Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"I'm actually very comfortable because I turned a rock into a wheel"

Let me apologize again for what was certainly the most incomplete, poorly phrased piece of writing I have ever emailed.
(SAY LIKE POPEYE) How embar-assking!
I gasped reading that thing back.

Now let me describe a little bit of what it was like to be typing furiously and trying to get the email out as the old ep was screening while the new ep was on whilst my 18 year old niece sat next to me on the couch, drumming her fingers, saying stuff like: "Who’s Stripes? They keep texting you.”
"Do you know what you want for dinner?"
"Do you want me to call Nana and get her picks?"
Yes! Yes! Call Nana and get her picks, please! Jesus.

My niece is adorable but she hates writing and needs to have music blaring while she does homework so she doesn't understand my eagerness to complete crafting things in silence.
She loves CSI, NCIS, L&O (all versions), Criminal Minds and Cold Case and abhors reality TV (with the exception of Wipe Out.) Since staying with me she is thoroughly upset that she is now almost addicted to The Bachelorette. [Shout Out to Frank! You're the realest and quirkiest one left, don't lose hope!]

LB sent me an email after the debacle went out. Thankfully this was the only thing she observed:
"For someone who always counts the blacks, your Mom oddly picked 2 white girls...what's up with that?"
Ooooo weee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
I called Mama and she laughed and said, “Well, I don’t know, I was rushed.
Note: Mama does Not Like To Be Rushed.
Mama also didn’t seem to miss wide-eyed, slack-mouthed, non-pastry making John aka Male Carla Cosby and after watching this clip where John discusses his sweaty dreadlocks that might knock you down- ew. I don’t think you will either:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/157271/top-chef-a-hard-way-to-go#s-p1-sr-i1

And now all hands on deck, it’s time for the Quickfire Challenge –
A Bi-PartiSandwich Quickfire!
(Come on, that’s pretty cute, you can tell some writer was happy with that. In fact, I’m going on record now and say that there will be several Bi-PartiSandwich Shops opening in DC courtesy of Bravo early next year.)

Deep dimpled Sam Kass, White House Chef, and Padma avec des monticules told the chefs to draw knives to find out their partner and said they had 30 minutes to make a sandwich. Right away Tamesha said it seemed too easy. (Cue the JAWS theme.)

Suddenly, Angelo: “It would be embarrassing to lose this Quickfire because I have a sandwich shop in New York City…”
Pardon? Didn’t mention that before.
See how he is? Angelo is that MF who will borrow your car for two days and return it with a dent, on E, without saying a word. Then, after bumming three (three!) cigarettes from you, let it slip that he HAS a car he just needed yours for a friend who had to run an errand in Southie. Huh?
It’s like this homeless guy who asked me for money so he could get a bite to eat once. I said, Come on, I’ll walk you into the pizza shop right here and buy you a slice. Him: “Oh, but see, I um- I wanna get these chicken wings down Dudley. They’re real good and they only have them there.” Okay, Angelo. Okay.

Tamesha’s spidey sense was dead on as Monticules and Dimples revealed the chef teams would have to compete in aprons sewn together! They could only use one hand each!
I thought the same thing Timothy did: “…this is genius, who got high and came up with this idea?”
Timothy was paired with Alex who screamed like a lady when he had to use his left hand to hold the loaf of bread and Tim tried to cut it. “You need to calm down!” Alex said. I think at that point his glasses were mirrors and he was talking to himself. They made a ground lamb with mornay sauce and egg.

Kenny was tied with Ed from Boston. Earlier in the ep, Ed shaved his face in his shared bedroom. Hopefully he could resist trimming his pubes in the walk-in freezer. Kenny and Ed made a Korean chili rubbed ahi tuna with a cuke and mango slaw.

