Thursday, August 26, 2010

"You're the bad boy on the show now."

Okay, before we set this off what are people thinking about for the next Reality Pool? Seriously?
The Apprentice anyone? The regular Apprentice?
Celebrity Apprentice? (Though I’ve heard Jenna and Matt say 'Nay' because they hate The Donald. Who doesn't? Ignore The Donald like I do.) But that could be fun, right?. Again I’d like to get a big ass pool going so what say you?! Hit me with your input!

This week’s episode began with Ed from Boston. He “woke up” wearing black socks and Tiffany’s yellow dress.
A yellow gown.
“Eddie” as Tiffany calls him was just joking around and everyone laughed (except Tiffany’s fiancé who would never be able to see Tiffany when she wore that dress again. Oh and maybe her dry cleaner who may need to re-sew the top and get the ass crack stink out.)
This made me think of 3 things-
#1-Tiffany is a big and tall girl. I mean, dayum, Eddie is wearing her dress and it fits!
#2-Eddie is pretty open about wearing a dress on national cable TV. I guess when you have eyebrows that thick and you’re full of manly chest hair it’s all good. (I don’t even want to think about the downstairs area.) No disguising it, that man’s a that man, baby.
And #3-Everyone’s just having a good time because, hey, Alex The Villain is , the fucker! Man I watched the end of last week’s ep again just to see him leave again.

Dusthead (Angelo) was sad as she tied his cheap sneakers. Being in the bottom three last ep “pierced” his heart.
Hmm, liiiiiiiiike a needle?
Then he made an interesting admission: apparently he used to cut out pictures of chefs when he was little and light candles and pray to them. I kept waiting for him to say he would then shred them and use the cover of Gourmet Magazine to roll them into giant joints.

Pilly (Amanda) thought it was funny that Dusthead read Tony Robbins’ books and would chant and say things like “You’re a winner. You’re going to win.” She laughed hysterically. Then the mole on her lip tried to jump off her upper jib and commit suicide but her pancake foundation reined it in. Saved!

When the chefs entered the TC kitchen Padma avec des Monticules (in a simple strapless olive colored dress that MUST have had some sort of titanium bra built into it) was standing next too- HEY Rick Moonen!
Rick Moonen is here everyone! Top Chef Masters alumnus and owner of RM Seafood in Vegas. Rick is as adorable as all get out. I like him because he has the niceness of TC Master Tim Bayless with the wit of TC Master Ludo Lefebvre –two great tastes that taste great together!

The Quickfire Challenge
Monticules: “Only six of you remain to fight it out for the title of Top Chef. Top dog. Top banana. The big cheese. We don’t want someone who’s just a flash in the pan. Do you see a trend here?”
Ahhh, a trend towards using drugs and sprouting nonsense, Monty? Maybe it was the baby. You know, sometimes when you have a baby it sucks the smarts right outta your head for a bit.
Then Monty said this challenge was all about idioms and pointed to a table of food idioms. Cornnnnnny! (Pilly acted like she knew what an idiom was and shook her dirty head affirmatively.)
Monty said they each had to choose one idiom to inspire their dish and the winning one would go into the reportoire of Schwan’s the largest frozen food delivery provider. Que the diabetes and the overweightedness! Soon we will hire people to put the food in our mouths for us so we won’t have to lift utensils with our fat ass hands!
After a knife pull they didn’t show us (which made sense because the picking order itself is uneventful but is still a little weird cause, hey, what Else aren’t they showing us?) the picks were:

Kevin – bring home the bacon, Pilly – the big cheese, Indie Film Star Kelly – sour grapes, Ed from Boston – hot potato, Tiffany – spill the beans, Dusty - bigger fish to fry.
Time Starts Now!

Pilly was going for a mac and cheese because it’s all that she ate when she was 15 and she’s lazy and tired. Then she ran around looking for…paper towels? Huh?
Ed from Boston said Pilly was annoying, a slob, had no technique and had been lucky; but Dusty said that Pilly was a dark horse, very smart and "sneaks by everyone."
The way he sneaks into his fellow contestant’s suitcases at night looking for prescription meds.

Meanwhile, Tiffany used canned beans for her ‘spill the beans’ inspired dish since dried beans take a long time to cook.
Tellll me about it! This one time? At bean cooking camp? I had these green lentils that I soaked for four days. FOUR DAYS (them MFs started to sprout!) and then I cooked them for eight hours and they were STILL like tiny kidney stones. Jenna knows all about this. Hi Jenna! Hey Jenna’s in Hawaii right now! She’s having sushi and watching volcanoes make new earth, that lucky duck! Anyhoo, the lentils remained tiny tooth enamel crackers and my Pal Risa was so horrified she sent me a Mark Bittman cookbook in the mail! Since then I’ve used Q’s husbands’ bean soaking technique, but just to be safe I’ve stayed away from the green lentils altogether...)

Indie Film Star Kelly worked on a chicken breast and grape purée. She seemed to be the most organized and thought everyone else wasn’t as they showed Dusty and Ed from Boston running around. Pilly said Angelo was trying to come back from a particularly embarrassing judge’s table and laughed at him. Yeah, hmm, who else was in the bottom three last week, let’s see, there was The Villain (who you may recall that Pilly said she admired) and, um…PILLY! What an ass this chick is!
Dusty talked to himself the whole time and Kevin watched as he made bacon three different ways. He said eccentric people cooked eccentrically.
That’s so nice of him to use that word. When I was in high school I hung out with a girl who was “eccentric” –that crackhead is currently a prostitute in NYC- real talk.

THEN Pilly started spewing smack about Ed from Boston!
“All you see is this red face puff out and like this crazy look in his eye.” She laughed and laughed. (I think someone found former contestant Glassy-Eyed Stephen’s stash of locally made potato vodka.)

Wait, the gravity defying Monticules is back! Utensils Down Hands Up!
Ed (hot potato) presented herb & roasted garlic gnocchi, spring vegetables and wild mushroom fricassee. Tiffany (spill the beans) -pan-seared cod over stewed beans, swiss chard, carrots and bacon. Rick asked how she got the beans to cook in one hour and she told them she used canned. “Interesting.” Will the dimples fill in today?
Kevin (bring home the bacon) –showed off bacon three ways- purée, chopped and a bacon froth with a poached egg. Rick said there was something aromatic and as Kevin described the spices, Dusty said there was no way Kevin’s dish could be frozen. “He didn’t take into the consideration the guildelines of the challenge.”
Indie Film Star Kelly laid out her pan-roasted chicken breast, caramelized Brussels sprouts leaves and red grape sauce. “Interesting.”
Dusty (bigger fish to fry) -chile-crusted tilapia satay with Asian tartar sauce, sambal (a chile-based sauce) & sriracha. Dusty discussed a technique he used where you cut the fish and fry it in glutenous rice. "But we didn't have glutenous rice so blahblahblah-" What?
He talked faster and faster and finally stopped in time to see Rick nod and walk away.
Then Pilly (the big cheese) showed off her macaroni and cheese with bacon and jalapenos and pork chop side. The pork chop was sort of resting on the mini Le Creuset pot like an oaf with his feet on the table. Rick: “So you kept it nice and light.” Ha! You smirky Little Ricky Moonen.
Pilly: “With mac and cheese I figured either go big or go home.”
God, go home. Please. Go your ass on home. You’re the last one left that no one in the Reality Pool picked. I know you’re not going to win because you’re a hackwhore but just having you around igs the eff outta me!

Little Ricky’s least faves?
Indie Film Star Kelly!The brussel sprouts and the grape purée didn’t sing and…
Pilly! Ricky said it was kind of like “a sledge hammer to the gut,” too heavy handed.
Of course she disagreed and held a pity party in her head (at which she made more horrible food.)

Rick’s favorites?
Kevin?! Wow. “You brought it to a new level of lightness and balance.” He said he wanted to pick it up and lick the plate clean.
He also liked Ed’s dish, the gnocchi was light and everything was thought out.
Monticules: “Which dish would make the best frozen meal?”
Ed from Boston!
Dusty said he could see Ed’s face on the packages because he looked like a potato. STARCH SLAM!

Elimination Challenge
The chefs had to serve high-end concession stand food at The Washington DC Nationals pre-game. Dusty said he loves baseball. He’s half Dominican— (whaa- something else we didn’t know-) so baseball was “in his blood.” Along with speedballs.
Then Monty dropped a bomb: they had to work as 1 team and make 6 dishes.

15 Minutes To Plan starts now!
Indie Film Star Kelly began to talk and take charge. Maybe a little too much…
Tiffany: “Ooooh, buddy.”
Pilly said she was thinking something cold with crab and Our Star said she was thinking of doing crab cakes so could Pilly make something else? (That girl’s got spunk!) Of course Pilly caved. Idiot!

They had 30 minutes to shop and $2,000 and then three hours to prep. Dusty’s pork needed a minimum 2.5 hours to braise. Tiffany began to make Italian meatballs. Meanwhile Pilly decided make a tuna tartare.
Yes, Pilly wanted to serve raw seafood at a baseball stadium.
And she was preparing it that night.
Pilly asked Dusty if you could put tuna in a meat grinder.
Both Kevin and Ed from Boston thought it was a bad idea to trust him. Meanwhile Ed worked on making 550 shrimp an corn poppers (3 poppers for each 150 people.) Dusty called Ed from Boston the Tasmanian Devil and said he was out of control. Really? Cause no one runs around and kicks up more dust than Dusty!

