Friday, September 24, 2010

"I'd love to drizzle some chocolate on Padma..."

What up, yo!!!!????
Hey, nice to see you here again. Thanks for coming. Before I get started check this out- some Bravo dish on my girl Lauren Zalaznick. She’s prolly just holding out for more cheddar. You deserve it LZ!

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3i0121638c1a14264a3036c60434b12d9c

I could Not Wait to watch this show because of the main controversy and I tell you now, this reunion did not disappoint. Before I start sayin’ “No Sir!” “Uh oh” and “Whuuut?!” to my teevee out loud let’s start at the beginning:
Andy Cohen used to be a Producer for 48 Hours and CBS This Morning. Now he’s Bravo’s SVP of Original Programming and Development. For reals. And he has brilliantly parlayed that into a giant TV gig starring…let’s see, whom should we get for this job? Oh, how about Andy Cohen?
Yah.
He’s also an Executive Producer of Top Chef!
Triple paycheck pleasures!
Andy used to only host reunion shows but now (supasmart Bravo) he has turned That into a show called Watch What Happens where he periodically talks to Bravo’s reality TV show personalities and, on occasion, stars.
I like Andy because he’s down to earth and asks all the questions we want answered. There are no real niceties like- let’s plug your book or your hairspray- those are fleeting moments so he can get to the meat of the matter.
For the TC DC Reunion, Andy was fresh off the fight from the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (which I haven’t seen yet but I’m hoping involved hair pulling because that’s unbeweaveable.)

Right away Andy told us the fan favorite would not be revealed tonight (WTH? That’s ass!) but they will reveal the chefs of Top Chef All Stars, which is coming to Bravo in December. Oh, cool. More TC this year! Later I looked on Andy’s Blob and discovered: “We couldn't announce the fave at the reunion, by the way, because we taped it in early August and voting had just begun so we had inconclusive results.”
Inconclusive results? Um, this is not the Presidential Election. Though I bet the whole thing is run better than Florida and with much more expensive food and wine.

All of our favorites returned for the Reunion. Including Tamesha! (Who had earrings resembling Fruit Loops on a ring.) Tiffany! (Sporting lipstick AND silver eye shadow (making up for the calf-length shorts, Tiff?)) And Angelo! (aka Dusty!) Who wore a shirt that looked like the vomit he expectorated in the Finals in Singapore. Kenny Q Sign, Ed from Boston, Tiffany, Dusty, Kevin, Indie Film Star Kelly and Amanda (Pilly) all sat in the front row.

They congratulated Top Chef Winner (and me and CC’s and Stripes’ and Lucy’s and Q’s pick) Kevin!
Yay!
Andy asked (Viewer’s Question) if part of his win was having Michael V. as a Sous Chef. Kevin said it didn’t matter and that he also knew Hung (Touché Turtle!)
Andy asked Ed from Boston if Ilan was a factor and Ed admitted he was disappointed in getting him and began to joke at Ilan’s expense, then Gail jumped in (Oh- Gail, Colicchio, Rippert and Padma avec de monticules on set, yal’ll! Monty in a…hmmm…that gold off the shoulder top isn’t bulging like it should. Awww, guess feeding time is over.)
Gail: “Um, Ilan can cook. We’re all bagging on him but he won, lest we forget.”
SFX: Crickets. Ed was shamed. Yeah, stand up for past winners, Gail!

Next came the “let’s watch your journey” vidjoe package (that’s a bunch of clips edited together to reflect a common theme, Mama! Hi Mama! Does ‘Princess’ love her new flat screen TV and leather recliner? Geez, you’d think SHE won…) highlighting Kevin’s ride to the top. Kevin said when his mother died he was the one who had to make the decision to take her off life support. Dayum. Heavy ish.
Indie Film Star Kelly said Kevin has the subtle flavor combined with the look of the food. Then footage of people remarking and food shots that really did look spectacular. I scolded Kevin for his presentation once but really I just didn’t dig his quick temper over stoopid things- that’s a distraction, Kev. I’m glad he overcame it to win. He said he would use the money to open a restaurant and buy a house (um, did the prize money double?)

