The 2nd episode (and now, it’s official, biggest Reality Pool Pot To Date!) began as an Editor’s dream-- Editor: “Hey, instead of a recap right off the bat how about we start at the Judge’s Table with-“
Producer: “Coliccho and Gail arguing?!”
Editor: “No, no one’s there. It’s empty. Then we fade down and we show the reverse of that shot with-“
Producer: “Elia crying?! Do we have a shot of that? We can create that by taking her head and putting it on-”
Editor: “No, no, in that shot there’s no one there.”
Producer: “Oh. Okay...I guess I’m with you.”
Editor: “Then we fade down and up again and we’re at the Top Chef All Star Townhouse with-“
Producer: “No one there?”
Producer: “No. This is not PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3. Also, you’re fired.”
Editor: “I’m your cousin.”
In the Producer’s version, we CUT TO the Stew Room just after Elia has left where Nice Guy Dale says getting the first one under your belt is good but it’s not going to be an easy season.
Marcel: “Elia is amazing chef, for her to go home? Anyone can go.” Blais was still shocked that he was disqualified for plating over the time limit and didn’t win.
(Can someone explain the concept of a TIMER to this skinny guy? I mean, really. The timer went off. You plated AFTER it. You can’t cash a check if the bank is closed.)
Fabio: “Bourdain is a great chef but next time- talk about my food? Be nice.”
Ummm, that is not how this show, reality TV, the real world (reality, not the MTV show) or any restaurant from a Michelin starred one to Mickey Dee’s works, Fabio. Stop it. You’re making yourself less attractive. This displeases me.
The chefs entered the TC Kitchen to find Padma wearing a brown leather vest and detailed gray jersey tank top with black leggings and some sort of low-heeled boot…? Ohhh, it’s cause she standing next to a Jonas Brother. Don’t wanna look too old next to him.
Joe Jonas from The Jonas Brothers, everyone!
(Hear that sound? It’s records breaking everywhere. Not ‘records sold’ records, actual vinyl being smashed over real musicians’ knees.)
Joe Jonas said he was a big fan of the show and Antonia mentioned her daughter was a huge fan of his and would be unbelievably excited she was in the same vicinity. Punchy Dale thought Joe Jonas was a pastry chef.
I am not making that up.
The Quickfire Challenge!
The American Museum of Natural History in New York is having a sleepover.
Oh, it’s real. I looked it up, it’s for 7-13 year olds, and costs $99-129 per kid person (depending on membership.) 150 kids would be staying over, Joe was a surprise. The chefs had to create an original snack and Joe would decide which one would be served at midnight. He told the chefs they would not have utensils or plates so they had to brown bag it and they had… thirty seconds.
Everyone was shocked.
Joe Jonas: “I’m just kidding.”
Ha ha! You wanna die in this kitchen, JJ?
Padma told the chefs the winner would get immunity and an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.
45 Minutes To Cook starts now!
Dale took the whole container of sugar to his station. (To camera) he said he had no idea what Joe Jonas eats. Nice Guy Dale said he could make better dog biscuits than kid food. Apparently Dale has never tasted a Zwieback cracker. Having been a babysitter and a curious kid, I’ve eaten Zweibacks and Milkbones, they don’t taste that different.
Nice Guy Dale said kids are the pickiest eaters out there and they will cry in your face if they don’t get what they want. Then he combined pretzels, chocolate and cinnamon. He said he was making crack for small children.
In the pantry, Fabio yelled for the sugar. Everyone repeated his question.
Anybody take the sugar already?
Who has the sugar out?
Punchy Dale didn’t answer. Someone noticed and said the sugar was on Dale’s station.
Casey (to Camera): “If you are gonna take the sugar out of the pantry, take it and put it back.”
Marcel grumbled to Black Tiff: “You take the whole f*cking container? That’s f*cking somebody’s game plan up.”
Black Tiff agreed (to Camera) “Don’t do that again, Dale.”
Yeah, get mad, Black Tiff! I’d put all my money on her in a fight against Punchy Dale. And pretty much anyone else.
