Okay, before we set this off what are people thinking about for the next Reality Pool? Seriously?
The Apprentice anyone? The regular Apprentice?
Celebrity Apprentice? (Though I’ve heard Jenna and Matt say 'Nay' because they hate The Donald. Who doesn't? Ignore The Donald like I do.) But that could be fun, right?. Again I’d like to get a big ass pool going so what say you?! Hit me with your input!
This week’s episode began with Ed from Boston. He “woke up” wearing black socks and Tiffany’s yellow dress.
A yellow gown.
“Eddie” as Tiffany calls him was just joking around and everyone laughed (except Tiffany’s fiancé who would never be able to see Tiffany when she wore that dress again. Oh and maybe her dry cleaner who may need to re-sew the top and get the ass crack stink out.)
This made me think of 3 things-
#1-Tiffany is a big and tall girl. I mean, dayum, Eddie is wearing her dress and it fits!
#2-Eddie is pretty open about wearing a dress on national cable TV. I guess when you have eyebrows that thick and you’re full of manly chest hair it’s all good. (I don’t even want to think about the downstairs area.) No disguising it, that man’s a that man, baby.
And #3-Everyone’s just having a good time because, hey, Alex The Villain is , the fucker! Man I watched the end of last week’s ep again just to see him leave again.
Dusthead (Angelo) was sad as she tied his cheap sneakers. Being in the bottom three last ep “pierced” his heart.
Hmm, liiiiiiiiike a needle?
Then he made an interesting admission: apparently he used to cut out pictures of chefs when he was little and light candles and pray to them. I kept waiting for him to say he would then shred them and use the cover of Gourmet Magazine to roll them into giant joints.
Pilly (Amanda) thought it was funny that Dusthead read Tony Robbins’ books and would chant and say things like “You’re a winner. You’re going to win.” She laughed hysterically. Then the mole on her lip tried to jump off her upper jib and commit suicide but her pancake foundation reined it in. Saved!
When the chefs entered the TC kitchen Padma avec des Monticules (in a simple strapless olive colored dress that MUST have had some sort of titanium bra built into it) was standing next too- HEY Rick Moonen!
Rick Moonen is here everyone! Top Chef Masters alumnus and owner of RM Seafood in Vegas. Rick is as adorable as all get out. I like him because he has the niceness of TC Master Tim Bayless with the wit of TC Master Ludo Lefebvre –two great tastes that taste great together!
The Quickfire Challenge
Monticules: “Only six of you remain to fight it out for the title of Top Chef. Top dog. Top banana. The big cheese. We don’t want someone who’s just a flash in the pan. Do you see a trend here?”
Ahhh, a trend towards using drugs and sprouting nonsense, Monty? Maybe it was the baby. You know, sometimes when you have a baby it sucks the smarts right outta your head for a bit.
Then Monty said this challenge was all about idioms and pointed to a table of food idioms. Cornnnnnny! (Pilly acted like she knew what an idiom was and shook her dirty head affirmatively.)
Monty said they each had to choose one idiom to inspire their dish and the winning one would go into the reportoire of Schwan’s the largest frozen food delivery provider. Que the diabetes and the overweightedness! Soon we will hire people to put the food in our mouths for us so we won’t have to lift utensils with our fat ass hands!
After a knife pull they didn’t show us (which made sense because the picking order itself is uneventful but is still a little weird cause, hey, what Else aren’t they showing us?) the picks were:
Kevin – bring home the bacon, Pilly – the big cheese, Indie Film Star Kelly – sour grapes, Ed from Boston – hot potato, Tiffany – spill the beans, Dusty - bigger fish to fry.
Time Starts Now!
Pilly was going for a mac and cheese because it’s all that she ate when she was 15 and she’s lazy and tired. Then she ran around looking for…paper towels? Huh?
Ed from Boston said Pilly was annoying, a slob, had no technique and had been lucky; but Dusty said that Pilly was a dark horse, very smart and "sneaks by everyone."
The way he sneaks into his fellow contestant’s suitcases at night looking for prescription meds.
Meanwhile, Tiffany used canned beans for her ‘spill the beans’ inspired dish since dried beans take a long time to cook.