That night in the TC DC house, everyone wondered how the kitchen at the concession stand would work. Would someone have to take orders?
Our Star said she couldn’t do it because her crab cakes were cooked to order. Dusty called her “methodical and strategical.” (I think this Mfs grammar is getting worse and worse as he goes through withdrawal.) Then he said he would take orders.
Whut? Why?
As soon as they arrived at the ballpark Dusty realized he couldn’t cook his dish and take orders. He asked how he would do it- no one answered. Then he tried to give each chef a guest check (meaning they were each going to take orders.)
Kevin: “We’re not doing it that way, that’s not gonna work!”
Dusty: “Are you joking, Kevin?”
Kevin: “It’s not gonna work that way, there’s no way we can all do six orders and put food up!”
To Camera Kevin said there’s a system whether it’s fine dining or McDonald’s and they should have figured out a better way.
Dusty asked Kevin to chill out. Kevin said he didn’t have to and swore at him.
Dusty: “You’re the bad boy on the show now.”
Kevin said Dusty shouldn’t have volunteered.
As they all cooked, Dusty said he would take the orders if someone could do his dish. Ed volunteered but then Dusty was concerned because he said Ed’s problem was that he took on too much. (Huh?) Dusty began to cook and wanted to show Ed the “proportionings”
Ed: I changed my mind. I don’t wanna do it anymore.”


Then Ed said he was joking.
(No, he did not have on Tiffany’s dress under his chef whites.)

Suddenly Colicchio appeared with three Washington Nationals players who would be tasting their food. There’s really no need for me to tell you who those players were because with the exception of star pitcher Stephen Strasburg (who is on the DL and getting an MRI this week), the Nationals (currently 53-74) are a crap team and 20 games out of the running for the NL East. Oh snap you didn't know I could report for ESPN, did you? BLAM!

Suddenly, Our Star figured out that her bacon was too big and might be too salty. Hang in there Indie Film Star! This is a foodie movie. Think of it as an indie version of JULIE AND JULIA where you get to bang Stanley Tucci AND that other guy who always plays the ‘boyfriend.’

Pilly worked on her tartare annnnnd- it was not red. Literally, before the Camera’s Eyes, it began to oxidize and turn gray like some salmonella magic trick.
Dusty said he could have helped her, -had her put some oil on it to keep it from turning gray- but he was looking out for himself…

Meanwhile Kevin asked Tiffany to taste his dish. Tiffany said she’s very honest,
“not like Angelow” with the emphasis on LOW.
Tiffany: “I’m sorry, nobody’s going home cause of me.”
(She’s something else, Tiffany and her Dimples.)

Everyone raced around cooking and tasting like crazy as people started to enter the stadium. Ed wondered out loud if Dusty needed all the buns he had put in a cabinet that were taking up room. Dusty said he didn’t expect Ed to be there. Ed: “Well I can go home, you want me to go home?”
Daaaaaaamn, tensions are running high, yo!

Kevin: “It’s about to get ugly boys and girls.”
Ed: “It got ugly the first day you walked into this place.”
Whoa- now I dunno if Ed meant “we” instead of “you” or the “you” as “all of us.” He must have meant all of them. Right?
In moments there was a long ass line. Dusty took the first order. All anyone wanted were meatballs and crab cakes!
Tiffany felt good that she was among the popular choice and Our Star said it showed that the concept was appropriate for where they were.
Then the nameless Nationals players arrived. They asked for one serving of each.
(Um, I dunno if I’d be eating gray tuna just before a game but then again they are 20 games back.) The meatball was a clear favorite.

Dusty told Our Star and then everyone else to save food for the judges as Monty (wearing a Nationals jersey), Rippert (what is this base-baul? (that’s me saying that, not him)) and Little Ricky and Colicchio lined up.

Kelly’s open-faced crab cake BLT with sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay Seasoning (Yum!) was loved by Little Ricky but Monty thought it was too salty. Colicchio said if the goal was to get people to drink more beer it worked. Dayum.
Tiffany’s an Italian meatball sub with fennel, basil pesto and fresh mozzarella was liked by Little Ricky but Rippert said it was a bit difficult to eat. Little Ricky said he had to get over it.
Pilly’s yellowfin tuna tartare with fennel, Meyer lemon and fava bean purée should be judged “first and foremost on the taste,” according to Pilly.
Little Ricky said raw fish at a baseball stadium took some baseballs to serve.
Rippert said he didn’t want to eat gray tuna. Colicchio said Pilly did a nice job with the vegetables. (Reaching for straws, Colicchio? Did she give you a hand job with that fish?)

In the kitchen, Ed and Dusty began to get along great. They actually joked around with one another. Dusty said Kevin’s perspective needed to be more optimistic and positive.
Angelo’s sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll with sweet sesame pickles had way too much bread according to Rippert. Rick said the bread killed the finish of the dish.
Kevin’s chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, shoestring fries (like six thin ass fries) on top and smoked paprika aioli didn’t get a lot of requests from the fans but the chicken was good according to Rippert, he just didn’t like the fries. Some fans said with all the choices why would you order chicken?
Ed’s shrimp and corn risotto fritters with jalapeno aioli? Ricky loved the texture and Colicchio thought the corn was good.
As they cleaned up, Kevin had mixed emotions. Colicchio thought they must have worked together as a team to pull off what they did.

In the bump, they showed Dusty on the phone with his fiancé in Russia. They have only seen each other “a couple of times” but they talk every night for 5-6 hours. (Drugs bills AND phone bills?!) He said he asked her to marry him when they were in France.
On the floor.
Sharing a syringe.
Next to a dead baby.

In the Stew Room, Indie Film Star Kelly said after all this time she still felt sick to her stomach waiting and asked Tiffany who, um- Tiffany is rockin Madras shorts now? -who seemed to be laughing about something else but agreed. I think Our Star felt like she won it...
Then Monty (in a gorgeous blouse with a plunging neckline that would have made any newborn drool) said they wanted to see EVERYONE at Judge’s table.
Let the fireworks begin!

Monty asked Dusty how he ended up taking the orders. Dusty said they discussed that someone should help take the lead and because he had a sandwich shop he would be more than happy to do it.
Tiffany: “No, I’m sorry. The way it happened wasn’t quite like that.”
Heeeeeere we go!
She explained the part when Dusty said, everyone do their own.
Dusty: “There was an incident that occurred that made me say that.”
Tiffany said- Right, her lips curled. Then he tried to talk over her. He apologized and told her to go, she let him speak.
Then Kevin jumped in and said Dusty volunteered to do it but was then concerned about making his own dish.
Colicchio: “Let’s move on.”
Really? But we’re all on the bus to cattyville. Let them continue, why don’tya?

THEN they just blurted it out- The food they enjoyed the most:
Ed! Terrific job, center of the risotto ball stayed creamy, easy to eat. His was a tidy dish.
Tiffany’s dish was not tidy, according to Colicchio, but it was also delicious. Tiffany said when she eats a hamburger “if some juice not coming out I’m not really enjoying it.” (sic)

They didn’t mention Indie Film Star Kelly’s crab cakes AT ALL!

Little Ricky named Ed the winner!

He received a copy of Little Ricky’s cookbook and a TRIP TO AUSTRALIA including airfare!!!
Tiffany and Ed went back to the Stew Room and Monticules told the remaining chefs their dishes were not as successful.
Indie Film Star Kelly’s wasn’t?! Really? (I’m not saying that cause she was my pick, I’m just saying- all the fans seemed to like the crab…I guess maybe it was too salty…?)

They started with Pilly.
Rippert gave her a fish lesson on how air oxides fish and the flesh becomes black giving the impression that the fish is bad. Pilly said if she had been doing it in a restaurant (oooh, right, that’s the problem) she would have done it that day. Rippert looked skeptical. Colicchio asked her competitors if they would have done tartare the day before or the day of- Dusty seemed to nod for the day of. Pilly stared at him, slack jawed. Kevin said he wouldn’t have done tartare and he wouldn’t have done it the day before. Ouch.
Pilly said she was afraid of being in the weeds. Colicchio said we’re all afraid of that. Then he stepped from behind the table, picked her up and threw her in the weeds.

Kevin’s dish “didn’t come across” the chicken was shorter than the skewer and the fries became soggy. Kevin said he concentrated too much on trying to get everything in one bite.
Our Star looked like she was going to cry. Little Ricky said she needed the crunch of lettuce or tomato for texture. Rippert said maybe instead of the big piece of bacon- slice it to make it less.
Dusty’s bread was too big. Period.
The pork was cooked well but everything the product needed was sucked up into the piece of bread. And Lord Knows I can’t stand me no soggy bread!
Colicchio: “You have a sandwich shop” (uh oh, that’s goin’ home talk) “you portion your bread to everything inside it, it’s so important.”
Then Monty jumped in: “There were two problems, there was the bread and there was the abundance of sugar.”
They asked what else was in there. He said Napa cabbage and Rippert said that was sweet too. They frowned at Dusty. Then Monty dismissed them like bad children.

In the Stew Room, Kevin asked Dusty the deal. “I had soggy bread.”
Kevin: “Had you put it on a baguette I don’t know if you’d be able to eat it.” Oh look, someone wants to be friends now…

The Judges said Kevin had too much going on- a romesco and an aioli. Rippert said the skewer was too long. I guess a few Nationals fans almost impaled themselves. (Not like they regularly do because the Nationals suck.)
Rippert was offended by the color of Pilly’s product. Colicchio seemed to defend her (WHUT?!) he liked the vegetables.
Colicchio, do not make me hunt you down as I would have to hunt down all MY contestants down and return their money cause you’re suddenly soft for Pilly and want her to win. Jesus.
Dusty’s bread was (according to Rippert) was "like a sponge and drank all the juice right away and it became like a softball." Annnd, that’s the extent of Rippert’s American Basebaul Knowledge.

In the Stew Room, Dusty to Kevin: Can you go home for soggy bread? Kevin: I don’t think so.
Awwww, Kevin really wants to be a pal now. New “In The Bottom Pals” (Hasbro Presents…! Keep them In The Bottom of your drawer. Just not on top!)
Colicchio said he liked the crab cake but calling Our Star’s dish a BLT was misleading. The lettuce wasn’t good and the bacon was salty. (But everyone ate it. Oh well, I guess people eat Cheeto’s too, right? I did. I never snorted the powder like Dusty but hey…)

When they were called back into the Judge’s Table…

PILLY was asked to pack her knives and go!
She thanked the judges, hugged Kevin and Dusty (not Our Star!)
Then in the Stew Room, she said thanks and went to hug Tiffany but Our Star was in the way so they hugged instead!
She said leaving Top Chef was the hardest thing she had ever done.
Hmmm, harder than the mole on your upper lip that is probably an alcoholic because you kinda drink a lot and definitely a cutter because it hates you so much, though, ironically it can’t cut itself off your lip?