Angelo & Tracey were paired and we learned (gag) that Tracey has a secret crush on him. In one shot (Pause it!) she actually semi-cups her stubby paw around Angelo’s ass when they hobbled to the fridge. It looked like Kristen Wiig’s babydoll hand in that Lawrence Welk skit on SNL. Angelo (playing the samich heavy in the team) orchestrated a flounder marinated in fish sauce and sirracha mayo with a salad on top. Angelo called his “beautiful Japanese sauce” liquid love.
Know what else is liquid? Morphine.
Yeah, my sister was given some for pain once. She threw it away. I told her she should have at least given it to me so I could sell it. Not to Angelo though, I don’t need to be paid in flounder.

Elsewhere, Arnold and Indie Film Star Kelly were making a curry rubbed grilled chicken with honey and Indonesian sambal, cuke and mint. Stephen & Jacqueline? A chicken breast on white bread and bacon mixed in with balsalmic onion…booooring! They actually stabbed the sandwich halves with giant rosemary spears.
Corn! (Not in the sandwich. The sandwich itself was pure corn.)

Tamesha told Amanda she wanted to be on the right before they put the apron on. She didn’t think she could trust her. Amanda (who reminds me of a slightly more talented Leah aka Laya (the whore that tried to bed Hosea and anyone else who would cut an onion for her inept a**) from Season 5) is the only person who cut their palm while peeling potatoes during the Mise En Place last ep. ‘Nuff said

Kevin & Bad Perm (Andrea Curto Randazzo) made a Philly Cuban with pickle and gruyere. Tiffany & 51. (51 Years Old!) worked well together it seemed. You could tell 51 was still in instructor mode since she came up with the idea of veal saltimbocca with goat cheese and peppers but Tiffany followed happily with a “Yeah baby, I got this one in the bag!”
Tiffany has a great smile but she seems to end every sentence with a loud catchphrase like a day player on 227 looking to get Marla Gibb’s spot.

When Dimples & Monticules asked how the challenge was for Angelo and Tracey he said: “She’s like my twin sister.”
Dimples replied: “But not identical.”
OOOH, NON-SIBLING BURN!
Amanda’s presentation sucked: “We just have a grilled sandwich…”
Huh?
I had a friend who used to take a cab and when she was only going eight blocks from where she was she would say Sorry before and after she announced the destination. Come on, it’s money! Bottom line, if you’re not so down on it he won’t be either.

In the end, Dimples called out Stephen & Jacqueline and Tiffany & 51 for being crappy. The best two sandwiches?
Kenny & Ed from Boston and Angelo & Tracey. And the winner…
Angelo & Tracey. The prize? Immunity!
A rivalry born!
There was much gnashing of teeth. Kenny wondered what he had to do at this point…

Elimination Challenge – School Lunch!
In the spirit of The First Lady’s initiative to end childhood obesity in a generation (good luck with that Mrs. O!) they were given $2.68/child and charged with working in teams of four and creating a healthy lunch (main course, veggie, fruit & dessert.) That’s $134 for all fifty kids! Then Dimples yanked $4 away- Lordy. Arnold said when he goes out he spends $130 on himself. Then he removed one of his giant white Tic Tac sized bonded teeth and chewed it.

Angelo & Tracey (as the winners) picked Kenny & Ed to work with. Kenny said that meant instead of a 25% chance of going home there was a 50% chance for him because they had immunity. Umm hmmm…
Angelo decided they’d do a burger and said kids love peanut butter and celery. Kenny asked what was healthy about that, someone said celery.
Ummm hmmm…

Amanda, Tamesha, Jacqueline and Stephen used their 30 minutes combating each other. Amanda wanted to make chicken in sherry. What?! These are elementary kids. I mean sure they’re in DC so maybe they already have guns but...
Amanda talked down to everyone. Amanda is 27. Why these chefs are actually listening- I have no idea. Tamesha said if you clash with her you’re done. Um, Amanda, a word here: da islands.
That’s where Tamesha is from. I’m not saying she’ll put roots on you during the shooting of the program but if your hair starts falling out when TC DC wraps…

Tiffany, Arnold and 51 were led by Indie Film Star, Kelly who wanted to do pork taco carnitas. Tiffany said they need to all be in agreement. (Yah right. Try talking louder in the huddle, homegirl.) As they all shopped at CostCo (Amanda clomping down aisles like a newborn colt) everyone ended up being over budget and having to compensate. Jacqueline had too much chocolate and was left with bananas and milk.