Slimer said growing up his mother brown bagged it for him but he didn’t remember because it probably wasn’t very good.
Marcel said his mother took over the food program at his elementary school and they showed cute photos of a young Marcel giving no indication he would turn into the douche he is today.
Carla Cosby did a sort of stretched-leg walk/run (Carla is super tall all of a sudd- oh it’s her hair, with that headband she looks like a black celery stalk.)
Meanwhile Spike made potato chips just as he did as a kid in his father’s restaurant when DSS didn’t come round asking why the hell a six year old was running the slicer.
White Tiff didn’t know how to use the nitrogen tank and asked Blais who obliged. She recalled cooking for the Boys and Girls’ Club in the first season- Flashback: She told the Judges “…the palette of a ten year old is not a sophisticated tool by any stretch of the imagination.”
Colicchio: “It’s a good thing you have immunity because your attitude is lousy.”
Oucher! (Also, that’s all she gets called? ‘Lousy,’ man those were easy days back then.)
White Tiff admitted she was a complete as*hole (that’s why I picked her, she has something to prove) and she wanted to give the kids what they wanted: the baby that results when a Snowball and a Moon pie and a Rice Krispies treat have a threesome.
Sooo, which one is the man in that equation?
Blais admitted he was a husky kid that used to eat cereal with heavy cream (that’s on some ol’ British ish!) because no one monitored him and heavy cream was delicious. Hey, I used to eat mayonnaise sandwiches growing up. Not cause I really wanted to but they were just as good and deadly.
Punchy Dale said healthy food sucks and unhealthy food tastes good and the kids were gonna be wired and he should have laced his corncakes with Nyquil so the kids would pass out. Okay,
first off, you’re making corncakes? You made them as a joke in the first ep. You’re making them again?
Second, why do you look constipated all the time? This Dood is So Mad!
5 Minutes Left!
Antonia offered to help Slimer who was “doing a lot of sweating and probably lost 15 pounds making his cookies.” She likes him. (Maybe she wants him to sweat on her…)
Hands up, utensils down!
Antonia made a white chocolate & cherry muffin with cinnamon & allspice. JJ: “I like it.”
Blais made white bread baked in the microwave, spiced apples with whipped honey & crunchy chocolate (white bread in the meekrowave? That’s UK style for reals!) JJ: “Wonderful.”
Spike presented homemade potato and carrot chips with mascarpone & marshmallow dip, yogurt and lime zest. JJ: “I’ve never had marshmallow and potato chips before.” (Yes you have JJ, you’re like 12.)
Tre mumbled his presentation of a simple cracker with homemade cranberry and cherry jam and apple smoked bacon with basil. Hey, Tre?
Um, I picked you. Why don’t you have any energy? You don’t have to tickle balls but you look defeated already! (Ugh, I should went with The Two Tiffs.)
Casey –chocolate bacon lasagna with apple juice and candy, “just to be thoughtful.” Umm, are they going to reveal the Diabetes Foundation is sponsoring this sleepover? I think they should just to prove a point.
Nice Guy Dale said this was a special night so they should get jacked up on sugar. He presented sweet tart nuggets and caveman boulders with chocolate sauce. “It’ll be like a ten year old rave.” JJ liked that.
Jamie –mini-cheddar biscuits with homemade cinnamon applesauce for dipping. Yawn.
Black Tiff –coconut rice pudding that, admittedly, was a little warm. JJ: “It’s falling apart here.” Black Tiff: Yeeeah.”
Punchy Dale –corncake with dried cherries, vanilla and whipped maple topping.
Fabio: “So I got some apple.” (So cute!) - apple slices dipped in white chocolate, caramel & blueberry and then another round in dark chocolate, marshmallow and dried ginger. Fab (with a low voice): “You know in Italy a midnight snack is roasted chicken and some pasta.” Padma laughed out loud. Fab looked at her like she was the chicken he was gonna roast.
And Fabio is back, YAY!
White Tiff -rice krispy treats with snowballs and malted milk and graham crackers.