We’re still in it to win it…


LB Ed Cotton

STRIPES Kevin Sbraga

GBAG Kelly Liken

LUCY Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

COLANTO Kelly Liken

KAT BAKER Tiffany Derry

CC Kevin Sbraga and Angelo Sosa

HOLLY Angelo Sosa

BROWNIE Kelly Liken

JENNA Ed Cotton

Q Kevin Sbraga

JET LI Kelly Liken

MY MAMA Kelly Liken

ME Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"Does anyone have a can opener?"

Mistakes? I’ve made a few. But then again. Too few to mention.
Aww, I effed up so I’ll just mention it.

From CC:
What up with the latest pool standings??? Why did you take Kevin off of my list of picks??? I had Kevin since day one (see previous update). I knew this blog thing was a bad idea.

From Lucy (with less question marks):
Hi DeMane,
GREAT write-up, as always ;-)  
Just wanted to picks were Kevin and Kelly (just like yours!), but your latest post shows me only having Kelly left.  Would you mind adding Kevin back on?  (Although, lord knows I'm still VERY skeptical of him making it ;-)

I love that Lucy asks if I would mind adding Kevin back. She’s so sweet about my giant goof.
Again, my apologies.
In addition to the madness of trying to push that email out before I jetted for the weekend, I actually had a car waiting for me downstairs. (Fancy!)
Believe me they weren’t happy either. No, it wasn’t Colucci and LB, they’d would have waited patiently and texted after a bit. They know I’m always late and are supanice about it. Douglas would not be.
OH Hey! There was an email from Douglas too:
"Are we done calling me out in the blog now?"

Wouldja lookit that?! Douglas read the blob!
It brings a tear to the eye to know that Douglas had taken time out his busy schedule of Psych and Burn Notice to read a few words. Tears that quickly dried when I watched the clips from last week’s show. Then the teeth gnashing began.
Even though Kenny Q Sign wasn’t my pick, I believe he was asked to leave under a false premise. The Beastmaster is dead. And I can’t believe the TC Producers didn’t amend this egregious error: Alex (The Villain) did not really make his own food in the Restaurant Wars challenge.
Just so you know, I ran the numbers, Kenny WAS in the bottom three 4 times compared to Amanda’s (Pilly’s) 3 but still…!
Part of me wants to think that Kenny will be invited back as a (powerless but nonetheless) ‘judge’ before this season finishes. But that would be admitting wrongdoing, right?
Is the patented answer we heard from the NYTimes Critic Guest Judge all we’re gonna get until the reunion show? Which it would behoove TC to produce. And which I will DEFINITELY review if that occurs…kyp (that means Keep You Posted, Mama!)

When the contestants woke, The Villain did push ups. Using someone else’s arms! THIEF! Kevin thought Kenny Q Sign was more talented than The Villain.
The Villain (staring zombie-like): “Just to guess what Kevin was upset about, I think he was defending Kenny…it was tremendously frustrating because I think he was pathetic for his friends and for his team…he decided to vent on me.”
Just to GUESS what Kevin was upset about?? Yeah, he vented on you for no reason whatsoever. This Dood is maniacal. But I guess most villains are.
Kevin hoped he would either step up or go home and if he stepped up: “…bring on the challenge, I love it. But don’t get away with bullshit."
Good for you Kevin. Be ready for any challenge now because “the only person” you “trust” is gone. Time to sleep with your knives under your pillow…

Dusthead admitted Kenny was the strongest competition in the house and smirked at Pilly as she cleaned a giant coffee spill on the table in their little patio area. He also said he was ‘totally exhausted.’
Hmmm…a Reality TV Show Sign that he’s going home…?

The chefs entered the TC kitchen, Pause Moment! Is Tiffany wearing black shorts?
Black shorts that stop just above the knee?
In a kitchen?
I sense a burn and a keloid coming on.

The chefs were greeted by former molecular gastronomist and TC Masters contestant, Wiley Dusfrene, also know as The Little Dutch Boy (TLDB.)
Padma avec des Monticules, dressed in a navy inspired jacket, orange t-shirt and cargo pants from Target; smiled as the chefs looked over giant black boxes with questions mark on them. Mystery boxes. There’s a Lost joke in there somewheres but I’ve still only seen season one. (Colucci has been gracious enough to lend me 1-3. I know!
Don’t tell me the ending!)

The Quickfire Challenge
Each mystery box contained the same thing. (Bravo biting and twisting on The Food Network’s Chopped concept, huh, Brownie? Guess it’s payback for The Food Network doing the Restaurant Wars-like: 24 Hour Restaurant Battle.)
Then Monticules said MORE mystery boxes would arrive!
The chefs would have to start a dish and still be able to accommodate additional ingredients. And this is a high stakes challenge, the winner gets 10k!
Dusthead said he could use that money to (this is NOT a typo) bring his fiancé to the States. She’s in Russia.
Translation: Some transvestite in Omsk is being fed balloons of heroin and he can’t wait to shoot and snort the contents of her belly.

Time Starts Now!
They had 40 minutes to cook a fish, fava beans and a can of…the can has no label!
The Villain asked: "Does anyone have a can opener?" Pilly said Tiffany had one. The Villain asked, Tiffany didn’t have hers out yet and ignored him.
See this is what I don’t understand about The Villain, why would you think someone’s going to help you? (Also, there aren’t can openers in the TC kitchen?)
The Villain said he didn’t care, he wanted to cook his food and beat them. And yet, he asked for a can opener again.
Tiffany: “Alex dodged a lot of bullets and I wasn’t going to be the one to help him.”
She opened the can: hominy grits.
Dusthead looked frazzled and Kevin noticed. Dusty admitted for the first time that he didn’t have any vision (I think he meant ‘a vision’ because he wasn’t actually blind but that will probably happen in a future challenge. Cook with a blindfold - EMTs are standing by!)

Then as everyone ran around another mystery box arrived courtesy of a guy in a black suit with sunglasses, Men In Black-style. Kevin was the first to open it and find: squid and black garlic. Indie Film Star Kelly didn’t know anything about black garlic- she said it was smoky and a little sweet. (Sounds delicious!)

19 Minutes Left!
ANOTHER mystery box arrives: ramps (a wild onion) and passion fruit. Tiffany had never used a ramp and wasn’t sure if she was supposed to cook with the leaf or the stem.
Dusty began to talk to himself: “…should I do that?” Uh oh. Then ANOTHER mystery box arrives (this challenge is kinda dope!)
THEN Monticules: “You have ten minutes left!” Everyone was frantic.
Dusty: “This is the first time I think I sweated into the food.” That’s meth sweat!

The Villain made rockfish with fava bean purée (really? he should go home just for bastardizing purée all the time) and ramp fondue with sautéed squid.
The Little Dutch Boy asked Tiffany how she was doing. (It’s the dimples. Brownie has deep dimples like that. And we all know they’re always poppin’.)
Tiffany made a fish stew and the TLDB called her broth ‘very nice.’ Hmmm, so that’s what they’re calling it these days. Broth.
Indie Film Star Kelly made a Yucatecan Seafood stew with grilled ramps. (I think she gets an A just for saying Yucatecan.) TLDB said it was spicy.
Pilly made crispy skin striped bass, squid fricassee with leek and mushroom fondue. Kevin made pan-seared rockfish with hominy purée and jicama and passion fruit salad. The dish had heat from pepper flakes he used in the squid.
Ed did a rockfish sashimi with hominy-basil purée and grilled squid marinade that TLDB called excellent. Dusty presented a smoky hominy pot-au-feu (usually a dish of boiled meat and vegetables with the broth served separately), squid, rockfish tataki and passion fruit gel that looked a little bit like a wet white napkin on top of Manhattan clam chowder. Then the caveats (surprising coming from him): “I wanted to serve the dish cold but then the gel started to melt…” he said spat out, his forehead sweaty. Tiffany said she had never seen him that nervous. (You know, with the exception of when police sirens speed by the TC DC house and he drops plates.)

Least successful: The Villain (suckah)! Pilly (surprised anyone?)
Best? Tiffany (“you really got a lot of flavor outta that broth.”) and Kevin (“nicely balanced.”) The winner?
Tiffany! WOW!
This chick is on roll!
Tiffany said her fiancé would be proud that she had won “20gs.” Party in her dimples!

The Elimination Challenge
Monticules said were recruited as special agents by the CIA. They had to create a new identity for a classic dish. But the flavor should be the original dish.
They picked knives to find out their assignments.

Pilly – French onion soup, Ed from Boston – Chicken Cordon Bleu, Dusty – Beef Wellington, Indie Film Star Kelly – Kung Pao Shrimp, Tiffany – Gyro, Kevin – Cobb salad, The Villain – Veal Parmesan.
Monticules told them they’d be cooking and serving CIA agents and the head of group, Leon Panetta AT Headquarters in Langley.
Yes, that odor in the air is the brick Dusty just shit. I mean, I would assume you’d prolly get drug tested just to walk through those gates, right? The audience alone might mean our little drug devotee is going home.
Monticules also said the winner would get a trip to Paris!
Ed from Boston mentioned his girlfriend for the first time (thanks to editing.) Apparently she’s been bugging him about going to France. She hasn’t said shit about the giant eyebrows though, huh, Eddie?

The chefs shopped. The Villain told us he was a professional wedding videographer before taking on the last six years as a chef. Well then he should know there’s probably video of him stealing Ed from Boston’s pea purée, right? Idiot.
Indie Film Star Kelly read the labels of Kung Pao bottles and wrote down the ingredients to figure out what she needed. She’s got spunk, that girl!
Meanwhile Dusty talked about how traditional Beef Wellington is served in a pastry crust and revealed that he was going to make a pizza.
Say whut now?
Then…Dusty BOUGHT puff pastry! Yeah, purchased it. Ed from Boston noticed.
Um, Dust? I know your brain is riddled with holes from X but do you recall John aka Male Carla Cosby who went home for buying puff pastry on the first MFing ep?