Tellll me about it! This one time? At bean cooking camp? I had these green lentils that I soaked for four days. FOUR DAYS (them MFs started to sprout!) and then I cooked them for eight hours and they were STILL like tiny kidney stones. Jenna knows all about this. Hi Jenna! Hey Jenna’s in Hawaii right now! She’s having sushi and watching volcanoes make new earth, that lucky duck! Anyhoo, the lentils remained tiny tooth enamel crackers and my Pal Risa was so horrified she sent me a Mark Bittman cookbook in the mail! Since then I’ve used Q’s husbands’ bean soaking technique, but just to be safe I’ve stayed away from the green lentils altogether...)
Indie Film Star Kelly worked on a chicken breast and grape purée. She seemed to be the most organized and thought everyone else wasn’t as they showed Dusty and Ed from Boston running around. Pilly said Angelo was trying to come back from a particularly embarrassing judge’s table and laughed at him. Yeah, hmm, who else was in the bottom three last week, let’s see, there was The Villain (who you may recall that Pilly said she admired) and, um…PILLY! What an ass this chick is!
Dusty talked to himself the whole time and Kevin watched as he made bacon three different ways. He said eccentric people cooked eccentrically.
That’s so nice of him to use that word. When I was in high school I hung out with a girl who was “eccentric” –that crackhead is currently a prostitute in NYC- real talk.
THEN Pilly started spewing smack about Ed from Boston!
“All you see is this red face puff out and like this crazy look in his eye.” She laughed and laughed. (I think someone found former contestant Glassy-Eyed Stephen’s stash of locally made potato vodka.)
Wait, the gravity defying Monticules is back! Utensils Down Hands Up!
Ed (hot potato) presented herb & roasted garlic gnocchi, spring vegetables and wild mushroom fricassee. Tiffany (spill the beans) -pan-seared cod over stewed beans, swiss chard, carrots and bacon. Rick asked how she got the beans to cook in one hour and she told them she used canned. “Interesting.” Will the dimples fill in today?
Kevin (bring home the bacon) –showed off bacon three ways- purée, chopped and a bacon froth with a poached egg. Rick said there was something aromatic and as Kevin described the spices, Dusty said there was no way Kevin’s dish could be frozen. “He didn’t take into the consideration the guildelines of the challenge.”
Indie Film Star Kelly laid out her pan-roasted chicken breast, caramelized Brussels sprouts leaves and red grape sauce. “Interesting.”
Dusty (bigger fish to fry) -chile-crusted tilapia satay with Asian tartar sauce, sambal (a chile-based sauce) & sriracha. Dusty discussed a technique he used where you cut the fish and fry it in glutenous rice. "But we didn't have glutenous rice so blahblahblah-" What?
He talked faster and faster and finally stopped in time to see Rick nod and walk away.
Then Pilly (the big cheese) showed off her macaroni and cheese with bacon and jalapenos and pork chop side. The pork chop was sort of resting on the mini Le Creuset pot like an oaf with his feet on the table. Rick: “So you kept it nice and light.” Ha! You smirky Little Ricky Moonen.
Pilly: “With mac and cheese I figured either go big or go home.”
God, go home. Please. Go your ass on home. You’re the last one left that no one in the Reality Pool picked. I know you’re not going to win because you’re a hackwhore but just having you around igs the eff outta me!
Little Ricky’s least faves?
Indie Film Star Kelly!The brussel sprouts and the grape purée didn’t sing and…
Pilly! Ricky said it was kind of like “a sledge hammer to the gut,” too heavy handed.
Of course she disagreed and held a pity party in her head (at which she made more horrible food.)
Kevin?! Wow. “You brought it to a new level of lightness and balance.” He said he wanted to pick it up and lick the plate clean.
He also liked Ed’s dish, the gnocchi was light and everything was thought out.
Monticules: “Which dish would make the best frozen meal?”
Ed from Boston!
Dusty said he could see Ed’s face on the packages because he looked like a potato. STARCH SLAM!
The chefs had to serve high-end concession stand food at The Washington DC Nationals pre-game. Dusty said he loves baseball. He’s half Dominican— (whaa- something else we didn’t know-) so baseball was “in his blood.” Along with speedballs.
Then Monty dropped a bomb: they had to work as 1 team and make 6 dishes.