Angelo (aka Dusty): “What I made is Cheese Crisps 2010, The New Evolution.” That sounds like a Bond film no one wants to see -fried dough, white pepper, Old Bay spice (you used that last week, Dust) and spiced cheddar crumbs.
Tie Knot -snicker doodle sandwich with white chocolate coconut Grenache, apricot and mint.
Jen Carroll –bacon ginger taffy and honey grilled peaches. “And if the kid’s don’t like it they can whip it at each other.”
Slimer –“We got two things for you today…” What’s with the ‘we’? Blais did that too –chocolate coconut corn bar (polenta) and coconut horchata (a traditional Mexican drink made of rice, almonds, cinnamon and sugar.)
Hey, they didn’t show Carla’s snack!!! WTH?! It’s already an hour and fifteen minute long ep they coulda put her in!
JJ’s least faves- Black Tiff (!) who raised her eyebrows like ‘Excuse me?!’ JJ looked apologetic and said her snack was messy –he thought the kids would have a hard time keeping it together and made a little sorry face; Slimer’s chocolate wasn’t strong enough (?); and Tie Knot didn’t use enough…mint? (Really, JJ these are kind of lame reasons. Kids don’t even know what the hell mint is.)
JJ had two favorites: Spike and White Tiff. He said it was a tie.
Something smells fishy.
Then Padma said they were going to the Museum to let the children decide.
Yup. That’s fish!
Spike was mad, Nice Guy Dale said he was trying to avoid kids, “they’re called brats for a reason.”
Pads told them they were gonna need help making 150 snacks. Uh Oh. Team time.
Jamie admitted it sucks because they had to help someone else win the Quickfire, “I don’t care.” We know, b*tch, we know.
Spike (arms crossed and black baseball cap backwards and to the side) and White Tiff each picked chefs.
Team Spike: Blais, Punchy Dale, Marcel, Tie Knot, Angelo, Slimer, Carla Cosby
Team White Tiff: Jen, Antonia, Nice Guy Dale, Casey Jamie, Black Tiff, Tre
Fabio was left standing! Oh Fabio!
Padma asked which team he wanted to help out.
Fab: “He was trying to get rid of me but I’ll go with Spike.”
Spike laughed. Fabio said people underestimate his skills and “I choose to be with Spike team because I want to pissed off Spike.” Spike’s just mad cause baseball cap or not, you’ll always be hotter, Fab.
2 Hours To Cook!
Nice Guy Dale likened his team to The Spice Girls and a bodyguard versus all the cool guys and “their babysitter Carla.”
Spike said White Tiff was a drill sergeant and could be abrasive and he has a lot more fun, then he called Spike ‘Fabian.’ Twice.
(If you ask me that’s more of a dis than Bourdain talking about Fabio’s food being on paper but Fabio didn’t say a word.)
As everyone ran around, Blais wished he was on White Tiff’s team to help out with the liquid nitrogen action.
Punchy Dale said working on Spike’s dish was like asking him to make dinner without buying the groceries, “it’s like trying to make chicken soup with chicken sh*t. It ain’t gonna work.”
(Remind me never to eat at Punchy Dale’s restaurant.)
Dusty asked Punchy what flavor profiles Spike was going for. Punchy: “Not a clue.”
Fabio said he thinks White Tiff chose him “lasted” because she doesn’t respect him but he likes to be “under the rudder.”
I’d like you under my rudder…Meow. (Huh? No, My Mama’s not in the Pool this time so I can be as dirty as I want! Oh, Mama says Hi. She also says “Boston ain’t got sh*t” because you can’t spend the night in our Museums. Like Mama would want to do that.)
The chefs arrived at the Museum. Punchy Dale asked if anyone knew any tricks to help sell their snack. Too late, 300 kids ran in looking crazed! They grabbed bags, screamed and ate.
Spike tried to campaign for his chips and dip. Jen tried to pump up Tiff’s team. Jamie walked around in a daze without speaking to anyone: “I don’t campaign to them.”