In the TC kitchen, Tiffany said she “loves spy stuff.” Ed from Boston asked her spy name and she smiled as her dimples yelled out: “Bridgette!” (So cute!)
Then she worked on a deconstructed gyro.
Pilly’s spy name would be Natasha. She was disguising French onion soup by…making soup. I predict Pilly would be a dead spy.
Indie Film Star Kelly asked how much soup Pilly was going to serve each guest. “I don’t know yet.” How much soup are you making. “I don’t know yet.” Our star smiled when Pilly turned her back- sly dog! She planned to disguise her Kung Pao Shrimp as soup. The Villain gave Our Star advice and she didn’t listen. Again, why waste your hot villainous breath? No one is listening.
Pilly said she liked The Villain and respected and admired his cooking. Kind of way you’d admire a fresco made out of doo doos. Until you smelled it and some of it fell in your hair and you realized you pay $18 to get into the gd museum.
The Villain planned to make veal Parmesan in a tortellinis. He asked if anyone had seen his cheese.
He’s just effing with people now, right?

1 hour 2 minutes left!
Dusty said puff pastry wasn’t the main theme of his Beef Wellington dish so the judges should be cool with the fact that he didn’t make it himself. Wishful thinking.
Meanwhile, Ed said his spy name was Muffin Winthrop. The Villain said (to camera, because no one else would listen) his favorite spy was Get Smart.
Yeah. ‘Nuff said.

9 minutes 36 seconds!
Ed made an inside out Cordon Bleu (usually the chicken is on the outside and the ham on the inside, but he flipped the poultry script.) My Mama made chicken Cordon Bleu once. It was delicious.
Hi Mama! Hi!
Hey, Mama, you’re still in it to win it!
Mama didn’t know and I had to tell her Colucci was out to which she replied Oh No! And then Douglas and Ruby were also out also-
Mama: Oh that's too bad.
Then some silence.
Mama: Now is Ruby a guy or a girl?
I always forget that Mama doesn’t know all the nicknames and just start telling her funny events (if they’re really “funny” I don’t use names at all, no worries.)
Hey Ruby, if you’re still reading, meet my Mama - Mama-meet Ruby!
Ruby is a boy, Mama! (Whoops, a guy. Mama doesn’t like to call boys boys.)
Oh and Ruby has Fireball Island. I don’t know if you recall the name of that game, Mama. Certainly you don’t care for it because you threw out all my Fisher Price Toys and all my games- including Pay Day and Life and Parcheesi (which I had made up my own rules to) when I asked you,
begged you,
ten times a year,
not to throw them out! Why Mama?!

The chefs arrived at the CIA. (How the hell did they get in there with their knives?)
The prepped in the kitchen where Ed from Boston said there were cameras. Creepy!
Dusty was nervous and Kevin noticed. Indie Film Star Kelly put her rice in a rice cooker.

1 hour 12 minutes left.
Pilly suddenly realized she didn’t disguise her dish enough: “Helen Keller would have been able to figure this out.” I’m also thinking Helen Keller was a better cook than you.
Indie Film Star asked Tiffany if the rice cooker would turn off when it was done. Tiffany said it should. Then the cooker starts beeping. The rice was overcooked!
In Colorado, Kelly made rice at 8,000 feet above sea level where rice takes an hour to cook, minimum.
Okay two things here, first I’ve been to Utah and walked up a mountain there on a reg- my asthmatic ass knows the altitude story all too well. Also it's a bitch to ’t make cakes there, they usually fall! Happy Birthday to No One!
Second, you’re not in Colorado anymore, Indie Film Star Kelly. Didn’t you realize you could make rice the old fashioned way? Oh wait, yeah, you’re probably failing just so we can see you not fail and fall in love with you even more, right? This is the end of your second act!
Tiffany told Kelly to take the rice out (“Take it out, take it out, take it out.” That’s what she said.) and start over. Our star didn’t want to but Tiffany suggested she make the rice on the stove so she went for it and was grateful.
Then Tiffany helped Kelly plate because she had time. Tiffany: “I want to compete against you at your best.” (What a good egg!)

Meanwhile, Judges Monticules, Colicchio and steaming hot Frenchy Eric Rippert walked into a conference room that looked as if it could have been in any shitty office in America with the exception of the CIA seal. They were joined by The Little Dutch Boy, CIA Head Leon Panetta (who looked like he could be Abe Vigoda’s cousin) and some CIA employees who obviously won’t be undercover in our nation anytime soon. Cover blown!

Panetta said this was a first as he sat. Wait: Panetta has time to be on a reality TV show? Welllll, I guess he has to eat lunch anyway, right?
His chair was precariously close to Monticules.
Like thigh-touching close. Don’t tell me he wasn’t copping a secretive feel.
The meals arrived!

Angelo’s “Beef Wellington” tartlet topped with slivers of beef was served and Monticules asked if anyone had any idea what it was. Someone quickly guessed Beef Wellington?
(I don’t think these guys knew there was a question and answer part of the meal. Actually who am I kidding, they know everything.)
Panetta: “Cool disguise.” But he also said it was salty and the pastry was hard.
Kelly’s “Kung Pao shrimp” soup with rice and Szechuan shrimp tempura was served.
No one could figure it out at first but then Colicchio nailed it. He also liked it. TLDB thought it was a little spicy but good.
Tiffany’s “gyro” –roasted leg of lamb with smoky eggplant, tomatoes and pickled onions was served and Panetta knew what it was. Rippert said it was the most elegant gyro he had ever eaten in his life. I'm pretty sure Rippert has many mansions on many coasts nationally and internationally. Him eating a gyro is like him eating a hot dog. It rarely occurs.

Kevin’s “Cobb salad” romaine lettuce, tomato, bacon, Roquefort, avocado, cucumber & turkey. Hmmm, that sounds suspiciously like a salad…was served and the Director of Human Resources guessed it right away.
Colicchio said it’s a salad. It hasn’t changed, but then admitted that he liked it because he loved Cobb salad.
Kevin (in the kitchen): “I didn’t want to go too far away from the original, if they can’t figure out what it is…” Let me finish that sentence for you- if they can’t figure out what it is you Win, Moron!
Then Leon Panetta was slipped a folded note.
Everyone tensed up as he read it, half thinking he would read it out loud and half knowing they had probably just discovered an invention that would save time, money and energy that they had to steal and then sell to General Electric. Panetta said he would have to be excused and left. I bet you he looked down Monticules blouse. (Who wouldn’t?)

In the kitchen, Pilly said The Villain may make overcooked veal and that might be good for her but she didn’t want to see any of “her friends” fail.
Enough. Just sidle up to Dusty and do some whippets for Christ’s Sake.
Pilly’s ‘French onion soup’ consommé with oxtail marmalade, caramelized onions, shaved Gruyère was served and they could tell the French onion soup was French onion soup. A CIA lawyer said when it was first brought out she thought the shavings on top were coconut—well that’s why you’re an attorney and not an agency, honey. (Actually now that I think of it, you’re prolly a pretty crappy attorney. Jesus. You can’t tell from the smell? Next time courts in recess Google shaved cheese.)
Colicchio said the idea of oxtail marmalade was a good but it was too sweet. A CIA employee said it was like cough syrup. Ouches.
The Villain’s dish: “Veal Parmesan” -veal and Parmigiano cheese tortelloni with tomato sauce and tempura cheese was met with: “Oh My God.”
The meat was really tough. Everyone chewed foreeeeever.
Colicchio said the veal was as tough as pulling a post in Yemen. Rim shot: Badump Bump! Enjoy the refugee liberation movements, he’ll be here all week!
TLDB admitted that it may have been the best disguised. Yeah it was bubble gum disguised as meat.

Ed from Boston’s “Chicken Cordon Bleu” -roasted chicken breast ham and cheese croquette, spring onion soubise was deemed obvious. Colicchio said it was seasoned well and they said there was a lot of labor on the plate. Monticules said “Unfortunately he didn’t work hard to disguise it.”

They returned to the TC DC kitchen (after everyone's butt was scoped to make sure they didn't steal CIA labeled Post-Its) and Monticules entered the Stew Room and asked to see Tiffany, Indie Film Star Kelly and Ed from Boston…
they had…

the winning dishes!

The winner of the trip to Paris?
“I got a honeymoon!”
She hugged Ed who said his girlfriend would be upset but he was happy for her.

The Judges asked to see: The Villain, Pilly and Dusty.
Pilly said she was aware that her dish wasn’t disguised adequately and was going more for flavor. Colicchio: You took a soup and made a soup. Onions and cheese!

Dusty was asked if it was frozen pastry, he said that was correct. Rippert said it was a challenge where you had the most freedom to express your creativity and it ended up kind of sad. Dusty’s eyes began to water. Nothing is worse than having Eric Rippert’s international ass tell you your dish is sad.
The Villain said he was thinking he was going to use new techniques but his plan didn’t work out. Colicchio said he had had better meat at a street fair and better tortellini out of the box! DAYUM Not even frozen?

Colicchio asked the bottom three chefs if they wanted to be seventh best in this competition.
Pilly: No.
“Then why are you cooking like that? Cause one of you is going home.”
Ow, Dad! That smarts.

The three schlepped back to the Stew Room. Okay, if TC does it right, they’ll get rid of The Villain.
They have to, don’t they? Meanwhile, Dusty said he should go home. How the mighty have fallen! Indie Film Star Kelly said she would give him a hug but…

The judges’ lamented- Pilly had a long time to do a dish and she just grated cheese.
Dusty was lost and uninspired, TLDB said he certainly can do better. They all thought The Villain should not have been so ambitious at this point in the competition and the tough meat was mentioned again.

