Thursday, January 6, 2011

"I do hear the theme song of the TITANIC in the background."

I was all ret to blob but it was only 9p so I watched a little of The People’s Choice Awards. Queen Latifah sang a song that’s wasn’t hers and then yelled (three times) for the audience to “Make some noise!” because it was “on and poppin’!”
This is what the ‘people’ chose?
Also, you know all the winners cause they’re all the people in the first three rows. None of the other nominees were even there. AND Jennifer Aniston presents the Comedic Artist of the Year Award to Adam Sandler because, oh yeah, they’re in a crap movie together!?
P. Effing. U.

FINALLY 10pm!
In the aftermath of Spike’s boot in the Stew Room, Casey told everyone he said he felt sabotaged cause people messed with his dish. Angelo threw his hands up the way he does when the last bump on the back of the toilet tank ‘magically’ disappears and said he asked if everyone was comfortable with what he was doing. Antonia (To Camera) said Angelo touching everyone’s food was some form of “Chef Tourettes.”
Not a great analogy, Stoner.
Blais was still pissed at Jamie (as we all are) for never cooking food. He likened her to an octopus that “…comes out once in a while, cooks chickpeas, crawls back in her hole.”
I find octopuses to be creepy suckers so this comparison works much better for me.
Btw, my finger is fine. Even better, I’ve been going through a lot of Band Aids and here’s the one I wore yesterday:


Yeaaaah!
These days I think a Band Aid should have a value-add. I peeled this puppy and laughed out loud- objective achieved!

In the TC kitchen, a striped, puffy Princess-sleeve shirted Padma told the contestants (remember, I vowed not to use the ‘word’ Bravo uses for them) they were going to have to test their speed against a famous chef who would make a dish as quickly as he could. They’d have to make THEIR OWN dish in that time. Then Colicchio sauntered in.
White Tiff: “Whoa-ho, nice!”
Um, he’s not cooking FOR you, Tiffani.
I believe the point of this exercise is to show us that Colicchio’s still got it. (Perhaps bidness is down at one of his seven restaurants?)
Marcel was excited. Carla said she knew it was going to be a 15-minute Quickfire and was feeling sick.
Colicchio said he was rusty. Angelo said he was sweating, Black Tiff told the judge to take his time.
Ha ha, it’s all Jack’s Joke Shop ‘til chef brings down the culinary hammer- TIME (enjoy singing ‘You Can’t Touch This’ all day) STARTS NOW!

Colicchio carried all his ingredients and supplies to the main table, cut, mixed, shucked clams (a container of utensils fell at Padma’s feet, I’m sure she gave him a look that only $825 Manolo Blahniks could love) then brought all the ingredients (and the cutting board) to the stove, then back to the main table to plate in EIGHT MINUTES AND THIRTY-SEVEN SECONDS!
Dayum! Everyone loved his black sea bass with clams, tomatoes and zucchini.
Pads told them to make a winning dish; Colicchio threw in that there had to be a degree of difficulty. “Tuna tartare is not gonna cut it.” White Tiff gave the ‘Crap-I-was-gonna-make-tuna-tartare-now-what?’ face.
Then Pads said the winner would get immunity and…a Toyota Prius!
Holy Product Placement!
8 minutes and 37 seconds STARTS NOW!
As everyone plowed into each other at the fridge, Marcel went the other way and grabbed Tom’s unused raw fish from the main table. (I’ll give Sonic HedgehogHair points for that one.)
Blais went for foie gras because that’s difficult (to put on a plate?) Punchy Dale decided to make pad thai with fresh egg noodles. Jamie said speed was important in certain contexts and then revealed that she dated people that were fast.
Um.
Jamie (To Camera): “I might be construed as fast.”
Soooo you’re realizing you’re not coming off as a chef and are soliciting dates now?
TIME!
Punchy Dale didn’t finish his noodles. Some dishes were a mess. Jamie (to Colicchio): “You’re getting one clam.”
No comment.

The majority of the chefs prepared seafood. Angelo did a crudo (raw fish) dish. Colicchio: “Nothing’s cooked right?”
Crudo burn!
Punchy Dale presented a bowl with one sad noodle in it surrounded by a thin ring of beige liquid, Colicchio stifled a laugh. They tried Slimer’s dish after Marcel’s who thought that maybe the judges were getting the lingering effects of his own dish as they ate Slimer’s. Yeah, that’s what happened. Also, I can put a Spanish book under my pillow and be fluent all day. ¿Tu gusta?
Jamie said she couldn’t get her clam to pop in time. Not so quick after all, huh?

Dislikes: Punchy Dale, Jamie and Angelo.
Faves: Slimer, Blais and Marcel. The winner…SLIMER!
Crap, did anyone pick Slimer to win this thing?