Without blinking Jamie said (To Camera) she’s actually not interested in having children. Ever.
Hey! You know what time it is!
List Of Things Jamie Doesn't 'Do' Or Know!™
-open a restaurant
-braise celery ("never before in life")
-make a sauce from ham
-complain (this is debatable)
Black Tiff said the kids were going ballistic because they had so much sugar. CUT TO one boy screaming and shaking uncontrollably at the Camera. He stops then screams again.
Black Tiff: “Yeah, we did that.”
Padma and Joe Jonas walked in and the kids went even more NUTS (even the boys.) As they flipped out Oprah-Audience Style, JJ asked who liked the chips and dip: tiny smattering of applause.
Spike: “Ohhh nooo.”
White Tiff’s snack was deemed the best.
She received immunity and an advantage. The kids clapped for JJ and ran off in a glucose frenzy, leaving bags and bits of chips and chocolate in their wake. The chefs sighed. It was 1:30AM.
Then Colicchio walked in…
The Elimination Challenge
Colicchio told them they were joining the sleepover. (So much for the beer and bed that Slimer wanted.)
They had to create a breakfast for the kids and their parents at 7:30AM! They were to use what they found in the museum kitchen and that’s it. (A security guard’s pb&j sammy?)
In the spirit of the diets of the T-Rex and the Brontosaurus skeleton they were standing near, one team would cook with meat and meat by products only, one team would be cooking with fruits, vegetables and grains. White Tiff picked meat and dairy. Black Tiff said she thought this was a good idea.
Colicchio said there would be a winning team and a losing team. One chef from the losing team was going home.
Jen (clapping): “I love breakfast!”
The exhausted Chefs get to the Hall of Mammals: decked out with cots, flashlights and Top Chef pajamas that I’m sure are already for sale on bravotv.com. Tie Knot looked like he was going to have a panic attack. “I’m not used to this. I live in a loft. Downtown Manhattan. Very comfortable. And this is creating a sense of…uncomfortability if you will.”
Honestly, this is a guy who never wants to get his hands dirty. I can’t see him doing much of anything aside from working the gift-wrap tables at Saks.
Tre said he likes to sleep neekid so this wasn’t working out so good. (I’m sure your balls will survive a night under wraps, T.)
The teams talked strategy.
Spike’s Team split into groups- Fabio &Tie Knot, Slimer & Punchy, Carla & Spike, Blais, Marcel & Angelo. Meanwhile on White Tiff’s Team, Jen (pointing): “I’m against you, you’re against me. Like we’re all against each other so we need to figure out what we’re each doing because our *sses are on the line no matter what.”
Black Tiff (To Camera): “I’m like, Jen, take a chill pill. I think that it will be great.”
They decided to break into teams of two: Nice Guy Dale & White Tiff, Black Tiff & Antonia, Casey & Tre and Jen & Jamie.
Casey said they didn’t have any idea how many meats or eggs they would have. There was no way of knowing what they would find in the morning…
All kids were asleep, Tre had his shirt off and a towel over his eyes. But some Chefs decided to go on a flashlight tour.
Marcel, Fabio, Spike, Nice Guy Dale, Angelo, Blais, Slimer and Tie Knot tooled about. (Antonia thought that since they only have 45 minutes to sleep, that was insane.)
Fabio: “We walk around animal corpse and skeleton and dino-sore.”
Spike said the other team was gonna lose because they were gonna have ‘sleepy brain,’ a brain that doesn’t like to have fun. Yeah, okay.
Nice Guy Dale said the Neanderthal looked like Fabio. (Fab wasn’t around but again, that’s meaner than what Bourdain said about Fab’s food.)
3:44AM ALARM! (not the museum alarm. Oh and I’m not making any NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM jokes cause I didn’t see that ish.)
Tre hoped everything they needed was in the kitchen. They sprinted into the kitchen 4AM to find the shelves tagged with Team Brontosaurus (Spike’s peeps) and Team T-Rex (White Tiff’s peeps.)