Andy asked Dusty how heartbroken he was to get that far and then be sick and almost not able to compete in the finals. Dusty said this was not how he would have written it.
Um, no kidding. You think I would have written going to the Senior Prom with my brother’s wife’s brother? Ish happens, Dust. Celebrate how well you did despite the throw up.

Andy asked Kenny Q Sign about getting voted off early. Kenny, who looked a lot wider than when we last saw him, said he was surprised but that’s how it goes. What a good, gigantic sport!

Viewer’s Question: Tom seems to be getting grumpier and grumpier. Ooooo, even Padma nodded on this one!
Colicchio answered that in the beginning the food wasn’t very good and when you’re shooting and spending time away from your family for a month you at least want the food to be good. Point taken, but a month? You’re telling me the take out or room service in Chi-Town can’t suffice for the pineapple red curry mussels with squid ink pasta, coconut milk and foccacia you’re getting on a reg during WORKING HOURS? How about this: try working for a month on an ad and still having your family think you get paid ever time it’s in a magazine. But no, let’s feel sorry for Poor Chef Tom away from his giant mansions and restaurants and children with names like Pistachio and Invention.

Viewer’s Question: How did Eric Rippert get so good looking?
Okay, I really like you Andy but you didn’t have to include that one. They should just show a photo of his parents and his bank account. Hot As Hell Rippert, totally unfazed, said sometimes he hears that comment but he always answers: “It doesn’t make a difference in the kitchen.” (Unless you’re Michael V. In which case you can open and plate a can of cold beans to the explosion of women’s panties around the Globe. (Except for Gbag’s, of course.))

When it came to Tiffany getting the heave ho, the Judge’s said Tiffany’s dish had a rustic look compared to Kevin’s more polished dish. No mention of the bitter pepper skin?
Tiffany, who sat next to Ed on the couch just smiled. She could care less. She won 20k and two trips to Europe and I’m sure Colgate is calling her soon. Then Andy said they had a Top Chef Wedding, which was totally misleading; they just meant Tiffany got married. At this point she hoisted her rock in the air and showed it off saying: “I’s married now” (a la Oprah Winfrey in THE COLOR PURPLE which I only feel comfortable saying in front of other Blacks. But, hey, that’s just me.) The wedding was in Costa Rica and- wait Arnold was there? Out of all of the chefs, “I, I, I, I, I” was invited? He even got to announce the couple when they came out for the first time at the reception? Um, did we even see Tiff and Arnie talking to each other during his short stay in DC? RAN-DOM.

Andy asked, about Ed and Tiffany’s “unique bond.” Here comes the Swirl Vidjoe Package! Ed: “This is great, this will be great for my girlfriend.”
We saw them drinking, laughing and playing dominoes as they spoke about each other. Ed saying she was a great chef and had an amazing smile; Tiffany calling Ed “My Eddie”; Bad Perm’s quote about Ed having a gf and Tiffany having a fiancé. THEN- in the Stew Room- with Bad Perm to Tiffany’s right and Ed to Tiffany’s left…
Ed (slight slur): “We can get a little quick one in before she walks down the aisle.” Tiffany shook her head ‘No,’ Bad Perm smiled. Ed: “If you wanna try the white guy…”
Everyone hollered and Ed turned red as a beet.
Ed: “Everything was cool until that one.”
Andy asked what it was between them. Tiffany: “I would describe it as fray-endships, everyone develops fray-endships.” Tiffany said her husband laughs, he knows who she’s going home too.
Ed: “My girlfriend Diana…”
Tiffany: “Say her name.” (Oooooo)
Ed: “…at first she was like ‘Is there a thing with you and Tiffany?’ and I was like ‘Don’t worry.’ So, I dunno. I dunno I just feel really bad right now.”
Ahhh, you just made that A LOT worse Eddie.