15 Minutes To Plan starts now!
Indie Film Star Kelly began to talk and take charge. Maybe a little too much…
Tiffany: “Ooooh, buddy.”
Pilly said she was thinking something cold with crab and Our Star said she was thinking of doing crab cakes so could Pilly make something else? (That girl’s got spunk!) Of course Pilly caved. Idiot!
They had 30 minutes to shop and $2,000 and then three hours to prep. Dusty’s pork needed a minimum 2.5 hours to braise. Tiffany began to make Italian meatballs. Meanwhile Pilly decided make a tuna tartare.
Yes, Pilly wanted to serve raw seafood at a baseball stadium.
And she was preparing it that night.
Pilly asked Dusty if you could put tuna in a meat grinder.
Both Kevin and Ed from Boston thought it was a bad idea to trust him. Meanwhile Ed worked on making 550 shrimp an corn poppers (3 poppers for each 150 people.) Dusty called Ed from Boston the Tasmanian Devil and said he was out of control. Really? Cause no one runs around and kicks up more dust than Dusty!
That night in the TC DC house, everyone wondered how the kitchen at the concession stand would work. Would someone have to take orders?
Our Star said she couldn’t do it because her crab cakes were cooked to order. Dusty called her “methodical and strategical.” (I think this Mfs grammar is getting worse and worse as he goes through withdrawal.) Then he said he would take orders.
As soon as they arrived at the ballpark Dusty realized he couldn’t cook his dish and take orders. He asked how he would do it- no one answered. Then he tried to give each chef a guest check (meaning they were each going to take orders.)
Kevin: “We’re not doing it that way, that’s not gonna work!”
Dusty: “Are you joking, Kevin?”
Kevin: “It’s not gonna work that way, there’s no way we can all do six orders and put food up!”
To Camera Kevin said there’s a system whether it’s fine dining or McDonald’s and they should have figured out a better way.
Dusty asked Kevin to chill out. Kevin said he didn’t have to and swore at him.
Dusty: “You’re the bad boy on the show now.”
Kevin said Dusty shouldn’t have volunteered.
As they all cooked, Dusty said he would take the orders if someone could do his dish. Ed volunteered but then Dusty was concerned because he said Ed’s problem was that he took on too much. (Huh?) Dusty began to cook and wanted to show Ed the “proportionings”
Ed: I changed my mind. I don’t wanna do it anymore.”
Then Ed said he was joking.
(No, he did not have on Tiffany’s dress under his chef whites.)
Suddenly Colicchio appeared with three Washington Nationals players who would be tasting their food. There’s really no need for me to tell you who those players were because with the exception of star pitcher Stephen Strasburg (who is on the DL and getting an MRI this week), the Nationals (currently 53-74) are a crap team and 20 games out of the running for the NL East. Oh snap you didn't know I could report for ESPN, did you? BLAM!
Suddenly, Our Star figured out that her bacon was too big and might be too salty. Hang in there Indie Film Star! This is a foodie movie. Think of it as an indie version of JULIE AND JULIA where you get to bang Stanley Tucci AND that other guy who always plays the ‘boyfriend.’
Pilly worked on her tartare annnnnd- it was not red. Literally, before the Camera’s Eyes, it began to oxidize and turn gray like some salmonella magic trick.
Dusty said he could have helped her, -had her put some oil on it to keep it from turning gray- but he was looking out for himself…
OXIDIZED AND BURNED!
Meanwhile Kevin asked Tiffany to taste his dish. Tiffany said she’s very honest,
“not like Angelow” with the emphasis on LOW.
Tiffany: “I’m sorry, nobody’s going home cause of me.”
(She’s something else, Tiffany and her Dimples.)
Everyone raced around cooking and tasting like crazy as people started to enter the stadium. Ed wondered out loud if Dusty needed all the buns he had put in a cabinet that were taking up room. Dusty said he didn’t expect Ed to be there. Ed: “Well I can go home, you want me to go home?”
Daaaaaaamn, tensions are running high, yo!
Kevin: “It’s about to get ugly boys and girls.”
Ed: “It got ugly the first day you walked into this place.”
Whoa- now I dunno if Ed meant “we” instead of “you” or the “you” as “all of us.” He must have meant all of them. Right?
