Thursday, December 22, 2011

“I got to suck something out of the head on TV.”

Howdy!
Before we get started lookit how Mr. Chow rolls! I’ve had the pleasure of eating there only once in the early 90s and I must say it was spectacular. Here’s a little short about the man himself.
http://www.nowness.com/day/2011/12/14?ecid=ema1606&CID=
Badass, right?

Okay let’s get to the meat of the matter!
After Nyesha and Dakota have left, Heather B. yawns and says, “that was an emotional roller coaster.”
(Does she really not know how much of a B. she's being?)
Baby Face Bev says (To Camera) that some people mistake her humbleness for weakness and she believes in karma and that “it always comes back to you.” Peppers always come back to me! I concur Baby Face! Keep on keepin’ on and stay away from gassy produce!
Then Pads returns and says they have more business to tend to…they must make a three course midnight snack!
Naw, they gotta pack their bags cause they’re going to Austin. Everyone cheers as if they each won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right. Doods, you have to DRIVE to Austin in your Product Placement cars with lipstick cameras all over the place now. That means no sleeping! Don't clap. Don't sleep either.

While driving we learn that Street Food feels pressure to represent since Austin is his town; Chris C. has been nicknamed “Malibu” by his fellow chefs because he cares about his hair and he’s hot; and Heather B. likes tall men with dark hair and "it’s difficult to have a long relationship" because she’s been "so career focused" and also really wants to consume human meat on a regular basis.

They arrive at the Driscoll Hotel where there’s fur on the beds and lots of built in wood shelves and shit. Street Food reveals he used to sell weed when he was in school and he woke up one day and realized he had to do something (not smoke more weed?) Thus he began his culinary career. You know he still lights up, all chefs have a vice; we learned that from Anthony Bourdain!

QuickFire Challenge
Pads stands with Colicchio (uh oh) in a nondescript outfit and gives the history of Twitter (Uh Oh) and says she and Colicchio get suggestions from their Twitter fans all the time (UH OH) so right now they’re going to let Top Chef fans “tweet” instructions to the chefs LIVE as they’re cooking! Hm, kinda dope. The winner gets 10k but NOT immunity.
According to the first Tweet, they have 45 minutes to cook a dish with bacon. Baby Face Bev uses a pressure cooker. Someone twats for them to add hash as a component. Grayson is into it, Coke Mouth is not (unless it’s the kind of hash you smoke.)
14 minutes left!
Baby Face Bev tries her braised bacon chunks- they’re tender enough but why did she have to eat such a giant piece?

New Twat! Each chef must choose an ingredient in the pantry and pass it off to another chef to use. Chris C. gives Lindsay sriracha; she’s pissed and gives him maple syrup.
TIME!

Colicchio’s least faves – Grayson’s puff that wasn’t a puff and just had a strip of bacon across the top; Accessory Chef Chris’ scallops that were great but “really, really salty” and Coke Mouth who burnt his hash.
Standouts: Baby Face Bev’s crispy pork belly with corn, bell pepper, habanero and potato hash; Sarah Smile’s “nicely fried” burrata (cheese) stuffed squash blossom with bacon & zucchini hash and Street Food’s “really unusual” dish of bacon several different ways: bacon fat, crispy bacon, blackberries, chorizo & mushroom hash all served in clam shells (!!!) Colicchio: “It had blackberries and asparagus and clams and bacon and it shouldn’t work but it does.”
The winner—Street Food.

Sarah is not smiling. Street Food now has 30k in winnings!
Colicchio says there are drinks for them at the hotel bar and tells them to have a good time but not drink too much. (Classic reality show-speak for Something’s Going Down.) A guy plays piano and then introduces musical icon and cookbook author Patti LaBelle!

Patti LaBelle! My Girl!
I loooooove me some Patti LaBelle. I loved her from way back when she and Nona Hendrix (yep, Jimmy’s wife) sang back up for Laura Nyro. Do Not make me haul out my Laura Nyro and Patti LaBelle records. Seriously, I’ll never finish this entry and then I’ll start singing "Met Him On A Sunday" and get kicked outta my own apartment!

Patti belts out a verse of Lady Marmalade and Sarah Smiles and tears up. Everyone claps then Pads gets on stage and says Patti and a few of her friends will be joining them for dinner. Awwww man! I wish Luther Vandross was still alive!
He and Patti were best friends and I KNOW she would have invited him. Sheet, Luther Vandross?! I told you I met him once right? See me and Zina were hiding in the hotel where he was staying after the Concert on the Common because we wanted to be his back up singers (Prince first, then Luther) and we went to every floor and sure enough on one of them, there was Luther Vandross coming out of his hotel room. And I said: “LEW-THA Vandross, Oh My God, you are LEW-THA Vandross! Okay, we’re gonna sing for you, ready Zina? (Insert sounds of vocal warm up exercises here) We’re gonna sing- Oh My God, You Are LEWTHA VANDROSS!”
Luther told us he had something written in his contract that said he couldn’t hear unsolicited singers (it sounded legit at the time) and he thanked us and we got all pouty but then he smiled and we floated down to the lobby where we thankfully were not arrested.
OMG have you ever seen Patti and Luther sing “If Only For One Night” in her Thanksgiving Special that was on TV in ’85?!? Dood my face was one inch away from the TV the whoooole time! The best part about this vidjoe aside from the matching outfits and the shot from the back of Patti’s legs and how awesome and excited Patti and the audience are AND, of course, the singing and ad libbing because they turned the song into a duet and made it Even Better happens 59 seconds in just before Luther appears when some woman in the audience says: “God-Damn!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bFnHX2Z1H8
I love it. I love them. I had this special on VHS and watched it so much the tape broke. One time-oh…right, Top Chef, sure…
The Elimination Challenge!
Make a dish to honor your cooking inspiration. Let’s go shopping in…30 Minutes? (That’s kinda tight, right?) Heather B. is going to make beef stroganoff; Accessory Chef Chris is making steak; Grayson wants to do ribeye but everything is lean and you want a lot of marbling in a ribeye. (So then why are you doing the ribeyes, Hun?)

The Next Morning
Baby Face Bev adjusts the note on her mirror that says she’s going to be Top Chef; Coke Mouth is going to cook for his grandma who made a lot of vegetarian meals (even though he doesn’t cook vegetarian meals.)

2 Hours to Prep and Cook (time is getting abbreviated for reals, right?)
OMG Lookit my new boyfriend, Street Food, and his grandma! So gd cute!

Baby Face Bev makes braised short ribs and uses the pressure cooker again since it worked earlier. Heather B.’s meat is spongy. She knows it’s not good and doesn’t want to use the pressure cooker. Um, okay.