Then they did a quick Blame Game Package with everyone dissing other people’s dishes. Andy got a ton of emails wondering why Amanda (Pilly) cooked with sherry at the kids challenge. Pilly actually said she didn’t have an explanation and “…you do weird things on the show that you wouldn’t normally do…” Hmm, like wear all that gd foundation?
Tom Colicchio: “Who were you cooking for!? (Daddy mad!)
Pilly: “Kids,” (trying to deflect) “and they were very loud that day.”
Padma: “It must have been all that sherry they were high on.”
Yeah, baby!
(I like seeing Padma like this. A little juiced, season done, cheddar in the bank and absolutely nothing to lose by being frank as f*ck.)

Andy said Arnie and 51 (51 Years Old!) didn’t really like each other on the day the were both eliminated. Arnie lied and said they got along fine and then they showed the package that told a different story. Rippert reminded everyone that Arnie’s pasta was raw that day. Arnold: “Let’s bring that back up.”
Whoa! Guess who WON’T be getting a spin off series?

Then Andy asked Bad Perm about seeing Guest Judge Michelle Bernstein.
Bad Perm: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
After the package she said she was uncomfortable and she thought everyone who watched was well aware.
Andy asked if she thought Michelle was able to be impartial. Bad Perm said she didn’t want to talk about it but people had an opinion of it and she was inclined to go with their opinion. Stoking the flames, yo!
Tom and Padma said Michelle was just as uncomfortable and went out of her way to be impartial.
Padma: maybe you guys shared a bf or something…”
(See what I’m saying about Ol’ Girl?)
Bad Perm: “I’ll tell you what it was…
…a long time ago…
Michelle stole my pea purée…” OOOOOOOOOOooooooHHHHhhh!!
Everyone clapped and laughed. Including me. And my neighbors! Oh, that’s not clapping…
The Villain: “Now you know what happened to it, Ed.”
Ass!
Andy (this is what I love about him) asked point blank if The Villan stole the purée, it was the number one question from all the viewers. (Not The Reality Poolers! We know a thief when we see one.)
They showed the package before they let him answer. After it, Ed surprised Andy and everyone else by taking off his ugly button down shirt revealing a black t-shirt (the same one from Singapore?) with green writing on it that read: Where’s my pea purée?!?! Peagate Scandal 2010 Top Chef.
(Hey I’m all for making a little extra money but that t-shirt is poorly designed, Dood.)
The Villain: “Where’d you get that shirt and where’s mine?”
Colicchio said it would be in wardrobe later and he could steal it! HI-OOOOOOO!
The Villain: “We’ve had a lot of fun with this pea purée thing, you know, people ask me, they come into the restaurant. As far as me stealing something” (hand chopping the air for emphasis) “I would never steal anything. I made that pea purée.”
Andy Cohen: “When did you make it?”
Villain: “As soon as I got to the restaurant.”
Pilly: “He made it right next to me, like the first thing he did was get a blender out and blend peas.” (Really, puff-face? Why didn’t you say this before?)
Andy Cohen: “So you saw him making the pea purée?”
Tiffany made the gas face and rolled her eyes to high heaven. She said she had no idea The Villain made it and at no time did he say Hey Ed, I made my own. She said he looked totally guilty. The Villain said he didn’t think he was being accused of theft.
(You think so now, Egghead?)
Ed was asked point blank if he thought The Villain stole it. Ed said half of him says yes, half of him says no.
Colicchio: “After hearing Amanda say she saw him make it?”
Ed: “It doesn’t mean anything.”
Woo hoooo!
Pilly “Insane!” (Yes, you are.)
They all argued, Kenny Q Sign jumped in and said the night before The Villain didn’t have an idea of a dish he wanted to do.
Colicchio: “Who bought the peas? You bought the peas?”
Our Star said The Villain definitely bought peas because they weren’t any good. (So this MF bought bad peas? That’s just more fuel for him stealing them then.)
Colicchio: So you turned starchy peas into a winning dish?
The Villain: (smiling) “Thank you.”
Pilly said there’s probably footage of it, It’s just not in because…
Colicchio: “No, there’s not.”
Tom said he asked for footage of it and Bravo looked through hours of it and couldn’t find it.
Pilly: “Really?”
The bump on her lip told her to shut up before she was implicated any further.
Colicchio: “Gotta tell ya, if it was on camera that you made pea purée and you did not and you stole it? Guaranteed it woulda been shown.”
Padma: “And you’d have been gone for breaking the rules.”
Lay it down, Lady!
Andy: “Conversely, if it was on camera that he was sitting there MAKING pea purée, blending it, that would have been shown as well.”
YEAH ANDY!
The Villain: “I don’t know if that’s true, I think that this is good television…”
Colicchio: “No.”
(Nice try, Dick!)
Andy: “You know what, with all due respect it would have been shown.”
Colicchio said if there was footage of The Villain making it, it would have made Ed look really bad.
Tiffany continued to shake her head. Andy and Company tried to lighten the moment by asking if The Villain bought the ‘hooker or the eightball’ (referencing what he would do with the Quickfire cash if he won) after he was eliminated. Nice way to lighten it up. We know the dilly. The Villain remains villainous!