Elimination Challenge
Work as a team (uh oh) and take over a popular Dim Sum restaurant in Chinatown to serve hundreds of locals during the lunch rush.
“Basically it be a movie Nightmare on Elm Street, Chinese food for Fabio.”
(I couldn’t say it any better, darling.)

Colicchio said this one was gonna hurt. Marcel had his nose in his hands like he had already been punched in it. Punchy Dale worked in a dim sum house and said he was going to redeem himself. Pads told them they had to keep the dim sum carts filled at all times. I think we may actually see someone off themselves on this ep.

Outside, Slimer jumped into his new Prius and drove Angelo (Angelo? This MF is always jumping into the car) and Marcel to the TC House.
Planning Session: Blais wanted to do two dishes. Jamie wanted to do…scallops. Really?
Flashback to (at least) three scallop dishes Jamie made in Season 5, then Fabio: “This is Top Chef not top scallop!”
Awww, remember Fabio back then? Short hair, a little slimmer, a little more hope glistening in those daring eyes. Whoops, I just drooled on my craptop.
Slimer said he would expedite. He asked Jamie if she would work the floor. She protested that she’d have to trust someone in the kitchen to make her food. Fabio stared at her with unblinking eyes. Carla Cos and Casey took the bullet and decided to push carts. (Why is it always you, Carla Cos? This woman is too nice.) Angelo asked Slimer if he was going to do two dishes. Slimer said he didn’t have time.
Angelo: “You can salt peanuts and call it dim sum.”
For reals? If that’s the case my potato chips and ketchup apps are gonna do gangbusters!
Punchy Dale said he knew Angelo was quick and (To Camera) Angelo said this was he and Dale’s forte and they were willing to take the risk and do an extra dish so- PAUSE MOMENT! What’s that say under Angelo?
Sosa Consulting Group, President…!!??
Crack pipe dreams, as always.

Blais was sure of pending disaster but for the most part he and everyone else thought they were set enough to go to bed or drink. Punchy Dale took his white wine with ice cubes into a separate room as others socialized and opened (oh, it’s the Punchy Dale has a heart scene) a greeting card! Inside were photos of he and girl (someone can tolerate your anger?) and a baby (whoa! someone tolerated your anger enough to pro-create?) and said his girlfriend deserved a nice ring. Then he put the photos into his lid of his utensil case and punched that white wine down his own angry throat.

Chinese grocery - 45 minutes to shop!
Lemme tell you, when I go to Ming’s on Washington Street (shout out to Ellie Lee’s Father’s store, yo! Ming’s, for all your Asian needs) the selection is so vast it takes me 45 just to get through the Pocky aisle.
No one in the store spoke English besides the contestants. Fabio noticed a “tank full of turtle.” He revealed when moved to the US he had a pet turtle that he used to take on walks twice a week by tying a little Chihuahua leash around his shell. (PRECIOUS!) He would tie it to a chair and she would go back and forth. “She was a princess.”
Fabio! (Excuse me while I talk to Fab for a moment please?) [Fabio, honey. I meant to tell you this in bed after sex when one usually reveals personal things but, I had TWO turtles when I was little. Sanford & Son! And I used to put them in my Barbie Winnebago and push them down the hall and pretend they were monsters to my little Fisher Price families. I know! Of course I realize we were meant to be. What? Yes we can “make the sex again.” I’d be offended if we didn’t!]
Fabio: “Now this guys is cutting turtle to make turtle soup. And that’s mean.”
Thank Buddha they didn’t actually show it. Yuck.

Marcel bought a jar of MSG (has anyone ever been to The Kitchen in Chinatown in Boston? It’s on the second floor of that place across from the store that sells pots and pans and dishes? Near the one with the ducks in the window?
Oh. I just realized I’ve described every corner of every Chinatown. Sorry.) They have a 60 gallon trash can full of MSG. Delicious foods!
Now, for some odd reason ,Jamie’s Chinese long beans sounded good enough for Antonia to consent to helping her with her dish (what?) Casey was making Chinese chicken and waffles using chicken feet. Pretty hot idea. (Though I hate human feet so chicken feet aren’t that far behind.)

3.5 Hours to Prep!
Fabio was dismayed to learn there was no grill and the oven didn’t go above 300 degrees! Jamie had never…awwwww yeah, you know what time it is…
List Of Things Jamie Doesn't 'Do' Or Know!™
-breakfast
-bridal showers
-desserts
-canned goods
-open a restaurant
-clean sardines
-braise celery ("never before in life")
-make a sauce from ham
-complain (this is debatable)
-children (“ever”)
-fighting
-worked in a Chinese-style kitchen (“with the steamers and the wok stations
and all the other things that are in there”)

2 Hours to Prep!
They had to make 180 dim sum dishes. Wow.
Jamie didn’t like her dumplings, she shared them with Antonia. Antonia said they were fine and wanted to talk about the green beans. Jamie: “I don’t have time.”
Meanwhile Casey cut the toenails off each individual chicken foot. (My toes are curled just typing that!) Carla Cosby didn’t know why she chose something as “fiddly” as Vietnamese spring rolls.