Everyone was psyched with the amount and variety of food until Team T-Rex realizes they don’t have any flour, acid or herbs.
White Tiff: “I think I made the assumption that a carnivore is an omnivore.”
Yeah you did.
Black Tiff: “We don’t have any herbs!?”
Nice Guy Dale said they couldn’t even bake anything. “And then you look at Team Brontosaurus and it’s like sunshine, puppies and rainbows over there. I want to punch them.”
Hey, now BOTH Dales are punchy!
Jen and Jamie decide to do a version of bacon and eggs. Jen: “My Dad always said second place is still losing. So I came to win this thing.”
(Oh that makes me sad.)
Fabio & Tie Knot decide on fresh gnocchi in 2 hours! Carla Cosby is concerned. Tie Knot says his Pisan and he decided on gnocchi and Fab is doing that but he has to do everything else, the sauce, the herbs, and the veggies. Then Jamie cuts pork and her knife slips and she cuts through her thumb!
Jamie: “The medic tells me I need stitches so I’m going to get stitches.” She apologizes over and over again to her team. Someone said: “Good luck, we love you, go away.”
She apologizes again and says she’s gonna be back as soon as possible but then chick is strooooooolling out of the kitchen. Um, break into a run, b*tch!
Casey: “What the hell? Really?”
Fabio: “In my season I broke my finger. I suck it up. Tight it up on a fork and move on. In professional kitchen, you gotta be a team player. Whatever it takes.”
Well I think we all know Jamie is not a team player.
1.5 hours to set up!
Jen said she had no issues with Jamie, she had to take care of her finger. She braised the pork belly and decided to do a little bit of hard-boiled egg on top. Keeping it simple and clean.
Tre: “T-Rex’s selection ain’t so the best anymore.” He asked Casey if she had any ideas, she said ‘No’ as she pulled bones from salmon. Tre took charge and he did the sauce.
Casey said she and Tre got along very well.
Black Tiff and Antonia worked on three different types of frittatas but they were having problems with the oven cooking evenly. Antonia was worried if it was going to work! Jen slipped on the wet floor and threw down paper towels! Punchy Dale began to scrape polenta off a large tin saying “this cake’s not gonna happen, we should serve this as polenta, straight up polenta!”
Fabio said you have to be delicate when you cook gnocchi and Spike was “turning it like a little tsunami.” He wanted to blanche 10 gnocchi at a time but Spike wasn’t listening. Antonia said the other team was all over the place. Spike was making gazpacho. Antonia: “Who wants to eat gazpacho and gnocchi at 7:30 in the morning?”
Casey said Jen’s pork belly tasted like wet bacon. Jen: “I think it’s good.”
The Chefs had an hour to set up breakfast outside.
Dusty thought that the plums in the dish he, Marcel and Blais came with were two big and secretly asked Carla Cosby to cut them into smaller pieces. (Why you gotta ask the Black Lady, yo? Wth is wrong with your needle-pricked arms?)
Marcel (To Camera): “I’m like, really dude? You don’t eff with someone else’s mise en place.”
He said ever since that moment he had his eye on Angelo because he didn’t know his intentions.
Then Jamie showed up. She had two Stitches.
Nice Guy Dale said he chopped off a big chunk of his thumb before, taped it with duct tape and kept going. Two stitches really felt like a cop out. “If you’re a real chef that shouldn’t be an issue.” I concur!
Jamie complained that at this point she was Jen’s Sous Chef, just helping her out: “That’s not my dish.”
Yeah cause you smoked weed with an ambulance driver for two stitches. I mean, honestly, couldn’t the Medic have given her those stitches? My God. I remember this one time, at Knife Camp? I cut the very tip of my finger so bad I thought I was gonna need stitches but I squeezed and held it so long the friggin thing fused back together and didn’t bleed anymore. Yah. See what I’m saying?
But there’s no time to discuss wounds cause here come the Judges!
Padma wore a strapless white and black top with a navy band-leader-ish jacket over it. Gail wore…clothes. Then Colicchio introduced Katie Lee! EW! And Hey, no Bourdain?!