When they were called back to the Judge’s Table:
Colicchio: “You were asked to take a tough dish and disguise it, in all your cases your cover was blown. If there was any disguise you disguised yourself as really poor cooks. And one of you will be seventh best.”
WOW! Colicchio skewers on this ep! I would not want to dent this man’s automobile.

And then…
The Villain was asked to leave. YES!
(I actually yelled YES! out loud and the men repairing the fire escape peeked in my apartment more than they usually did.)
Thank Buddha this abomination is gone!
The bespectacled dick talked smack about a pea purée conspiracy but blahblahblah, tell your story walking shitball. I swear this guy is gonna have to wear a disguise in public from now on. Maybe he can wear his meat.

Unfortunately, this good news (in terms of justice being served), comes with some sadness. As I must tell Daisy and Matt to please pack their knives and go.


LB Ed Cotton

STRIPES Kevin Sbraga

GBAG Kelly Liken

LUCY Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

COLANTO Kelly Liken

KAT BAKER Tiffany Derry

CC Kevin Sbraga and Angelo Sosa

HOLLY Angelo Sosa

BROWNIE Kelly Liken

JENNA Ed Cotton

Q Kevin Sbraga

JET LI Kelly Liken

MY MAMA Kelly Liken

ME Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

Friday, August 13, 2010

"Your group threw you under the bus!"

My apologies again for not being able to post yesterday- especially on such a controversial episode! Lordy Day!
But before we get underway- I need your opinion, please!
Which reality show should be the reality show I organize in the next Reality Pool?
Some have said Top Chef Desserts but #1-that starts soon, #2- it’s food again and #3-would YOU enter after just doing This one?
Please pick something that you know starts in September or October that would actually enter. My goal is to get that pool as deep as possible! Email me or comment below and I tank you in advance!

Okay, last week I forgot to mention that Brownie has me completely hooked on Chopped on The Food Network. Yeah, I know Ted Allen is a drip with his pinched “I’m smarter than you” AND I’m getting Queer Eye For The Straight Guy syndication dollars but he’s only the host and doesn’t give too much of his opinion. Last week on Chopped they had the chef from Beehive on it! Yup! I won’t tell you if she won or lost. (That’s right, Daisy, I’m with you, not those people who announce the outcome of reality TV shows on their posts without warning. I have two words for those people: “Spolier Alert!” Learn how to type them, yo!)

In Bravo Channel News: “Bravo is partnering with popular daily voucher site Groupon to offer discount coupons at 8 "Top Chef" related properties around the country.”
Also they will do a Dunk Tank with Alex aka The Villain. If the baseball hits the bullseye he falls into a tank full of pea purée!

But enough of these pipe dreams (meaning Alex gets beat with a pipe), this weeks’ ep began with Amanda aka Pilly saying “Good Morning” to no one because “her little buddy” Stephen was gone. Pilly pulled back the covers to reveal some god awful looking Yo Gabba Gabba striped pajama pants. Meanwhile, Kenny Q Sign was perplexed (or as my neighbor used to say to their kid "What are you chile, PER-PLEXT?")

Quickfire Challenge
Padma avec Monticules was already there when the Chef’s arrived. So was the tiny beige jacket she wore from the Jaclyn Smith Collection at Kmart. I gotta say Monty’s outfits have been slacking. She's still gorgeous, she just looks like the she’s been hanging out with the Project Runway losers (which she wouldn’t cause they’re slumming on Lifetime -HARVEY WEINSTEIN BURN.)

Pilly remarked that she saw blindfolds when she walked in and Monticules announced:
The Tag Team Cookoff!
Each four person team has 40 minutes to make one dish, each team member gets 10 minutes to help complete it –blindfolded. The chefs are not allowed to communicate with each other in any way during the process and immunity? No more! (NO MAS?!)
The only thing you get here is a piddly $2,500. (10k split amongst the four winning chefs. 3k if you’re Angelo aka Dusthead and can talk a sap into lending you five hundo for your “sick Nana in Glasgow.”)

The Chef’s pulled knives to find out the teams. Pilly pulled first and was stumped: a BLANK KNIFE?! Then Kevin and Ed pulled the first choice and second choice knives, respectively.
Kevin chose Kenny Q Sign. “Kenny and I are good friends. Basically the only person I trust is Kenny.” Will this remark come back to bite him in the ass?
Ed chooses PAUSE MOMENT as he puts a hand on the shoulder of Tiffany! Who glances at him and smiles knowingly.
Ed: “I was hoping to work with Tiffany throughout this competition. She’s super intelligent and she knows how to cook.”
Of course Dusthead gnashed his teeth at this one. (Didn’t I tell you you picked the wrong Black girl?)
Kevin picked Indie Film Star Kelly. Ed picked Dusthead. Kevin picked Pilly and Ed was left with…Alex! Alex could care less about being picked first or last. It made no difference to him. Really? Why you talkin’ about it then, huh?

Blue Team: Kevin/Kenny Q Sign/Pilly/Indie Film Star Kelly
Red Team: Ed/Tiffany/Dusthead/The Villain
After getting 45 seconds to decide the cooking order…Time Starts Now!

As the other six chef’s were blindfolded, Kenny Q Sign also know as “the preppin’ weapon" and Tiffany went first. She threw down some sautee pans so her teammates wouldn’t have to wait 2 minutes for a pan to get hot (smart!) Then she pulled out a snapper and began to prepare it but left the head on so they’d know the kind of fish it was (just brilliant! Tiffany, I apologize wholeheartedly for not picking you. You are a lucky woman, Kat Baker. And not just because you were hailed as hero in the crackdown of that unlicensed massage parlor operation in Somerville.)
Meanwhile, Kenny Q Sign started in on a mushroom cream sauce with prawns.

Pilly from the Blue Team took off her blindfold and went to Kenny’s station. She stood there for a moment, literally using her hands to count and point to things like a seven year old and then, making a sort of ‘I got it!’ gesture right out of Head Of The Class, surmised Kenny was going for a thin pasta with a mushroom cream sauce and shrimp. Kenny began to smile and nod as she blanched the pasta and sautéed the mushrooms.
Alex from the Red Team took off his blindfold, saw fish and immediately seasoned it with “just a touch of salt.”
Huh? That’s the first thing you do? Season a fish when there are 20 minutes left so it’s gonna be sitting there in salt?
Tiffany (WITH A PAINED FACE): “We got thirty minutes basically, why are you touching the fish? Leave the fish alone.”
Kenny Q Sign gave Pilly a high five and Kevin took off his blindfold. He tasted everything, saw the basil and began to crisp parmesan.
Ed took off his blindfold, saw an aromatic broth and began to cut the fish. On the sidelines Tiffany asked if The Villain seasoned the fish. He said he had and Tiffany said she hoped Ed could see the salt on it and not “kill it.”

Indie Film Star Kelly (Blue Team) and Angelo (Red Team) removed their blindfolds and ran over to finish the dishes. The Red Team station was a wreck and Dusty couldn’t tell the direction. He quickly...salted the fish!
The Villain: “I had salt there.” (Oh that’s the way to get yourself out of this situation. Dood, it’s like frosting a cake pan before you bake the gd cake, Idiot!)
Tiffany: “C’mon be careful with the salt.”
Implosion Police, what’s your emergency?
Meanwhile Indie Film Star Kelly went to her station that looked clean enough to eat off or at least organized enough to figure out what dish Kenny Q Sign had started.
Dusthead added dill and cilantro to balance out the saltiness and both he and Kelly plated to cheers from their teammates.

Then…-chefs smiling-…The Guest…Judge…-bigger smiles-…arrived…Speaker…-lips cracking from the force of the smiles-…Of The House…-some sweating now-…NANCY PELOSI!
Nancy Pelosi and her face entered.
Kenny Q Sign, a true Alpha Male had immediate respect for the Alpha Woman aka First Female Speaker Of The Hizzy.

Kevin presented Team Blue’s dish: sautéed shrimp over angel hair pasta with a mustard sauce, marinated tomatoes and crispy basil.
Pelosi, a self proclaimed foodie and denture-wearer, hails from San Francisco where the first Top Chef was held (really?) and said the fresh ingredients reminded her of that place. Let’s remember she’s a politician, not a food critic.
Then she and Monty tasted The Red Team's Red Snapper in an aromatic broth, wilted greens and mushrooms. The Villain hoped it was a “$10,000 dish.” Pelosi said it was “wholesome, maybe a little salty.”
Tiffany: “Friggin Alex.”

Pelosi said a slight advantage went to….The Blue Team!
Kenny Q Sign smiled wide and Pilly highfived the bump on her lip.
Tiffany said Alex messed it up, shaking her head and speaking staccato, voice goin' up like a preacher at the end of each sentence as if she was Jackée Harry’s cousin on 227: Our dish was tiiight. It was gooood. Minus the salt.
Meanwhile The Villain looked through his giant car window sized glasses without blinking, serial killer style (yeah, that’s right, killing people’s dreams!)

The Elimination Challenge
Monty announced it wouldn’t be Top Chef without- say it with me: Restaurant Wars! Everyone clapped. The Chefs would be taking over the Redwood Restaurant in MD. Each team (OH SNAP THEY GOTTA STAY IN THOSE TEAMS, YO!) would be responsible for a three-course menu with two options for each course.
Kenny Q Sign said it was his chance to show Dusty that he was organized. What? You can’t do that at the Top Chef Residence by folding your clothes or something?
Tiffany said they were only as strong as their weakest link. (Here’s a hint: that link wears glasses.)
Then Monty dropped a bomb (no, not her bra, that would be dropping two bombs) the Guest Judge for Restaurant Wars? Frank Rooney, former restaurant critic of the New York Times.
You could hear sphincters tighten.
Oh yeah, some guys in suit jackets from Terlato Wines from Napa (also known as The Sponsors) came out with a magnum of wine and told the contestants the winner would get a special prize. The crusty doods who prolly told their entire families to watch them on teevee and labored over what they would wear for their 5 seconds of screen time wished them luck and the teams split to go shopping.