Now here comes the Judges, Pads in a ruffled blue pastel wrap around dress; Colicchio; Patti’s piano player; a woman friend of hers named Nadine and Patti in a fab wig- HOLLAH

And- oh Emeril is on this show? Right. Emeril aka BAM is here. Hm, Pads is introducing him as “host of Hallmark Channel’s Emeril’s Table. Is that where you’ve been, BAM? Moonlighting on Hallmark?

Two plates are presented at a time, first up, Accessory Chef Chris & Heather B. ACC presents lemon-pepper steak with A1 sauce “in miniature because I thought that would be really neat” with baked fingerling potatoes, asparagus & carrots to honor the woman he calls “Mommy 2,” his Grandmother.
In miniature? Is Barbie a surprise judge here?
Also thinking things would be “really neat” is kinda what almost fried your ass last ep with that sweet potato chain link. BAM says he didn’t need A1 in the demi-glace. Colicchio smiles. Patti likes the vegetables and thinks the meat is tender. Her friend Nadine loves the petite presentation.

Heather B. presents beef stroganoff with herb spaetzle & roasted wild mushrooms. BAM says he doesn’t even know what cut of meat Heather B. used.
Patti: “It’s Bigfoot.”

Well Dayum! Everyone bursts into laughter. Hey, let’s get Patti as a Judge all the time!

Sarah Smile’s grandmother makes stuffed cabbage and her grandfather still makes sausage at the age of 84 (har.) She presents pork sausage stuffed cabbage & spinach with browned butter and balsamic. Colicchio thinks the flavors are clean. Patti thinks the butter is sweet but she likes it.

Street Food’s grandmother used to make chicken and pork adobo. He presents quail adobo & ginger rice & coconut vinegar tomatoes with green mango salsa (this will be served at our wedding.) Patti is not a quail girl but she didn’t even get to the rice because the quail knocked her out. She loved it. BAM asks Patti what she’s making if they come to her house: “fried chicken cabbage and macaroni with eight cheeses with lobster and shrimp.” Eight cheeses? BAM will die that night.

Baby Face Bev’s inspiration is her mother; she intros Korean braised short rib with edamame horseradish scallion purée & hon shimeji mushrooms (now that’s a fungus that’s tough to cultivate, ew.) Everyone says “well done.” The meat was tender. BAM: “She used a pressure cooker.” Okay you don’t have to give us the impression that you kinda know what’s going on even though you’ve been gone for like 8 episodes.

Chris C.’s inspiration was his Uncle who taught him everything about fish. But when he cooks his salmon the albumin (a protein in the fish) starts to ooze out. Basically a white goo.
Yeah.
Chris C.: “So I just try to scrape it off. Hopefully the judges won’t notice.”

Um, I noticed and I’m grossed out and I’m ten feet away from the TV. Chris C. presents sockeye salmon with confit potato & brown sugar carrot purée. BAM is not a fan of the dish, Colicchio says the salmon was cooked too quickly (which results in the the goo coming out. Yuck.) Patti loved the carrot puree, Colicchio thought it tasted like a bunch of other things. White goo maybe?

Lindsay was inspired by her Greek and Southern Grandmas (there’s a Discovery Channel show for you), she presents a trout spanakopita with crispy leeks & rainbow trout roe.
Uh, I’m sorry but that sounds disgusting. Patti says the roe is like caviar. The first time she ate caviar was with BAM (really?) and she didn’t like it but she was starving so she ate it with chips and dug it. Hilarious! Slap some ketchup on it and I’m with you, Homie. BAM likes Lindsay’s dish but says it has too much butter and that shuts it down.

Coke Mouth presents his “humble Korean dish” inspired by his Grandmother – modern bibimbap with lemon chili sauce pickled carrots and cukes sautéed zucchini and fried egg with rice on the bottom and nori on top. Nadine is allergic to egg but she loved Coke Mouth’s dish (she still ate it?) BAM loved it too but also he was one egg short of his daily dozen egg eating quota.

Grayson’s twelve-ounce steak towers over Ty-Lor’s dainty dish.

Jesus!
Grayson: “Yes, I realize this is a gigantic cut of meat.”
Patti: “Girl, yeah.”
Grayson: “But this is how I learned how to do it, so that’s what it is.”
Own it! It’s a rib eye with German potato salad & grilled veggies. Oh. That's all you have to say. I mean, I’m not even embellishing there because that’s exactly what she said. Get some descriptors up in that piece! Or maybe some different meat because everyone thinks it's stringy and someone else said it was gristly. That sounds like eating sand at the beach. Grayson needed the marbleizing. Or a different dish entirely. Like a bigger one to hold the giant steak.

Ty-Lor God Of Cooking’s inspiration was his Japanese nanny (and the professor, okay, for real I just watched the Nanny & The Professor on TV while the Japanese couple argued next door.) Apparently she used to make panko encrusted chicken tenders- his favorite. He presents buttermilk battered chicken tender fried in duck fat on top of a nest of pickled peaches. (That sounds crantastic.) Patti says “it’s beautiful.” Colicchio could tell the dish meant a lot to him.

In the Stew Room, God talks about how Patti's nail polish matched Pads' dress. (You think that was intentional? Hm.) Then Pads enters the Stew Room and asks to see Grayson, Heather and Chris C.
Oh no, reverse osmosis! But some don’t know:
Ty-Lor: “Have they ever called bottom first, I don’t think so, it’s always top first.”

At Judges' Table
Pads: “Tonight your tributes fell flat….One of you will be going home.” Glassy eyes all around.
Grayson says the flavors were there when Colicchio asks if they’re surprised to be in front of them. She then launches into “that’s how they eat in Wisconsin.”

BAM expected a lot more from her. The meat wasn’t trimmed. She says it was and she felt confident. Pads says it was very sinewy (ew) and spongy. Grayson apologizes. Colicchio then hits her with the ‘how come you didn’t make the dish modern?’ bomb. Ouch. She says she took it literally.
Colicchio tells Chris C. he seared his salmon too fast. Pads adds the white layer of albumin made it “slightly unappealing.” Chris C. says he noticed it and tried to wipe it off (no comment.) BAM says his herbs weren’t cut small enough and the dill overpowered what he was trying to do.
BAM: “We’re talking, literally pieces like this.”

(That's a photograph of what she said.)
BAM: “When I got that shocking dill it just changed the whole palette of things.” Also- BAM doesn’t want to be passing dill that size.
Patti: “I loved the potatoes, I just didn’t care for the salmon…that plate didn’t flip me.” Bottom Line you wanna flip Patti LaBelle. Flip her for real. [Name that movie! Or who is credited with the original phrase! Awww, don’t Google it. Use your noggin! (okay I just used Google to check the spelling of noggin. I keed! I am keeder!)]