Angelo relayed the story of cooking with his father every Sunday and how it was his job to sift through the rice and pick out all black ones. If he didn’t, his “a** was grass.” (Hm, so this is where the drug use comes into play.) He said after the finals in Singapore, his father said he was proud of him and it was the first time in his life. He was teary. I felt super bad for dood. Hug your kids, yo!

Moments Away From Service!
White Tiff had a black plastic headband on her hair AND a red terry cloth headband on her forehead. Sheet is serious! Fabio’s short ribs came out perfect, a Top Chef miracle! Slimer went upstairs. 250 Asian people stared at him. Uh oh.
Finally, Tiffany loaded the dumbwaiter with the first dishes...

Sitting upstairs with Pads, Colicchio and Gail: Top Chef Master Susur Lee. Man, Bravo Producers, you are Not making this easy. Carla Cos laid out her Vietnamese rolls, Fabio’s soy glazed short ribs and White Tiff’s Chinese cabbage salad. Casey presented Angelo’s shrimp and pork spring roll and Marcel’s boneless chick wing with scallion mayo.
The judges’ dug in, the other diners? No dice. No food either.
Slimer called downstairs on a phone that, sans receiver, was completely covered in Saran wrap.
Downstairs everyone sweat their balls off. So THAT’S why White Tiff had double headbands.
Jamie said service was tough, reminiscent of that talking Barbie doll Mattel had to recall because it said: “Math is hard!”

Chefs began to run upstairs to help out. Slimer laid down Jamie & Antonia’s long beans with Chinese sausage, Punchy Dale dropped off he and Angelo’s Cheung Fun with XO Shrimp (the XO refers to the sauce, the shrimp had not been kissed and hugged) and his own sweet rice with bacon wrapped in a banana leaf (pretty!) Black Tiff tossed out a spicy pork bun and Tre presented his orange ginger dessert with chestnuts and thai basil served in an orange half that he knew should have been cold, the kitchen was too hot. Everyone else? Still no food!

A waiter couldn’t tell what she ate! One diner stole plates from a cart. Another: “Caucasian dim sum.”
Ouch!
As far as the people who received food were concerned: Black Tiff’s buns, great flavor (har); Tre’s dessert should have been a gelatin; Punchy Dale’s rice in the banana was great; his XO shrimp was spicy, maybe a little too much so; long beans? Jermaine Jackson face-greasy.

Casey went down to the kitchen to find out what was going on and why her chicken feet had only been to a few tables and didn’t look good. Once she got down there- Pandemonium! Everyone was sweaty and running around, except Jamie, of course. Antonia was frying Casey’s chicken feet and tending to her own dish instead of cooking the feets in a wok. Angelo: "I do hear the theme song of the TITANIC in the background."
Wait, the Celine Dion one?

Upstairs, diners began to leave. Gail asked Tom if he would raise ‘Holy Hell.’ He left he table.
You know, it’s a scary day when your Dad shows up at your job and asks who’s running the kitchen. There were a few weak: “Yes, Chef” replies and Fabio said something about how he didn’t understand why only a few dishes were being fired at a time. Colicchio yelled they should be doing 40 at a time.
After he left Antonio asked if they were stopping. Slimer said no. “So why is everyone standing around having a conversation!?”
Antonia mad!
She admitted that Dale probably would have been the best one to run the kitchen. Meanwhile Punchy Dale cleaned his shoes (why not just help out?) and said everyone was hating on people but they were chickensh*ts and needed to say it to their faces (or punch something, you can do that too I guess.)

More diners grabbed food from carts! Parents served their children first because there wasn’t enough food! Meanwhile in the Western World (Judge’s Table) Tre dropped off Casey’s version of chicken and waffles, Antonia’s shrimp toast and Slimer dropped off his own pork and prawn dumplings and Jamie’s scallop dumplings.
Slimer’s dumplings were too salty, Jamie’s needed more scallop and less dumpling, Chef Lee said Casey’s chicken feet had to be put in really hot oil in order to cook properly. Pads noted as hungry as people were, that chicken foot was untouched on the plates where diners were “lucky enough” to be served. Downstairs, the chef’s finally got into a groove but it was too late…

In the Stew Room, everyone looked defeated. Pads asked to see Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie and Tre. Antonia looked teary already. Jamie’s arms were crossed.
Jamie said she wasn’t surprised that one of her dishes was the least favorite and, in true reality show fashion, she didn’t like the dumpling wrapper and didn’t like the way it cooked. (That’s how you do it, apologize upfront, crap, she’s gotta go home!)
The Judge’s liked Antonia’s shrimp toast but were disappointed in the long beans.
Chef Lee said if he had a few hours in front of the TV he could have eaten one of Casey’s chicken feet. Whoa. Casey was crushed. Colicchio told her the ‘waffle’ on the bottom was terrible. Pads asked who made her dish, Antonia took responsibility and said she was going to cry.
Gail told Carla Cos her noodles were bland. Chef Lee said she was cooking with her eyes instead of her stomach. Sacrilege! Carla put her hands to her chest and gasped. They hobbled back to the Stew Room.