In moments there was a long ass line. Dusty took the first order. All anyone wanted were meatballs and crab cakes!
Tiffany felt good that she was among the popular choice and Our Star said it showed that the concept was appropriate for where they were.
Then the nameless Nationals players arrived. They asked for one serving of each.
(Um, I dunno if I’d be eating gray tuna just before a game but then again they are 20 games back.) The meatball was a clear favorite.
Dusty told Our Star and then everyone else to save food for the judges as Monty (wearing a Nationals jersey), Rippert (what is this base-baul? (that’s me saying that, not him)) and Little Ricky and Colicchio lined up.
Kelly’s open-faced crab cake BLT with sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay Seasoning (Yum!) was loved by Little Ricky but Monty thought it was too salty. Colicchio said if the goal was to get people to drink more beer it worked. Dayum.
Tiffany’s an Italian meatball sub with fennel, basil pesto and fresh mozzarella was liked by Little Ricky but Rippert said it was a bit difficult to eat. Little Ricky said he had to get over it.
Pilly’s yellowfin tuna tartare with fennel, Meyer lemon and fava bean purée should be judged “first and foremost on the taste,” according to Pilly.
Little Ricky said raw fish at a baseball stadium took some baseballs to serve.
Rippert said he didn’t want to eat gray tuna. Colicchio said Pilly did a nice job with the vegetables. (Reaching for straws, Colicchio? Did she give you a hand job with that fish?)
In the kitchen, Ed and Dusty began to get along great. They actually joked around with one another. Dusty said Kevin’s perspective needed to be more optimistic and positive.
Angelo’s sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll with sweet sesame pickles had way too much bread according to Rippert. Rick said the bread killed the finish of the dish.
Kevin’s chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, shoestring fries (like six thin ass fries) on top and smoked paprika aioli didn’t get a lot of requests from the fans but the chicken was good according to Rippert, he just didn’t like the fries. Some fans said with all the choices why would you order chicken?
Ed’s shrimp and corn risotto fritters with jalapeno aioli? Ricky loved the texture and Colicchio thought the corn was good.
As they cleaned up, Kevin had mixed emotions. Colicchio thought they must have worked together as a team to pull off what they did.
In the bump, they showed Dusty on the phone with his fiancé in Russia. They have only seen each other “a couple of times” but they talk every night for 5-6 hours. (Drugs bills AND phone bills?!) He said he asked her to marry him when they were in France.
On the floor.
Sharing a syringe.
Next to a dead baby.
In the Stew Room, Indie Film Star Kelly said after all this time she still felt sick to her stomach waiting and asked Tiffany who, um- Tiffany is rockin Madras shorts now? -who seemed to be laughing about something else but agreed. I think Our Star felt like she won it...
Then Monty (in a gorgeous blouse with a plunging neckline that would have made any newborn drool) said they wanted to see EVERYONE at Judge’s table.
Let the fireworks begin!
Monty asked Dusty how he ended up taking the orders. Dusty said they discussed that someone should help take the lead and because he had a sandwich shop he would be more than happy to do it.
Tiffany: “No, I’m sorry. The way it happened wasn’t quite like that.”
Heeeeeere we go!
She explained the part when Dusty said, everyone do their own.
Dusty: “There was an incident that occurred that made me say that.”
Tiffany said- Right, her lips curled. Then he tried to talk over her. He apologized and told her to go, she let him speak.
Then Kevin jumped in and said Dusty volunteered to do it but was then concerned about making his own dish.
Colicchio: “Let’s move on.”
Really? But we’re all on the bus to cattyville. Let them continue, why don’tya?
THEN they just blurted it out- The food they enjoyed the most:
Ed! Terrific job, center of the risotto ball stayed creamy, easy to eat. His was a tidy dish.
Tiffany’s dish was not tidy, according to Colicchio, but it was also delicious. Tiffany said when she eats a hamburger “if some juice not coming out I’m not really enjoying it.” (sic)
THEN- WAIT- THAT’S IT?
They didn’t mention Indie Film Star Kelly’s crab cakes AT ALL!
Little Ricky named Ed the winner!
He received a copy of Little Ricky’s cookbook and a TRIP TO AUSTRALIA including airfare!!!