Mini-van one: Kenny Q Sign and Pilly in the front seat, The Villain and Tiffany in the back . He asked “What are we doing?” Tiffany told The Villain to do his own list. He said they should go to the seafood counter and see what’s fresh. Maybe call ahead. (What?) Tiffany told him to write it down so he didn’t miss anything.

Mini-van two: Kenny and Indie Film Star Kelly in the backseat, Dusty and Ed from Boston in front. Ed: “Tiff and Skeletor on the meat?”
SKELETOR?! Why didn’t I come up with that? Dayum Ed from Boston. Maybe you should swirl with me. (Naw, the eyebrow combination would be too much.)
Angelo said he didn’t really trust The Villain and Kevin overheard. They decided to put The Villain in the front of the house to minimize any damage.

As they shopped: 45 minutes and $1,500 to spend, Pilly and Kenny Q Sign watched Tiffany and The Villain grab stuff randomly and put it on the cart sans shopping list. Pilly: “Very dangerous.”

Back in the TC Kitchen, Dusty said he was Executive Chef. He told The Villain to cut all the proteins and then saw him later literally butchering the meat. Dusty took over for him. Kenny Q Sign watched the Red Team run about. Tiffany said she was nervous and The Blue Team seemed organized. Uh oh…

The Red Team (Dusty/The Villain/Tiffany and Ed from Boston) I guess let Dusty decide the name for their Mediterranean inspired restaurant: EVO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil.)
–Ugh, that reminds me of Rachael Ray. I know Mama, I know you like her. I can’t really stand her. It’s something about her monster mouth. Plus she yells and that drives me crazy. There are microphones already in place. Why are you screaming like a 14 year old on her iTelephone on the bus?)

The Blue Team (Kenny Q Sign/Kevin/Pilly/Indie Film Star Kelly) decided Indie Film Star Kelly would be in the front of the house. Kenny Q Sign called their restaurant 2121, the address of the TC DC apartment. The Blue Team was confident and comfortable and Dusty thought it was a dangerous thing to be too comfortable.

In the Kitchen everyone tried to find their way. The Villain was asked for an ETA on the lamb: “thirty seconds”
Dusty: “That’s thirty seconds too long.”
The Villain : “I have my own way.”
Dusty: “What is this, LA?”
(I'm not quite sure what that means but I bet in chef circles that's like saying 'your apps were microwaved.)

Kenny Q Sign said this was The Best vs. The Beast.
Dusty told The Villain: No Talking In The Kitchen. The Villain (REPEATING): “No talking in the kitchen.”
(OMG I want to punch him SO badly I’d let Pilly cook for me to do it. Jesus.)
To camera The Villain said he knew he wasn’t trusted and "that sucks." On the other side, Pilly had never worked with a wood burning grill before or grass fed beef and looked to be struggling. Meanwhile Tiffany had to re-prepare all of her fish since The Villain left it full of scales and bones. Delicious!

In the front of the house, Indie Film Star Kelly spoke really sweetly to the waitstaff while smiling and encouraging them. “My husband usually does this.”
The Villain? “I’m the chef here, you guys are helping me out today. It’s gonna be a lot of work. Everything is gonna be precise.” He actually SHOWED people how to wipe down a table. And he said he wanted the chairs wiped down too. “Like new!”
Now back in the day, Restaurant Wars used to have the teams splitting in half to buy food AND DÉCOR and filling a raw space. They wisely do not do that anymore (prolly in order to better focus on the food.) So I’m pretty sure Alex’s staff is THE STAFF for this restaurant.
Meaning, they usually work there.
Meaning know the drill. Also they’re on TV. Hello? They’re not gonna slack. But they will spit in Alex's food sometime in the near future.
Indie Film Star Kelly let the staff taste the dishes. The Villain clapped his hands and said his waitstaff should clean up and do it quick.
“You have ten minutes! Rapido!”
He really said that ish!
Then when he saw a smirk he told them to stop smiling: “You want five” minutes?
He also said his description of the food was so great that the staff didn’t need to taste the food.

There was a quick costume change before the guests arrived. Indie Film Star Kelly wore some sort of wool poncho vest in the shape of a gray Pop Tart. The Villain morphed into a SCARFACE extra in gray pinstripes, maroon shirt, unbuttoned (ew) with some God Awful chain that looked like it was made of brass. He also was Not at the front of the house to greet The Judges!

EVO First Course-
Angelo’s confit of tomato soup, squash and olive crouton & Tiffany’s crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper with Meyer lemon pepper relish. Now let me say right off, maybe I’m being picky but it seemed like Alex was sort of fudging the ingredients. More on that later…
Gail said Tiffany missed the subtly and it was amazingly salty. The NYTimes Critic said Angelo’s soup made him want to taste his cooking.

Dusty spun like a top out of control in the kitchen. Kevin seemed calm and collected. Almost like he was on a different reality TV show. One where we watch the contestants stand on their feet and look back at the camera.

EVO Second Course-
Tiffany’s bass with stewed spinach and chorizo and clams & Ed from Boston’s Turbot eggplant caviar and black olive jus. Tiffany’s fish was dubbed overcooked but had nice flavors and good presence with the chorizo. The NYTimes Critic LOVED Ed from Boston’s fish, said nothing was overwhelming and you got the Mediterranean flavor.

EVO Third Course-
The Villain presented his own: “braised, boiled pork chop…”
Coliccho: “Pork chop?”
It was a pan-seared LAMB chop on English pea puree (ALEX MADE PEA PUREE AGAIN?! COME. ON.), smoked bacon and Parmesan foam & Angelo & Ed from Boston’s rib eye with potatoes, walnuts, balsamic fig reduction.
The NYTimes Critic said he wished The Villain’s plate had more texture and overall the service was hit or miss. His water glass was near empty and they felt unattended. AND The Villain didn’t even say goodbye!

At 2121, Indie Film Star Kelly was there to greet the Judges and told them they were serving “progressive American cuisine.” Monticules was excited about the cheese and dessert courses.
In the kitchen, Kenny Q Sign said it was all about what was the best for the team and egos were checked. Everything seemed to go smoothly, no yelling.

2121 First Course-
Kelly’s chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland Blue Crab salad & Kenny’s beet salad with chorizo-citrus vinaigrette.
Coliccho said there was no flavor in Indie Film Star Kelly’s dish. NYTimes Critic said Kenny Q Sign’s salad was loaded with a lot of stuff. Too much.

2121 Second Course-
Pilly’s Oakwood grilled strip steak with roasted Sunchoke & Maitake mushrooms & Kevin’s pan roasted halibut with slow cooked white beans and tomato fennel marmalade.
NYTimes Critic said you could look at the steak and tell you weren’t going to get what you wanted. He loved Kevin’s fish and thought the presentation was beautiful.

2121 Third Course-
Kenny’s crispy aged goat cheese and strawberry rhubarb relish on a salad & dark chocolate ganache tart with a blackberry chunk ice cream.
Gail liked the tart and salt but Kenny’s cheese was determined soapy, salty and too big. Uh oh.

Overall The NYTimes Critic hated the EVO name, called Kenny Q Signs goat cheese a monstrosity and the service at 2121 nice (Kelly checked in on them!) But the NYTimes Critic said both teams started out with a premise they didn’t necessarily deliver on.

In the Stew Room-Monty asked to see Ed from Boston, Tiffany, Dusty and The Villain. As they left and Pilly was confused, Kevin said “My mind will be blown if we’re on the bottom.”


Compliments abounded but when Colicchio asked who was responsible for the lamb everyone looked nervous and Dusty said The Villain came up with the lamb dish but he and Ed tackled it. Hmmm….Colicchio didn’t pick this apart like I thought he should have.
The individual winner- Ed from Boston. He received a trip to Napa and the giant magnum.

Then the Losers lined up. Holy Crap. I gotta say I’m in shock here.
Kenny Q Sign immediately said (before any feedback was given) that, from his perspective, sitting back and watching the other team and hearing the mis-communication he was pretty shocked they were up there. Gail said they just go on how the food tastes and how the service runs and that was it.
The NYTimes Critic said Indie Film Star Kelly has a clumsy charisma but it was charisma nonetheless.
NYTimes Critic told Kenny Q Sign said his beet salad was done through the guise of Hamburger Helper.
They told Kevin they loved his dish and when it arrived everyone smiled.
The Critic said Pilly’s lamb was overcooked and a jus can’t save a piece of meat. It was like having a great pair of shoes with a bad suit. The shoes can’t save the suit.
I like this guy! He should stay!

Then Kenny Q Sign said: if Angelo wasn’t in the kitchen they wouldn’t have gotten anything done. He told them the team didn’t have faith in The Villain’s cooking ability and Kevin jumped in and said that Alex did NOT make that lamb dish.
Colicchio: So you’re saying Alex did not conceive that dish?
Kevin: He did not conceive that dish. Ed and Angelo did.
Kenny and Kevin Colicchio asked if they thought Alex should go home?
Kevin: Absolutely, I’ll say it and I’ll say it in front of him, I’ll say it in front of anyone: Alex needs to go home.”

Back in the Stew Room-
Indie Film Star Kelly, teary, said: “Can we just be honest here?”
Then EXPLOSION TIME as Kevin yelled at The Villain: “You didn’t do nothing. Your ass should be going home.”
Then he Stood Up!
“Your group threw you under the bus! Your ass should be going home.”
Kenny Q Sign said the reality is everyone is supposed to conceive their own dish. Not Angelo saying I’m gonna take your lamb and put this thing together. Everyone is supposed have a hand in prepping.
The Villain: “They asked me to fillet the fish, they asked me to scale the fish. This is what I did and I did what I could do with it.”
Angelo (QUIETLY TO THE VILLAIN): “There’s no need to justify it.”

The Judges-
Indie Film Star Kelly’s soup: too thin. Pilly’s meat: not savory or satisfying. Kevin didn’t do much but his dish was delicious and Colicchio said he couldn’t see sending him home for that dish.
OH SNAP it’s down to Pilly, Kelly and Kenny Q Sign?!