Colicchio: “Heather, you started with beef stroganoff and it just kinda went downhill from there.”
Oh snap!
Pads: “Those dumplings, they felt dry and chewy and overcooked.”
Heather B.: “Got it.”
Oh don’t try to speed this up, B. Don’t EVEN try it.
Patti: “I thought I had Bigfoot on the plate. I don’t know what that was. Both meats were gristly. I couldn’t cut it.”
Slam!
Colicchio says if it was braised it wasn’t cooked enough if it wasn’t braised it was cooked too much. Heather B. says she second-guessed herself. She should have used a pressure cooker but she didn’t because she used it before with duck and the meat got stringy.
Colicchio: “Beverly used the pressure cooker and…

“…she’s not here.”
KAPOW!

They send the losers back and Heather B. says "it's good news for you guys, not so good for us." Are we supposed to be sad for you? The Judges' ask to see Baby Face Bev, Sarah Smile and Coke Mouth. Hmm, not Ty-Lor or Street Food? Interesting.
They compliment their food and their ideas. Patti says you put your heart and soul on the plate- and they ate it.
The winner is…
Sarah Smile who cries as she smiles

“Oh I needed this!” and hugs Bev (huh?) and makes Patti cry!


Now back to the doodooville:
The Judges say Heather B. clearly knew she messed up (ARGH that means she’s gonna get a pass! No!); Chris C.’s salmon was off, not great. Grayson, in Patti’s opinion, “didn’t freestyle.” BAM: “The dish that she put out for us this evening, no way can win Top Chef. No way.”
And that’s that. They call them back and Colicchio tells Chris C. it didn’t work, the herbs were too big. He says that Grayson needs to push it more and he tells Heather B. that sometimes when you have an original plan you have to rework the whole thing. Then Pads asks Grays- No, HEATHER?!
Heather’s going home!

Heather B.: “Byyyyyyye, don’t be upseeeeeet it was a crucial mistake.”
No one is really upset. Bev says Heather B. "reaped her own karma.”
Heather B. says the experience has already changed her as a chef and it’s been the most fulfilling and rewarding and then she eats a Cameraman.
But WAIT- oh crap. She might come back in the-

Last Chance Kitchen!
Nyesha relishes seeing Heather B. walks through the door.

Nyesha recalls how condescending she was. Meanwhile Heather keeps laughing and smiling.

Nyesha: “I’m looking around like what’s so funny?”

“I want to wipe that smile off her face.”

Yeeeah! Check out Nyesha all Mike Tyson-like, coming to the ring without a robe or opening song. She’s ret to fight!

Colicchio says the challenge is all about techniques and methods. They have to fry, inject and make foam.
30 Minutes to make dishes that they are not only judged on but on the methods as well.
Time Starts Now!
Heather B. has never made foam. As they run about The Eliminated (Andrew from Austin, Big Buddha, Accessory Chef Richie, Cashew Chuy and Dakota) enter and take a seat and watch and ask questions and make comments which rattles Heather B. to no end. Nyesha preps a dessert- brown butter foam with caramel sauce. Big Buddha gives her the thumbs up.

While putting shrimp juice into an injector Heather B. mumbles to Nyesha that she “got crap on her thing.” WTF?
Heather B.: “I got shit on your board.” Nyesha goes to check, Heather B. goes over too- apparently she sprayed a little shrimp sauce on her cutting board. Nyesha dispenses with it immediately.
Nyesha: “She’s trying to get in my head and I’m pissed off by it.”
Me too!

10 Minutes Left!
There’s a battle for the fryer.
Big Buddha: “We got five minutes left!”
Time’s Up!

Nyesha presents a brown butter foam & beignet injected with caramel sauce with lemon zest, cinnamon & vanilla extract. Colicchio: “Cool, thanks.”

Heather B. presents a head-on (apply directly to the forehead) gulf shrimp injected with smoked paprika and the cooking liquid from the shrimp shells & porcini mushroom foam & ragout of corn and chanterelles.
Heather B.: “If you suck the head of the shrimp you’re going to get a lot of that injection liquid.”

The Eliminated chuckle. Me too!

Colicchio says Nyesha’s dessert was very nice, the foam was a little heavy. He tells Heather B. that he absolutely loves the combo of corn and chanterelles and thanks her for giving him that. And: “I got to suck something out of the head on TV.”
Oh man…I'm in cramps!
But…the big problem was…the shrimp…was overcooked…

Nyesha wins again!!!
Nyesha: “After how harsh she was on Beverly I had to finally shut her up.”
She says (To Camera) she’s stoked and smiles wide as she gives Heather B. a high five that you can just tell she wishes it were a knife.

High five knife to the hand! Knife five!
Then Nyesha skips off and hugs Dakota. YAY! But, Oh No! That means this time it’s official…
Keith B. and Bertsch, sadly I must ask you to pack your knives and go.
Sigh.

Next week, wait, next Wednesday there’s no show!
We’re back in the New Year on January 4th with the chefs cooking outside and Sarah Smile not smiling behind the oxygen mask she’s wearing. Yurp. Also I'm vowing to do a liver cleanse on the 2nd so I'll be completely looped!

Until then, Happy Merry Xmas Times To You And Yours!


TOP CHEF TEXAS!
LOGUE Grayson and Big Buddha
TRIPP Nyesha
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MAUREEN Lindsay and Nyesha
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Chris C. and Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth and Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
KRISTEN K Lindsay and Nyesha
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Nyesha and Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
STRIPES Lindsay
JENNA Nyesha
DAISY Nyesha and Street Food
CC Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
FLAISHER Nyesha
LUCY Street Food
COLANTO Chris C. and Nyesha

Thursday, December 15, 2011

"I just want to make sure the whole dish isn't too Asian."

Man Poolers, I am faced right now. Just got home from an Xmas party. I’m not ‘Whoa is this my apartment or the Tilt-A-Whirl at Paragon Park?’-faced but I really should have eaten before I drank the Elf Punch. Yeah. Amateur Hour. Don’t ask me about the photos with Santa.
Also I woke up twice the night before last (I never have insomnia, wth) and ended up getting sucked into a Catching Fire vortex (second in The Hunger Games book series. Don't eff with me, I’ll take your tesserae!)

Okay, let's do this!
The chefs return to the TC House and Nyesha is still shocked at how harsh Heather was towards Baby Faced Bev.“…it says a lot about her integrity.” (As in- she has none.)
Ty-Lor, God of Cooking, says it’s time to "showcase the chef that he is." Then he pours cereal from a Lucky Charms box on to a saucer and calls it an amuse bouche.
The next morning in the TC Kitchen, Pads wears separates. (Translation: butter colored pants, a brown leather belt and a slate blue top embroidered with orange thread and potentially pooka shells. Emphasis on "separates" cause she didn’t really need to put them together.)

