Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"If it's overcooked, it's on you."

First order of business, lookit our old friend Art Smith from Top Chef Masters! He really lopped off the pounds. Good for you, Arty!

Second, I guess I sorta didn’t pay attention to this at first but, did anyone else realize that Dial is giving the 100k this year on Top Chef?
Dial? That’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it? At least when it was the ‘Glad family of products’ it had something to do with food. Wait, is it because this shower gel crap has “fruit oil” in it? Now I’m thinking of gel cream that looks like Play Doh with glitter in it as an amuse bouche. Yuck.

At the TC DC pad, Arnold ironed his jeans as he reflected on- wait, Arnold ironed his jeans?! Who the hell irons jeans? (Oh, besides you, Mama, besides you. Shout out to Mama and Niagara spray starch!) Now fold up that ironing board cause it’s time for the Quickfire Challenge!

Colicchio entered with Padma Mounds Monticules who was wearing some sort of black sequined Japanese breastplate on top of her silk tank top (that or she hugged a giant pan of burnt brownies) to announce that they both had recent additions to their families. And that the chefs would meet them because they had to baby-sit that night!
I keed.
I am keeder. Just wanted to make sure you were reading because, well, I dunno if you knew but…Douglas isn’t.
Douglas? Your fellow pool competitor? He said he’s only in it for the money and deletes these emails as soon as they arrive without reading them because he hates reality television and wants no part of this.
Except for the money.
For those of you who know the usually cowlicked crowned gent, perhaps you can mention how entertained you are by these emails, you know, even if you’re not. And not to him directly but to some passersby to make him remorseful. That or just unfurl his cowlick by socking him in the belly.

But back to the Quickfire!
The chefs had 45 minutes to make a dish for Tom and Monticules AND a dish that would satisfy their baby’s palettes. Now remember, these are Tom and Monticule’s kids we’re talking about here so even running out to get Donatella Versace breast milk wouldn’t satisfy them. (Besides, I think that milk would be powdered.) Nope, they had to make a dish for the parents and a puree version for their spoiled babies and it’s a high stakes challenge, the winners (they pick two) get 10k! But NO IMMUNITY!

51 has “never had a baby.”
See, she doesn’t know what babies like because she’s the furthest away from baby age. She’s 51, for God’s Sake. She can cook, streeeeetch aaaaand, cook. But she can’t cook nuttin’ in her babymaking oven. She made chicken and tropical fruits though she “never had baby food before.”
Sidebar: you don’t have to have a baby to eat baby food. When I was in middle school, I used to buy Gerber strained plums all the time. Delicious!

Arnie said if he won he would give the 10k to two orphanages in Thailand that specialize in children infected with HIV and AIDS.
That’s interesting Arnie because I recall a couple of eps back where you were given $130 to spend to create a healthy school lunch for 50 kids when you said: “When I go out I spend $130 on myself!”
Sorry Thai orphans, Arnie needed a rose scented paraffin wax pedicure, No Soup For You!

Alex said he would spend the money on a hooker and an 8 ball. (I’m really looking for him to rock those Groucho Marx glasses soon.) Kevin did a roasted duck and banana polenta, thinking him having a kid at home and a baby on the way meant he had this in the bag. Tamesha made vegetable chowder with licorice oil. Kelly made a spiced rub pork loin (you know, cause babies love pig balls) with fresh ginger and lemon juice.

Whoa Kenny Q Sign’s Baby Mama died in a car accident when his daughter was just over a year. Damn. So he used to make all of her baby food. Wow. He started in on a Panang curry chicken. Stephen saw Kenny making a brunoise (pronounced brun wah) of apples and claimed that it was something his daughter’s would immediately choke on. Oh, I see Stephen, you’ve passed your choking skills on to your twin daughters.

Dusthead Angelo’s son, Jacob Elias is- whoa Angelo has son!? A son he didn’t sell in an alley for bumps that would later turn out to be flour?
Wow. Lots of revelations on this ep, including Kevin’s pettiness as he accosted Timothy for getting pepper on his halfway prepared plates. The scolding he gave Timothy blew it. Kevin didn’t get everything on his plate. Suckah. When the judges went to taste, Monticules discovered a lemon seed in Indie Film Star Kelly’s pureed baby food. Salted! Dusthead’s baby food (they had to put it in jars) was layered like tiramisu.