They said Kenny had two poor dishes but Gail said as the chef of the team he did work well and keeping them organized and on track was something they had sent people home for in the past for Not doing…
NYTimes Critic said the other team had questions about what Alex did and didn’t do but they understand that if a team prevails everyone is safe. At least for one night.
Everyone nodded except me. Cause let me tell you that ish seemed like one of the TC Producers came in and made him memorize some legalese from an index card.

When the four were called back to the Judges table something shocking happened that will change this competition forever…Kenny Q Sign was sent away…

Colucci, Ruby and poor, unassuming, why-did-I-enter-this-gd-thing-in-the-first-place-and-No,-no-I-will-not-do-another-reality-pool-I-don’t-care-what-you-say-or-do-to-convince-me-huh?-yeah-yeah-my-birthday-is-in-November-yeah-I-like-the-circus-well-if-you-take-me-to-the-circus-it’s-my-birthday-gift-you-can’t-bribe-me-with-a-birthday-gift-and-make-me-do-a-pool-well-if-I-get-to-ride-a-pony-maybe-I-dunno-I-gotta-whale-on-my-calves-Douglas, please pack your knives and go…


LB Ed Cotton

STRIPES Kevin Sbraga and Alex Reznik

GBAG Kelly Liken

LUCY Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

COLANTO Kelly Liken

KAT BAKER Tiffany Derry

DAISY Alex Reznik

CC Kevin Sbraga and Angelo Sosa

HOLLY Angelo Sosa

BROWNIE Kelly Liken and Alex Reznik

JENNA Ed Cotton

MATT Alex Reznik

Q Kevin Sbraga

JET LI Kelly Liken

MY MAMA Kelly Liken

ME Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I "went to a Brazilian steak house once."

First up- what do we have here?
A photo of- Easter eggs? No.
Mutant erasers? Naw.
Aliens laying in wait to attach themselves to your face and implant larvae in your chest…? Maybe.

Let Jet illuminate (re: last weeks’ email):

oh yea- that's a pic from thrillist of KO prime's calves balls dish before they are fried and sent out into the restaurant for service. they are delicious! i love balls in mah mouf!

After I asked if I could tell people that Jet loves balls in her mouf she answered:

i would say you could tell everyone i like zee taint tickling my teeth. but i think they're all already on to me(!).

I think some of you may know that I used to love liver and onions when I was a meat eater. Knockwurst and liverwurst too. Oh and I used to eat raw hamburger. But giant, dense cow testes? No dice. You can have mine, Jet!

This week’s Top Chef DC episode began with Indie Film Star Kelly lamenting about her screw up (being in the bottom last ep.) Then they showed Bad Perm’s bed, empty, and yet full of tiny curly, fried blonde hairs still crying out for conditioner.

Downstairs, Alex said he didn’t know about the pea purée and then: “I really don’t care what anyone else thinks” he ‘remarked’ in an audio track that was obviously created with several individual clips of Alex Dialogue. (Can you make that less obvious TC Producers?)
Ed from Boston said he wasn’t angry about the pea purée, just confused. (Uh huh, I know what that means. Ed’s from Boston, that translates into: “I was confused so I punched him in the MFing throat.”)

In the TC Kitchen, glassy-eyed Stephen held on to the table so he wouldn’t fall on his face as Padma avec Monticules wearing a blouse that can’t decide whether it wants to be a t-shirt or a tank top, introduced Top Chef Masters Winner, Marcus Samuelsson.
Marcus Samuelsson could easily be a villain except now Alex is now officially The Villain due to the Pea Purée Incident.
Marcus was an orphan from Ethiopia who was adopted by a family in Switzerland (talk about culture shock) and became a world-class chef.
He has a devilish smile; is known to be cruel in his criticism and- wait! He has a lisp?!

Quickfire Challenge
DC is a Mecca for global cuisine (and handgun crime) but one food dominates: Ethiopian.
Hold up, rully?
The chefs had to make an Ethiopian dish using the ingredients provided. The prize? Immunity.

Lisp explained that Ethiopian food is known for the Berbere spice, also goat, lamb and chickpeas that you eat with injera (not my cousin, Injera, the spongy Sourdough bread you use as a utensil.)
I had Ethiopian food at Addis Red Sea once.
I wasn’t as much of a germophobe back then but right now just the memory of sitting on the floor of a basement level restaurant atop sparkly pillows in a relatively dark room as people bring you baskets of mush that everyone eats with spongy bread and their (dirty) hands makes me crave Hepatitis serum as I scrub my feet and tongue with rocks.

But quell your gag reflect cause-
Time Starts Now!
The Villain and Indie Film Star Kelly both sprinted towards the same pressure cooker. The Villain snatched it up moments before Kelly could and laughed cruelly!
Kelly said Alex was getting aggressive –hmm the second act of the independent film she’s starring in today may involve assault.
Kevin said watching Alex cook is like watching someone throw darts at a wall.
Then Alex unsuccessfully attempted to attach the pressure cooker top to the base (has he ever used one of those things before?)
Meanwhile Kevin, who had never made Ethiopian food, made braised chicken with chickpeas and a mint and cucumber salad.
Um, Kevin? I can make that.

NEWFLASH: Angelo aka Dusthead worked in a restaurant in New York City that had an Ethiopian concept! Come on? More crackhead lies?
Oh wait, Kenny Q Sign co-signed it. Q Sign said he, Ed from Boston and Dusty were the only ones who knew how to make Ethiopian cuisine.
African Food Fight!

Stephen made a stew with lamb meatballs on a hideous plate that literally had lamb shanks in the center with a giant dollop of yogurt sauce on top and then a moat of meatballs in sauce in a circle around the shanks IN ADDITION TO a little plate of biscuits AND ALSO a little tray of injera.
His plating skills were suspect. Or shall I say, tipsy?

The Villain made “classic stew” with beef and lamb tongue and braised cabbage. He said didn’t know how spicy he could make it. Moniticules (without looking at him): “It’s not very spicy at all.”
In Your Face, Pea Purée Pilferer!

Indie Film Star Kelly made leg of lamb with roasted cauliflower and yogurt. Lisp said “the fact that you like heat really came through in this dish.”
Wait, is this just about heat? Because I can toss some Andy Capp’s Hot Fries in Berbere spice if you want. Oh snap- Ethiopian Hot Fries! Don’t bite that, it’s mine.

Amanda aka Pilly didn’t know what the spices were. She “did goat.” (That’s what she said.) Lisp called it a modern stew.
Tiffany smiled broadly and said they didn’t have many Ethiopian restaurants in Texas. She went with a hearty beef goulash with curry and admitted she didn’t know Ethiopian flavors and went with what she thought tasted good. Lisp: “After tasting eight dishes I’m still here eating yours.” Nice. Why didn’t I pick her again? Dayum.

Kenny Q Sign did a duo of lamb, meat loaf & rib eye with curry and Dukuh spice. Lisp liked the deep flavors. Dusthead did a doro wat (spicy Ethiopian chicken) with egg, mango yogurt and mint with steamed injera. Lisp asked if Dusty was Ethiopian prompting smirks from The Villain and Kelly. Ed from Boston did a stewed lamb with beef tripe, cauliflower, peppers and braised greens that Lisp called well balanced.

Least Favorite: Kevin (come on, dood!) –his food was too shy,
Stephen –his meatballs weren’t juicy,
Alex –“…your stew is dry.” (Dry stew?! A culinary dis if I ever heard one.)

Favorites: Pilly (Que?), Dusty and Tiffany. The winner…Tiffany!
Tiffany (dimples filled with pride): “I’m the winner, ding, ding, ding!”
Angelo looked away. Guess you shoulda got close to the other Black girl, Dusty.

Elimination Challenge!
Lisp and Monticules wheeled in a map. The chefs were told they had to make 100 portions of a dish inspired by the flavors of a country on the map. They would be serving diplomats, ambassadors and world dignitaries- many who were looking for a taste of their homeland
(i.e. New Yorkers would mayhaps be looking for a charcoal dish cause no one leaves NYC without black boogies. Es verdad! Blow your nose, Holly!)

Oh yeah AND they could only use chafing dishes (Sterno) to heat the food!

They drew knives to get a picking order for the countries.
Indie Film Star Kelly picked 2, glassy-eyed Stephen picked 9 (there are only nine chefs left!) and Tiffany picked #1!
Tiffany selected Mexico; Indie Film Star-Italy; Pilly-France ; Kenny Q Sign- Thailand; Villain- Spain; Dusty- pretended to pick Brazil and picked Japan; Kevin- India; Ed from Boston- China and Stephen was stuck with Brazil.

They had a budget of $200 and 30 minutes to shop.
As they did, Kenny Q Sign wondered why he was in the middle again.
He admitted he had a bout with cancer and four surgeries.
Whoa, in addition to your wife dying and having to raise your daughter?!!
I guess you can call yourself the Alpha Male.

Suddenly Stephen remembered that he and his wife and two kids (babies, but I guess you’re right, they’ll be kids by the time you get back home) "...went to a Brazilian steak house once.
That’s what they’re known for- steak!”
Um, first off, what were you doing bringing your twin babies to a Brazilian steak house? You couldn’t get a sitter?
What the hell makes you think your wife wants to sit there trying to cut a steak with a baby on her lap?
And why do you smell like Smirnoff?!

Meanwhile Kevin decided to make his own curry. Uh oh…
He said he didn’t know much about Indian cuisine, that he didn’t “know anything really.”
Dusty saw Kevin in the Asian aisle and said: “Now you’re buying Asian product, huh bro?”
[Hey Mama, remember this line: “I’m not your bro, bro.” Remember when Wentworth Miller said that on Prison Break, Mama?!
Woo, yeah. Good times.
You know who else used to watch Prison Break?
Poor, misguided, two-shirt wearing, never reading these posts yet ‘playing’ in the pool, “I hate…” everything Douglas.
When you think about it, he truly is a collection of contradictions.
He abhors reality TV yet I witnessed him laugh out loud at ABC’s Wipeout. He hates Top Chef but a few weeks ago I received a text from him that read: “Fiddleheads are here!”
Shortly after: “Covered in soil!”
This leads me to believe Douglas would like to watch a show about food. He knows a thing or two about it (you know aside from that horrible sub shop he goes to where you can purchase a sub that has chicken fingers, cheese sticks AND steak and cheese and onions in it (prolly with slices of individually wrapped cheese still wrapped in it too –like you’d notice the plastic at that point.)]