Katie Lee was the host of the first season of Top Chef and Billy Joel’s wife at the time. (Thus, how she got the job.)
Tie Knot said there was a lot of history. Why? Because you named a dish an orgasm once and as she ate it she said it lives up to its name? Did you also see VALENTINE’S DAY and think you were married to Jennifer Gardiner when you left the theater?
What I recall about Katie is her lack of food knowledge and mostly, her annoying monotone/stilted voice. Apparently so did Billy Joel cause they’re not married anymore.
Spike’s Team (Brontosaurus): Punchy Dale & Slimer presented their fresh corn grits, stewed peppers and salsa verde (yum!)
Marcel, Blais & Dusty –banana parfait with fruit & tandoori maple (which looked beautiful)
Carla Cosby & Spike –“V9” their take on gazpacho with fruits and vegetables
Fabio & Tie Knot –potato gnocchi with leeks, spinach & mushrooms
The Judges joined the kids as they ate. Gail thought the polenta was creative. One of the Museum workers didn’t like the textures. Katie liked Fabio’s gnocchi. One of the kids didn’t like the gazpacho because it was spicy and they don’t like tomatoes. I bet they don’t like museums either. Gail remarked at how lovely the parfait looked.
White Tiff’s Team (T-Rex): Black Tiff & Antonia –bacon & cheddar, ham & cheese and chèvre mini-frittatas
Tre & Casey – salmon with shrimp & apple smoked bacon sauce
Jen & Jamie –braised bacon & hard boiled eggs (which looked a bit like chopped eggs on pink raft in a dirty water)
Nice Guy Dale & White Tiff –steak & eggs with smoked paprika crème fresh hollandaise (which looked like a car wreck, Nice Guy admitted they only had 40 seconds to plate it in the end and were bumping into each other as they did. He said, accurately, that it was a mess.)
The kids and the judges didn’t really dig Jen & Jamie’s dish. Gail said it wasn’t cooked the way she wanted it to be. Padma asked about Tre’s sauce on the salmon: too salty. Tre knew the sauce was continuing to reduce on the burner but he’d rather have salty food than bland food. Oh boy.
During the Bump, everyone remarked how Fabio was the man as he sold his gnocchi. Going down the line putting it on everyone’s plate. Saying it was his grandmother’s recipe. Giving out kisses and hugs. (That’s my kinda chef, yo.)
White Tiff: “The advantage to me is not a blind decision. I assumed, T-Rex eats everything, Brontosaurus only eats veg. My assumption was that we’d have access to everything and you guys would only have veg.”
Marcel said the advantage was that she got to choose.
Fabio broke it up completely: “You guys, I made gnocchi with no egg and no butter.”
White Tiff: “It’s water under the bridge, sort of…”
What? White Tiff shut up!
Padma walked in and asked to see Team Brontosaurus. After they left Jen sighed big. Nice Guy Dale said he thought their dishes were off and bizarre for kids and their parents.
Jen: “…I don’t cook for the people anymore” She said she cooks for the judges. Nice Guy: “I think that’s selfish.”
Jen: “Do you want to win or do you wanna make the 150 people happy that you’re never gonna see again?”
Dayum, Jen! (She’s kinda right though…)
At Judge’s Table, Padma congratulated Team Brontosaurus! They all clapped.
Colicchio said everything was really good. He asked who took the lead and Marcel said they all threw out ideas and it happened organically. Fabio said he wanted to do gnocchi, Colicchio asked if they all came out okay: “Not all of them because Spike was doing them.” They laughed.
Katie loved the parfait and said it was clear they worked together as a team, Marcel chuckled. The winning dish was… the banana parfait -
Dusty: “When I’m on a streak I think it’s really hard to beat me to be honest.” How about with a shoe, Dusty? I think that could be easy.
Marcel: “If there was only one person who won the challenge it probably would have gone to me because I had more components on the plate than anybody else. (hand on chin) But I don’t know, it could just be me.”