Back in the TC Kitchen, 51 did black bean and sweet potatoes, Arnold corn salsa, Indie Film Star, the pork, and Tiffany was making caramelized sweet potato with chocolate sorbet. She was not pleased with the size of Indie Film Star’s homemade tortillas.

Bad Perm and Alex did coleslaw and chicken, Kevin made the dessert- melon skewers with yogurt that looked like whip cream, Timothy made mac & cheese.

Tracey made a chicken burger, Kenny made an apple bread pudding, Ed from Boston made sweet potato puree. Angelo?
Angelo prepared a piece of celery with peanut butter mousse.
Yup. You read correct. (Immunity.) Tracey had enough time (immunity) to ask Indie Film Star what she was making like they were on a chat show. IFS announced the carnitas were “actually my idea” which prompted glares from Arnold and Tiffany.

Amanda made a sherry braised chicken thigh (really? No one stopped her?) Stephen made rice pilaf, Tamesha did a green bean salad and Jacqueline made a strawberry banana pudding. The bananas tasted too starchy so she added more sugar.
Oh boy. Tamesha suggested tomato sauce instead of the sherry and said if she gets called out because of Amanda she’s gonna kick her ass. (I’m down!)

Five minutes left!
Arnold began to get upset with Indie Film Star: “Everything Kelly said was I. I. I. I, I , I, I, I, I, I.
(I am not making that up.)
Arnold said they work for the greater good and there’s no I involved. I’m sorry, did this turn into a Top Chef Teams?

Tracey cried as she told Indie Film Star she and her gf’s daughter eat fast food once a week. She said she had to set a better example as Indie Film Star drank red wine and smoked a cigarette. Then Arnold called IFS to the table. “Everything that came out of your mouth today was I, I, I, I, I.”
Tiffany: “You used I, I, I.”
Wtf?
Like my brother’s wife used to say: “I’ll punch you dead in your eye!!”

At the school the next day during prep, Angelo discovered his foam gun valve was broken. Jesus, dusthead, all you’re making is glorified celery with peanut butter and you can’t even secure your own foam gun?
Angelo asked use Kevin’s whipped cream gun. No dice!

If you they weren’t already shitting bricks now was the time cause here comes Colicchio! When he got to Arnold, Arnold said it was taco day and tried to describe the ingredients in Indie Film Star’s dish. (Que?) IFS quickly said she was responsible for it (she’s got spunk, that girl!)
51 said they all really helped each other a lot and Arnold countered with how quickly he did his work to be there for the rest of his team.
Colicchio said he actually didn’t like it when teams would say we all did it because if someone’s completely on their own it’s a failure of their dish.
Preach !

Angelo added skim milk to his mousse and put it in a piping bag and said he was "…actually very confident and comfortable because I turned a rock into a wheel."
Addict arrogance!

Then the earth rumbled as children stampeded into the lunchroom.
The judges loved what Alex, Timothy, Bad Perm and Kevin made. They accomplished BBQ without sugar or skin and coleslaw with yogurt instead of mayo. They slid their trays up to Angelo, Kenny, Ed from Boston and Tracey. Tracey’s chicken burger was mixed with fiesta rice (?) and Ed’s sweet potato puree had too much pepper. Gail (hi Gail, you look pretty good, kudos to your stylist!) wondered why they needed the puree AND Kenny’s (serviceable) bread pudding. Dimples asked where the vegetables were.

51 introduced her black bean cake with crispy sweet potato on top. IFS showcased her pork carnitas that Dimples called solid. They thought Tiffany’s caramelized sweet potatoes and chocolate sorbet with no sugar tasted good and enjoyed the color of Arnold’s corn salsa.