Next to her is Former TC Master, Tim Love:

Not to be confused with Kim’s Baby Daddy aka Bravo’s Real Housewives of Altanta’s latest addition, Kroy:

Pads and chefLove stand in front of a table full of Product Placement Don Julio tequilas. (Ew. I’m partial to Espolón myself. It’s less harsh imho.)

The Quickfire Challenge
Choose a tequila and make a dish that pairs well with it.
Ty-Lor: “I love tequila. I’ve been to Jalisco Mexico where tequila comes from." (in the back of a station wagon, on a dare; at least that’s how it started but then we were kidnapped.) “This is a challenge I can definitely rock” (if I have an extra pair of hands helping. Maybe chef Rick Bayless’ hands? Is chef Bayless around?)

Pads says the winner won't receive immunity but gets 5k. 30 minutes Time Starts Now!
Sarah Smile says she always does a shot of tequila with her boss when she travels and they’re eating corn tortillas so she goes for Don Julio blanco. Accessory Chef Chris makes a dish that will balance the heat and high alcohol content. Ty-Lor (to Dakota, as if on a chat show): “This is the dish I fabricated when I was on the beach in Thailand.” Then he gives this pouty head nod.

Hey, God? Fabricate a win. You’ve been in the bottom three times.
(Sidebar: How Pads and chefLove are Not tanked after basically drinking 12 mini-shots I dunno but) Least favorites – omg, Karma is here. ChefLove: “Heather? It felt like you were just thinking- ‘I like tequila, and then I’m gonna make this rock shrimp dish.’”

Did you want more, Poolers? I will happily oblige:
ChefLove: “It felt like it was a new special at a new chain restaurant.”
KAPOW!
Heather: “Ouch.”
Man that was good. Homegirl won a car last ep but drove over herself in this one.

In other news, Accessory Chef Chris’ chicken was overcooked; Sarah Smile’s risotto was undercooked and “tasted like lemon juice and cream.” (Yuck!) Of course (to Camera) Sarah Smiles and says she’s always cooked her risotto that way and she’s from Texas and she’s never going to stop. Whatever it is, she refuses to stop. Ever.

His Favorites? Chris C.’s raw oyster with tequila lime tapioca pearl, jalapeno cucumber liquor & sea salt air that chefLove said made him feel like he was “at the beach;” Lindsay’s salmon with caramelized fennel puree and brown butter sauce; and Ty-Lor’s steamed clams in a thai style fish caramel sauce paired with the 1942 tequila. But the winner is…
The God Of Cooking!
God lives!
And he’s gonna “fight to stay here and show that his food is rockin’ off the chart.” I hope you’re hoping what I’m hoping: Ty-Lor will take that 5k he just won and buy a thesaurus so he can come up with some different ways to describe his skills.

The Elimination Challenge
Pads: “Hopefully you like who you’re standing next to because…” Yup. Teams.
Turns out [Bravo has set it up so that] ChefLove is hosting a Game Dinner at his restaurant and all his friends are coming. And, on cue, in walk the “friends,” all famous chefs and several Top Chef Masters.

Nyesha and Dakota will be cooking venison for Bryan Caswell from Reef in Houston; Sarah Smile and Street Food - squab for chef Anita Lo from NYC; Accessory Chef Chris and Grayson - elk for chefLove; Chris and Lindsay - boar for Jon Shook from Animal in LA; Heather and…Baby Faced Bev? Uh oh...

- duck for John Currence from City Grocery in Oxford, MI. Finally, Coke Mouth and Ty-Lor - quail for Vinny Dotolo also from Animal.
Then Pads says they’ll also have to cook a few extra plates for their fellow chefs “because all of you will be judges too.”

They must choose three dishes they liked least and those three teams will face elimination. The Judges will make the final decision about “which TEAM goes home.” Woooo!
Pads: “That’s right.”
No She Didn’t just rub it in like that.
The team that wins splits 10k but really who cares? It’s a double elimination and the chefs are nominating, yo! MADNESS!

Shopping Time 30 minutes, Budget $200.
Heather is a B For Bossy! Baby Faced Bev tries to be a team player. Heather slaps her verbally at every turn (may I suggest a new Bravo show where we see chefs like Heather watching themselves act, as Ellie calls Heather B, "a horrible monster"? OOoo then Dr. Drew can show up and talk to them about what dicks they are! YES! Please get right on this Bravo, kthanksbye!
Back to Whole Foods: Dakota has cooked venison but not in a while (ummm then why doesn't Nyesha cook it?) Accessory Chef Chris (who has never cooked elk) makes Grayson nervous with talk of soaking sweet potatoes overnight in a solution and carving them so he can make links out of them. Grayson (looking for good potatoes): “Uh huh.”
Um, he’s gonna make a chain link of sweet potatoes as a side dish. Do not answer 'uh huh' answer 'nah ah' and pelt him with a spud as a way to suggest a sweet mash!

3 Hours To Prep!
Heather: “I just want to make sure the whole dish isn’t too Asian cause that’s not my style and I’m not going home, Bev.”
Whooooa! Friggin Gigantic B!
And also what does that mean for reals, Heather? That if you DO go home you’re going to roast Bev and eat her?
Cause honestly I wouldn’t put it past your ass at this point. I think you must eat humans, that’s why you’re so mad. When you see your nieces and nephews for the holidays it makes you happy but at the end of the day you want to roast them Hansel and Gretel style and you know your sister will miss them so you can't. It’s that kind of irony that made you eat the family cat. I know Whiskers is missing! You cannibalistic bitch!
Everyone sees and hears the obvious aggression Heather B. has for Baby Face Bev. Coke Mouth respects Bev “and honestly, Heather’s being a complete bitch.”
Werd! Get your drug addled chef Pals to show up and beat that B down!

That night at the TC penthouse, Baby Face talks about how abusive Heather is being and mentions that she was in abusive relationship and one day when he was at work she ran away.
Awwwwww maaaaaaaaan.
Whew.
She says she’s become a strong person and has in a great relationship with her husband now and will never let that happen again.
Wow.
#1-More power to her. #2- Now there’s a backstory to her kowtowing but honestly who wouldn’t kowtow? It's that or murder at this point.

The next day they cook in the smallest, hottest kitchen known to man.

They keep reminding each other not to sweat in the food. Ew.
Anger Alert! Now Heather B. is pissed that Bev is asking questions that “a sous-chef would ask.” Well, if she doesn’t ask you’re just gonna barrel in Hummer style and grind her bones for your stew.

Suppertime!
Lindsay and Chris C. present their roasted wild boar with peach BBQ sauce, Kohlrabi slaw and farro fried rice (OMG I Love farro!) One of the Animals thought it would be better without the sauce, Colicchio likes the slaw and overall thinks it's a nice plate of food but not exciting. In the Kitchen the chef’s try it, Street Food says the slaw is watery, Lindsay hears and swallows hard with her giant neck.