During prep in the TC kitchen, Indie Film Star Kelly worked on am Italian dish she was going to serve cold: beef carpaccio. Ed from Boston worked on his Chinese dish: duck breast with potstickers. He admitted he was familiar with Chinese culture, food and that he had some Chinese girlfriends in the past. (Huh? Oh, that’s right- I know how to make Babka cause I used to pork a Jewish guy. Wth?)
Stephen said he had to take the ingredients he “got and come up with Brazil” in the way one might say “Dood, I gotta ace this test so I can get into medical school” and then drink a third 40 oz before going to a kegger.

As they finished up, The Villain had the audacity to ask if anyone had room in their hot box for his food.
Dood, EVERYONE thinks you stole Ed’s pea purée. Why would they let you put something in their hot box? And on a gutter-level- look at you! You’re sweaty, can’t blink and you might have that disease where your eyes pop out. Why would anyone let you put something in their hot box? (Enjoy the salad bar, I’ll be here all week.)

Back at the TC house that night, Kevin spoke to his daughter and wife on the phone (a Reality TV Show Sign that he could be going home) and Indie Film Star Kelly received a care package from her husband (that’s SO indie film!) It was filled with stuffed animals (awww), candy, photos and a bottle of whisky that glassy-eyed Stephen was quick to celebrate. The Villain, Dusty, Stephen and Kelly all toasted Kelly’s husband.

The next morning as the chefs went into the Meridian, Dusty replied, “we walk in and there’s beautiful marble stairs…”
Ummmm, those are red-carpeted stairs, Dust.
You’ve been sniffing spices again. Which, I’m Sure he has at one point or another in his life. I mean, who didn’t slug back some cooking sherry in high school? (That was me, Mama! That Thanksgiving when you were short half a cup? I tried the sherry. Whew, one shot and I was right back to Ruinite. Lordy Day, sherry tastes like cigarettes and vinegar. )

The chefs had 30 minutes to set up. Pilly’s beef was dry so she cut it into smaller pieces.
Stephen heats up his rice, adds stock and voila! It’s overcooked. Idiot.
Tiffany worked like a banshee to prepare. She said her ultimate goal would be to win even though she had immunity.
Then-- the Guests! Kevin was sure to tell them he was making ‘stew chicken with the flavors of India’ and not ‘curry chicken.’
Like Monticules is gonna stand for that.
The Judges approached- including Lisp, who apparently won a jaunty hat from urban streetwear vendor, Karmaloop on Newbury Street; and José Andrés!
José Andrés is a badass who trained under MEGASTAR Ferran Adria.
I would KILL to go Adria’s restaurant El Bulli in Spain.
Get familiar:

My dream is to somehow get on the two-year waiting list, sit at the best table, put aside my Vegan ways and have a culinary orgy with every dish there!
Then work in the kitchen to pay off the meal while convincing my colon it was worth it as I vomit and sh*t simultaneously.

I’ve seen José on Made In Spain many times and let me tell you, I would not want this man judging my food.
Or my Spanish- sheet, I wouldn’t even want him judging a Bucks Up bet.

The judges tried Indie Film Star Kelly’s beef carpaccio, spring vegetable and parmigaiano-reggiano. Kelly revealed she was going to make gnudi but when she found out they couldn’t cook anything at the location she changed it up. Gail admired this.
José said cold dishes are the most difficult to make and some dood from the Italian Embassy said the dish represented Italy better than he did. The plate of carpaccio was promptly sworn in as the Ambassador and that guy was kicked to the curb.

Ed from Boston prepared his tea-smoked duck breast with pot stickers in Szechuan jus. José didn’t think it was totally successful. The Chinese Ambassador said it was flavorful.

The judges expected a punch from The Villain’s braised veal cheeks, jamon torta with olive salad and…didn’t get it. The Villain said he was confident José would be impressed by his dish but José said it didn’t work (the man IS from Spain) and Lisp said it needed more focus.

Stephen presented his flank steak in chimichurri sauce with black beans and rice. Padma liked the coffee rub on the steak but Colicchio said: there are only three things on the plate, cook the rice properly.
Lisp said there were many places to go with Brazilian food but he didn’t get Brazil from Stephen’s dish.

Kevin’s stewed chicken with leeks and parsnip purée, cucumber salad and crispy lentils went over well. Shocking! The judges liked the aroma and the lentils.
Pilly’s beef bourguignon with pommes fourchette & horseradish mousse would have been better if she didn’t cut the beef into little pieces. Suckah!
José enjoyed the sauce and wanted the meat on the side. A couple of guests thought the meat was dry.
Dusty’s sashimi of tuna ribbons with candied wasabi and joy infusion was called nice and flavorful but Colicchio said it was just fish in a spice.
Tiffany’s chicken tamales with queso fresco and tomatillo sauce was a ‘great’ dish. The Ambassador from the Bahamas thought it was amazing. (Can I apply for that job? What a boondoggle!)
Kenny Q Sign’s tamarind braised pork with rice noodle salad and thai green curry was called the perfect in between of heat and spice.

During the bump, ANTICS! Dusty brought the plastic wrap box into the bathroom (ewww, I don’t wanna see that plastic wrap box on the counter next to food in the next ep) wrapped the toilet bowl and put the lid down. He told The Villain not to use it (Dusty’s all Palsy with the Villain, huh?) because he knew Stephen was tipsy (who doesn’t know at this point?) Then Glass Eyes went to the bathroom and his balls received a pee bath.

At the Judging, Monticules asked to see Indie Film Star Kelly, Kevin and Tiffany because…they had their favorite dishes!

They loved the combination of Tiffany’s ingredients.
They thought it was brilliant that Kevin made the dish his own, and José told Indie Film Star Kelly that he just came from Venice and she honored Italy with that carpaccio.
But the person who made the best dish with the best ingredients for the country they had was… Tiffany.
“I win, YAAAAAY!”
They surprised her with $10,000. Tiffany: “My wedding is paid for!”
And TC gave 10k to Chef José ’s favorite charity, DC kitchen.
Translation: We’d like you to come back and be a judge again en el futuro.

Then the Judges asked to see The Villain, Stephen and Ed from Boston.

Stephen’s eyes became glassy as Gail told him the rice was mealy and overcooked. She also said a chimichurri was Argentinian.
Colicchio kinda slapped that down by saying regardless of where you say the meal is coming from, if your rice was cooked correctly you probably wouldn’t be here. You made the steak right, make the rice right.

José said The Villain’s dish was like a nightmare. He also used some other words that I rewound several times to decipher but couldn’t. If you know, please tell me because I love to see Alex get his crack kicked.
Then ---The Villain pulled some of the best reality TV show acting ever out of his a** and said: “Wow, I screwed up.”
Hmmm, really? Is this the same guy who said José (from Spain) was gonna like his dish (from Spain)?
But I gotta admit, that’s what you need to do on these shows: admit your mistake. And lie if necessary.
Alex said he was really mad at himself. He got really excited when he heard he was going to do Spain and couldn’t edit himself.
THEN He said “Chef Tom said, ‘You don’t have to do a Spanish dish, it just has to be inspired by Spain.”
Tom: “It’s my fault?”
Woooooo, don’t eff with Colicchio.
Alex smiled and said he wasn’t trying to imply that at all.
Colicchio declared his cooking a problem: there was dried out meat, the sauce was thin and watery and there was Nothing Spanish about the dish. Shut Down!
Will The Villain go home to his Wild E. Coyote cave and continue working for Acme?

José said he enjoyed the sauce of Ed’s dish but he over promised and under whelmed. There was no sweet and sour. The duck would have been successful if he rendered some of the fat out of it. Ed nodded. Colicchio acknowledged that Ed acknowledged the problem. (That’s how you do it, Ed!)

They walked back into the Stew Room and Stephen said: “It’s Ed, he’s going home.”
How is that funny?
Ed admitted (to Camera) he was more embarrassed to be on the bottom with Alex than to be on the bottom.

In the end, Colicchio said the challenge was to use inspirations from various countries. They saw inspiration but the cooking techniques were problematic.

Monticules told Stephen to pack his knives and go. (Sorry, Ruby.)
Stephen hugged The Villain and I realized how tall The Villain is. Creepy.

Stephen said Top Chef chose him and that was a victory in itself. Take what you can get, Glass Eyes. You’re going home without having won any challenges, any money and with the title of Not Able To Cook Rice.
I said it before and I’ll say it again: your wife is gonna roll her eyes and then roll on dubs with your twins in Gucci logoed car seats giving you the baby finger.
Enjoy! And don’t stop by my house for Babka!



COLUCCI Kenny Gilbert

LB Ed Cotton

STRIPES Kevin Sbraga and Alex Reznik

GBAG Kenny Gilbert and Kelly Liken

LUCY Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken

COLANTO Kenny Gilbert and Kelly Liken

KAT BAKER Kenny Gilbert and Tiffany Derry

DAISY Kenny Gilbert and Alex Reznik

CC Kevin Sbraga and Angelo Sosa

HOLLY Kenny Gilbert and Angelo Sosa

BROWNIE Kelly Liken and Alex Reznik

JENNA Kenny Gilbert and Ed Cotton

MATT Kenny Gilbert and Alex Reznik

Q Kenny Gilbert and Kevin Sbraga

RUBY Kenny Gilbert

JET LI Kenny Gilbert and Kelly Liken

DOUGLAS Kenny Gilbert

MY MAMA Kelly Liken

ME Kevin Sbraga and Kelly Liken