White Tiff looked sober as Marcel told them the Judge’s wanted to see Team T-Rex.
Here we go- Black Tiff, Antonia, White Tiff, Nice Guy Dale, Jamie, Jen, Casey and Tre lined up.
White Tiff started off by saying her advantage wasn’t really an advantage (the old battle axe is back, ya’ll!) She said the choice of one or the other wasn’t an advantage at all because it wasn’t explained.
Gail said the challenge was about adaptability. Coliccho said he thought he was pretty clear, he said meat and meat by-products only.
White Tiff: “In all fairness we got in the kitchen and we were like Uh uh oh. But I thought we did really well for what we had.”
White Tiff, stop.
Katie told Black Tiff and Antonia her frittata was raw in the center. They admitted they had problems with the oven.
Gail said White Tiff and Dale’s steak and eggs were beautiful but if you can’t cook eggs none of you should be there.
(Guess Gail was looking for more complexity. Not in her wardrobe though which is why I didn’t mention it earlier.)
Casey looked teary as Padma told her the salmon was salty. She said Tre made the sauce. He said it may have over-reduced his shrimp sauce a bit and it got a little salty. Colicchio was mad that Tre knew he had salty sauce. Tre answered by shrugging his shoulders and poking his lips out a bit.
(Come on, Tre! WTH?)
Suddenly Jen, hands in her back pockets, began to drop her head and shift her weight like she was about to fight.
Padma: “Jen, you seem really pissed off.
Jen: “Yeah, I am. I don’t feel like I deserve to be here. Or that we as a team deserve to be here.”
Gail asked if she tasted the other team’s food.
Jen said she tasted every single one of their dishes, of course she did.
Gail: “And you didn’t like it?”
Jen smiled fast, tilted her head to the side and stopped smiling.
Um, can I speak seriously here? I think Jen didn’t know they were going from the Quickfire to the Museum into the Elimination Challenge to Judging and wasn’t able to take her meds. I mean, she’s combative and kinda scary right now.
Gail asked what Jen didn’t like. Jen said she thought they were better, “that’s all I’m gonna say” Colicchio smiled a little.
White Tiff said she tasted their dishes but it wasn’t breakfast.
Jen: “Gnocchi for breakfast?” She rolled her eyes.
Katie said they took it as an inventive approach and that’s where their team lacked. Jen dropped her head to the side.
Coliccho asked why they didn’t choose to plate the dishes individually. Why they just piled everything on one plate.
Jen: “You guys are smart enough, you’re the judges, why can’t you say, ‘Hey can I get a different plate for this?’
Tre’s eyebrows went up. White Tiff: “Oh wow.”
Jen titled her head back and stared at the judges.
Holy Crap. For real, Jen needs her Xanax or Paxil or whatever it is that makes her able to deal because I’ve never seen her like this and ALSO if she just shuts the eff up they can get to the fact that Jamie left and didn’t cook anything because she needed TWO STITCHES! Colicchio: “Yeah, I’m smart enough to know that but maybe someone on your team should be smart enough to know that.”
In your face. Sorta.
Colicchio asked if Jamie helped out with the pork dish.
Jamie said they conceptualized it and then she cut herself and had to get stitches.
Colicchio asked if that was a factor. Jen said not at all and that each and every single person helped out with her dish.
UGH- Doooood, at least say it would have been helpful to have Jamie there!
Antonia: “Jamie made the decision to leave.”
Antonia: “Would I have just duct taped my finger and continued working? Yes. Did everyone else on the team pretty much say the same thing? Yes.”
Jamie looked pissed but Gail was still on the Jen Carroll express train to cracktown…
Gail said it was about proportioning, the egg got lost. Jen disagreed. Colicchio said the pork was seasoned well but the egg whites and yolk on top were really bland…
Jen: “No- no way. It wasn’t bland, the egg was seasoned perfectly. The bacon was very strong in flavor.”
PAUSE MOMENT- 1:06 in when Casey is looking down scratching her upper lip like Huh? And Tre is looking down with his hand on his mouth like Oh man, chick is gone.