Tom picked two crap dishes: Timothy’s overcooked lamb and Alex’s herbaceous dilled baby food. Monticules picked Kevin’s duck because it had a pool of blood under it and Indie Film’s Star Kelly’s bland meat. (Again with the blandness Kelly? Come on!)
Tom’s faves: 51 (51 Years Old!) and Tamesha’s. Monticules picked Dusthead’s for the elegant look of his baby food and Kenny Q Sign’s.
The winners? Tamesha (wow!) and Kenny Q Sign. (A rivalry born!)

For the Elimination Challenge some chick who had something to do with the Hilton appeared to relay the challenge which had to do with creating breakfast, lunch and dinner options for the “busy traveler.”
The winning dish would be on the Hilton menu. They were to compete tournament style in teams of two cutting the best teams until the two crappiest competed in the dinner challenge and TWO chefs would go home! Oh snap!

They had 30 minutes to shop and $200.
Tiffany: “Tim and I are together. Yay. Tim has been on the bottom lately.” Tiffany said she was very concerned but smiled and showed her dimples the whole time and quite frankly could have been doing a Colgate commercial.

Arnie said if he and 51 won it would be like 2.5 or 3 wins for him and people might think he was more than a Louis Vuitton bag. No he said that, seriously, I didn’t write it but I wish I did.

When they walked into the TC kitchen for the Elimination Challenge they see- OMG Mike (Top Chef 6), Brian (last season’s loser to his hot brother Michael) and Spike with the hat (from season 4), the Hilton chick and Colicchio, Monticules and Rippert. These chefs are in for it, and I don’t mean that in a good way.

The teams: Tiffany & Timothy, Ed from Boston (who wanted Tiffany) & Alex, Arnie & 51, Stephen & Amanda (who said if we were to win this challenge it would say to the competition that they’ve overlooked a few people. Listen, Pilly, I’m going on the record and saying you and Stephen are not winning, okay? I will eat…let’s see, what can I eat around here? Um, I will eat more of the pineapple I already ate if you win. (A win win.)), Kelly & Bad Perm, Kenny Q Sign & Kevin, Dusthead &Tamesha.

In the extra content bump (that’s what I call the thirty second sliver of show that comes mixed in with the commercials, Mama) Angelo said Tamesha was sexy (?!) and had “an inner lion.”
Yeah, also she has 10k that she won in the Quickfire. Angelo ain’t slick, he’s lookin’ for a loan.

During breakfast play action, Alex & Ed were slow with the Hollandaise sauce, it never made it to the plate AND one of their breakfast patties. The judges seemed to beat everyone’s dishes down except Tim & Tiffany’s.
Their favorite breakfasts? Tim & Tiffany’s crab cake benedict and Amanda & Stephen’s poached egg with pancetta?! Really?
Time for me to eat pineapple…everyone else had to move on to lunch.

Rivals Dusthead and Kenny Q Sign were both pissed that they had to make another meal. Indie Film Star was frustrated that they weren’t getting any feedback. Yah, no time for that, honey. You’re in an action film now. Act like it.
Kevin & Kenny Q Sign made a chick pea pasta. Dusthead & Tamesha made beef carpaccio with jicama salad. Arnie & 51 made a tuna cannelloni, a tuna salad that looked like sushi (huh? I don’t think that’s gonna be a simple dish for the busy traveler) and Ed & Alex made scallops and ricotta gnudi (like a pillowy gnocchi with cheese instead of potato), Bad Perm & Kelly made a crispy skin red snapper with salad white beans and sourdough. Colicchio was mad that they used canned beans…
Best Lunches: Alex & Ed and… Dusthead & Tamesha!

Kenny Q Sign & Kevin are on the chopping block?! (A rivalry born!)
Dood, if they get eliminated cut that’s the whole pool
Also up for elimination? Bad Perm & Kelly and Arnie & 51. Wow.
Bad Perm was miffed- she was “one of Food & Wine” magazine’s best chefs.” Um, just checked your bio, Bad Perm, that was in 2000. You don’t see me touting around Sylvia Plath Poetry Award I got in high school. Shut your pie hole and cook your face off, frizzy!