Bev and Heather’s five-spice duck breast with creamy polenta, pickled cherries and fresh salad has a “rubbery” breast according to Unibrow. One of the Animals says it’s “safe.” (What were these chefs supposed to do? Serve shit off just shot carcasses with feeding tubes as utensils? Ooo new restaurant idea: Feeding Tube. Don't bite!) In the kitchen the chefs think the breast was perfect.

Grayson & Accessory Chef Chris’s juniper roasted elk with sweet potato (that was supposed to look like a “chain” but had the wrong texture so Accessory Chef Chris couldn't pull it off) and a bouquet of citrus greens.

Grayson is not pleased. Pads: “Is there any particular reason why you cut the sweet potato into a shape?”
Oh boy.
Accessory Chef Chris says he was trying to do a technique that didn’t work and "wasn’t as cool as--" Grayson quickly (and wisely) cuts him off: “It is how we wanted it to be, we just wanted to get height and we accomplished that.” On the way back to the kitchen Grayson scolds him. “Don’t tell them that!” Caswell says visually he thought the plate was “1982 banquet menu, boom.”
Yipe! I didn't even add that "boom" he did!

Coke Mouth & Ty’Lor’s sorghum quail with pickled cherries and eggplant is earthy and beautiful. Coke Mouth suddenly grows a less coke riddled heart and says he's proud to cook with all the chefs. Someone's in withdrawal.

In the kitchen, Sarah Smile re-poaches her sausage; Dakota is insecure about her venison. She said she was going to "rock it out" and doesn’t know if it’s "the number of people going in and out of the oven" or what (yep, that’s what she said) but the venison “raw slash rare.” Nyesha says all she had to do was cook the venison and this kind of mistake shouldn’t happen at this level.
Now I don’t usually feel ill when I see meat but this is make me queasy.

They present their roasted rack of venison with kabocha squash and beet gratin. The flavor is ice but even the chefs mention the venison is undercooked. Dakota looks like she’s going to cry.

Street Food and Sarah Smile present their squab (two ways) breast & sausage with nectarine pickles with shallots and jalapenos. Colicchio says the presentation was sloppy but it was a good plate of food. In the kitchen Sarah Smiles doesn’t smile. She cries and says this isn’t how she would present the food and she cooks sausage every day and this is the most stressful thing she’s ever done and she’s from Texas. Baby Face Bev comforts her and says they're doing their best and all deal with stress differently.
Awww! Now I'm all turned around with Bev, I mean I get her now, you know? It makes me sad to think someone was mean to her Baby Face.

Suddenly Pads enters looking like an extra from DANCES WITH WOLVES.

She asks to see Coke Mouth and Ty-Lor, God of Cooking. All the chefs clap and, tis true, they’re the winners and split 10k! (God is pleased! And I just want you to know, Poolers, I've given Ty-Lor a lot of razzing and I will CONTINUE TO! I love razzing! Hollah!) Pads then tells the Wonder Team they have 15 minutes to decide which three teams to send out for elimination. Ugh.

After seven minutes of hemming and hawing, Street Food nominates Nyesha & Dakota; Baby Face & Heather, and Accessory Chef Chris & Grayson. The rest of the chefs follow suit.

At Judges' Table, Heather immediately says she doesn’t deserve to be there and maybe she’s there because she was in the top last week. Heads shake like ‘Naw, bitch’ all around.
Dakota looks like she’s going to cry and says she’s disappointed that something she’s cooked thousands of times “came out of her grasp.” Pads asks if Nyesha checked on Dakota or asked if she needed help. Nyesha says by the time she did she was “like Dood, this is way under.” Unibrow liked the flavors, it was just that the meat wasn’t cooked. Yeah, just that little thing there.

Unibrow thought that Accessory Chef Chris & Grayson’s meat was cooked pretty well but the potato was like-“Whuuuuut.”

Accessory Chef Chris drops his accessoried head.

Colicchio asks if Bev knows why she’s there and Heather cuts Bev off and says they haven’t seen eye to eye, their work ethics are completely different, especially in the last challenge.”
Here we go...did anyone ask for the past? Cause Heather B. is about to shovel it.
Heather: “She really focused on shrimp and it took her two days.” Bev says Heather actually HELPED her with the shrimp in the end and she didn’t even ask her to.
Heather B: “No, your teammate did.”
OH Wow! Sheet we didn't even know transpiring!
Then Dakota breaks in and says she’s not liking the conversation because Bev is strong and kicks butt. All the other chefs nod in agreement. YEAH!
Colicchio asks if Heather doesn’t trust Bev. Heather says Bev doesn’t trust herself.
Lordy.
Baby Face Bev actually wraps it up nicely by saying she stands by her dish and it's all I can do to stop from jumping into the set and saving her.

In the Stew Room Heather says she’s sorry if Bev thinks she hurt her feelings but “that’s the truth” then she says Bev didn’t listen to her and she didn’t want to do anything Asian and she felt like she didn’t have any say in the dish. “You didn’t listen to any of my ideas.”

Bev (To Camera) mentions she doesn’t think Heather crossed the line she (herself) just doesn’t think that way “I don’t feel better when I put someone else down, it just makes me feel worse.”
The psychology is killin' me!
Heather says they’re too quiet and no one will speak up and when Grayson stands up for Bev Heather asks what any one of them would do if Bev took that long to make shrimp. (For reals? Still!?)
Grayson says (To Camera) that Heather putting Bev down puts herself down because it’s a double elimination. Uh-doy!
Then Heather froths up more about wanting to go home because of her dish not someone else’s dish and how delicious her niece and nephew look and how brilliant the movie THE COOK, THE THEIF, HIS WIFE AND THEIR LOVER was (especially that end part) and how awesome salty tears taste just after you kill someone and drink the tears with a nice pinot grigio.
Whew.

The Judges have no issues with who was before them, they agreed on the bottom three teams. Bottom line: they liked everything else on Nyesha & Dakota’s plate but wondered by Nyesha didn’t say anything about the raw deer; Accessory Chef Chris & Grayson based their whole dish on a “chain link” sweet potato (honestly that Accessory Chef is Never gonna live this down); and Baby Face Bev and Heather didn’t work well together but what happened last week happened last week. Alas, they did not scold Heather B. for being a B when the chefs returned and Pads asked... Dakota & Nyesha to pack their knives and go.
Dakota feels like crap that her undercooked venison is the reason why Nyesha has to go home. Dakota actually leaves the kitchen before Nyesha does. She takes one last look with her matted hair and departs. Not realizing they're both going to show up in...