Amanda was happy to tell the judges about her sherry jus chicken (honestly, why is she playing this up? What an idiot.) They thought Stephen’s sweet onion and rice with tomatoes was tasty but mushy. Tamesha’s bean and tomato salad was okay and Jacqueline’s pudding was too sugary. Jacqueline was thrilled that her dessert sold out super fast and the kids were excited. (That’s cause they’re hopped up on glucose, honey.)

Monticules gathered the kids round and asked who liked what and thanked them and a cute little girl asked for a hug and then another and then someone yelled ‘group hug!’ I can’t say for sure whether or not a ten-year-old boy copped a feel…

In the Stew Room Monticules asked to see two teams: Angelo, Tracey, Kenny and Ed from Boston AND Tamesha, Jacqueline, a teary-eyed Stephen and slack jawed Amanda.
Really?
Oh, you teams are the losers. Whoops.
Jacqueline told the judges she added two pounds of sugar to the pudding. (Jesus, why not tell them you bought the pudding from a store, Male Carla Cosby?) Dimples questioned how Amanda had the budget to buy sherry.
Ed from Boston dropped his head when Gail told him his puree was too spicy.
Dimples said loading up with a lot of starch and sugar was an easy way to go and the hard work was getting more vegetables into school lunch and he saw that with the lack of effort from both teams.
Kenny: “The lack of vegetables kept coming around so we roasted a tomato and added it to the burger.”
Dimples: “Tomato is a fruit.”
KAPOW!
Now Kenny was slack jawed and Ed rolled his Bostonian eyes.
Dimples: “So that piece of celery. That was our vegetable.”
Colicchio asked Dusthead if he woulda made that piece of celery if he didn’t have immunity.
Angelo: (sweaty and rocking on his heels) “I can’t answer that right now.”
Huh?!
Kenny said he was thinking vegetables but with two people that had immunity, they had to come to an agreement. Tracey looked around like he wasn’t talking about her.
Suddenly teary-eyed Stephen jumped in from the other losing team! He said he thought if someone Knew they had no vegetables and Said they had no vegetables maybe that’s worse than someone who tried to-
Kenny: So it’s acceptable to have two pounds of sugar in a pudding?
PUDDING BURN!
Then Amanda: Do you know how much sugar is in processed peanut butter? It’s ridiculous it’s maybe one of the worst things in the world for children to eat. It’s really, really bad for you.
Ed: (without looking at her): Does sherry wine even need to be in an elementary school?
SHERRY BURN! Yeah Ed!
Amanda: They weren’t drinking it for Christ’s Sake, I wasn’t serving it by the glass!
Gail: Why DID you use sherry?
Amanda (stammering) Cause…for me…I usually like sherry with chicken, I like it with mushrooms…
Gail: I like it too, there’s a lot of things I like. I love Vodka, I’m not cooking with it.
SKEWERED! GAIL BURNS BEST!

In the Stew Room, Jacqueline told the remaining chefs they were the champs. Angelo actually whistled like he was walking down the street to a crack den with full pockets as Kenny and Stephen discussed how they learned something about the “immunity clause.”

As the judges deliberated and Colicchio said he thought there was some gamesmanship being played by Angelo; Angelo whispered to Tracey: “You won’t repeat this? I don’t like Kenny.” As if Tracey was going to pounce on Kenny’s chest and rip his throat out. See! This is how Angelo starts the manipulation!

Monticules asked for Arnold, Tiffany, 51 and Indie Film Star and told them they were their favorite school lunch. Dimples announced the winner: Kelly! YAY Indie Film Star! You get the puppy and the sunset independent film ending!

Ed from Boston, Kenny, Amanda and Jacqueline were called back…
Colicchio told Kenny and Ed that they let the team down. That Amanda’s chicken wasn’t appealing and that Jacqueline’s pudding was loaded with sugar, grainy (new facts!) and not nutritious.
Jacqueline was asked to pack her knives and go.
(Damn I wanted Amanda out bad!)
But from the looks of how Angelo and Stephen verbally smack the ish outta her on the patio in the next ep, the next time could be Amanda’s last…

-d

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