3 teams – 60 minutes to cook dinner – one team is going home!
Arnie: “I was surprised that 51 was getting pissed off.”
(Don’t get me started on I, I, I, Arnie.)
Then another shocker! Team K (Kevin & Kenny) and Bad Perm & Kelly were BOTH making short ribs.
Uh oh.
Bad Perm said the jus (sauce or liquid) was “the business” in a short rib dish and Team K didn’t have enough business. Hmm.
Arnie & 51 were going for some sort of pasta and focaccia but Team K turned 51’s oven down by mistake…!
Arnie dropped the pasta 12 minutes “ahead of time” according to 51.
Arnie (to 51, as he morphed into the gf that forgot the concert tickets as they sped back home to get them): “Are you mad at me?”
51 said: “If it’s overcooked it’s on you.”

The Presentation!
Team K’s braised beef short rib with horseradish, spaghetti squash, carrots and tempura horseradish went over well but as one lady (hey, there’s Another lady on the judging panel? Who the hell-- Oh, for Corn’s Sake too many judges and too many courses…) said there wasn’t enough sauce…

Indie Film Star Kelly (who was now in a horror film being in the bottom three) & Bad Perm presented their braised short rib with polenta, mushrooms, pearl onions and crispy shallots.
Pause Moment: Colicchio sort of sighing like he was tired of eating.
The Film Star said if she goes home for this the judges have No Idea. (She’s got spunk that girl!) Mike from Season 6 was quick to make comments as if he and his horrible tattoos were ever going to be invited back to judge again. No need to try to prove yourself, dood.

Arnie & 51 brought out a pineapple red curry mussels with squid ink pasta, coconut milk and foccacia. Arnie: “They can think one of two ways, what is this kid doing giving me spaghetti or two, this kid was thinking totally out of the box…” The judges thought the pasta wasn’t cooked.

At the Judge’s Table, the best dish of the day was:
Indie Film Star Kelly and Bad Perm!!!
(OMG are Kenny Q Sign and Kevin going home?!)
In a addition, Indie Film Star and Bad Perm got a real prize 6-night trips, one to Italy and one to Spain. Dayum!

After they left, Arnie put on his “everything is great” hat and rebuffed all that was offered. 51 thought the pasta was undercooked, Arnie said it was “cooked beautifully” with a giant smile and that he was surprised this was coming to surface. Huh?
Um, you have one of the LOSING DISHES Arnie. Be contrite, admit your mistake and say stuff like: “I have so much more to offer as a chef, Chef.”
WTH? Has he Watched any seasons of this show?
51’s eyes began to water.

Team K said they were glazing their short ribs even though Rippert and Colicchio didn’t think so. Rippert couldn’t find the horseradish flavor.
Colicchio: “Why should that dish keep you in the competition?” At this point Kevin said something so rote and generic that if I had heard him speak for more than two minutes I would never have picked him to win. He would have been better off weeping and saying he had a baby on the way and really bad hemorrhoids.

Arnie: “I…” (I, I, I, I much?) “brought something to the table that was completely different than everyone else’s, if I were on a panel of four judging…”(which you will never be, honey) “I would like to see some kind of creativity and this quirky avant-garde approach is a direct reflection of who I am as a person.”
Colicchio smirked to High Heaven.

The Judges thought Arnie & 51 took a risk and that was cool but admitted squid ink was a hard sell on a hotel menu. The fact that there was not enough glaze on Team K’s short ribs was dissected thoroughly.

In the Stew Room, Kevin talked about instructing the guests on how to eat.
Pilly told him ‘you’re no one to tell people how to eat food.’
Kevin (like the girl who’s about to take off her earrings and bust some a**) Whooooo are yoooou?!
(I like how it’s getting a little catty between chefs. Cat Stew!)

Back at the Judging Table…
51 and Arnie were asked to pack their knives and go.

Arnie: I think I put a little bright flavor into the competition.
That’s not what makes you win, honey. Also, you taste kinda bitter.
Oh THEN Arnie said 51 never told him she wasn’t pleased and he was under the impression everything was fine.
Um, so what did you apologize for, Arnie? Remember when you apologized? What a giant liar. I weep for those orphanages that he claims he’s helping. But not for him and neither should any of you.
We’re all still in it to win it…

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