The Last Chance Kitchen!
Nyesha & Dakota hug each other after they see the letters from Colicchio asking them to go to the kitchen (um, you both don’t get to come back) and then they walk in and see SadFace.
Colicchio intros them to The Eliminated (Accessory Chef Richie, Andrew from Austin, Big Buddha & Cashew Chuy) and Nyesha’s mouth hangs open. (Sidebar: Bravo's putting all these chefs up in a hotel while the whole series goes on? Their budget is swole!)

The Challenge
The three can only use a wok and they must cook with cactus.
Oh! Remember that Flintstones ep where it was Pebbles birfday and also a party for the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos and Fred had Cactus juice and Cactus Coolers (for the grown ups) and someone got the parties mixed up so the grown ups got the juice and the clown and the kids got the Cactus Coolers and the dancing girls? Awwww, cartoonmemories. Oh snap, 30 Minutes, time starts now!

SadFace woks up cactus and chicken fried rice (yawn.) Nyesha whips up an Asian scallop with thai basil and cilantro using the skin of the cactus. Dakota makes a shrimp tostada with watermelon and a prickly pear shooter. The Eliminated taste after Colicchio does. He says all their dishes were good but the one that looked beautiful and had everything perfectly cooked was...
Nyesha!
REDEMPTION!

Whew. Welp, after all that excitement I'm taking my Elf Juiced head to bed. The new list is below. Fingers crossed that next ep Heather’s foot falls into a meat grinder and she eats herself. Until then...


TOP CHEF TEXAS!
LOGUE Grayson
TRIPP Heather and Nyesha
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah
MAUREEN Lindsay and Nyesha
KEITH B Heather
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Chris C. and Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris
LB Coke Mouth and Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
KRISTEN K Lindsay and Nyesha
BERTSCH Heather
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Nyesha and Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
STRIPES Lindsay
JENNA Nyesha
DAISY Nyesha and Street Food
CC Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
FLAISHER Nyesha
LUCY Street Food
COLANTO Chris C. and Nyesha

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"It probably goes in about a sixteenth of an inch."

Poooolahs!
I have recently returned from Miami with exciting news!

MIAMI IS DOPE.

Let’s all go!
Sure I’ve been before but this time I went down for Art Basel and to visit good friends and had lots of laughs and walks on the beach and lunch at La Côte

annnnnd guess who I ran into at the Ruinart Champagne Party on top of the Dream Hotel? White-haired chef Geoffrey Zakarian from The Food Network’s Chopped and The Next Iron Chef!
Dood looks good in person. He’s relatively tall and doesn’t have one of those Zeppelin heads. He’s opening a restaurant in Miami. No, I did not ask him about this:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/27/dining/27zakarian.html?pagewanted=all
Yipe.
OH I also saw Bayate? Baitaye? Byate? (It’s pronounced BuyUhTay) from Bravo’s Work Of Art – The Next Great Artist. He was the video artist. The one who really just shouldn’t have been on the show at all. He was just walking up and down the street tryna get noticed. He shoulda been the stripper on the stripper pole on top of the Aphrodisiac van that sold ice cream.
I am not kidding.
See- let’s go to Miami. Please? Think about it.

After the judging and reminiscing about Cashew Chuy (and vacuuming of cashews from under couch cushions) the chefs sit split up, ‘boys v. girls’ style. Many thought Cashew Chuy would be there for a while smelling of nuts and waxing poetic about his father. Coke Mouth wants the guys to “rally” because all of a sudden this is a ‘boys v. girls’ competition. (At least that’s what his coke dealer told him to keep him coming for more bumps.)
They enter Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts, their kitchen for the remainder of their time in Dallas, and Street Food says everything looks familiar since that’s where he went to school. Oh snap, I bet that doobie he hid in a shinwa is still there!

Pads wears a green tank top with a yellow shirtdress (always a great color on her) in button down shirt solidarity with Dean Fearing, a classically trained chef.

Fearing was Executive Chef for 20 years at Dallas’ Mansion on Turtle Creek who started his own line of restaurants with the Ritz-Carlton. He has books and a TV show but I think being business partners with the Ritz-Carlton is pretty much all we need to know.

Pads says this Quickfire will test their knowledge as a saucier. Nyesha would be a saucier if she had a choice. Really? You’d just make sauces? Can you make one for your hair?


They draw knives that have the names of the five Mother sauces: Béchamel, Velouté, Espagnole; Hollandaise; Tomate; glued to them. I’m imagining half the Top Chef budget is just for knives they tape words to and later discard.

Quickfire Challenge
Make a dish with a new sauce stemming from a mother sauce. 1.5 Hours to cook, immunity at stake- Time Starts Now!

Chris C. starts his sauce with a roux (flour and butter), which is how you do it traditionally. Baby Face Bev turns her sauce into an Asian one -Heather gives it the gas face! Dakota puts her scallops down too early! Grayson is nervous about all of her elements! Time!

Fearing’s Least Faves – Dakota’s peach infused Béchamel seared scallop, truffle and lemon crab which was “almost like a hollandaise.” Pads: “Yeah.” Dakota looks like she’s going to cry. Nyesha’s tomate sauce with coconut ras el hanout (isn’t that an Indiana Jones villain?) & braised lentils; had too many flavors. And Baby Face’s Bev’s crab maki roll with rib eye, charred shallots, peppercorn, sake & red wine; how do you even fit Espagnole in there?

Fearing’s Favorites –Grayson’s scallop, charred corn hollandaise & corn ravioli with blueberry balsamic reduction. Fearing: “…you made a ravioli! I don’t know if I could make a ravioli in an hour!” Um, don’t tell anyone that, chef. Chris C.’s butter poached halibut over mussels, andouille sausage, mushrooms & Velouté. And Street Food’s quail with picked and roasted mushrooms, garlic scapes & okra in Espagnole. (Even though he didn’t use a traditional roux.) But the one dish cooked to perfection with the most creativity is- Grayson’s!
Fearing: “Woooo!”

Um, she gets immunity, not a roll in the herb garden with you, chef.

The Elimination Challenge
Pads says this will be one of the toughest they’ll ever face. They must work as one team to create a four-course steak dinner for 200 guests.

Coke Mouth immediately checks his coke supply.
Ty-Lor God Of Cooking has “a lot of experience cooking steak.” He worked in a steak house for two years in NYC. (Okay, near a steak house. Near a library. Actually he just worked in the library. Alright, technically he didn’t work there at all everyone just thought he did. Really he just drew penises in all the science fiction novels.)
They must incorporate steak into 2 of the 4 courses, Fearing tells them every steak has to be medium rare, and the meal will be served at the Cattle Baron’s Ball.
Sarah Smiles because her grandfather has been a member of the Cattleman’s Association “for ages.” Yawn- I’m over her Texan history. She says the guests at the Cattle Baron’s Ball are “used to eating steak on a daily basis” and having heart attacks on a reg. (I’m pretty sure these are the kind of people who can afford defibrillators in their cars and homes though.)
The ball will be at the SouthFork Ranch where they shot the Dallas TV series and the winner of the challenge gets a 2011 Product Placement Car! Hurrah!