Then it was time for…Timothy’s Package?
Apparently Tim’s nickname was Teddy (given to him by Kenny Q Sign, as in Teddy Pendergrass, RIP TP.) Tim sang the SHAFT theme song and walked around with no shirt on revealing his icky barrel chest.
Time: “I’d love to drizzle some chocolate on Padma…to see her in person that makes me want to drizzle chocolate on her even more.” WHOA.
Tim said he liked to perform in front of the ladies. Then they showed him in the Stew Room, Tim: “Let’s pretend like we’re in a strip club. Get on the pole.”
Tiffany made a gas face.
Tim: “9 times outta 10, half way through the meal, before dessert the Ladies usually end up nude. And dessert is not on a dish.” HEY I do not think your wife up in heaven likes this kinda talk.

The Kenny Q Sign vs. Dusty Vidjoe package was everyone saying how cocky they both were and one quote we never heard before.
Dusty: “It’s a greater risk for me to be here than for you guys to have me on the show?”
HUH? What does that even mean? The Double Rainbow Guy is confused about that too. Meanwhile Kenny Q Sign said over and over again that he was a Beast In The Kitchen.
(btw you could totally tell Dusty was a lot more tweaked in the beginning) Back on set, Dusty said: “I know what I now and I know what I don’t know.” (Someone’s syringe has been full.)
Colicchio said you have to have a certain amount of cockiness to lead your team which led to Andy revealing the t-shirt that Bravo made for Kenny Q Sign that read: Beast In The Kitchen.
Sweet!
Without missing a beat, the contestants urged Kenny to show his tattoo and Q Sign revealed a tattoo on his STOMACH that actually said “Beast Of The Kitchen.”
What is it with these people usurping Bravo’s t-shirt power?
But here’s the thing: Kenny’s Tattoo read Beast OF The Kitchen instead of “In” (which he himself had said all season, that’s just dumb) AND it was in three different fonts. Ugly fonts.

Then we got the glassy-eyed Stephen package with all the horrible things that were said about his food.
Gail: “it looked sorta sloppy.”
Padma: “…it’s very 80s to me.”
Colicchio: “…he’s like the kid in school that’s always in the principal’s office.”
On set, Glass-Eyes agreed with them, he said cooks through trial and error and Colicchio said there are chefs that cook that way…but this competition is shooting from the hip. Then he shot Stephen in the chest.