Black Tiff, Angelo, Punchy Dale and Fabio were called in for the faves. Chef Lee said Fab had a good imagination of Chinese culture with no experience. As they praised each dish, Punchy Dale looked more and more pissed but he was the winner! He said he felt like he robbed a bank because service was so terrible. (You coulda helped out, Son.)

The losers returned. Colicchio said they liked her shrimp toast but Antonia played a role in the long bean dish that Jermaine Jackson is now marketing as a skin sheen product. Jamie made the beans (strike one) and also had a poorly made scallop dish (strike two, get ready to rejoice, Poolers!) Casey’s audacity was applauded but it wasn’t cooked properly and was therefore inedible. Tre’s dessert was too soupy and a decent sauce couldn’t rescue Carla Cos’ spring rolls.
But the chef asked to pack her knives and go was…Casey!
WAIT A MINUTE- that’s not how you spell Jamie’s name!
SHEETBALLS!
Jamie turned to look at her and gasped!
Casey said everyone expected to hear Jamie’s name (including Jamie.) Oh man, what are you doing, Bravo? Lifetime already wrecked Project Runway forever for me with that judgmental brickhead Gretchen and her WalMart safari shreds winning,
Do Not Make Me Have To Return Everyone’s Cheddar!

In the Stew Room when everyone found out Slimer said: “Casey??!!” Just like I’m saying even now.
Farg! The Octopus lives! I guess no one eating your one dish is more of an offense than presenting two terrible dishes?
Or maybe MSG was the way to go, Marcel slipped through the middle.
Or perhaps it IS called Top Scallop.
Either way I think, as Ellie Lee suggested, it's time for side bets on when Jamie goes home.

Casey hugged everyone. Antonia looked guilty. Jamie?
Jamie said she was shocked because Casey didn’t get the brunt of it, she did.
See, this is what I hate about this chick. She’s already given up. She was already ready to go home. She’s the chick that asks if you want to go to the movies, meets you there, says she forgot her money, you pay and then she complains about the flick even though it had Meryl Streep or some great piece of a** like James Franco in it and then she never even pays you back!
I’m turning into Punchy Dale!

Next week? Double Elimination- she best go home. Oh wait! Marcel is talking smack to Punchy Dale!
Punchy (To Camera): “I’m gonna beat your effing a** if you don’t shut the eff up right now.”
Please tell me Jamie gets in the way of Punchy Dale’s punch.
Until next time, Poolers!

TOP CHEF ALL STARS

COLUCCI Blais and Carla Cosby

LB Antonia

KAT Black Tiff and Carla Cosby

STRIPES Blais and Antonia

Q Black Tiff and Angelo

COLANTO Blais and Angelo

LUCY Blais

BROWNIE Michael and Angelo

HOLLY F. Blais and Angelo

KRISTEN K. Blais

JENNA Tre

ELLIE Angelo

GBAG Carla Cosby

NIKKI M. Angelo

DAISY Angelo

CC Blais and Marcel

MARTHA P. Angelo

JET Blais and Angelo

KEMP Tre

DOWD Blais and White Tiff

LOGUE Blais and White Tiff

RUBY Tre and Black Tiff

ME Tre and White Tiff

4 comments:

  1. I can't believe Jamie is still freaking there! I'm gonna miss hot Casey and her red lipstick.

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  2. She was looking hotter and hotter as the show wore on! Jamie has to fall. Or be tripped...

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  3. I hate hate Jamie. Why the hell is she on the show in the first place. Seriously. And grossness on her "fastness" - do we really want to hear it? Okay now lets chat about your writing gems...

    "Awww, remember Fabio back then? Short hair, a little slimmer, a little more hope glistening in those daring eyes. Whoops, I just drooled on my craptop."

    hahah Fabio was hot. What happened? I still can't get over what happened to Isabella. Oh and do you ever notice Richards weird facial expressions when he talks directly to camera?? I leave you with "Hug your kids" hahah

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  4. Har! Thanks! You know, I dunno why Jamie is even on other than she's so arrogant she just thinks she can show up and without any effort, it will come together- much the way she 'styles' her hair.

    You don't think Fab is hot now? I mean, he was hotter but he's still smoking. Isabella- I dunno, sale on cotton candy I guess...

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