The one team breaks into course teams: First Course– Soup by
Sarah Smile, Baby Face Bev & Dakota; Second– Appetizer by
Accessory Chef Chris, Coke Mouth & Street Food. Third– Entrée
by Nyesha, Ty-Lor God Of Cooking, SadFace & Chris C. Fourth Course – Dessert by Lindsay, Heather and Grayson. Heather is going to do the same cake she did for the Quinceañera which was Coke Mouth’s recipe. He is not happy about this.

After shopping with $4k for 45 Minutes they have 3 Hours to Prep. Baby Face Bev is cleaning the shrimp for the first course, a watermelon gazpacho soup. Heather is not pleased at Baby Face’s concerns of 3 hours being enough time to prep. (Hey, just do like we did in the olden days, eat the whole damn scrimp! We were so happy to get scrimps back then we damn near ate the shell! I say leave the vein in. Or as I called it when I was little: “the doo doo line.”)

Oh! Now this is happening…

That’s not chicken being cut. That’s a medic tending to the God Of Cooking who jabbed himself as he was extracting bone marrow.
Ty-Lor: "It probably goes in about a sixteenth of an inch and it bleeds pretty well."
Ty-Lor needs stitches. He goes to the ER and no one steps up to say they’ll take care of his duties just in case. Great.

But wait, Ty-Lor returns! The Next Morning. Apparently there were 60 people in the ER. He’s delirious but presses on. (Hey, he’s God, Dood.) Technically he only had four stitches but that’s still more than Jamie had (for those who remember the screw faced, doll-hair headed chef most recently from TC All Stars who didn’t do sheet. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41060723/ns/today-entertainment/t/top-chefs-jamie-calls-all-stars-unfair/#.TuA8V0oib-k)

Everyone arrives at the SouthFork Ranch to the tune of something Bravo’s music supervisor secured that sounds vaguely reminiscent of the Dallas TV series theme song. You know if you were deaf in one ear and didn’t grow up with a TV. FAIL!

3 Hours to Left!
Heather finished the cakes the night prior so she and Lindsay pull tables and put out dishes in a giant room separate from the kitchen that they will use for plating.
Meanwhile SadFace is juuuust putting her gratin in the oven. Heather asks how long Baby Face is going to take with the shrimps. To Camera: “If that was my prep cook and he’s working on shrimp for two days, I would be THrough THa roof.”
Dakota says Heather is obnoxious and a bully. (Meow!) I’d kinda like to see Heather pick up Baby Face Bev and SadFace like 10 pound barbells and toss them in a corner of a basement near an old TV tube 27” Sony that’s broken that hasn’t been taken out of the house yet because, shit, where are you gonna put it? On the corner? Just leave it there? Well you gotta do that at night.

Uh oh, Here Come The Judge!

He goes to Heather first and immediately asks what she’s responsible for (yep, it’s gonna be one of Those Judges’ Panels later.) Heather wisely says she made the cake the day before and it was smarter and she has the most pastry experience, and she wasn’t prom queen at her junior high school cotillion but she was runner up, etc. etc.
Then Colicchio disrupts everyone else. To Dakota: “You’re not going to skin that pepper?” She breaks immediately: “Do you like that? Should I do that? I was in the bottom today, I don’t want to go home!”
My God, hold yourself together, woman! Dakota looks like she’s going to cry.
Meanwhile SadFace tells Fearing she’s not cooking the gratin in a double boiler. He stares at her.

But wait, the reasons cowboy hats are popular arrive!

And also Unibrow and Pads in a stunning red strapless that could set the ranch on fire.

Oh and the Chairman of Cattle Baron’s Org is there with a rep from the American Cancer Society- turns out this thing is the largest cancer fundraiser in the nation. Whoa. Both ways. Both ways whoa. (The irony abounds.)

Ty-Lor who cut his hand and hasn’t had sleep is now dealing with marking the meat (on a grill. Outside. Where it’s 112 degrees. (I’m not kidding.))

As the Judge’s sit, Unibrow asks if there’s a leader. Colicchio says: Coke Mouth started out but “Heather and Lindsay.” Then Sarah Smile presents the 1st Course she made with Dakota & Baby Face Bev: tomato watermelon gazpacho with poached shrimp & avocado mousse. According to Colicchio the flavors are there but “it’s playing it safe.” Unibrow says it hits a good opening note.

Can I just say something? This is lot of fucking work.

And where’s Ty-Lor? Oh-

Dood hasn’t even been in the kitchen. Suddenly, Lindsay is concerned that no one is firing the third course. In the other portion of the giant ranch-
Street Food shows off the 2nd course done by him, Coke Mouth & Accessory Chef Chris: a New York strip carpaccio, heirloom tomato salad, vinaigrette and mushroom “bacon.” Colicchio: “There’s no point of view with this.” Fearing says the steak was cooked well. Unibrow: “I would have peeled the tomatoes. They had a lot of time to work on this…”

Since no one has decided when to put the steaks Ty-Lor marked (on the grill) into the oven to flash cook them, Lindsay yells “I think I need to go back or Heather you go back.” No answer. Linds leaves the plating area tells Accessory Chef to put the marked steaks in the oven. (Can you see this coming?) When they’re perfect and ready to go out Heather says “I say we hang tight.” The guests are (and she’s right) still on the 2nd course.
Heather: “Hold on, everybody wait, let’s take the steaks, put ‘em on the speed rack and then” Coke Mouth “can be like ‘flash, flash, flash and maybe...’”
Street Food: “He already flashed.”
Heather: “He…already…flashed.”
SINKING SHIP KID!
Accessory Chef Chris goes to his quiet place.


ACC: “Flashing the steaks earlier is like when the meteor hit the earth and made the dinosaurs extinct? It’s that big of a deal.”
Then Ty-Lor comes back to see someone fired the steaks too early. He instantly knows he’s screwed.
10 Minutes waiting for the 2nd course to clear later--
The kale is cold and has to be switched out (switching out kale- sounds like durty) and the gratin is a mess.
Yep. Nyesha is wondering if her elements on the dish are enough to stand out on her own. (And this is before the plates even hit the tables!)
She presents the 3rd Course done by her, Ty-Lor, SadFace and Chris C.: grilled rib eye, creamy potato gratin, braised Brussels sprouts and compound butter.
Where do we begin? The steaks are over done, the gratin is undercooked. Unibrow: “It’s a mess.” They like the sauce and butter though.