After the Stew Room Package where we saw they played hockey while wearing boxes, had made playing cards outta cardboard (you can’t give these doods a deck of cards?) and giant dice out of boxes; John (Male Carla Cosby) was asked if he were to do it again would he make his own pastry.
Male Carla Cosby nervously answered he wouldn’t do it that way and that his restaurant had become very popular again. (Again?)
Colicchio: “How are dessert sales?” MCC said they were sales were up because he wasn’t doing them. Nice.

Colicchio semi-apologized to Tracey by saying he had hoped his comment about her dish being insulting to Italians had been edited out. Of course it wasn’t, Come on! Someone asked Gail how it was being a host on TC versus TC Desserts- umm…that’s a plant. Not even going there. The Judges Vidjoe Package was just-meh. Then a horrible segment aired called-‘What would their baby look like’- ugh, Andy. I get why you did it but the combos were creepy.

They were asked about DC and the people they cooked for. Pilly said Nancy Pelosi was her favorite. Our Star said Buzz Aldrin was her favorite and she was star struck. I think we all know Buzz was struck too. He’s still waiting for that landing.
Question for Dusty: Are you as arrogant in your everyday life as you are in the show?
Wow.
Dusty: “Wow.” He said he thought he was humble. Even after watching the whole season? I dunno…

Then another Dusty Package!
Apparently he talked to himself constantly and everyone knew he was manipulative (big surprise). To Camera: “I’m not necessarily the dog that humps every leg, I take a look at which leg I want to hump.”
No comment.
Our Star said he would make a great spy because he’s really good at getting close to people. Someone from TX wrote in that Dusty “led Tamesha on to fail” Tamesha disagreed. Dusty said why not help people. More than 10 chefs said they thought he was genuine in helping. Tiffany said she wasn’t sure at first but she was now that he wasn’t trying to cause any harm.

Andy said 3-4 practical jokes going on a day. The Villain wrapped every piece of Dusty’s clothing in plastic wrap. Then Dusty took all of The Villain’s knives and put them in a pot in the freezer. Then Dusty took all of his belongings, put them on the bed and then plastic wrapped the whole thing. Dusty was voted as the biggest prankster and The Villain the biggest target.

Andy asked who could name all seven Top Chef winners in order. Kevin was the only one who volunteered. If he did it, every chef would get all five Top Chef Quickfire wines. WAIT-Top Chef Quickfire Wines?!? Now they have wines?! Pretty sneaky, Sis. Kevin did it easily, more presents for everyone!

Then they revealed the Top Chef All Stars:
From Season One: Stephen, the chef/Sommelier, with the giant tie and Tiffani, the Battleaxe!
From Season Two: Elia and Marcel (he’s back?!)
From Season Three: Dale, Casey and Trey (I really thought he coulda won it)
From Season Four: Richard Blaze/Dale (remember when he hit the lockers?)/ Antonio and Spike With the hat
From Season Five: Fabio FABIO! (If I could just talk to Fabio for a minute here. Fabio, darling, I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry your other Bravo show never happened but maybe it still can after this. I’ll be watching, my love.) Carla Cosby! and Jamie with the doll hair!
From Season Six: Jennifer (she was my pick!) and Mike Isabella (ew, Slimer Mouth. Annoying)
And from Season Seven, TC DC…
Dusty and Tiffany!!!!
Tiffany was ready for a second chance and wasn’t scared of anyone. Dusty said Richard would be his main competition. Interesting... Personally, I can’t wait to see how they both react to the Battleaxe that is Tiffani, the braggard that is Marcel and the violent Dale!

The Judges said most of the chefs were in the finale or could have been in it. Rippert is rooting for Jennifer because she works for him in Philadelphia. Trey was the biggest upset with the exception of Kenny (why didn’t they throw Kenny Q Sign a bone?!) Bummer.

Well that’s it, Friends. Thank you again for another great season. The Next Iron Chef is the Next Pool. Details arriving soon!

UPDATE: I’ve read that the Top Chef Fan Favorite was…
Tiffany!
(Second runner up: Angelo!)
YAY DIMPLES! I gotta get me some of them…

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