Meanwhile, Jen continued: “It was smoky, it was spicy, it was everything I wanted it to be. I will fight to the death on this. Zero doubt in my mind it was under-seasoned.”
Colicchio: “We’re gonna have to agree to disagree on that one.”
Jen: “We will.”
Padma actually looked nervous when she said they had a decision to make and dismissed them. Nervous for herself and for everyone else in the Stew Room.
When the other chefs asked what they said Jen replied she yelled at the judges more than they yelled at them.
Jamie: “Yeah, it was pretty good.”
(Sure, talk now, Stitches.)
Nice Guy Dale asked if Jen was like that in her season at judges table and she said absolutely not.
Jen: “Welcome to Jen All Stars.”
Gail said she had rarely seen any of them get so angry. Colicchio said he didn’t mind- if someone was gonna go home it was for giving them a bad dish, not for talking back.
Okay, nice to hear. Just have someone else start your car for a couple of weeks.
Padma said it was safe to say that White Tiff (with immunity) and Nice Guy Dale weren’t going home because their steak and eggs was their favorite dish. Katie said they could have found Black Tiff and Antonia’s frittatas on a hotel buffet or on a cruise ship. Casey cooked the salmon nicely but the sauce was too aggressive. Colicchio said to just sit there and say he knew it was salty?
Stew Room- Tre sat with Casey and Nice Guy Dale and remarked: “This one over here (Jen) just put herself out there, it’s like she just jumped in front of the bus, calling the judges stupid?” Casey: “They don’t care. It’s not about them.”
Judge’s Table- Katie said the textures of Jen’s dish were just soft on soft on soft.
And she should know, she was 22 when she started sleeping with a 2,000 year old Billy Joel.
Colicchio said he didn’t care what Jen said, the eggs on top were bland.
And then what about Jamie? Gail: “Where to put her?” Padma: “…to hear your teammate say No, it made no difference that she was here...”
Jamie: “It feels like I let you guys down and that sucks.”
Jen made a sort of sucking noise.
They were all called back-
Colicchio said they knew it was a difficult challenge and if anyone expected an easy ride they were kidding themselves.
He dismissed White Tiff & Nice Guy Dale. White Tiff said good luck to everyone.
He told Black Tiff & Antonia their dish was inconsistent and they were better chefs than what they put out.
Jamie & Jen- the texture was off and the garnish was under-seasoned. He admired that Jen was vigorously defending the dish but it wasn’t going to make the dish better.
Casey & Tre- the salmon was fine the sauce ruined the dish.
Padma: “Jen, please pack your knives and go.”
Jen smiled and laughed.
Antonia said what I said out loud: “Holy sh*t”
Colicchio didn’t even look up.
Jen said she was shocked and her bacon and eggs were a great dish. She thought maybe she was too strong for them at Judges Table. Maybe she was too vocal. She didn’t know why she was going home.
She shook every judges hand.
She entered the Stew Room and saluted. “Adios.” Then she did a sort of one knee curtsey. (See, Homegirl is looped for reals.)
Jen: “Like my Dad has always said, second place is still losing. So I wonder what he’s going to say about second to last.”
Oh Man. I’m having a flashback of watching of Martha Stewart’s life story on The Biography Channel. Lordy. She had a perfectionist, withholding dickmobile Dad too.
Jen: “I expected to make it into the finale, I feel like I was robbed and don’t think it’s right.”
She hugged people, kissed and hugged Slimer the longest.
Marcel held the door open for her as she left.
And then- after being totally composed, once she was off camera in a hysterical voice you could hear her yell: “This is effing bullshit! I’m not even supposed to be effing close to the bottom, not even effing close!”
Everyone kept their heads down.
Casey said she fought but it just didn’t work out. They’re not playing. Spike: “That’s for real.”
As Jen packed up she said her style of cooking wasn’t going to change. She is who she is and she’s a great chef and a great person. The judges got it wrong.
Or maybe your psychologist did.
Next ep- two chefs are going home. For now we’re all still in the running…