Lindsay presents the 4th course she made with Grayson and Heather: a ‘right side up’ Texas peach cake with peach salad and candied pecan streusel.
Colicchio likes the cake and says Heather did a great job. Unibrow wants cream in the sugar, Colicchio doesn’t but overall he expected a lot more from them.

Ty-Lor: “I don’t need to hear anything, I just know it’s done for me. The most important thing was to make 200 steaks medium rare and that didn’t happen.”
In the Stew Room when Heather asks what happened with the steaks Ty-Lor says he was responsible (remember he and Heather are friends…) and he only “got an hour sleep.” No one comforts him with a “No, Ty-Lor, it’s not you, nooo.”
Then Heather: “Did everybody pull their weight in there? I don’t know, I mean Bev…”
Yep.
Home girl says Baby Faced Bev spent a lot of time working on shrimps.
Heather: “I’m not sure what else you did.”
Bev apologies and says peeling and cleaning and poaching shrimp takes a long time.
Heather: “it’s all gonna come out.”

She announces that she and Lindsay’s asses are on the line, they were responsible for execution. Well, it seems to me that your girl Lindsay effed it up. I mean Ty-Lor is at fault too for expecting the kitchen to finish the steaks without checking on them but homie set the flashing in motion. I’m with Dakota, Heather gets Bully Status.

Pads asks to see Nyesha, Heather and Accessory Chef Chris.
Oh man…they did…
the best! Three-way hugs all around.

Heather: “Woooo!”
Nyesha: “I can’t take this sh*t.”
Lord above don’t let Heather win the car after this debacle. And with Coke Mouth’s recipe?! Whew.
Compliments abound. Nyesha looks like she’s going to cry when Colicchio says her brown butter “made the dish.”
The winner is-
Heather?!
Wow!
When Heather enters the Stew Room she says: “Anybody wanna ride in my new car?”
Super B!! Was that necessary?

They ask to see Ty-Lor, SadFace and Coke Mouth.
Really?!
SadFace: “Hugh Acheson is my mentor. Seeing him on the panel is comforting because he’s been where I’ve been before.”
Oh real quick. Unibrow will cut his unibrow for charity:
http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2011/12/hugh-achesons-charity-unibrow-offer.html?e=grubstreet--20111205
But I’m pretty sure he’s not cutting any slack for SadFace.

Pads’ says the menu was underwhelming. Ty-Lor says he’s there because the steaks were overcooked.
Colicchio: “You had thirteen people back there, you had time…”
Ty-Lor says it could have worked it they had fired at the correct time…” but he says nothing of Lindsay’s involvement because he didn’t know or ask “ultimately it was my dish…” Jesus, why don’t you just pack your knives now while they’re talking to you? Fight, Cooking God, fight!

Colicchio hammers SadFace with: “Why the decision, when it’s 104 outside to do a gratin of potato?”
Wham.

She says she thought something traditional like that would highlight the steak. Pads tasted some of Tom’s gratin and it was-

“Raaaaw.”
Tell ‘em gf. SadFace apologizes and Unibrow says nothing. In fact he looks a little teary.

He nods a bit as she swears that’s not the kind of cooking she wants to be known for but Fearing speaks: “Even cutting it, you’d have to have felt the raw potato. I’m a little baffled.”

Coke Mouth’s dish said a lot about the menu- cherry tomatoes on top of the meat (that Accessory Chef had cooked.) Peeps playing it safe. Coke Mouth says to their detriment they didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. Unibrow says someone has to rise up. Like an eyebrow.

After the Judge’s take SadFace down like forty pegs and pees on her, Unibrow says he wanted her to do more. He throws in that she’s an assertive young chef who can run a kitchen. Colicchio says if Ty-Lor was putting them on the grill and running to the kitchen every dish would have been perfect. Coke Mouth’s dish was mediocre and not enough.

Most damaging from Colicchio at the end: “We chose 16 chefs and I’m thinking I chose the wrong chefs.”
Well gd!!!
Colicchio: “…Usually it’s difficult to decide who goes home but tonight you made it really easy.”
Pads: SadFace “please pack your knives and go.”


After she leaves, Colicchio: “If you can’t put together a great gratin in six hours, you have no business being here.”
Poor, poor SadFace!
But maybe she’ll get happy!
This is Last Chance Kitchen!
SadFace is excited when she gets the letter from Colicchio. Before she goes up against Cashew Chuy; Big Buddha, Accessory Chef Richie and Andrew from Austin are brought back to watch!
Cashew Chuy picks ostrich, SadFace picks elk.
The challenge: make a great burger. It’s interesting with the eliminated chefs watching, telling them to put pans on, asking what they’re adding and yelling out how much time they have left. Revs up the dramz.


Cashew Chuy is super smug as he presents his ostrich burger with ground pork, crispy onion straws and a Fresno chili aioli, sharp cheddar and bacon. The burger is too big for Colicchio to eat the whole thing. He tries the meat first.
Colicchio asks how Cashew was trying to cook it. He was going for medium rare. Colicchio raises an eyebrow.
Cashew Chuy: “…yeah no bueno.”

Colicchio manages to get SadFace’s elk and pork sausage burger with shallot, garlic, roasted tomato, sunny side up egg, aged white cheddar and pepper aioli into his mouth in one bite. Then he invites The Eliminated up to taste. Big Buddha goes right for Cashew’s burger, noting that he tasted his meat before he fried it.
In the end, Colicchio agrees with Big Buddha on taste… SadFace’s burger wins!
Whew- what a whirlwind! So SadFace is still in, Cashew Chuy is officially out and Heather is a B- bully or b*tch, whatever you’d like.
So until next week, Poolers- think about Miami. For reals.

TOP CHEF TEXAS!
LOGUE Grayson and Big Buddha
TRIPP Heather and Nyesha
ELLIE Street Food and Sarah
KAT B Sarah and Big Buddha
MAUREEN Lindsay and Nyesha
KEITH B Andrew from Austin and Heather
MERIDEN Grayson and Street Food
LB2 Chris C. and Coke Mouth
COLUCCI Accessory Chef Chris and Big Buddha
LB Coke Mouth and Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
KRISTEN K Lindsay and Nyesha
BERTSCH Heather and Dakota
ED K Accessory Chef Chris and Street Food
BROWNIE Nyesha and Street Food
ME Grayson and Lindsay
Q Coke Mouth and Big Buddha
GBG Sarah and Street Food
JET Street Food and Baby Face Bev
STRIPES Lindsay
JENNA Nyesha and Big Buddha
DAISY Nyesha and Street Food
CC SadFace and Ty-Lor God Of Cooking
NIKKI M Sarah and Street Food
FLAISHER Nyesha
LUCY Big Buddha and Street Food
COLANTO Chris C. and Nyesha