Tiffany and Ed went back to the Stew Room and Monticules told the remaining chefs their dishes were not as successful.
Indie Film Star Kelly’s wasn’t?! Really? (I’m not saying that cause she was my pick, I’m just saying- all the fans seemed to like the crab…I guess maybe it was too salty…?)
They started with Pilly.
Rippert gave her a fish lesson on how air oxides fish and the flesh becomes black giving the impression that the fish is bad. Pilly said if she had been doing it in a restaurant (oooh, right, that’s the problem) she would have done it that day. Rippert looked skeptical. Colicchio asked her competitors if they would have done tartare the day before or the day of- Dusty seemed to nod for the day of. Pilly stared at him, slack jawed. Kevin said he wouldn’t have done tartare and he wouldn’t have done it the day before. Ouch.
Pilly said she was afraid of being in the weeds. Colicchio said we’re all afraid of that. Then he stepped from behind the table, picked her up and threw her in the weeds.
Kevin’s dish “didn’t come across” the chicken was shorter than the skewer and the fries became soggy. Kevin said he concentrated too much on trying to get everything in one bite.
Our Star looked like she was going to cry. Little Ricky said she needed the crunch of lettuce or tomato for texture. Rippert said maybe instead of the big piece of bacon- slice it to make it less.
Dusty’s bread was too big. Period.
The pork was cooked well but everything the product needed was sucked up into the piece of bread. And Lord Knows I can’t stand me no soggy bread!
Colicchio: “You have a sandwich shop” (uh oh, that’s goin’ home talk) “you portion your bread to everything inside it, it’s so important.”
Then Monty jumped in: “There were two problems, there was the bread and there was the abundance of sugar.”
They asked what else was in there. He said Napa cabbage and Rippert said that was sweet too. They frowned at Dusty. Then Monty dismissed them like bad children.
In the Stew Room, Kevin asked Dusty the deal. “I had soggy bread.”
Kevin: “Had you put it on a baguette I don’t know if you’d be able to eat it.” Oh look, someone wants to be friends now…
The Judges said Kevin had too much going on- a romesco and an aioli. Rippert said the skewer was too long. I guess a few Nationals fans almost impaled themselves. (Not like they regularly do because the Nationals suck.)
Rippert was offended by the color of Pilly’s product. Colicchio seemed to defend her (WHUT?!) he liked the vegetables.
Colicchio, do not make me hunt you down as I would have to hunt down all MY contestants down and return their money cause you’re suddenly soft for Pilly and want her to win. Jesus.
Dusty’s bread was (according to Rippert) was "like a sponge and drank all the juice right away and it became like a softball." Annnd, that’s the extent of Rippert’s American Basebaul Knowledge.
In the Stew Room, Dusty to Kevin: Can you go home for soggy bread? Kevin: I don’t think so.
Awwww, Kevin really wants to be a pal now. New “In The Bottom Pals” (Hasbro Presents…! Keep them In The Bottom of your drawer. Just not on top!)
Colicchio said he liked the crab cake but calling Our Star’s dish a BLT was misleading. The lettuce wasn’t good and the bacon was salty. (But everyone ate it. Oh well, I guess people eat Cheeto’s too, right? I did. I never snorted the powder like Dusty but hey…)
When they were called back into the Judge’s Table…
PILLY was asked to pack her knives and go!
She thanked the judges, hugged Kevin and Dusty (not Our Star!)
Then in the Stew Room, she said thanks and went to hug Tiffany but Our Star was in the way so they hugged instead!
She said leaving Top Chef was the hardest thing she had ever done.
Hmmm, harder than the mole on your upper lip that is probably an alcoholic because you kinda drink a lot and definitely a cutter because it hates you so much, though, ironically it can’t cut itself off your lip?
We’re still in it to win it…
TOP CHEF DC POOL
LB Ed Cotton
STRIPES Kevin Sbraga
GBAG Kelly Liken
LUCY Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken
COLANTO Kelly Liken
KAT BAKER Tiffany Derry
CC Kevin Sbraga and Angelo Sosa
HOLLY Angelo Sosa
BROWNIE Kelly Liken
JENNA Ed Cotton
Q Kevin Sbraga
JET LI Kelly Liken
MY MAMA Kelly Liken
ME Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken