“with the steamers and the wok stations and
all the other things that are in there”)
-WIN Top Chef or Top Chef All Stars (WAHOO! THANK BUDDHA!)

Now we just need Slimer and (oh snap) Punchy Dale to go home cause no one picked them! (No one picked Punchy Dale to win? Guess cause he’s so Punchy…)
Next week bust out your good china and get ready to have it chipped, it’s- Restaurant Wars!


COLUCCI Blais and Carla Cosby

LB Antonia

KAT Black Tiff and Carla Cosby

STRIPES Blais and Antonia

Q Black Tiff and Angelo

COLANTO Blais and Angelo

LUCY Blais

BROWNIE Michael and Angelo

HOLLY F. Blais and Angelo



ELLIE Angelo

GBAG Carla Cosby

NIKKI M. Angelo

DAISY Angelo

CC Blais and Marcel

MARTHA P. Angelo

JET Blais and Angelo


DOWD Blais


RUBY Tre and Black Tiff

ME Tre


  1. FINALLY!! Thank GOD she is gone. EEK, I hated her. HATED! She was sooo annoying. Oh, and I hate the word FINE. Has to be the worst word in the world, agree?

  2. Wait, didn't Brownie pick Slimer? Ok, so my theory was wrong. But Carla wins again! I love that crazy bug-eyed woman! And I just have to share my opinion on bluefish. It is awesome grilled and eaten the same day its caught. After that it gets fishy and smoking is the way to go. Captain Ed makes a killer smoked bluefish pate!